Post # 1
Hi! I’m new here and this is my first post.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years tomorrow and have been living together for 2. I’m 25 and he’s 27. Last year, we made the decision to move out to California (from Iowa) so that he could pursue music and I would…well, just be happier. 🙂
Things were going fine until three months ago. His temp job that was paying $10/hour was treating him unfairly, and he was told by the temp agency that if he left his assignment, they would find him another one within a week. He did, and the temp agency didn’t come through. Suddenly, he was out of a job and needed financial help.
He turned to his family and asked if they could help him out for a few months until he found another job. His mother is NOT okay with helping him out, stating that we moved out to California as a couple and should figure things out as a couple. I currently do not make enough to cover all of our bills. She has been calling him frequently, lecturing and arguing with him on how he spends his money, and keeps threatening to ‘cut him off’. She would like for him to move back home (without me). His father is pretty mute on the whole subject.
We’ve discussed marriage and he wants to propose (was going to before he lost his income). Both of our parents didn’t agree with us living together (and moving across the country together) without being married–and his mother is now raising serious hell every chance she can get to remind him of that. She’s told him “I told you so” and questioned my character numerous times. I guess my question is how would you bees handle this? I’m finding myself questioning everything we did–maybe we should have gotten married before living together? Is she right?
Post # 3
no, marriage would not have solved this problem .. it would have only shut his mother up about you. I also dislike the fact that she’s blaming you for his quitting his job when you moved out to California with him so he could pursue something he wanted, and you were happy to. I don’t know, this is a bit of a sticky situation – the temp agency can’t exactly guarantee jobs in this economy.
she is not right, and frankly, he’s a grown man and can make his own decisions. the only reason why she’s speaking up now is because she now has a hold over him with his asking her for financial help, and she now has leverage.
I don’t exactly know what to tell you in terms of how to handle this situation, but it would definitely help if he stood up for you to his mom.
Post # 4
Well at this point I wouldn’t consider marriage until you are both back on your feet and more financially stable, and more importantly financially independent from his parents. Living together before you get married is something that is up to the two of you to decide. You are both adults. I think there are great benefits to living together before getting married. You are both out there now so be there for him and be supportive of him finding a new job. Hopefully something will come up soon!
Post # 5
I definitely agree that you should not get married until you are more financially stable.
Are there other temp agencies in the area? I know that Boston has quite a few, and its frankly a lot easier for them to place temps than it is to find permanent work for people, so if he is willing to temp then he should be able to find something.
His mother is wrong to blame you – moving to California was his idea, after all. Think about it this way – you two are going to learn how to buckle down and budget and work on finances together, and will end up a stronger couple because of it.
Post # 6
Don’t rush to get married to please the parents. You can’t please everyone and this is a big personal decision you should make without others (parents) weighing in. Shelve that for now though because you have more pressing issues:
First, tough love: He’s an adult. At 27, he’s solidly in that category and shouldn’t be needing parental bailout for something like this. (Financial issues steming from a major health issue, sure, but not quiting a job and moving cross-country.) I can see how his parents are disappointed he left a reasonable job without being fully prepared (e.g. have cash reserves to tide him over for a year) and no plans to ameliorate the situation. But, that’s water over the bridge now, you can’t go back and save up before your move. You are a couple, I can see that it’s reasonable for the two of you together to work it out. That said…you’re not the one without the job so I don’t see that the mother blaming you solves any issues. See below.
I suggest you sit down and budget how to cut your expenses and figure out how he can get at least a part-time job to pay the bills, SAVE for an emergency fund, and not take a handout from the parents. Lots of advice on the web how to do this.
He needs to stick up for you with his mom and tell her that he made the (poor) decision to move without a safety financial safety net, he lost the job, and this has nothing to with your character. He needs to be clear this is inappropriate. He also needs to be prepared for her to cut him off after this conversation. (But, see above how to resolve that issue.)
Post # 7
I think the reason your fmil has so much say in your relationship is because (and I might be wrong) your boyfriend involves her in his life too much. He needs to tell her why you guys moved and tell her to lay off the blame game because sh*t happens and the fact that he lost his job is not your fault (he could have lost is job back home too).
I understand where she is coming from as a mom but I think your boyfriend needs to have a talk with her… and in mean time not ask her for any financial help (hoping he finds a job, any job soon).
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
If you were married wouldhe have liked his job better? Probably not.
Married or not married is not a factor in the reality of your situation– it sounds to me like she’s using this as an excuse to voice feelings she had long before this situation arose.
