- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I'm new to the site - this is my fist post.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 6 years - we met when we were 18 during the 1st week of college. Since very early on, we have talked about how we want to spend our lives together, get married and have kids.
We have been living together for 2.5 years. He works in finance and pays for most things and I have a less stressful profession and take care of things in the household. We recently got a dog, and I'm the 'mommy' who takes care of the dog the most.
I really thought my boyfriend was going to propose last spring. He had just gotten his first very large bonus from his wall street firm. I was really dissapointed when he didn't and this past summer we talked and I told him that I would want to get engaged by the summer 2011 so that we could be married by the time I finish graduate school. Things are going great now - he's going to propose sometime between mid-Febrary and June.
But my question for you all is... what to you think about living together before engagement? I think it makes sense for at least a year so get to know more of each others habits, etc. But I'm wondering, if you live together for longer, as long as I have, then you end up acting like your married already! The only thing that will change when we are married is our bank accounts will be together and my name will be changed. Where is the incentive to propose?!
I have friend who got engaged this summer after being with her boyfriend for 3 years. She is part of a conservative Jewish community where there must be a diamond on the finger before moving in. It seems like a lot of pressure, but at the same time gives a little incentive for the man.
Thoughts?
I personally like the idea of having the commitment od being engaged or married before moving in together, but that's just me and my perspective. My best friend moved in with her boyfriend, got engaged a few months afterward, and loves it. I think it just depends on what's right for the couple.
My fiance and I lived together before we got engaged. Honestly I think it's a good idea b/c that way you find out EVERYTHING about each other. He proposed after living together about 4 months (we had been together 1 year 2 months total)
Previously, I had lived with another boyfriend.. it was a long distance relationship at first so it worked.. then he moved in. I really found out that he was NOT the one for me, or even close. I'm really glad I had the experience, b/c it makes what my fiance and I have now SOOO much better.
I believe even if you already live together, there is still an incentive to propose if the guy truly cares about you and sees himself with you for life: after a certain point, you will no longer be happy and satisfied with the status quo. You'll become resentful and it will impact the quality of the relationship. Things will start to deteriorate. Avoiding this would be his incentive.
While you've been with him a long time, you're relatively young and still getting settled into "adult" life. It's not as dire as being two 36 year olds who have been together 6 years. I feel like it's the age / life stage, more so than living together, that's drawing things out in your situation.
It sounds like you have a timeline that's not too far away, and he's on board. I'd just wait it out and then re-evaluate after that if it doesn't happen.
I don't think moving in together necessarily changes the outcome of a relationship.. I think if you're going to break up or get married, it'll happen regardless of if you live together or not. I know others don't agree. I really don't buy the whole 'why buy the cow..." thing. If your bf is a mature guy who wants a committed relationship, that shouldn't change just because you live together. If he is the kind who will never commit to marriage, that also won't change because you live together.
FTR, we moved in together after 8 months of dating, got engaged after living together for a year, and are in our mid-30s.
I lived with my husband before we were engaged. To me I think it is important to live with a person before making such a big commitment. A lot comes out that you didn't know whenever you live with someone.
I should also add I am not the most traditional type person that there is. But I don't regret living with him before we were engaged. I got to know all of his little secret quirks and fell in love with him even more.
We were dating a year before we moved in together and then living together for about 1.5 years before he proposed. I can remember a few times where I thought he was going to propose and didn't. He had a plan and wanted to wait until I was out of school with a job so that I wouldn't stress out. Which was nice :) He waited until we were on our Hawaii vacation. We have now been together for a little over 4 years and happily married for almost 5 months :)
i am currently living with my boyfriend. We were in love and were both looking to buy a house, so it made the most sense to purchase a home together. I don't regret it at all. It truly has been the best year yet. However, as I mentioned on another board, my bf has had the engagment ring for at least 7 months and I still haven't seen it... I wonder if living together make it a little easier for him to take his sweet time :)
I think it can go both ways, every person is different. My extremely traditional Italian husband actually moved out of mommy's house and in with me before being engaged - he wanted to make sure we wouldn't kill each other living together. As upset as I was to have to wait seven years before an engagement, I totally saw where he was coming from after he explained it. By the time he did propose I was fine with the idea of not ever getting married because our relationship was in a good place, and we were happy living together.
If you're with the right person it doesn't matter. I lived with ex's and, while it worked out for economical reasons, the relationships lasted a tad longer than they should have.
I also lived with FI before we got engaged, but his family is somewhat conservative so it was done with the understanding that we would be getting married. We got engaged after about a year of cohabitation. But I am also 27, so age plays into it.
