(Closed) Living together vs Not living together

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

are you thinking if you move in together it will put off an engagement? is that why your against it?

I know I thought the same thing when I moved in with my FH but he proposed 1 week later!

Post # 4
18645 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would wait until you are engaged.  It is true that for some couples it does slow down the engagement process because you already feel like you are committed so it doesn’t seem like you need to take the next step.

Post # 6
271 posts
Helper bee

Stick to your guns.  I felt the same way you did.  I didn’t want to move in together unless we were engaged.  The opportunity to move in together presented itself and I went against my gut because it seemed like the more sensible thing to do.  Now I regret it.  I wish I would have stuck to my guns. 

Post # 7
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Maybe it will speed up to marriage because he plans on proposing to you =].

I would have totally moved in with my now-husband if he hadn’t been stationed 5 states away. I knew we were going to get engaged. Plus, most people I know actually move in, then have gotten engaged rather quickly.

And living together is way different than “just staying over”. It’s 1000% different.

If you are adamant about not moving in together before an engagement ring, stick with it. But make sure you aren’t just saying that in order to get a ring on your finger faster. It’s the classic “i won’t do X unless you Z” argument and I just don’t like the feel of that. I was thrilled the summer Darling Husband asked me to move in with him (a few years ago, before he got deployed), i didn’t even stop to think about a ring. I figured it’d come naturally or we’d talk about it.

But since you literally JUST moved in, tell him, “you know, I probably would have if you’d asked me before I just signed this new lease” etc etc….so I’d ilve there until your lease runs out. No sense wasting money or losing a deposit!!!

Post # 8
226 posts
Helper bee

I think if Brad and I didn’t move in together we would be engaged by now. Because I think he feels less urgency about asking me to marry  him since we already live together. However, I’m sure thats not the issue with every couple. Good luck

Post # 9
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He asks you to move in just after you move into a new place? Um, heck no. I wouldn’t do it. If he’s so set on living together, ask him to move in with you and see how eager he is. 😛

Post # 10
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree with ejs4y8- Wait at least until your current lease runs out.  I wouldn’t think about it in terms of what will speed up/slow down the engagement.  It’s different for every couple.  Some people don’t want to get engaged until they have experienced living together.  Some people won’t live together until they are engaged.  I think you should have a conversation with him (not now, wait until some time has gone by so you can both talk about it calmly) about what each of your expectations are regarding living together and why.

My Fiance and I did not live together, but I had to decide whether to renew my lease for the next year when I was only 3 months into that current lease, so essentially I ended up locked into a 21 month lease very early in our relationship. We were only dating for about 6 months at that point, and from then on it wasn’t really an option.  But we didn’t want to live together before the wedding anyway, so it worked out fine.

Post # 11
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Well, that’s tough, because none of us know what’s going on in his mind.  Maybe he plans on proposing sooner than you think so he wants to live together during the engagement.  Maybe he wants to get comfortable with living together before he makes that leap.  Who knows?  But if you’re not comfortable with it right now, don’t force it.  I moved in with my Fiance one year after dating, we were living together for almost 5 years before he proposed.  This isn’t a cautionary tale, its just that I always wondered if I wasn’t as easily accessible, would he have made that move quicker?  I don’t know.  But I do wonder.  That being said, I am still an advocate for living together before marriage.  Being compatible in a living situation doesn’t come easily, sometimes it doesn’t come at all.  Its best to know (in my opinion) before its too late.  I’ve read articles that say the exact opposite though.  So I guess, what it all boils down to is- different strokes for different folks.  But you’re obviously not ready right now, so process it for awhile.  He should understand where you’re coming from.

Post # 12
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hold your ground, whatever your reasons are.  He shouldn’t pressure you to do something you don’t want to do and he should respect your wishes.  That’s what I’ve done with my Fiance.  We’ve dated for 2 years, he proposed 5 weeks ago.  We’re getting married in 6 weeks and buying a house where we will move in together 2 wks after the wedding. He really wanted to move in together starting about a year ago, but I just stood my ground.  I am 29 (he’s 26) and I was in no hurry to rush into anything, so I had that to my advantage.  We’re having a short engagement b/c he really wanted to move in to buy a house together, but I insisted on being married first, so we compromised and are planning the wedding in a short period of time.  I don’t care….I’m getting what I want :o)

Post # 13
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Two things: 

1) I agree totally with saying no to moving in until you’re engaged. I told my Fiance I wouldn’t move in until we were engaged because I didn’t want to play house and I didn’t want to be semi-married for years on end. If he wanted to be with me every day he was going to have to make me his wife. I don’t think thats unreasonable. 

2) If he wanted to move in with you, how about asking you before you signed a new lease? What changed in the last month? It shouldn’t be a spur of the moment decision!

Post # 15
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

For us it was all economics – and it sounds like you just got a new place which is both exciting and hectic at the same time, and probably a new lease that you can’t break yet.

We did our “staying over” in college, and once we got teaching jobs afterwards, found out that you can’t afford to live in the D.C. area on one person’s salary.  Our 2 BR 2 BA 1310 sq ft apartment is $1300 a month like 45 min from D.C.  This is pretty cheap around here, but it is also half of my monthly pay.  I really couldn’t live financially without a roomate, and he and I figured it was stupid to each rent and then be over at one another’s apartments all the time.

I think the only downside to this for us is that we act like an old couple already.  We don’t do dates or go out or have fun with young people, because we are always working 8-6 and then church jobs/opera rehearsals in the evenings.  I look at all the pictures of engagement shoots from Bees (hello?  Dolphin was soooo cute) and I’m thinking to myself “we so are not that kind of cute PDA couple.”  It makes me wonder if it is living together, or if it is work.

Post # 16
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think it depends on the people and circumstances.  I WANTED to get engaged before living with my boyfriend (at the time) because I had read so many instances of people who lived together first and then they’d get married and get divorced.  Supposedly it’s easier for couples to get divorced if they live together first because they get into this mind set of “it’s not permanent” when they live together and then they take that mind set into a marriage.  BUT my boyfriend (at the time) was very adamant that he would NOT get engaged to anyone without living with them first.  Living together is VERY different than just staying at each other’s place and he wanted to make sure our dynamic would work out and that we each didn’t have any habits that the other couldn’t live with.  Terrible excuse in my opinion, but I gave in and we lived together first.  Three years later (grumble grumble grumble), he proposed and a year after that we were married.  Now I’m glad we did it that way because we were soooooo happy living together and we knew nothing would change when we got married.  There were no big adjustments going from single to married and everything just fell into place.

That being said, I DID refuse to buy a house with him until we were at least engaged.  There was no way I was getting myself financially stuck with him if he wasn’t committed to me, if that makes sense.  🙂

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