- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
So from time to time I have issues with insomnia. I discovered recently that if I go into the guest room in the middle of the night (when I can't sleep) and turn on the TV, or read, or whatever, it helps a lot. Not to mention, I get a whole big bed to myself!
I haven't been able to bring myself just to start out sleeping in the guest room because it seems weird not to share a room/bed with DH at all. But I like the guest room better! Don't get me wrong, I love DH. Everything is great with us, our marriage, etc. I just need my beauty sleep!
So, Bees, what are your thoughts on couples that live together but sleep apart?
That used to be proper etiquette actually. I voted that I do it from time to time. Sometimes you just need your space, and like you, I also have insomnia. :) As long as you're not demanding that he leave if its your problem (and vice versa), I think its all good.
My FI and I sleep apart because I have insomnia really bad and he snores like a freight train. We still cuddle and stuff and have an awesome relationship; both inside and outside the bedrooms. We each have our own rooms and visit each other regularly. And we both get our "beauty sleep". Sleeping apart doesn't mean that we don't love each other because we really really do. It just means that we can both get a restful nights sleep and be happier in the mornings. Sleeping together was just making us miserable toward each other. It took awhile to get used to the idea, but sleeping apart has worked really well for us.
i would never in a million years do it. the best part of going to bed and waking up is cuddles IMO. and i would have voted "i dont think its a good idea" until a friend of mine told that he sleeps apart from his boyfriend. they each have their own rooms and beds and that just works really well for them and their relationship. so now i am of the opinion if it works for you, then great!
@farmgirl2106: I don't think it was ever "proper etiquette", unless I'm really mistaken. Married couples have always slept in the same bed irl. Back in the early days of television, it was considered too risque for the public to show a couple in the same bed together, which is why Lucy and Ricky, for example, had separate beds. But I don't think this was ever actual commonplace practice. And etiquette seems to be one of those things that never really trespasses on what married couples do in their own bedrooms (societal norms yes, etiquette no). But correct me if I'm wrong.
I honestly find it weird if I hear about serious partners living together but not regularly sleeping in the same bed, unless one or both partners have issues getting sleep for some reason. I can't understand it at all. One of my favorite things is cuddling in bed with FI at night and waking up all entwined with him; it makes it hard to get out of bed. On the other hand, not being able to get out of bed isn't really a good thing, ha. And he is a MAJOR cover hog and cover destroyer--I always wake up to find the flat sheet and any other layer but the comforter kicked to the bottom of the bed, plus a pillow or two on the floor. And he grinds his teeth at night, and flails often. So it probably does interrupt my sleep and cut down on the quality of it, but it's worth it to me. I can't understand why a couple without a partner who sleeps poorly or interrupts the sleep of another would skip out on the intimacy of sleeping together, I mean, I really really don't get it, but whatever. That's that couple's prerogative.
@veganglam: My grandparents had seperate beds when they first got married, and only started sleeping the same bed during the 60's. They were really young when they got married, and according to them, they never saw their parents sleeping the same bed, and no one on tv ever slept in the same bed. They had been married for a few years before they realized that it was quite normal for married people to sleep together, haha. They had always been too embarrassed to ask...
FI and I don't live together
... but...I understand where you're coming from. There are nights that I just can't sleep while FI snoozes away. There have been times where I go and watch tv and end up falling asleep on the couch. It's not a regular thing, but sometimes you just need your space, and a good night's sleep. FI doesn't mind it when it happens. I used to feel bad about it, and considered taking sleeping pills, but FI told me it was fine and that he had done the same thing when I had slept over at his place.
My FI and I don't live together but I couldn't even IMAGINE sleeping one night without him when we're married. Sometimes when I hang out at his place and fall asleep on his chest during a movie or something I feel so... *sigh* sappy moment lol. I'm a definitely a cuddler and so is he, so on the rare occasions we have slept in the same bed I loved waking up a tangled mess of limbs :) I love waking up and falling asleep with pillow talk abound! I would assume our pillows had to be close, as in on the same bed, for pillow talk to ensue. So same bed, for us. However if one COULDN'T sleep w their Hubby then what other choice would they have?
@SouthernGirl: Haha, aww, that's just cute. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that back when marriages weren't for love but for joining families and making lucrative transactions and the like, you know, centuries and centuries ago in most places, married couples only shared beds to, you know, seal the deal. I can think of stories about queens having bedrooms separate from kings and the like.
@veganglam: Probably so. I sort of giggled when they told me that story, and they laugh about it now too. I bet that marriages back in the really old days were like that, but seriously, how comfortable would you be sharing a bed with someone you'd probably only met once? That would not be my cup on tea. Eh. I've read about it too, where it specifically states the queen's bed chamber or the king's bed chamber...
I answered "other" in the poll. My husband and I sleep in different rooms every night, and we always have. He use to snore horribly due to sleep apnea and being overweight. I have small inner ears, so earplugs hurt me, and I don't like the sensation of not being able to hear what's going on. Despite the earplugs and a fan going full force, his snoring would still keep me up. It's also easier for him to sleep propped up, so he sleeps on an upright futon haha. Now that my husband has lost a lot of weight, his snoring is better, so I think we're going to try to sleep together soon.
