- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
It really depends on the guy what he will and won't do. I have gotten used to the fact that my husband doesn't like to have his clothes washed as often as I do. But I did convince him to put them all in one corner if he doesn't want them washed instead of leaving them all over the house like he used to. I think it's sort of a learning experience of trying to get them to do things but not complaining about it so much that they don't want to do anything!
Pick your battles. I've lived with FI for over four years now. There's still a few things I've been asking him to do for FOUR YEARS. Some of the things, I just let them go and do them myself. But some of the things, I really get on top of him about.
Post-it notes seem to work really well with men. When we're having a particularly crazy week, I will leave a note on nearly every surface ;oP
I think that, without NAGGING, you should probably let him know that things like "take clothes out of the dryer" means fold the clothes, not throw them on the floor. And you should probably decide on who is responsible for what, chore-wise. Like, if you cook, he does dishes. If you do the laundry one time, he does it the next time. You shouldn't get stuck feeling like you're doing all the housework all the time, and you definitely shouldn't feel like his mommy. It seems like he's just not really that aware of his behavior - stuff like leaving lights on, etc. Maybe that's worth mentioning to him, but it's one of those things that I would let go. Things like dumping the clean clothes on the floor are just not OK, though. Whatever you end up saying, make sure you do it in a way that doesn't seem like you're nagging because he won't respond well to that. Try not to be condescending, too, if you bring up something like leaving lights on - he should know better than that, yes, but you don't want to come off really harsh.
We definitely had an adjustment when we moved in together (we waited until after we were married). I moved in with him, so I was hesitant to put things in "his" space...which was pretty much the ENTIRE condo. I had to learn to get over that very quickly and call it "our" place. There are still things that annoy the crap out of me! He won't change the towels unless I do it! If it were up to him, he'd use the same bath towel for 2 weeks!
The thing to keep in mind is that there are probably plenty of things that annoy him about living with you. So definitely try to consider that. Do you leave the toothpaste cap off? Do you pile your shoes up in a corner in the closet? Something like that...so it's definitely and adjustment, and you have to pick and choose your battles. Asking him for a little more help with the housework wouldn't be out of line here...especially since you said that the handy work around the house is pretty much done. He can chip in every once in a while!
Hope that helps! You'll start to find that some of the annoyances that you first get upset about aren't so bad as time goes on!
EDIT: One last thing! One of the best piece of marriage advice someone gave me was never to keep score. Do things for each other b/c you love one another. Asking him to do things nicely will help: "Sweetheart, can you come and help me fold the clothes so that it gets done faster?"
I try to gently remind my FI of things that really bother me. We've been living together for about 8 months and he is usually pretty receptive. Some things I just suck it up and deal with, for example he doesn't feel the need to wash his towels or sheets as often as I do, so I just do it for him.
I agree with hotchild, you should just pick your battles. Things that really really bother you, just try to bring them up gently! I usually start with "I don't mean to be a huge pain but...". lol
Good Advice. Definatly do notice that the "nagging" doesn't get too far with FI. I try and tone that down; but I just couldn't believe he threw the laundry on the floor. He said "you didnt' tell me what to do with it." lol Just made me think.... "Really....Really..." We do have some stuff worked out like the Dinner/Dishes thing that Kity Mentioned. Thanks for the Advice!! I do need to try and pick my battles!
I think it's a fine line you have to walk in regards to making a big deal about something and letting other things go. I think after a while living with him you should narrow down specific things that are most important to you that he do around the house. And then you have to tell him that you really need him to X and X because it's important to you and you really need the help.
And be as specific as possible. Things that seems common sense to us simply aren't for them (as you can see already). Another thing I would mention is not to nitpick or complain about the stuff that he actually DOES do, because it will make him not want to do it. I have found that really hard to do because I'm pretty specific in how I like things done around the house so sometimes it's hard to keep my mouth shut and not criticize how he does something. Give him words of encouragement and appreciation when he does something right (like folding the clothes out of the dryer rather than throwing them on the floor). God this is starting to sound like training a dog or something.... :P
Kitty gave some good advice! Make some rules - whoever cooks doesn't do dishes. By far the most fabulous rule in our house!
i would just talk to him about it. maybe if he knew how you felt, he'd try to do more around the house. we're kind of the opposite, he's much neater than i am. he puts up with me, but i also make an effort to clean up after myself because i know it bothers him.
More Great Advice; Thank You! I have do try and not criticise the things he DOES do. Because I've been told that tooo. If he does something; even if it's not the way I would do it @ least he's trying. So I am trying that. Thanks Again Ladies!
Edit: Thought I would also share that I asked the 2 gentlemen I work with about this today. I said "What would you do if your wife asked you to....."
