Nigelsbride I just wanted to say I actually don't think you came across as a horrible or judgmental person. I thought your response was tactful and considerate. I think your choice is simply so unusual these days that it is bound to evoke some defensiveness from others who are believers, no matter how carefully you explain your situation. You've opened my eyes to a new point of view - not one that I would adopt for myself, but I have come to understand your choice, and I think that's a good thing. I'm glad you posted about your choice.
I've been following this thread for a while now and just thought I'd throw in my two cents as well, especially since some of you may have followed my planning process on Weddingbee and therefore "know" me a little better than other posters.
Mr. Plumeria and I did not live together before getting married, and we feel absolutely sure this was the right decision for us. The reason why was almost purely a religious one, as I must concede it was definitely not more convenient or easier to live apart while we were engaged. We were very happy and excited to finally live together after we tied the knot!
I personally don't expect someone else who does not have the same religious beliefs as us to understand what we felt were the benefits of not living together beforehand, as much of that has to do with fulfilling a set of guidelines that would not exist without our particular beliefs. For us, for whom those guidelines do exist, we were perfectly willing to acquiesce, and are consequently perfectly happy with our decision -- wouldn't have had it any other way! So, it was definitely right for us in our situation, but given a completely different situation with different individuals, a different choice could have been made and yielded an equally happy married couple!
I feel that the choice is one to be made with each individual couple, and there isn't an answer that can be considered universally "right" by all, especially within the diverse group commenting here.
That said -- to answer the original question, I think anytime you're about to live with someone and share life in a whole new way, it's a natural reaction to be a little apprehensive! But in the end, it's really the greatest blessing to live and learn with the person you love the most... and it's a lot of fun, too. =)
Live with my FI now and have for about a year and a half at least. I love it and I understand that some think its wrong. Our parents kinda turn a blind eye like they don't know. . .
I definitely don't think it is anything to freak out about. It is fine and very good preparation for marriage because when I initially moved in it was rocky for awhile dealing with your significant other's idiosycracies etc.
The summer after I graduated high school, my fiance and I both moved out of our parents' houses into an apartment together. At first, we had another roommate with us (a friend of mine from high school), and now that she has moved out, I'm absolutely loving that we're living together before we get married this June. It honestly helps so much knowing if you can live with that person BEFORE tying the knot. :]
My fiance and I were best friends for almost a year to the day before our first kiss, but the moment we went from friends to more than friends we were inseparable from day one. We pretty much started living together from the very beginning. We officially got our own place afte being together for about 11 months. We've been together now for more than 5 years.
I wouldn't change it at all. Quite honestly I think it's nice to kind of do a trial run before making such a big commitment. I would rather know how things would be before getting married than after. You discover a lot of things about someone when you share the same living space. I've had really close friends in the past that once we began living together we just couldn't get along and therefore are no longer good friends, let alone acquaintances.
One thing I strongly believe in about relationships is that you should have your own identity separate from being together as a couple. Just because you live together doesn't mean you have to lose your independence.
i've felt so bad for nigelsbride as i was reading her responses. it is so sad to me that when an opinion is presented through a religious perspective it's often met with defensivness (this happened to have occured to me tonight from a good friend so it's particularly striking).
we won't be able to live together before marriage, for many reasons. first and foremost, we don't feel that it's right for our relationship. we were brought up in such a manner that we feel it isn't an important "stepping stone" into marriage. as my mom always told me "if your dirty unmentionables are mixing with his the dryer door better be clanging against your ring!" (for a southern woman she really had a way with words). factor in the religious aspects (we're christian), the perception that we've waited until marriage to consumate our relationship, and the fact that his first-generation catholic-raised maltese mother (whom i ADORE) would promptly disown us and we realize that waiting to live together, and forcing ourselves to say goodnight at a respectable hour, as hard as it is is absolutley the right choice for us.
that said, i don't look down in any way on people who live together before marriage. for many, it's the right choice. it goes by a case-by-case basis, and i realize that. what is right for us may not (and is not) right for other couples and i understand that.
