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So J asked me to move in with him. I got quite upset because I just moved into a new place and it was stressful. He seems to think it will speed up to marriage and I said it would slow it down. He said living together day to day is different and I said it is but we've already been staying at each others houses for over a year now I'm not going to be shocked by the day to day stuff.
I'm dead set against it, I told him I'd rather wait until we are at least engaged. He backed down but doesn't get it at all. He thinks this is what everyone does.
How do I explain this to him?
are you thinking if you move in together it will put off an engagement? is that why your against it?
I know I thought the same thing when I moved in with my FH but he proposed 1 week later!
I would wait until you are engaged. It is true that for some couples it does slow down the engagement process because you already feel like you are committed so it doesn't seem like you need to take the next step.
I don't think it will lead to a quick engagement, not in one week anyways! Plus he should have asked me over a month ago because I had to spend time looking for a new place and money etc. I'm not about to just turn around after being here for 2 weeks because he finally thinks it's the right time to just live together. Like I said I was kind of mad actually when he already knew how I felt about it 
Stick to your guns. I felt the same way you did. I didn't want to move in together unless we were engaged. The opportunity to move in together presented itself and I went against my gut because it seemed like the more sensible thing to do. Now I regret it. I wish I would have stuck to my guns.
Maybe it will speed up to marriage because he plans on proposing to you =].
I would have totally moved in with my now-husband if he hadn't been stationed 5 states away. I knew we were going to get engaged. Plus, most people I know actually move in, then have gotten engaged rather quickly.
And living together is way different than "just staying over". It's 1000% different.
If you are adamant about not moving in together before an engagement ring, stick with it. But make sure you aren't just saying that in order to get a ring on your finger faster. It's the classic "i won't do X unless you Z" argument and I just don't like the feel of that. I was thrilled the summer DH asked me to move in with him (a few years ago, before he got deployed), i didn't even stop to think about a ring. I figured it'd come naturally or we'd talk about it.
But since you literally JUST moved in, tell him, "you know, I probably would have if you'd asked me before I just signed this new lease" etc etc....so I'd ilve there until your lease runs out. No sense wasting money or losing a deposit!!!
I think if Brad and I didn't move in together we would be engaged by now. Because I think he feels less urgency about asking me to marry him since we already live together. However, I'm sure thats not the issue with every couple. Good luck
He asks you to move in just after you move into a new place? Um, heck no. I wouldn't do it. If he's so set on living together, ask him to move in with you and see how eager he is. :P
I agree with ejs4y8- Wait at least until your current lease runs out. I wouldn't think about it in terms of what will speed up/slow down the engagement. It's different for every couple. Some people don't want to get engaged until they have experienced living together. Some people won't live together until they are engaged. I think you should have a conversation with him (not now, wait until some time has gone by so you can both talk about it calmly) about what each of your expectations are regarding living together and why.
My FI and I did not live together, but I had to decide whether to renew my lease for the next year when I was only 3 months into that current lease, so essentially I ended up locked into a 21 month lease very early in our relationship. We were only dating for about 6 months at that point, and from then on it wasn't really an option. But we didn't want to live together before the wedding anyway, so it worked out fine.
Well, that's tough, because none of us know what's going on in his mind. Maybe he plans on proposing sooner than you think so he wants to live together during the engagement. Maybe he wants to get comfortable with living together before he makes that leap. Who knows? But if you're not comfortable with it right now, don't force it. I moved in with my FI one year after dating, we were living together for almost 5 years before he proposed. This isn't a cautionary tale, its just that I always wondered if I wasn't as easily accessible, would he have made that move quicker? I don't know. But I do wonder. That being said, I am still an advocate for living together before marriage. Being compatible in a living situation doesn't come easily, sometimes it doesn't come at all. Its best to know (in my opinion) before its too late. I've read articles that say the exact opposite though. So I guess, what it all boils down to is- different strokes for different folks. But you're obviously not ready right now, so process it for awhile. He should understand where you're coming from.
