Post # 1
Both my FI and I were both raised Catholic and I have always dreamed of getting married in a church with a full mass. I went to meet the priest of the church I’ll be joining when I move to Cleveland and he seemed nice enough. Since we are planning on getting married there I wanted to get his take on somethings before making our final decision. Well, in the meeting he expressed his dislike for living together before marriage. After his rant about it, he asked if we would be living together. I paniced and said no and told a lie about where my FI will be living. I now feel AWFUL. Who lies to a priest! So I called today and left a voicemail saying I would like him to call me back. I’m highly considering coming clean. What do you think?
Post # 3
I think it’s best to be honest. I understand some churches can frown upon living together before the marriage but I really think it’s important. You can even explain that you are concerned this may be an issue. While it’s nice to think we all could live in different homes from our FI’s sometimes finances just don’t agree.
Post # 4
I personally don’t feel that this priest has any right to ask that question. You should not feel ashamed or guilty in any way whats so ever, you are doing what is right for you and your finacee … If you do decide to tell him that ya’ll are going to live together and he has a problem with that then he’s not the priest for you, In my opinion. Good Luck!
Post # 5
There are a lot of other posts that have dealt with this topic. Some people have just let the lie stay, and others have come clean or been straightforward about their situation from the outset. Many have been subjected to priestly rants, but very few have been denied the right to marry unless they move out. Check out the related posts at the bottom of your entry for more insights from the hive.
I would stick with your gut on coming clean. Premarital cohabitation is a really sensitive and loaded issue for many priests, and having to deal with it with probably nearly every couple they encounter puts them prematurely on edge (hence the rant you were subjected to). It’s not your fault he wasn’t sensitive to your situation first, even though that would be the better tactic.
Post # 6
It’s not a lie. It’s none of his business. Judging you for living with your FI is hypocritcal in the least. However, I am not a priest nor catholic. I’m a realist and my catholic FI and I are living together prior to marriage so that we can afford to have a wedding and purchase a home.
Post # 7
at our pre cana, out of 22 couples, there was only one couple not living together. it is very common, and the church is either fine with it as ours is, or they give you a lecture. i’ve never heard of a church refusing to marry you for that reason. you can always come clean on the living situation and explain that finances are tough and you need to live together for that reason…unless that would be another lie 😉
Post # 8
I can totally understand that panicky feeling and telling a lie. Happens to me. But I think you are trying to follow your faith by feeling like you need to set the record straight. I agree that you should do that. And I would think the priest would recognize that as a good faith effort to do what is right. I’ve seldom heard that a cohabitating couple is denied marriage. (After all you’re trying to do the right thing, right?)
For those who think it is "none of the priest’s business", that is incorrect. The Catholic church is in business to save souls. So making someone feel a bit uncomfortable or stepping on their toes, is small beans when a priest are trying to save that person’s soul. So when someone is engaging in a sinful way, a priest will and should let them know it. Finances or not, a couple living together is sinful, mainly because (let’s face it) they are likely having sex before marriage. It might not be the best approach to yell at or bully or what have you, but it’s perefectly acceptable for a priest to tell someone where they are going wrong.
Post # 9
If you feel the need to come clean, then you’re going to have to.
And I don’t believe a priest is really one to judge you like so many of the people have posted above, so in my opinion, God judges you and the priest is just there to carry out his work. He is a mere mortal, isn’t he? He cannot save you, he simply points you in the right direction. He’s a person, and I don’t like people butting into my life, regardless of whether or not they are a religious figure. If I wanted his opinion, I’d ask it, right? Being judgemental is not really part of the job in my book, and living together isn’t sinful, either, so hopefully this is one of those churches that understands that a majority of people live together before marriage and they won’t refuse to marry you. You’re getting married, it’s not like he’s some random hobo, you know. It’s smart, and I think most people will agree with that. That being said, I’m non denominational, so it really depends on how true to your Catholic faith you want to be. I highly doubt you’re suddenly going to move out though
Just tell your priest you were caught off guard by the question and blurted out that you were living separately because you were afraid it would negatively reflect your pre-marriage stuff, but that you feel really bad and didn’t want to start your marriage off on the wrong foot. Chances are he’ll just applaud you for your honesty and he has dealt with this issue with lots of other couples.