We dated for 2.5 years before we were engaged and once we were we bought a house together. My family wasn't psyched about it- religious reasons plus i have younger siblings- but his family had no problem. I never asked for permission from my family as i knew what the answer would be. But I'm also an adult & my fam have totally accepted MY decisions. As for the living together- I LOVE IT. I wouldn't change it. I do have moments of regret- solely based on my family's opinion, but not because I'm unhappy or wondering "what would it be like if we waited?" I am glad I won't be moving in with him, sifting through piles of wedding gifts, and just returning home from a honeymoon all at the same time.
We were together for nearly 6 years before marriage. And lived together for 5 years, to the day, when we were married. It made sense financially to live together, and we couldn't think of a good reason not to do it- so we moved in together after dating for about 10 months. It was a wonderful decision and I don't regret it one bit. I see no problem in getting used to living together before tying the knot. And it's still special when you get married, I promise! (Married 9 months now :)
we dont live together b /c we are in different cities for our respective careers
it's a huge pita - but for us - it works.
more than likely we will live apart after we're married - for about 6 months - again due to our careers - he cant just leave and i just cant leave.
however, i think if we lived in the same city, we would still not be living together before being married - it's just not our style i guess. not to say that we wouldnt be at one or the other's place - but i think we'd both still have our own places until "i do"
i think each couple has to do what's best for them under their specific circumstances...if that means living together, then by all means, move in together... if not, then dont - i dont see why there's such an uproar about it
We've been together 7 years now and living together for about 3. We love it but I think it just depends on the couple. It really can make or break ya.
Of course, you have to handle the issues the right way. It's normal to be scared about moving in, esp. since you've been enjoying your own space for so long. If you do move in together before the wedding, it'll be a lot less stressful after the wedding, b/c you can just relax. Before, you'll be able to get the move out of the way first, at least.
distance seperates us currently, but for the first 4 years of our relationship we did not live together. (religious reasons)....and even though we are engaged, i have chosen not to move to his city yet bc its not right for us personally.
since not living together for religous reasons seems to be in the minority, i felt the need to speak up.....bc those who haven't taken that plunge yet need to know that they are others out here.
i'm nervous about living together primarily bc i do like having my own space and currently he lives in a one bedroom apt, but I am excited too. it will be an interesting transition, but i know our faith will bring us thru it.
We are also not living together, for personal and religious reasons (It also doesn't hurt that my parents said they would not contribute to our wedding if we did live together). I really have been surprised at how much judgement I have encountered for NOT living with FI, even though there are valid reasons not to. For me, I want to live like a single when I am single, and have something to look forward to when we get married (even though I understand that living together will be challenging too). That being said, I think it really does depend on the individual couple, and it is always important to resepct others' choices even when they differ from your own.
I told my fiance from the get-go that I would not live with him before we were engaged. This was for three reasons:
1. Guys who live with women before engagement are less like to propose. "Why buy the cow," right?
2. If you live together before engagement and end up breaking up (I've known three girls who this happened to), the break up is very similar to a divorce. It's simply awful.
My fiance and I live together. We've been together for seven years and have lived together for four. All in all, i think it was a great decision. even my grandma (yes ladies, my CATHOLIC GRANDMA) said people should live together first to find out if they can handle it. Of course, all of her kids didn't do that and there are 4 divorces among her 5 children....so you can imagine why she said that. My fiance and I have a very mature relationship and we respect each other and know each other backward and forward. We are very lucky. I love living with him. That being said......there were definitely times I wish we hadn't done it this way. Admittedly, a big reason for that was that i waited SIX YEARS for him to propose...and i know that had we not lived together, we probably would've been married for a few years already by now. However, wanting to get married sooner would have been a terrible reason not to live together. We have treated each other like we are married....joint checking, life insurance plans, wills and all of the rest. My only demand, and he agreed, was that if i got pregnant, he'd be marrying me the very week the stick turned pink. Haha. For us, it was a good decision. But everyone is different.
My fiance and I also live together. In fact, I moved in with him after our second "date." I had just graduated college and was planning on moving back with my parents for a month before taking a job across the country.
Instead of leaving him and our college town for that month to stay with my parents, we decided that I should just stay with him before I moved away. We had been friends for almost a year, and it just felt right.