Hold your ground, whatever your reasons are. He shouldn't pressure you to do something you don't want to do and he should respect your wishes. That's what I've done with my FI. We've dated for 2 years, he proposed 5 weeks ago. We're getting married in 6 weeks and buying a house where we will move in together 2 wks after the wedding. He really wanted to move in together starting about a year ago, but I just stood my ground. I am 29 (he's 26) and I was in no hurry to rush into anything, so I had that to my advantage. We're having a short engagement b/c he really wanted to move in to buy a house together, but I insisted on being married first, so we compromised and are planning the wedding in a short period of time. I don't care....I'm getting what I want :o)
Two things:
1) I agree totally with saying no to moving in until you're engaged. I told my FI I wouldn't move in until we were engaged because I didn't want to play house and I didn't want to be semi-married for years on end. If he wanted to be with me every day he was going to have to make me his wife. I don't think thats unreasonable.
2) If he wanted to move in with you, how about asking you before you signed a new lease? What changed in the last month? It shouldn't be a spur of the moment decision!
So many different answers!
Okay so he cannot move in with me, I have roommates now. I am on a month to month lease so it's not a matter of deposits etc. We briefly had talked about this in the past and I had told him that I was at a time in my life where I am not eff-ing around anymore with dating and such and that if he loved me we would be married before living together if not at least engaged. He only said he saw himself living with someone before getting married but then said it wasn't a big deal.
I am 32 and have lived with 2 long term relationship guys so I don't think living together is 1000 percent different. Just my opinion.
For us it was all economics - and it sounds like you just got a new place which is both exciting and hectic at the same time, and probably a new lease that you can't break yet.
We did our "staying over" in college, and once we got teaching jobs afterwards, found out that you can't afford to live in the D.C. area on one person's salary. Our 2 BR 2 BA 1310 sq ft apartment is $1300 a month like 45 min from D.C. This is pretty cheap around here, but it is also half of my monthly pay. I really couldn't live financially without a roomate, and he and I figured it was stupid to each rent and then be over at one another's apartments all the time.
I think the only downside to this for us is that we act like an old couple already. We don't do dates or go out or have fun with young people, because we are always working 8-6 and then church jobs/opera rehearsals in the evenings. I look at all the pictures of engagement shoots from Bees (hello? Dolphin was soooo cute) and I'm thinking to myself "we so are not that kind of cute PDA couple." It makes me wonder if it is living together, or if it is work.
I think it depends on the people and circumstances. I WANTED to get engaged before living with my boyfriend (at the time) because I had read so many instances of people who lived together first and then they'd get married and get divorced. Supposedly it's easier for couples to get divorced if they live together first because they get into this mind set of "it's not permanent" when they live together and then they take that mind set into a marriage. BUT my boyfriend (at the time) was very adamant that he would NOT get engaged to anyone without living with them first. Living together is VERY different than just staying at each other's place and he wanted to make sure our dynamic would work out and that we each didn't have any habits that the other couldn't live with. Terrible excuse in my opinion, but I gave in and we lived together first. Three years later (grumble grumble grumble), he proposed and a year after that we were married. Now I'm glad we did it that way because we were soooooo happy living together and we knew nothing would change when we got married. There were no big adjustments going from single to married and everything just fell into place.
That being said, I DID refuse to buy a house with him until we were at least engaged. There was no way I was getting myself financially stuck with him if he wasn't committed to me, if that makes sense. :)
Truthfully, I don't see a problem in not 'speeding up the engagement process'. You have all the time i the world!
However, I don't get why he didn't ask you a month ago. Is it possible for him to move into your new place instead?
do what is right for you! My husband and I wanted to live together before we were engaged, but neither of us planned for that to take too long so I wasn't worried about it effecting timing of our engagement. to be honest, it helped my husband be sure he was ready. but we are all different, so if you don't want to take that step until you have a commitment then wait! you are worth it :)
@Adira - although the divorce statistics of people living together prior to marriage are higher, most studies point out that it is because they have much more relaxed morals and ethics (which is why getting divorced is more of an option for them). For example, a lot of people who don't live together are highly religious, and their religions don't approve of divorce; therefore they are less likely to be divorced! I totally agree with you about the house buying thing, I know several people who bought a house together and then broke up when they were dating (blech).
@Vikingprincess - I think the most important thing is to talk it out and make sure he knows why you are uncomfortable moving in together. It seems like the main reason is your recent, stressful move. I agree with ejs, you just signed a new lease, don't waste your money. Regardless, could he not just move in with you?