I think it depends on the boyfriend... do they tend to have these habits already (of why do "x" when they don't need to). I moved in with my boyfriend after 1 yr. of dating (it was getting serious, and there were definite financial benefits to us moving in together). I felt confident in doing so, since I knew we were moving toward something more serious, and if we continued in that direction, we would eventually be getting married. He told me up front he wasn't ready for marriage again (his first wife cheated and he said he wouldn't remarry unless we'd been dating at least 3 years) but I knew he was faithful and reasonable and wouldn't string me along. He's a VERY honest and rational person, so I felt comfortable that I wouldn't be waiting forever.
Then we bought a house together, and I wondered if that circumstance might happen, but he proposed 2 months later. It was the longest 2 mo. I'd ever waited for something... I was nervous for a bit.
ITA!--->I think if you're going to break up or get married, it'll happen regardless of if you live together or not.
My FI and I lived together 3 years before getting engaged and we were together 6 1/2 years by the time he proposed.
We met in college as well. I was 19 and he was 20. When I moved to NYC out of college we spent one year living apart and then moved in together.
I like living together before marriage is important. There were many issues we had to work through when we moved in together, especially when sharing a TINY Manhattan apartment!
Nothing is really going to change for us once we get married. We'll open a joint bank account and I'll have a new last name, but other than that our daily operations will stay the same.
It may have taken him a bit longer to propose but living together first was one of his requirements and I'm happy that we've already done it.
The incentive to get married is still there because 1 - he knew it was really important to me and 2 - there were some things I would not do without being engaged/married (i.e. buy a house together, buy a car together, move abroad or anywhere for his job, etc).
"The only thing that will change when we are married is our bank accounts will be together and my name will be changed. Where is the incentive to propose?!"
How about love? You seem to be very focused on the money.
My FI and I have been living together pretty much right after starting to date and have been for the past almost 4 years. We have a a joint bank account and had it for over a year and I will not be changing my name, so it seems like according to you there is no point for me to get married.
I think it is very important to live together before getting married. I was married before to someone I did not live with before marriage (due to religious beliefs and my strict family) and we found out after marriage that we really didn't "mesh" well and actually ended up getting divorced 3 yrs later largely due to that. I have been living with my FI for almost 4 years now, we've been together for 6 years, engaged for half a year. We have figured out our roles, how we live together, how to give each other space. It's great!
I moved in with my boyfriend and he had no plans of getting married any time soon. fast forward 4 months and we are engaged!
Of course there is a point to getting married! I just meant that for a guy like mine in his mid to late 20s, he is very comfortable with the way things are. He might rather wait a little longer to get married, but because it will make me happy he's willing to do it a little earlier and compromise.
In my opinion, if my guy isn't ready after almost 7 years, then he'll never be.
I was with my FI for almost three and a half years when we got engaged and we had already lived together for almost two years. It was a great decision for us. I agree that moving in doesn't change the outcome of a relationship. We heard from multiple people how this would be the ultimate test in our relationship and to be prepared for it to end soon. Next week we'll have been together five years. I also will add that we were very young (19) when we moved in together which won't work for everyone but we knew we were ready.
I just got engaged in July, after living with mr. Jones for 3 years before that and since we were high school sweethearts we've been together for a total of 14 years. In all honesty, I feel every relationship is unique and only the two people invlovled know how they want to progress in their relationship. IMO – I don't like negative incentives (I think that they never work and only cause bitterness). I believe the incentive is moving forward in your relationship and making a commitment to one another. When Mr. Jones proposed, I can truthfully say that I felt even more close to him and the bond that we share felt a bit stronger. Now, that may not be that case for everyone. Of course, I’m from the school of thought that the two people involved in the relationship are the only ones that really know what they feel for each other and what “incentives” they both may or may not need.
Just my two cents 
I think it's just personal preference and there's no right vs. wrong way to proceed with moving in together or to not move in together. What works for one couple may not work for another.
I practically moved in the first night we spent together. That was nearly 4 years ago. He proposed at 3.5 years.
I too think you should live with someone before marrying. Gives you some insight how you'll do when it actaully does happen.
I think that moving in together before engagement is fine as long as you and SO discuss what your "end goal" is before moving in (marriage? cohabitation without marriage?)...both parties need to know what they are working toward and what the other person eventually wants. Without having that discussion and being in 100% agreement with what your end goal is, moving in is too risky.
There are times when I buy into the cow/milk thing, but then I remember that a truly wonderful man (as long as he believes in marriage) will love me enough to marry me and do things properly, regardless of what I've already been giving him.