I still moved away after a month, even though I knew that I wanted us to end up together because I didn't want to wonder in 10 years, "what if..." I needed to make an informed decision after giving this job opportunity a chance. He was set on living in our small city where opportunities for pursuing my dream job were limited, so I knew that to give it a chance I'd have to leave.
After 6 months of a long distance relationship we were falling more in love and I decided that I would move back with him after a year. Three months after that I couldn't wait any more and he drove out and picked me up. We've been living together ever since, and will be getting married next summer.
We are both easy going people, and cohabitating has been a breeze. There haven't been any bumps in the road, and we feel we are very lucky to have such compatible styles of living and expactations of each other.
Neither of our parents had any issues with us living together, and it's so common place among my friends and family that I never felt like we were breaking any taboos. I understand why some brides for cultural, religious or logistical issues would not live together before marriage, but it made the most sense for us.
You may be surprised to see that these days "The odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage."
I have always been an old fashioned kind of gal and said I would never live with a man before marriage. However, my fiance had said he'd never marry a girl he hadn't lived with (he believes thats when you truely get to know a person, i now agree completely). So to compromise, we decided to move in once engaged. It has worked wonders to our wedding and savings fund. We now save the money i would have used for my rent and are both content with our decision. It has made us go through growing pains BEFORE marriage so that we really know what we're getting ourselves into. We've grown stronger as a couple and fallen into even deeper love! i dont regret going against my original "rule" one bit!
as far as God and religion, we are good people who only do good unto the world. we wouldn't hurt a soul and we treat others as we would like to be treated. We both know we are going to heaven and firmly believe that us living together will not affect our "worthiness" of heaven nor does it make God love us any less.
I honestly didn't think nigelsbride was sounding judgemental of OTHER people...just judging what she felt was moral for herself...maybe could've been worded in another way, but I found the responses to her to be more upsetting than her input.
As to my feelings, I just moved in w/ my FH on Friday. Some of our reasons were financial, but it just seems like a logical step. We had been engaged 2 mos to the day when the new renter moved into my place.
One thing that drives me crazy is that living together equals morality? I understand the Christian perspective of not having sex before your married, but is living together actually a sin? I personally am no more tempted to have sex just bc we live together! We have been together over 2 years without having sex (we're not super young either). It makes me crazy that people assume you are having sex if you live together. Many people are having sex that DON'T live together, so I see them as separate issues. That being said, when I was younger I didn't want to live w/ my BFs, but it feels right now, and I don't feel like it is against God's will for us. Luckily my family has been good with it, too, even though they personally didn't live together before marriage. I've told a few people we are still waiting, but I don't care to defend myself to anyone who judges cohabitation.
@ jess03: I am going to have to disagree with all of your reasons.
1. "Why buy the cow"? Assuming that you're using the quote with the original reference to sex, I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who needed a "carrot" dangled in front of his nose in order to marry me!
2. Yes, it is similar to divorce in an emotional sense, but there typically aren't attorneys, legal fees, etc when you're not married. The pain and heartbreak associated with breaking up with someone is dependent on how long you've been together and how closely tied you were emotionally regardless of which box you checked on your taxes.
3. As glacee pointed out, that article is from 1987. Besides, if there is one thing I learned in my statistics class it's that you can make them say anything.
I'm sure you have good reasons for choosing the path that you did, as did I. We all have to choose what is right for us as individuals and couples.
For me, I took my boyfriend home the 2nd night I met him with the intentions of it being a one night stand. (At which I failed miserably, we've been together ever since!) We never looked back and I moved in with him a year later. We've been together two years now and despite a high calcium diet we'll be getting married in two years. I think sometimes your heart knows before the rest of you can catch up. (Not to say I recommend this route. I'm still surprised it worked out so well.)
I appreciate the dialogue, guys. But I stand by my original reasons. Some clarification:
1. When I say "why buy the cow" I'm not just referring to sex. I'm referring to allowing both partners to have all the benefits of marriage (cohabitation, financial interdependence, shared household duties, and yes, easy access to sex) without any of the responsibilities of lifelong commitment. This goes for both partners. I have had several friends whose cohabiting boyfriends said something to the effect of: "Why get married, it's like we're married already." When starting your household doesn't coincide with starting your marriage, something is lost to the specialness of the marriage.