Post # 10
I bit the bullet and am not living with FI until after the wedding. Yes, it has been difficult, but both of us definitely feel that it will be well worth it…and we are starting our marriage based on a great foundation. We haven’t had to lie to anyone such as parents, relatives…or our priest.
I just think that lying to the priest is a bad way to start this whole process. Although it would be difficult, I think you should come clean, as you will feel better.
As a side note, not all priests are like that. The priest doing our wedding didn’t even ask us about this!
Post # 11
I’m actually catholic and getting married in Cleveland this summer! And…I live with FI. Here’s the thing – though the church was not intially thrilled to marry us, they did not refuse to and it felt better being honest (if you dont lie, you don thave to worry about being caught). In fact, when we took our FOCUS test, there were numerous questions regarding living together. You are def. not the first one. However, I know 10 other couples being married at my church and they are ALL lying about living together.
Post # 12
Awwww, this is kind of a sucky situation to be in. I really understand the panic and subsequent lying in a situation like this, but I think you won’t be comfortable unless you come clean. You already said you called and left a message with the priest that you’d like to talk, so you might as well follow through. I don’t think it’s a good idea to lie to a priest, but especially right before you take a sacrament. It just seems like you would feel better about telling the truth, and the priest will probably appreciate you clearing up the original fib rather than just going along with it.
For the record, my Fi and I are Catholic, getting married in the Catholic church, and have been living together for 3 years. Like kerribr6 said, there’s actually a whole section of the FOCCUS test specifically written for couples who live together before marriage. Most churches recognize that so many couples live together before marriage and won’t make a big deal out of it. Some churches are a little stricter, but I’ve only heard of one church in the entire country that rejected a couple from getting married there because they lived together. I only heard about it on a wedding website, and the couple just went to a different parish in the same diocese who didn’t care that they were living together. Now they’re married anyway! 🙂
I hope you feel better after talking with your priest. Let us know what happens!
Post # 13
Thanks girls! I called him and he hasn’t called me back which is common practice for him. I’m thinking of changing churches. I’m just moving to Cleveland and looking for a parish to join and I kinda feel like its not the right fit! I don’t think I should feel so awkward around the man who is supposed to walk us through this decision. Thanks for all your feed back! If anyone knows a pretty, welcoming church around the west side or parma area please let me know!
Post # 14
I’m glad you found a way to resolve this! If you’re looking for a good parish, maybe you could try posting on the Cleveland board as well? There’s bound to be someone on WB who goes to a Catholic church in Cleveland!
Post # 15
Good for you! You should never feel forced to stay somewhere that you don’t quite feel like you belong. Hopefully you find a wonderful place that you love that doesn’t make you feel weird.
You’re not alone–my pastor guy (not sure if he’s a priest or what exactly…it’s a non denom thing…) sent me our paperwork today and all it asked was if we’d been married before, were we living together, had kids, and what our PARENTS thought of our relationship. I immediately called the FI and was like, "how come it doesn’t ask us how WE feel about it?! WE’RE getting married not them!!!!" Humph. My FI thought it was a little misguided, so we’ll see how our "counseling" thingy goes next month. Meh
Post # 16
When it comes to finances, you need to think of it this way: How would the two of you be living if you weren’t dating? What arrangements would you make if you broke up?
Sometimes the truth is hard to take because of our pride. We like to think of ourselves as pretty righteous people. Sometimes the priests get frustrated but when you keep an open and receptive ear and ask them "well what can I do? How should I be living?" When you show an open receptivity to allow them to spiritually guide you, they warm up and become more patient with you. Often time their frustration is that they are trying to spiritually guide someone when person after person who does not truly want spiritual guidence. They trust too far in their own "spiritual wisdom" rationalizing sin and imprudent decisions.
If you disagree with him, than ask him for specifics. Explain what your thinking is on it, ask him to expound on the Church’s teaching. Beyond avoiding near occassions of sins against the virtue of chastity, you should also be striving to make a clear line between your courtship (which your engagement is still a part of) and your married life. You do not want to reduce the reception of the sacrament into a mere party. You want to rather look at marriage as entering a new life, starting out your relationship first with the commitment of death do you part and then after you have fully given yourself in love to one another, then you start your life together, not before. Marriage should not be a continuation of the courtship. It should be something fresh and new.
The key is to realize that living separately before your married is something you want to do. Its desirable. We often don’t desire it, because we do not fully seeing the full extent of our actions. My advice is to keep an open mind and heart to the guidence the priest is offering.