That being said, I hate sleeping in different rooms. I feel like I'm missing a level of intimacy by not going to sleep or waking up next to my husband. I think lots of snuggles before bed or in the morning could help with this if someone has the same problem. I also hate that we always have to get a two bedroom apartment (or a three bedroom house just to have a guestroom!). Oh well, right now it works for us because we both get the best night sleep possible, and I get a big bed all to myself, which is awesome!
When FH and I moved in together and started sleeping together reguarly I knew it was just NOT going to work. I am an incredibly light sleeper and allergic to the cold so I need silence and warmth to fall asleep. FH snores like crazy, likes listening to the tv and hates being hot so he always wants to sleep with a fan on or window open (even when its snowing!). After a few attempts at sleeping together and days of being exhausted from lack of sleep I moved to "my room" and its so much better for us. We will still fall asleep together, cuddle, and things like that but one of us will usually move to the other bedroom or if I go to bed before FH he will "tuck me in" I love the idea of sleeping with FH but I hate actually doing it!
My fiance has insomnia issues, as well. He's also a very light sleeper and apparently I'm a loud breather, so I often wake up to find he's sleeping on the futon in the office. I don't like waking up to an empty bed, but a understand that if that's what he needs to get some sleep then so be it. I feel bad that he has to sleep on a crappy futon instead of our awesome bed.
I have a really hard time sleeping apart from DH. We never sleep apart, but if I go to bed before him he'll sometimes tuck me in, which is very cute. We kind of have a full bed, what with us and the two cats who snuggle up when it's cold out.
We often (most of the time!) sleep in separate rooms and I LOVE IT! He has to shake his legs and listen to music while he falls asleep, I need silence and stillness! It works out perfectly for us, especially because my schedule is wacky with grad school. We do everything else in the bed together though ;)
My FI and I regularly sleep apart... my insomnia + him snoring = grumpy me!
ALSO, to those people who thing that sleeping together is a key to a long & happy marriage; my parents have slept mostly apart for most of their marriage and they're still adorable in love after 35 years!
After the week we've had (sleep-wise) I totally support it. We always go to bed together, but when one of us is sick (i.e. snoring) the other person sometimes sleeps in the guest room. If it's a weekend, we'll come back and snuggle in the morning. I think having bed time together is great for intimacy, but for the actual sleeping portion...not big deal. I LOVE having a bed to myself. We don't really ever start apart, but I would consider it on occasion.
It's great to hear all the different sleeping arrangements couples have and what works for different people.
It feels a little better to know we're (I'm) not the only one with sleep issues and that sleeping apart *can* be apart of a long, happy marriage (thanks, bonsai_spork!). It's also nice to hear about all you lovebugs that love cuddling too much to sleep apart. ;)
FYI, for those who watch TV while your partner tries to sleep or vice versa--those TV ears things really work.
Couples sleeping in separate beds was only commonplace in 1950s tv, not real life. That said, I do know some elderly couples who sleep in separate rooms (but otherwise happily married) and it seems to work for them, however strange it may be. For most people, that only works to kill intimacy.
Makes sense to me. The older you get, the more set in your own ways you become. Also, dealing with hot flashes & night sweats can be rough on all parties.
FI works out of state six months a year, so we always sleep together if he is home! :-) He works nights sometimes, so that takes away more of our sleep time.
We always sleep together if we are home. If one of us can't sleep, we will stay in the living room on the laptop or watching TV and then come to bed. Both of us can sleep through anything, so he will bring his laptop to bed sometimes.
I remember a lot of Agatha Christie books where the married couple had their own bedrooms, so I think this was common for at least Bristish aristocrats who could afford it in the early 20th century.
We sleep apart 4-5 nights out of the week. If one of us is going to get up significantly earlier than the other, we do it so we don't wake the other one up unnecessarily in the morning. My husband also has trouble sleeping and tosses and turns a lot, and once I'm awakened a few times like that I can't go back to sleep till 4 am sometimes. I find ours to be a happy compromise. We get our sleep during the week, and then we have our cuddle nights on the weekends. We know the sleeping arrangement is not due to marital problems but is just a matter of comfort and convenience, so it works for us.
My aunt & her husband sleep separately (two beds, same room) because he has restless leg syndrome.
I can be a light sleeper so sometimes if I am having particular difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep (because of my partner shuffling, or even breathing too loud at times--not snoring breathing) one of us (usually me) will move to the spare or the couch to crash.
I love sharing my bed with my partner, but at times I do need my space, stillness & silence.
So if it works for you, great!
sleeping apart would make me really sad. there's something so special about waking up next to fi and being able to cuddle without getting out of bed!
that said, i don't know what i would do if he was a terrible snorer.