2. When I said that the breakup if you live together is a lot like a divorce, I basically meant that if you live together before engagement, you are upping the ante for the breakup. As long as you're not engaged, there is no hard commitment on either side that "we will not break up." When my friend T broke it off with her boyfriend of 8 years, because he wouldn't marry her, their break-up was even more awful than a normal breakup because they had to decide who would get all of their personal property (they had split costs), and they had to decide who would live out the lease in their apartment, which neither could afford without a roommate. They were still working out money-related conflicts 9 months after their breakup! Living together necessarily means becoming financially intwined with someone. That's why I say it's very similar to a divorce --- and again, withough the benefit of every being married! When I made my decision to wait until after engagement, the thought that I would never want to risk going through that, no matter how low I thought the risk, played a big factor.
3. While the USA today article provides an interesting counterpoint, it still says in the second paragraph that those who cohabitate are more likely to divorce. This of course might be because couples who wait to live together take marriage more seriously than those who don't, not becuase the cohabiting "caused" it. So it might be correlation and not causation. But still. See, e.g.,
Of course, I realize that this is a very personal issue, and I'm living wtih my fiancee right now! (Although we waited until after we were engaged.) I just think that since the responses on this board have been so overwhelmingly pro-cohabitation, I would point out some of the reasons some of chose not to live together, even aside from religious reasons.
Nigelsbride I just wanted to say I actually don't think you came across as a horrible or judgmental person. I thought your response was tactful and considerate. I think your choice is simply so unusual these days that it is bound to evoke some defensiveness from others who are believers, no matter how carefully you explain your situation. You've opened my eyes to a new point of view - not one that I would adopt for myself, but I have come to understand your choice, and I think that's a good thing. I'm glad you posted about your choice.
posted by smartl 353 posts 1 year agoI've been following this thread for a while now and just thought I'd throw in my two cents as well, especially since some of you may have followed my planning process on Weddingbee and therefore "know" me a little better than other posters.
Mr. Plumeria and I did not live together before getting married, and we feel absolutely sure this was the right decision for us. The reason why was almost purely a religious one, as I must concede it was definitely not more convenient or easier to live apart while we were engaged. We were very happy and excited to finally live together after we tied the knot!
I personally don't expect someone else who does not have the same religious beliefs as us to understand what we felt were the benefits of not living together beforehand, as much of that has to do with fulfilling a set of guidelines that would not exist without our particular beliefs. For us, for whom those guidelines do exist, we were perfectly willing to acquiesce, and are consequently perfectly happy with our decision -- wouldn't have had it any other way! So, it was definitely right for us in our situation, but given a completely different situation with different individuals, a different choice could have been made and yielded an equally happy married couple!
I feel that the choice is one to be made with each individual couple, and there isn't an answer that can be considered universally "right" by all, especially within the diverse group commenting here.
That said -- to answer the original question, I think anytime you're about to live with someone and share life in a whole new way, it's a natural reaction to be a little apprehensive! But in the end, it's really the greatest blessing to live and learn with the person you love the most... and it's a lot of fun, too. =)
posted by plumeria 47 posts 1 year agoLive with my FI now and have for about a year and a half at least. I love it and I understand that some think its wrong. Our parents kinda turn a blind eye like they don't know. . .
I definitely don't think it is anything to freak out about. It is fine and very good preparation for marriage because when I initially moved in it was rocky for awhile dealing with your significant other's idiosycracies etc.
posted by IndianBride 179 posts 8 months agoThe summer after I graduated high school, my fiance and I both moved out of our parents' houses into an apartment together. At first, we had another roommate with us (a friend of mine from high school), and now that she has moved out, I'm absolutely loving that we're living together before we get married this June. It honestly helps so much knowing if you can live with that person BEFORE tying the knot. :]
posted by missking 55 posts 8 months agoMy fiance and I were best friends for almost a year to the day before our first kiss, but the moment we went from friends to more than friends we were inseparable from day one. We pretty much started living together from the very beginning. We officially got our own place afte being together for about 11 months. We've been together now for more than 5 years.
