Living together after getting engaged?

posted 3 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

@Kacey23:  H and I moved in together after we got engaged, about six months before we got married. I did get some negative feedback from my church, under the assumption that we were “living in sin,” but we actually still waited until we were married to have sex. It made our transition from engaged to married easier, because we were already used to living together. 

Post # 4
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Kacey23:  FI and I are not religious. Originally, I did not plan on living with him until after we were married. I was just starting grad school when he proposed and was living alone for the first time in my life. After my lease was up almost a year later, we did decide to move in together for a few different reasons- We would often stay with each other on weekends or take care of each other’s pets during the week (we had keys to each other’s apartments). Second, it was actually very important to my parents that we lived together first. The dynamic changes a lot when you first move in with someone, so I think before they began to put money down in wedding deposits, they wanted some evidence that we could actually live together in a harmonious fashion. My family is fairly liberal with this type of thing, but FI’s family is from a very rural, very religious area (he’s just the odd one out for not being religious). No one has confronted us about our decision to “live in sin.” I think this is largely because by the time we did actually sign a lease and move in together, we had been engaged for about 8 months. 

Ultimately, I’m very glad that we chose to live together before marriage, but I would never have done it unless we were engaged because I wouldn’t want to sign onto a lease with a guy if there wasn’t an assumption of permanence in our relationship. A few of my mom’s friends have actually said to her, “I can’t believe you’d let DuckE live with someone before she’s married to him!” but that’s more of the exception than the rule. I think cohabitation goes over a lot better when engaged, although I don’t judge couples who aren’t engaged for living together. 

Post # 6
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Kacey23:  Me and my guy are currently “living in sin” lol
We are both Christians and both come from Christian homes and this was a BIG debate but we both know where our relationship is heading and after a lot of dissussion, it just made more sense from a financial stand point.

The hardest part of it was telling my mom. She told me she disagreed with the decision but was happy that I was happy so that was it. She love my soon-to-be FI so I dont think she was too upset.

 

Post # 8
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Well first off… how would your church find out? I guess people talk? Seems a bit weird others would concern themselves w. your business.

I wouldn’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Maybe just wait til the wedding. Personally I’d never marry someone I hadn’t lived with first, though. I was once burned by it (sort of… but I am glad we ended up breaking up and not marrying), and this time I went on to marry my husband… we lived together practically from the beginning of our relationship.

Post # 9
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Christmas Tree Farm

@Kacey23:  I don’t consider living in the same house, “living in sin.” If that is the only thing that is going to change from your current relationship, moving in together isn’t sinful.

At the end of the day, there are people who are going to judge you no matter what decisions you make. How you and your SO feel about your decisions is what really matters. 

Post # 10
Member
284 posts
Helper bee

My family is Christian, although I myself am not particularly religious, and my FI’s is not. We’ve chosen at this point to wait until we’re married to move in together, but that’s more for me because I’m in school and I think I would really struggle with the change while I’m also studying for exams and trying to do all that I need to do in school. It’ll be easier to have the summer to adjust and figure things out, so that’s what works best for me 🙂

Post # 11
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think the whole point of not living together before marriage is because Christians believe people shouldn’t have sex before marriage. If you’re already sleeping together, then you’re not really changing anything. If your parents and church would have a problem with you living together, I bet it’s because they have a problem with you sleeping together before marriage.

Post # 12
Member
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

We decided not to live together before getting married but a lot of things went into that decision. First off was that initally FI worked and lived 45 min to 1 hr away from me. To increase his commute/gas money at that time seemed like just one more reason for us not too. The other big reason was my family’s reaction, I felt like it was more of a respect thing and not a “I let my family dictate my life” thing. They’ve done so much for me and I knew it would break their hearts. FI and I were engaged after a year and will be married a year after that…it wasn’t too much for us to respect my parents and live apart during this time.

Eventually FI did get a new job in the same city as me, but it is with a Christian organization. We both felt it might not go over well at his work if we were living together. At this point we were under a year away from the wedding and figured we could keep waiting a few more months.

For awhile we also considered the fact our church would not marry us if we were living together. But in the end we decided not to get married in the church because the setting was just not “us” and instead opted for an outdoor garden wedding.

He does spend 3-4 nights/week at my apartment. However for him starting out in a new job it was great for him to live a block away (I live 30 min drive away and he would have and will be moving in with me). When he first started out he was able to put in long hours and not have to worry about road conditions during the winter. It really helped him a lot. Now once we’re married he will have been working there awhile, he feels settled in and is pretty much on a normal schedule now.

We had so many things to considered we just did what was right for us!

Plently of people judge us for NOT living together. I’ve had my fair share of people tell me it’s “Stupid” because I could be saving money, or my marriage might fail because I might later find out FI is “messy”. Eh. I feel like they’re defending their choice when I never judged them for it! Everyone should do what is right for them.

Post # 14
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Kacey23:  YES. Do it. I never thought that I would ever live with someone before marriage, but my FI and I bit the bullet and moved in together about a month after we got engaged. It was the best decision we could have made! We have learned to live with each other through the last year, and I think we’ve hashed out a lot of issues regarding living together. It was the smartest thing we did.

Post # 15
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Kacey23:  I can’t comment on this from the religious prospective, but living together before marriage was hugely beneficial to me. And i would say living together and spending the night from time to time are vastly different.

My ex and I lived together for a couple of years and after living with him I realized I could never in a million years marry him. I would not have experienced and learned all of his weird, gross, annoying habits had we not lived together first.

DH and I were actually roommates in a platonic friendship for years before we started dating. Once we started dating we moved in together quickly since we had lived together previously. But DH and I knew that we worked well together, resolved household issues easily and knew what to expect.

I think people that say the first year of marriage is the hardest are usually those that did not live together first. It is a huge adjustment for both people and takes a lot of time to get used to for some, depending on how different your views on the house and daily routine are. I fully support living together before marriage bc I think it helps you really get to know the person and know what you’re getting into. It also deepens the bond when you’re there to kiss goodnight and share stinky morning breath every day!

Post # 15
Member
11002 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

howtobeawife:  Well, there is also a Scriptural command for Christians to avoid even the appearance of evil,  so, even if a Christian couple is refraining from sex prior to marriage, they still should not be living alone in a home together until after they are married.

Although some Christians think that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, Scripture tells us otherwise.

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