I cannot fall asleep w/out DH in bed w/ me, so seperate beds or rooms is not an option. Before reading this poll I would've said it was way weird to me that married couples sleep apart. But after reading the reasons for sleeping apart, it definitely makes sense for some people...so to each their own!
DH and I slept apart for a couple months leading up to the wedding and then about a month afterwards as well. He has sciatica and our old, not very supportive mattress was causing it to flare up. So, our first major purchase post-wedding was all new bedroom furniture and a fabulous new king size mattress. Now we're back to sleeping together and his sciatica has subsided thanks to the new mattress.
I can't say I didn't enjoy sleeping apart sometimes though - I could leave the light on and read until later than DH usually stays awake. It was nice, relaxing downtime. At the same time though, it was like I missed him. It seems silly, as obviously we aren't really spending time together when we sleep, but somehow I did feel like it affected us. Happy to be back in the same bed again and both sleeping well!
First off, I HATE cuddling. I cannot convey how much I hate it. When I'm in bed, I want space and coolness. We're Catholics and live in the same apartment, sleep in different rooms to avoid a mortal sin. So I'm fine with it. I kind of want to continue it when we get married b/c I can hear him snoring through the walls and I know I won't be able to sleep when we are married.
If it works for you great! No one can tell you how you should sleep, or where. Only your husband can tell you if it works, right?! Our relationship is different! We have only slept apart in the 3 years we've been together, once! ANd that was because of a a HUGE fight we had.
My parents slept in separate rooms cause of my father's snoring. It was/is so freakin loud he wakes the dead. They were all over each other all the time, and did everything together. I don't really see it as a problem.
You might want to talk to your doctor about the insomnia tho, there could be an easy solution.
DH is a vicious sleepwalker. He had been known to go into the workshop he has and start using power tools while sound asleep! He finds that he must be totally exhausted to go to sleep, so he is up until 11;30or so even on a weeknight. He also needs it to be at least 80 degrees in the room to be comfortable.
I on the other hand get terrible migraines that none of the drugs seem to touch. A big trigger for me is lack of sleep. Another one is getting over heated, so I would rather sleep with it around 55.
He sleep on the couch a lot. . . It used to bother me, but honestly we both sleep better that way and I thank my lucky stars I haven't found him outside asleep, which has been known to happen!
When my hubby works we sleep apart because he has to sleep at work. I don't love it, but it makes me appreciate and enjoy him that much more when I do have him at home to sleep with. :)
I sleep better next to my husband. However, I know two married couples (parents of friends), who have been sleeping separately for years and years. Both sets of couples claim it's the only way they've been able to stay together for so long (due to excessive snoring or restless movement from one of the two). I can definitely see how this works for some people!
We wouldn't have thought about sleeping in separate beds (or rooms), but we've definitely had our struggles. I actually noticed a major milestone in our relationship (that I had never reached in a previous one) when I went from sleeping better alone to better with him.
That said, we have a queen bed (so there's space), we don't touch each other when we're actually trying to sleep, and if he starts snoring, I nudge him and ask him to sleep on his stomach (he only snores on his back).
It was definitely a process to get here, and I'm sure we've both lost tons of sleep, but I like that part of our relationship and wouldn't give it up for anything. However, we do have rough nights, and if one of us is sick we may try to sleep separately. Whatever works for you!
We have a crappy bed. We've been saving up to get a new one, but it's hard to sleep in really. A lot of nights DH can't fall asleep or wakes up and can't fall back asleep, so he goes out to the couch. I can't fall asleep well without him next to me, but I like having the space in the middle of the night. Hopefully we can get a king size and comfy bed soon to get this routine behind us!
I'm curious about those who voted "I don't think it's a good idea for anyone. Sleeping together builds intimacy", can you elaborate on why you think that? I think being asleep is one of the most non-intimate things we do together!
FH and I sleep together but thats b/c luckily we are both sound sleepers (and we only have 1 bed!). My ex was a sleep kicker and I refused to sleep in the same bed as him after he got me right in my shin and left a giant bruise!
To each there own. Who's to say where or how you should sleep? Do what works for you. Personally, we sleep together, but I've often thought about getting up and going to another room on some nights. We don't have another bed though, and the couch sucks for sleeping. Maybe when we get our 2br place!!
I can barely sleep without my boy next to me in bed. Sometimes if I am sick or have a headache I will sleep on the couch because he gets so hot that it makes it hard for me to sleep.
Also, his parent's sleep separately, and they have also been married for 30+ years.
for my hubby he has very strong views on this - we are married so we sleep in the same bed but i dont know, it would be kinda exciting sneaking into eachothers rooms for a bit of hot make out sex and then back to sleep
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Rivendeler | 14 |
| Suikerbossie | 9 |
| Future Mrs K | 8 |
| janetsnakehole | 6 |
| ellisrobertson | 6 |
| MrsOliveBird | 5 |
| ladyartichoke | 5 |
| NehaPrasad92 | 5 |
| ndreighton | 5 |
| deniselobo | 5 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| aprose | 1 |
| NehaPrasad92 | 1 |
| shychigirl | 1 |