I wouldn't change it at all. Quite honestly I think it's nice to kind of do a trial run before making such a big commitment. I would rather know how things would be before getting married than after. You discover a lot of things about someone when you share the same living space. I've had really close friends in the past that once we began living together we just couldn't get along and therefore are no longer good friends, let alone acquaintances.
One thing I strongly believe in about relationships is that you should have your own identity separate from being together as a couple. Just because you live together doesn't mean you have to lose your independence.
Good Luck!
posted by lina624 60 posts 8 months agoi've felt so bad for nigelsbride as i was reading her responses. it is so sad to me that when an opinion is presented through a religious perspective it's often met with defensivness (this happened to have occured to me tonight from a good friend so it's particularly striking).
we won't be able to live together before marriage, for many reasons. first and foremost, we don't feel that it's right for our relationship. we were brought up in such a manner that we feel it isn't an important "stepping stone" into marriage. as my mom always told me "if your dirty unmentionables are mixing with his the dryer door better be clanging against your ring!" (for a southern woman she really had a way with words). factor in the religious aspects (we're christian), the perception that we've waited until marriage to consumate our relationship, and the fact that his first-generation catholic-raised maltese mother (whom i ADORE) would promptly disown us and we realize that waiting to live together, and forcing ourselves to say goodnight at a respectable hour, as hard as it is is absolutley the right choice for us.
that said, i don't look down in any way on people who live together before marriage. for many, it's the right choice. it goes by a case-by-case basis, and i realize that. what is right for us may not (and is not) right for other couples and i understand that.
posted by kaymarie 9 posts 8 months agoWe dated for 2.5 years before we were engaged and once we were we bought a house together. My family wasn't psyched about it- religious reasons plus i have younger siblings- but his family had no problem. I never asked for permission from my family as i knew what the answer would be. But I'm also an adult & my fam have totally accepted MY decisions. As for the living together- I LOVE IT. I wouldn't change it. I do have moments of regret- solely based on my family's opinion, but not because I'm unhappy or wondering "what would it be like if we waited?" I am glad I won't be moving in with him, sifting through piles of wedding gifts, and just returning home from a honeymoon all at the same time.
posted by wizard 34 posts 7 months agoWe were together for nearly 6 years before marriage. And lived together for 5 years, to the day, when we were married. It made sense financially to live together, and we couldn't think of a good reason not to do it- so we moved in together after dating for about 10 months. It was a wonderful decision and I don't regret it one bit. I see no problem in getting used to living together before tying the knot. And it's still special when you get married, I promise! (Married 9 months now :)
posted by pado84 1 posts 6 months agowe dont live together b /c we are in different cities for our respective careers
it's a huge pita - but for us - it works.
more than likely we will live apart after we're married - for about 6 months - again due to our careers - he cant just leave and i just cant leave.
however, i think if we lived in the same city, we would still not be living together before being married - it's just not our style i guess. not to say that we wouldnt be at one or the other's place - but i think we'd both still have our own places until "i do"
i think each couple has to do what's best for them under their specific circumstances...if that means living together, then by all means, move in together... if not, then dont - i dont see why there's such an uproar about it
posted by Anti-Zilla 385 posts 6 months agoWe've been together 7 years now and living together for about 3. We love it but I think it just depends on the couple. It really can make or break ya.
Of course, you have to handle the issues the right way. It's normal to be scared about moving in, esp. since you've been enjoying your own space for so long. If you do move in together before the wedding, it'll be a lot less stressful after the wedding, b/c you can just relax. Before, you'll be able to get the move out of the way first, at least.
But good luck!!
posted by futuremrsbrown 30 posts 6 months agodistance seperates us currently, but for the first 4 years of our relationship we did not live together. (religious reasons)....and even though we are engaged, i have chosen not to move to his city yet bc its not right for us personally.
since not living together for religous reasons seems to be in the minority, i felt the need to speak up.....bc those who haven't taken that plunge yet need to know that they are others out here.
i'm nervous about living together primarily bc i do like having my own space and currently he lives in a one bedroom apt, but I am excited too. it will be an interesting transition, but i know our faith will bring us thru it.