To me, the commitment had to come before living together... Moving all your life to see if you're compatible seems like a test that's unnecessary. My husband and I were inseparable even if we didn't pay only one rent, and we KNEW we were compatible without having one address only. What additional information could you really get by moving in if you spend all your time together, that you wouldn't have suspected before, that would be impossible to compromise on, if you're really serious about him?
But no matter our opinions on this, the important thing is that you look into your own reasons and don't make decisions that you would regret. I'm really glad I didn't move in before we got engaged, because I had made that promise to myself and I'm proud that I had, for once, enough self respect to go through with what I believe in.
Just don't let it break down into an argument about control or power in the relationship. I think the older we get the stronger our desire to 'be our own person' and not give in to someone else or change for them becomes. If this is all a matter of principle (which I think is totally justified from your standpoint, don't get me wrong) and you would really prefer to wait until you are engaged that is fine. However, it sounds like you are more irritated that he didn't ask you to move in a month ago before you started your lease---does this mean a month ago you would have been open to living together prior to being engaged?
Have a frank discussion with him. Figure out why the heck he let you stress about finding a new place rather than come to this realization about living together then. Men are strange sometimes-maybe seeing you stress about finding a place and having you move away from your old environment got him thinking in ways he hadn't before. Either way, just make sure you aren't just trying to be 'right' or get your way. That being said, you totally are justified in staying in your current situation for a few months. Moving is expensive and a lot of work! Good luck!
I lived with my ex and things never went anywhere - it was only after I moved out he proposed (which was NOT what I was looking for by then).
I decided to move in with my FI before he was my FI but had a minor meltdown about 2 mos before moving because I didn't want to end up in the same situation as before. I was set to move in the end of Nov but he ended up proposing at the beginning of Nov. so that helped me a lot.
I say stand your ground. If he knows how important it is to you to be engaged before moving in then he should make a move.
FI and I didn't move in together until getting engaged. I think moving in without a ring may work for some couples, but it sounds like you've had some experiences with it already and it's not what you're looking for. I think you are being completely reasonable and shouldn't move in with him if you don't 100% want to. Also, I agree with you, living together is not hugely different from staying over. It's definitely not the same, but it's not 1000% different.
I completely understand wanting a ring first, I am not into mini-marriages either. I moved in with my SO 2 months ago after 9 months of dating on the assurance that there would be a ring within a year and a wedding next summer. Everyone is very clear on timelines etc, so now I am just waiting for my (I hope very soon) proposal.
I was definitely wary about moving in together, but I really liked the idea of no boundaries. Testing what it was like to join all our finances etc before the we get married. Also, we intend to TTC right after we get married cos we are 30, so this is our chance to have just us time.
We've lived together since about...4 days after we met! It was a crazy situation, but it really worked out for us and i can't imagine anything being different.
But then again, we've been dating for three years, and I am still waiting for an "official proposal", but that's mainly because I am way to busy to get married until next year, and he totally understands that. Full-time college +AmeriCorps+ Two Jobs= No time for a wedding until after I graduate.
I think that moving in together before you get married is the best thing for a couple. Then you can really find out if you can really be with this person. I hope that you will take him up on his offer. Maybe he is waiting to make sure you guys are compatable when it comes to living with eachother before he asks you to marry him. Good luck!
I would say its hard to say, every individual is different making every couple different. I have friends who have moved in w/ their guys and they were shortly engaged afterwards & friends who live with their guys and are still waiting, years after. As for me I told my husband I didnt want to live with him until I was his wife because I didnt see the point to doing everything a wife does and not having the title of one (since i still lived with my parents and a mom that cooked EVERY day, I was not going to go and have to cook for myself if there was no reason 2). Also .. why did we still have to test our relationship and see if we were "compatible" if we had already been dating for 3 years. We argued a few times and then shortly after he proposed. I ask him now if he feels I pressured him, even though I know were happy. He says he didnt feel pressured because he knew he was going to do it someday anyways & it was more of a "but we dont have enough money to get married now" issue... but weve dealt with that fine.