As for how to handle it– well, that’s really up to you both. If his parents aren’t willing to help, you have to figure it out, it would be the same if you were married. He lost his job, and you have to deal with it together.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t be considering marriage until you guys figure everything out. And if it’s causing problems to be accepting help from his mother, stop accepting the money. Cancel your cable & internet, spend less on groceries, and no spending money for items you don’t need. He’ll find another job and you guys will get back on your feet. His mother’s comments are definitely rude & uncalled for… but she probably just really wants him to come home and sees this as an opportunity to make that happen. Just being married doesn’t fix problems. He probably would have made the same decison to move & leave his job if you were married, so I don’t understand how that as anything to do with your current problem. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would want to figure it out as a couple, rather than involving family members.
Post # 10
i dont think getting married before living together would have helped. personally, i would NEVER want my parents that involved in my finances because it 1.) gives them control and 2.) probably makes his mother think of you guys less as adults in a mature relationship
Is there ANY job he can get? working at a restaurant, another temp agency, etc? Can you pick up a second job or work more hours? sell things on craigslist? get rid of cable for a bit?
his mother is definitely making some rude comments, but in a way i agree with the general idea of what she is saying–if you are 27 and living on your own, you need to have savings or something to fall back on—but dont stress–youll get through it! & think of the satisfaction when your BF can tell her that he doesnt need her help!
IMO, better to suffer than have other people holding something over your head!
Post # 11
You and your boyfriend have absolutely got to stop accepting money from your parents. At 25 and 27, you’re full-grown adults, and after 7 years in a relationship, you’re your own little family. You both need to stop talking to the parents— not in a mean way, just the emotion and stress is distracting you– and figure out how to support yourselves. I know that sound very mean, and I’m sorry if it didn’t come out nicer, but there’s not a more gentle way to say it.
Tone out the noise from the parents and the rest of the family. Then sit down with your boyfriend and a calculator, slash expenses anywhere you can, and figure out how to get more money coming in. Once you are over the immediate crunch, start a savings account, even if it’s only $25 a month, because you need to have a safety net. And you and your Mr need to stick together on this– it will be very hard, and a lot of relationships end over fights over money, so make sure you are communicating constantly with each other.
As for marriage, well that would not have changed your current finances enough to make a difference, so it’s not worth trying to figure out if you should have gotten married before moving. If you want to get married now, because you love each other and want to be married, then go for it— probably costs less than $50 for the license and a small fee for a courthouse ceremony. If you want to do it to shut your boyfriend’s mother up, then that’s the wrong reason to get married. If you want to be engaged because you want to make a commitment but dream of a big wedding some day when you’re more financially stable, go for it. If you’re marrying for the right reasons, and timing any celebration to happen when you can afford it, there really is no reason your financial situation has any bearing on it (unless one or both of you are getting some kind of aid that might change when your marital status changes).
Post # 12
My advice my sound harsh, but it’s honest.
You two are adults, if your parents are unwilling to give you financial help it’s up to you two to sort things out. Situations like what you’re in are what emergency funds or LOCs are for. Here, there are also social programs, such as EI, food banks and social programs. If you can’t afford your rent, move somewhere cheaper.
Getting married just because parents think you should is never a good idea. DH and I lived together beforehand, and my mom really wasn’t happy about it. She was over it by the time we got engaged though.
Post # 13
Married or not, at 27 one should no longer require financial assistance from one’s parents. You are both adults, you made the adult decision to move to California together. Learning to budget, save, and make responsible choices without expecting your parents to bail you out is all part of growing up that should have already happened at this point. Sorry.
Post # 14
I guess my question is how would you bees handle this? I’m finding myself questioning everything we did–maybe we should have gotten married before living together? Is she right?
I would not have asked my parents for anything. You’re an adult now and time to figure things out because mom and dad won’t be there forever (that’s my touch love approach!).
If he has to, he needs to go to McDonald’s or something just to get a job.
Have you cut all your miscellaneous expenses? Cable, internet, AAA, up your car insurance deductible so you your payments decrease (like if it’s $500 go for $1000), get a cheapcheap cell phone for $10/mo under PagePlusCellular.com (I use them).
If you have to you can use the food pantry in your area, I’m sure you qualify during this hardship.
Do not let your FMIL get to you with her “I told you sos!” Prove her wrong!
Post # 15
Thanks ladies 🙂 And tough love is always welcomed!
I should clarify–we both made the decision to move out to CA, and have been living here for almost a year before he left his job. We were just getting back on our feet when that happened. The temp agency told him they had other assignments for him, which is why he went ahead and left his current job.
@strawbs- I agree, she’s using this for leverage. His family HATES me (cultural differences, I’m Black, he’s White/Lebanese, they assume I’m in this relationship for his family’s money) and they are using this against him right now.
@sienna76- I didn’t want him to ask his parents, but he thought his relationship with them was good enough that they wouldn’t mind helping him out this one time (he’s never asked for help before and never will).
We understand that we’re adults and are ultimately responsible for our finances. And we certainly are expecting anyone to give us money. Thanks for the advice, it certainly helps to have neutral opinions on this!
Post # 16
don’t mind me .. I’m just going to rage about racism now.