posted by GetMarried4Less 403 posts 6 months agoWe are also not living together, for personal and religious reasons (It also doesn't hurt that my parents said they would not contribute to our wedding if we did live together). I really have been surprised at how much judgement I have encountered for NOT living with FI, even though there are valid reasons not to. For me, I want to live like a single when I am single, and have something to look forward to when we get married (even though I understand that living together will be challenging too). That being said, I think it really does depend on the individual couple, and it is always important to resepct others' choices even when they differ from your own.
posted by ErinMarieMack 265 posts 6 months agoI told my fiance from the get-go that I would not live with him before we were engaged. This was for three reasons:
1. Guys who live with women before engagement are less like to propose. "Why buy the cow," right?
2. If you live together before engagement and end up breaking up (I've known three girls who this happened to), the break up is very similar to a divorce. It's simply awful.
3. Couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced. See http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9B0DE2DF1331F934A35751C1A961948260
posted by jess03 33 posts 2 months agoMy fiance and I live together. We've been together for seven years and have lived together for four. All in all, i think it was a great decision. even my grandma (yes ladies, my CATHOLIC GRANDMA) said people should live together first to find out if they can handle it. Of course, all of her kids didn't do that and there are 4 divorces among her 5 children....so you can imagine why she said that. My fiance and I have a very mature relationship and we respect each other and know each other backward and forward. We are very lucky. I love living with him. That being said......there were definitely times I wish we hadn't done it this way. Admittedly, a big reason for that was that i waited SIX YEARS for him to propose...and i know that had we not lived together, we probably would've been married for a few years already by now. However, wanting to get married sooner would have been a terrible reason not to live together. We have treated each other like we are married....joint checking, life insurance plans, wills and all of the rest. My only demand, and he agreed, was that if i got pregnant, he'd be marrying me the very week the stick turned pink. Haha. For us, it was a good decision. But everyone is different.
posted by gracielou 90 posts 2 months agoMy fiance and I also live together. In fact, I moved in with him after our second "date." I had just graduated college and was planning on moving back with my parents for a month before taking a job across the country.
Instead of leaving him and our college town for that month to stay with my parents, we decided that I should just stay with him before I moved away. We had been friends for almost a year, and it just felt right.
I still moved away after a month, even though I knew that I wanted us to end up together because I didn't want to wonder in 10 years, "what if..." I needed to make an informed decision after giving this job opportunity a chance. He was set on living in our small city where opportunities for pursuing my dream job were limited, so I knew that to give it a chance I'd have to leave.
After 6 months of a long distance relationship we were falling more in love and I decided that I would move back with him after a year. Three months after that I couldn't wait any more and he drove out and picked me up. We've been living together ever since, and will be getting married next summer.
We are both easy going people, and cohabitating has been a breeze. There haven't been any bumps in the road, and we feel we are very lucky to have such compatible styles of living and expactations of each other.
Neither of our parents had any issues with us living together, and it's so common place among my friends and family that I never felt like we were breaking any taboos. I understand why some brides for cultural, religious or logistical issues would not live together before marriage, but it made the most sense for us.
BTW, Jess03, that link you provided was from an article written in 1987. More updated statistics about the divorce rate among people who live together first can be found here: http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-28-cohabitation-research_N.htm
You may be surprised to see that these days "The odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage."
posted by glacee 3 posts 2 months agoI have always been an old fashioned kind of gal and said I would never live with a man before marriage. However, my fiance had said he'd never marry a girl he hadn't lived with (he believes thats when you truely get to know a person, i now agree completely). So to compromise, we decided to move in once engaged. It has worked wonders to our wedding and savings fund. We now save the money i would have used for my rent and are both content with our decision. It has made us go through growing pains BEFORE marriage so that we really know what we're getting ourselves into. We've grown stronger as a couple and fallen into even deeper love! i dont regret going against my original "rule" one bit!
as far as God and religion, we are good people who only do good unto the world. we wouldn't hurt a soul and we treat others as we would like to be treated. We both know we are going to heaven and firmly believe that us living together will not affect our "worthiness" of heaven nor does it make God love us any less.
posted by WMforever 42 posts 1 month agoI honestly didn't think nigelsbride was sounding judgemental of OTHER people...just judging what she felt was moral for herself...maybe could've been worded in another way, but I found the responses to her to be more upsetting than her input.