Do most people live together before marriage... nowadays yes
Does it "speed up" marriage... almost never (YMMV)
This is a toughie! I moved in together before I was engaged and I honestly did not consider getting engaged until I live with him at least a year. Everything changes when you live together and I wanted to see what that would be like before committing (ahem now I'm ready!). I don't think it slowed down or sped up our engagement stuff. But if you don't feel comfortable with that, certainly don't move in with him!
everyone does not move in together before engagement or marriage! I didn't and not a single one of my friends/peers in my immediate circle did either.
It's totally a personal decision, obviously, but if you're not ready to do that without a commitment there, it's totally understandable. I don't get why he thinks that your moving in together will speed up the engagement. He could make the engagement happen now if he wanted, right?
Silly boy. Hope you both are able to work it out!
Personally, I wouldn’t get engaged without living together first, and ideally for a year or more. It’s a necessary step for me, because it is different living 24x7 with a person. But, I know lots of people feel differently, for their own reasons.
I don’t know what you can say to explain to him why you don’t want to move in first, except to explain your reasons for not wanting to move in before a proposal.
I wouldn't want to move again right after moving - at the least, he should pay for professional movers to pack up and move all your stuff, if you decide to move into his place! 
With us, moving in had no effect on the timing of the proposal, but both of us were in agreement that living together first for a period of time was a necessary step in our relationship (I phrase it like that because I was content with what we had, and we never discussed marriage before he proposed, I would have been ok with us living together for a few more years before thinking about marriage, so moving in had nothing to do with a proposal – but I’m a turtle sometimes!)
personally, i can't imagine getting engaged without living together first. that's what my parents did, my brother did, friends, etc. it's how i assumed things went. but obviously, that's not the same for everybody, and what's most important is that you and your so be on the same page.
Bottom line is, you feel strongly about not living with him right now, and he has to accept that! It's all about what you're comfortable with.
Like egb, I felt the commitment had to come before living together.
I told FI early on that I had no intentions of living with him. I have an established career and household and I was not going to give up my house and life and then be left starting over.
Honestly I still have a hard time thinking about selling my house, but we won't both fit well here, so we are looking for a house to move into together.
If people choose to live together first that is up to them but I certainly do not see it as a benefit or necessary.
You don't sound thrilled with the idea, so simply tell him no.
We waited and it was the best decision we made! I've heard a lot of people say that marriage felt no different, but waiting to live together definitely changed things up (in a great way) for us! I FELT married, which was what I wanted. I have no judgment toward people who do (Many of my friends live with significant others and love it), but for us it was the way to go...a clear division between being single when you're single and married when you're married....
FI wanted to move in before we were engaged, and I was completely opposed. FI moved in five months after we got engaged. His lease was up and he was traveling constantly for work, so it just made financial and logistical sense for him to move in at that time.
I never thought I'd live with someone before marriage, but it worked out that way.
I told my FI that I wanted to be engaged before we lived together. He ended up proposing a year earlier then expected, so now we're going to get married before moving in together. I wanted to be engaged first since we've been together 7 years, and I knew we were planning on getting married, so why make it really easy to just put off marriage for a bunch longer?
I definately think moving in would just delay an engagement. He might get complacent and comfortable.
Think he should of also thought about it before you moved. Seems like a fly by night thought. Tell him you dont want to rush into a decision, and may at least want to wait until your lease is up before seriously discussing it.
I was completely against moving in with my DH before we were engaged, I was just brought up that way and didnt think it was right. HOwever we ended up not moving in together until just a week before the wedding. We wouldve soon after getting engaged by my dad was totally against it. Since my parents were paying for the wedding and had been helping out financially for the past 5 or so years with paying part of my rent, insurance, etc, I had to give in to what my dad wanted and wait until we were married.
I've heard similar things as ErinMarieMack, my friends that lived together before marriage said they didn't feel a difference after they were married.
I don't live with my fiance, and it has its advantages and disadvantages. For example, it's actually much cheaper for us to live apart, in our particular situation. It also would have broken my father's heart if we had moved in together before marriage.
I think it's just up to you and what you're comfortable with. If you're initial reaction is to not move in then don't, you shouldn't have to alter how your values or feelings.
My fiance probably would have preferred to live together but I explained my feelings and he respected that.
I wouldn't have moved in even if he had asked a month ago. I told him if he sees living together as that serious then what is the issue with getting married and merging all the way? He knows he wants to marry me anyways, he says he is being careful whatever that means and I replied I was being careful too hehe!
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