I hate those statisics about cohabitation and marriage, and I don't buy into them. They always say "Cohabitation is less likely to lead to marriage". Well isnt the end goal to have a LONG LASTING SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE? If cohabitation leads me to believe that I shouldn't be marrying the person I'm living with, well, I'm happy that I had that red flag and got the opportunity to back out before marriage. I wish there was a statistic about cohabitation and divorce rates, because I'm sure those would at least prove that cohabitation produces as much, if not more, successful marriages as waiting for an engagement to move in.
I also agree with the PP's their is still and incentive to propose even though you live together. My SO and I have been together for almost 3 1/2 years and have lived together for over two years. My SO is waiting until I'm done with school and get a job with will be within the next year and half. If that were already out of the way I think he would of proposed by now. My SO is six years older than me and wanted kids five years ago. He knows I won't have kids unless I'm married so their's that incentive for him.
I've actually seen a few studies on this that say that people who live together (before getting engaged) take longer to get engaged than people who live separately. I'm not really sure how they come to this conclusion, since every couple is different, but I do think there's truth to it. I think it's because of the "low incentive" to change things. I personally do live with my SO without being engaged because I love being with him any time I can and it makes sense financially. I do think it has contributed to him not proposing yet though.
We both want marriage and kids and I'm confident he will be proposing sometime within the year, but I think we'd already be engaged if not for the fact that we live together...why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, right? I wouldn't change a thing though. Because of living together I am able to go into my marriage knowing things that I wouldn't if we hadn't. I know he snores (and how to make him stop), how much higher the grocery bill is, (TMI coming up) that he will always come to use the restroom when I'm doing my makeup or taking a bath (thank GOD we have 2 bathrooms now), and that every year around Christmas time I will have to watch ELF 6 times...the silly, disgusting, funny, happy, sad things that make him the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
@mg1363: I really think it depends on your relationship. We never would have gotten engaged without living together because my FI would never feel comfortable proposing (and I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting) until we knew we could live together.
Most of his delay in proposing was him working out his issues with marriage as his parent's went through a bad divorce. I think our living together for 3 years really helped him to solidify that we would work and marriage will work for us. Living like we were already "married" helped him be comfortable with marriage.
I totally agree. I'm not sure what I said seemed disagreeable with your comment (sorry not being defensive, just confused). In my personal relationship I'm fairly certain we'd already be engaged if we didn't live together. I think he would have more incentive to propose. We've been living together for over 4 years and I think that because of that we'll be entering marriage with a better understanding of each other than someone who might not have lived together.
I am in no way saying that couples who do not live together are in the wrong at all though. I just think that for them part of the fun and excitement in getting engaged/married lies in finding out all this new stuff about one another...for me I like that I already know what everyday life is like with him.
We lived together before we got engaged. Technically we still have two places, she has a roommate and a lease and has been paying on her place even though she's lived here since August. I think it was good to live together before, learn each others patterns, etc.
There is no way I would have married my DH if we had not experienced living together first. Just like there's no way I'd buy a car without test driving it first. There are things that you just can't know about each other until you've lived together. DH feels the same way. So for us, living together before engagement was an absolute must.
@phoenix718: I agree with everything you said, especially your point about those hokey cohabitation stats.
@mg1363: Nothing disagreeable at all! Just expounding on your thoughts about each couple being different and just suggesting that "I think it's because of the "low incentive" to change things." isn't always true.
That's all. :-D
Also, everyone's situation is different. For some living together before engagement is a good thing, for other's it not. For us (and sounds like for you as well) living together first was definately the right thing to do.
oh okay! I was worried I had said something offensive but couldn't figure out what lol. Thanks!
For us living together before getting engaged was great. My parents were very nervous that we would not last through living together, but making our relationship work while we lived together helped solidify us and ensure us that it was the right thing. So, we are now engaged, and I don't think the living togethr detered FI at all.
On a side note: we have been talking about buying a place together, and I did tell him I would not feel comfortable buying a place together until we were engaged.
Living together before marriage was an absolute must for us. I personally could never imagine marrying someone that I didn't live with first (though I do know some couples who didn't live together before marriage and it worked out for them). Dating and living together are two very different things. Your SO could have some strange habits that you just can't deal with but after your married, your pretty much stuck.
FI and I have lived together for almost 5 years. We have joint finances already so the only thing thats going to change for us after we're married is our filing status. We didn't get engaged until after 5 years of dating. I was definitely "waiting" for a few years but eventually everything worked out. Even though we lived together and had joint finances, there was still an incentive for him to propose because he wanted to marry me.