As to my feelings, I just moved in w/ my FH on Friday. Some of our reasons were financial, but it just seems like a logical step. We had been engaged 2 mos to the day when the new renter moved into my place.
One thing that drives me crazy is that living together equals morality? I understand the Christian perspective of not having sex before your married, but is living together actually a sin? I personally am no more tempted to have sex just bc we live together! We have been together over 2 years without having sex (we're not super young either). It makes me crazy that people assume you are having sex if you live together. Many people are having sex that DON'T live together, so I see them as separate issues. That being said, when I was younger I didn't want to live w/ my BFs, but it feels right now, and I don't feel like it is against God's will for us. Luckily my family has been good with it, too, even though they personally didn't live together before marriage. I've told a few people we are still waiting, but I don't care to defend myself to anyone who judges cohabitation.
posted by cannotwait 228 posts 1 month ago@ jess03: I am going to have to disagree with all of your reasons.
1. "Why buy the cow"? Assuming that you're using the quote with the original reference to sex, I certainly wouldn't want to be with a man who needed a "carrot" dangled in front of his nose in order to marry me!
2. Yes, it is similar to divorce in an emotional sense, but there typically aren't attorneys, legal fees, etc when you're not married. The pain and heartbreak associated with breaking up with someone is dependent on how long you've been together and how closely tied you were emotionally regardless of which box you checked on your taxes.
3. As glacee pointed out, that article is from 1987. Besides, if there is one thing I learned in my statistics class it's that you can make them say anything.
I'm sure you have good reasons for choosing the path that you did, as did I. We all have to choose what is right for us as individuals and couples.
For me, I took my boyfriend home the 2nd night I met him with the intentions of it being a one night stand. (At which I failed miserably, we've been together ever since!) We never looked back and I moved in with him a year later. We've been together two years now and despite a high calcium diet we'll be getting married in two years. I think sometimes your heart knows before the rest of you can catch up. (Not to say I recommend this route. I'm still surprised it worked out so well.)
posted by caitlanc 41 posts 1 month agoI appreciate the dialogue, guys. But I stand by my original reasons. Some clarification:
1. When I say "why buy the cow" I'm not just referring to sex. I'm referring to allowing both partners to have all the benefits of marriage (cohabitation, financial interdependence, shared household duties, and yes, easy access to sex) without any of the responsibilities of lifelong commitment. This goes for both partners. I have had several friends whose cohabiting boyfriends said something to the effect of: "Why get married, it's like we're married already." When starting your household doesn't coincide with starting your marriage, something is lost to the specialness of the marriage.
2. When I said that the breakup if you live together is a lot like a divorce, I basically meant that if you live together before engagement, you are upping the ante for the breakup. As long as you're not engaged, there is no hard commitment on either side that "we will not break up." When my friend T broke it off with her boyfriend of 8 years, because he wouldn't marry her, their break-up was even more awful than a normal breakup because they had to decide who would get all of their personal property (they had split costs), and they had to decide who would live out the lease in their apartment, which neither could afford without a roommate. They were still working out money-related conflicts 9 months after their breakup! Living together necessarily means becoming financially intwined with someone. That's why I say it's very similar to a divorce --- and again, withough the benefit of every being married! When I made my decision to wait until after engagement, the thought that I would never want to risk going through that, no matter how low I thought the risk, played a big factor.
3. While the USA today article provides an interesting counterpoint, it still says in the second paragraph that those who cohabitate are more likely to divorce. This of course might be because couples who wait to live together take marriage more seriously than those who don't, not becuase the cohabiting "caused" it. So it might be correlation and not causation. But still. See, e.g.,
http://archives.cnn.com/2002/US/07/24/cdc.marriagereport/index.html
http://marriage.about.com/cs/cohabitation/a/livingtogether.htm
Of course, I realize that this is a very personal issue, and I'm living wtih my fiancee right now! (Although we waited until after we were engaged.) I just think that since the responses on this board have been so overwhelmingly pro-cohabitation, I would point out some of the reasons some of chose not to live together, even aside from religious reasons.
posted by jess03 33 posts 1 month ago