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Do you think your FMIL would feel better if you got engaged and set a date? It seems to me like you have started talking about Summer of 2014 already. A 2 year engagement is not at all un heard of.
That being said, I don't think it's healthy for anyone in the situation to use money to manipulate your relationship. If they disagree based on moral reasons thats one thin, but the money for law school was not money for a house so I have a hard time seeing how the two are related.
Living together is a huge adjustment, and I would not recomend it unless you were serious about getting married. Mr. Aardvark and I lived together a short time before getting engaged and I had fears occationally that we would just keep going in that non-engaged cohabitating state forever. Clearly we did not.
Every relationship is different and you and your SO should decided what is best for the two of you (without outside influence) and then share that with your friends and family. I do think its a good sign that she doesn't object to you and him being married in general. It may just be a generational difference.
Good luck! Keep us posted.
Would she be more amenable to the idea if you two were actually engaged? And did a long engagement while you sort things out.
I agree, it's ridiculous. But so are tuition bills. :\ Even though I feel kind of bad saying that.
It's really frustrating when people give gifts with strings attached, but unfortunately you and your SO are between a rock and a hard spot. Your FMIL has the money and it is hers to do with as she pleases. It sucks that she's forcing it on you like this, but I don't think there is anything you can do about it. :(
I know many couples live together before they're married for the convenience of it all. That is really bad she gave your boyfriend an ultimatum for that. I don't know what to say to that because I don't know them or you.
Howver, I do not agree with her saying that couples who live together before marriage WON'T get married! I, for one, is an example. I think it's very important to live with eachother to get a feel of how one another lives so you can be prepared for it before the life long commitment.
I hope everything works out for you both! Think of it this way, if his mother pays for law school that's one less thing you two as a couple have to worry about. :)
A lot of mothers have that perspective, and since she's paying so much money for your SO, I think it's worth just putting her mind at ease. She obviously cares about you and your relationship, and she obviously wants to see you married, but maybe she just has some bad ideas about living together. I'm going to support what everyone else said and asked if she would be more ok with you guys living together as an engaged couple in a longer engagement.
Since it doesnt seem to be a moral or religious stance, has she been shown the statistics? That living together is not indicative of a failed marriage?
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-28-cohabitation-research_N.htm
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-03-02-cohabiting02_N.htm
http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-03-03/entertainment/27057883_1_cohabiting-couples-marriage
Thank's for such a quick reply! I had asked my SO if he thought being engaged would change anything and he wasn't sure. I feel that he would be willing to do whatever he can (aside from getting married) to live together so if his mother would be okay with that he would probably feel comfortable with getting engaged this summer. we have a plan to get engaged and then married in what we feel is a timely manner and it just sucks that FMIL is getting in the way of that.
As for the long engagement, it's something that I am going to have SO ask her to see if that's an option. I know a couple that was engaged for 2 years and although she said the waiting was very hard, it's a small price to pay to be happy and living together.
I have read those articles and sent them to SO but we both know his mother and both know that she won't budge. Although she didn't make it sound like a religious issue, she is a strong catholic and I do feel that it is an underlying reason. She also knows that we sleep togther already and has given SO the pregnancy talk more than once (having a baby right now would ruin your future, you wouldn't be able to go to law school and do what you want to do with your life blah blah blah) so we had wondered if the reason she doesn't want us living together is because she doesn't want me to get pregnant before we are married (but we aren't living together now and are sleeping together so i'm not sure if she thinks that this would stop us because it obviously would not).
It makes me feel better knowing that there are a lot of you who are supportive of me on this :) Thanks.
.... how would she know if you two lived together if you were in another city?
I'm not advocating lying, I'm just saying.... ;)
That being said, this is a serious choice. Law school is expensive, and tht money sure would help... but then again, you're both adults and should be able to live your lives. Could you swing law school without her help through loans? If not I'd consider living separately just for the cash. I don't think any amount of statistics is going to change this woman's mind, unfortunately.
And for what its worth, I not only live/d with my now-fiance before engagement, he also bought our house in which we live together in sin. I personally dont think that living together changes things - either you want to get married and you make it happen, or you don't.
Ok - I know you and your boyfriend have already thought a lot of these things through, but I would suggest you/he reconsider taking a year off to study for an LSAT. If his mother is planning to pay the Law School tuition, then I would suggest he work on his LSATs now, plan for Law School for the coming year, you would then only have to be living in separate places (and in the same city) for 1 year and then you can move forward with your life.
Also - not that I'm supporting this logic at all (my husband and I lived together for 2 years before we got engaged, and are recently married), but maybe she feels as though the two of you living together may put his education at risk (since he's already moving forward with his life, he may feel like he doesn't want to finish school, etc.). If that's the case, then he has to talk to her about trusting him, etc. But you know how some parents can be...they worry about girlfriends/boyfriends being a "distraction to your studies..." blah blah blah, so maybe that's the issue?
Either way, good luck. I'm sure it isn't easy being in your position right now - make sure you man stands up for you and your relationship! You don't want a meddling mother-in-law around forever.
@Happy2bMrs: He would do the whole LSAT and stuff now but he isn't positive that he is going to graduate on time (this spring) and is worried that he doesn't have much time left to study and doesn't want to waste one of his trys to get a good score. That and we want to wait until 2014 to get married because we feel that being 24 is a good age and we really don't want to rush things.
Fair enough...only you guys know what's best for your relationship. Whatever you decide, good luck. It sounds like you are both thinking very maturely and making good decisions...hopefully your MIL sees that eventually!
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My SO and I are not engaged yet (this probably won't happen for another year or so) but we are in our senior year of college and have started talking about what we are going to do after we graduate. He plans to take a year off and work before he applies and goes to law school so that he can study his butt off and get a good score on the LSAT. Since neither of us are from large citys and the law school he dreams of going to is, we had planned to move to the city where he wants to go to law school after graduation so we can get to know the area and that way I can look for teaching jobs down there and I won't have to move after a year. We had planned on living together for at least a year before we got married (which would be summer of 2014) but after deciding this, we thought about living together after graduation and for about 2 years before getting married, mostly because it would save money and we both know that we would basically be living together anyway, always at eachothers places. Well my mom is fine with it and completely gets why we would live together for both reasons. But apparently FMIL has some very strong views against it. My SO comes from a wealthy family and they had promised him that they would pay for law school but now that he brought up the idea of living together she said that if we do live together before we are married she won't pay for school anymore. It would be completely rediculious to give up money like that, expecially since I will have have student loans to pay back myself. But she just said some very rude things. She seems to think that if we live together before we are married we would be throwing our relationship down the drain. She said that if we lived together before marriage we would NEVER get married and we WOULD break up. She said that if we think we are ready to get married then thats fine, but we aren't ready to get married yet. It's a huge committment and even though I do get impatient sometimes, I really do want to wait. I know that there probably isn't anything that we can do about it other than get our own apartments and visit eachother as much as we can but am I wrong to be so upset about this?