@courthouse: I do agree with not buying property until you are at least engaged...1) for legal reasons- the split of assets involving a house and mortgage (and possible ensuing foreclosure and bankruptcy) is seriously just like a divorce, without it being a divorce. and 2) that's where I draw the line in the sand when it comes to commitment, security and the cow/milk analogy. Once you buy that property, in my opinion, it signifies that you are settled. It's very symbolic of the beginning of the new life together and permanency. For my own mental-well being (as well as the legal reasons), I'd want to be engaged/married first before we settle into that kind of commitment
I am living with my SO before being engaged but we also decided to do things completely out of order. His incentive to propose... well we have a son together so it just makes sense to be a complete and legal family.
We moved in before getting engaged, but had talked about our marriage timeline prior to agreeing to move in. We both knew that the engagement was coming within a year (it ended up being 8 months after moving in), and the wedding happened a year after that. I generally think that moving in should happen like it did with us - with all parties involved knowing the whens and whys of a possible proposal/marriage timeline (or if one or neither of you want marriage, that's also important to hash out/know!!)
We were all about living together first to make sure we were compatible...until we moved in together. I wasnt comfortable combining finances or doing joint holidays until we were married and I quickly realized that I wanted those things, and wanted to be married. We got privately engaged a month after moving in together and got officially engaged after 2 months. I always thought it was important to live together first but when it became reality, we were ready to get engaged and make the full commitment. I absolutely love living together during our engagement though.
Wow, reading your post was like reading the story of my life...
My fiance and I also met our first week of college eight years ago (lol we both skipped out on a freshman orientation event and bumped into each other in the dorm lobby). We've been living together pretty much since our junior year.
We knew by the time we started living together five years ago that we'd get married eventually, but we were young so I didn't think about it much... until a couple years ago. One day, it just hit me that we'd been together for this long (six years at the time), and he hasn't even proposed yet. I realized we talked about our "kids" more than we talked about actually getting married.
I started dropping hints for half a year after that and then started straight up asking what his intentions were. He said he didn't feel like he had all his ducks in a row, and thus wasn't ready to get married. He started avoiding any marriage talk and my resentment started mounting because I felt like it was my fault for living together so early on. I started to think he wasn't proposing because I was giving the milk for free, so he didn't have to buy the cow.
It got so bad that it was starting to affect my sleep, so earlier this summer, I finally told him how I was feeling. I broke down and told him that I felt like he was holding out for someone better to come along. He felt terrible, assured me that was definitely not the case, and told me again that he felt he needed to be more established in his career before we married. I told him that part of being committed is sticking by each other whether times are good or bad, and left it at that. I had also set a mental proposal deadline for the end of 2011 (not unreasonable IMO) because it's not fair to keep someone around for that long with no promise to marry.
I think the conversation really got the boy thinking because he proposed a month later:) It took my guy eight years to see the light. Hopefully it won't take your guy that long. Seeing that our stories are so similar, perhaps you should also sit down with your bf and let him know how you feel.
All in all, I don't regret living together for so long. We've figured each other out, know that we're compatible. It does feel like we're already married, sans the joint account, so being married will be that much easier - no surprises. Good luck and keep us posted!
@cherrycoke: I agree with you, I think living together before getting engaged allows each partner to learn so much more about the other. By living together you learn their quirks, their habits, their preferences, etc...and it makes those first few years of marriage together that much easier.
To the OP, I think you guys living together already has you settled into your roles, therefore there won't be any surprises when you are married (which in my opinion is better and a lot easier). The actual act of getting married is just making that commitment/promise in front of your family and friends and to celebrate your love with those you care about. Really, like you said, nothing much will change (with the exception of your name and bank account, but that's no biggie). Also, a few things legally in terms of assets, retirement, life insurance and whatnot...
My boyfriend and I have been dating 2 years now and have been living together for the past 6 months. We know we're practically like married, but without the mutual bank account (although we pretty much share the money). HOWEVER, that doesn't mean I don't want to get married, and I told him that. I told him, I believed in moving in together before getting engaged as sort of a "test drive," but that I still wanted the commitment from him that we would soon marry. The incentive to propose would be to make it official--that's it. Because you want it, and in my opinion, there doesn't need to be a better reason than that.
Do a little bit of research. The statistics are out there and readily available.
Living together before engagement or marriage decreases your chances of getting married and increases your chances of getting a divorce if you do get married.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Rivendeler | 13 |
| Suikerbossie | 9 |
| Future Mrs K | 8 |
| janetsnakehole | 6 |
| ellisrobertson | 6 |
| MrsOliveBird | 5 |
| ladyartichoke | 5 |
| NehaPrasad92 | 5 |
| ndreighton | 5 |
| deniselobo | 5 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| islandbabes | 1 |
| linssi | 1 |