They responded with "Well; you didn't say to fold them." lol I guess All their minds think alike! lol
I also leave post it notes on his mirror. I leave them at night, so that he will see them in the morning. I always sign them with a heart. He likes that and the post it note request always gets done because he doesn't feel as pressured if I ask him to do it. Also, ask your guy if he would mind a "to do" list. Mine loves "to do" lists. He can look at it and cross things off as he does it. Also, like a previous poster stated, guys need to know the specifics. If you are asking him to take the clothes out of the dryer or clean the kitchen, you need to list the things that need to get done. Like after you take the clothes out of the dryer, please fold them and put them away. And when you clean the kitchen, please do the dishes and wipe the counters and stove.
Something else, try asking him how one of his guy friends would ask him. That sometimes works too.
I second Hotchild. Pick your battles. Although for us, it was an improvement for both of us to live together as he is the neater one and I am better at running a household. We have totally made each other better at those things. And he stayed over so often before moving in, there weren't any surprises when he finally wasn't paying his separate rent anymore.
The only thing we had to establish was who does what chores and when. Before he moved in, I was still doing all the cleaning and grocery shopping and that obviously ended right away. We split up the chores based on preferences and it works really well.
For me, it was just figuring out what the other was okay with doing. We seemed to have fallen into stereotypical male/female housework roles without much discussion about it. I do almost all of the housework, and he does the garbage, the cars, the garage, and most of the yardwork. It works--yes, on a daily basis I'm more likely to be doing stuff, but he's got the all-day projects. Regarding the lights, we switched EVERYTHING out to LED's or energy efficient bulbs--he did all of the math, and if we left every single light on all the time, it would increase our monthly bill by less than $5, so not worth fighting about. I've found that common sense is not the same for us all--what's intuitive to us is not for them. It's like him telling me it's common sense on how to perform maintenance on my car! Specifics are good on both ends!
When it comes to chores, then you need to be specific with what you want done with them. I know it sounds juvenile, but some guys never had to take care of this kind of stuff. I make hubs do his own laundry even tho he hates to. I do most of the cooking therefore he does most of the dishes. He leaves his clothes everywhere, but my solution - laundry baskets/hampers in the living room, bathroom and bedroom. That way, he has a place to keep them contained. If he doesn't do his laundry for 3 weeks and has massive piles (like he does right now) I don't want to hear it cuz I have more clothes than him and I need to hang dry most of mine so mine are more work. But if I only have a half load to do, I put his in til its a full load and then fold them for him once I'm done. he does the trash, and we both straighten things up. However, we both hate to really clean, so we reserve that for a day that we both have a few free hours and tackle it together - that way it takes less time and your still spending time together. I have found myself doing more just cuz he works harder and more hours then me, so I dont' complain as much when I have to do the dishes more.
Its give and take, and since he's probably never lived with a girl before either, you need to set rules so that when he breaks them you really have a reason to be mad 
One of the biggest lessons that I've learned (that I don't think anyone has posted about yet), is setting SPECIFIC timelines. For example, if I'm making dinner and it's his job to do the dishes, I will ask him, "hey, are you gonna do the dishes?" and he'll say "yes", fully knowing he'll get to them in a day... two days... whenever. So being able to say "can you do them before we go to bed?" or "when will they be done? Can I help dry while you wash?" usually helps us set realistic expectations. Just having those clear expectations has eliminated nearly all of our house-hold chores fights.
I have this issues too. Men just seem to think differnetly.
I have always lived with guy friends. Its so fun and laidback. I like living with them much better then other girls. Its funny, though, because my best guy friend and I had a nice apartment, cleaned together Sundays, and would take turns washing the dishes every night. As soon as I moved away, he and my other guy friend moved in together and their place was disgusting. They NEVER cleaned. It makes me wonder: what did I do to make it an unsaid rule to have things nice? I was so laidback that I don't think I ever told said guy friend to do any of this stuff. It must have been because we would make an Itunes playlist, get excited, then start cleaning together. Not much advice, but just stay laidback and clean to music hahaa. Oh, guys, how I love them. It sucks that you're going to probably always have to initiate mini-cleaning sprees, but if you make it a ritual at the end of every other day to throw on some hot tracks, clean like maniacs, and then go to bed...winkwink..., then I think it will be easier to have your guy used to the idea of a clean house, and liking it. 'specially with some positive reinforcement.
Wow. Long response. Almost no advice. How did I do that? Hahaha
I'm very lucky in the fact that my FI has lived on his own for 20 years, so he does a lot of housework. Most of the stuff that he does that bugs me- like not shutting cupboard doors, doing laundry, folding laundry but not putting it away, leaving stuff on the bathroom counter, is all little stuff. So I just put the laundry away or close the doors behind him. I figure its not really worth the hassle to bug him. However, if he didn't help out so much around the house, I'd probably say something. So I guess I'd say figure out what is truly important and what you can let go and go from there.
@to those of you that said assign chores.... how do you respond if he doesn't do them?
We've been living together for a year and half now and it seems to go very smoothly. He's the neat one so I have to try to remember to clean my stuff away or at least hide it well. My cupboards and closet are messy but out of sight. And my shoes are stowed under the bed haphazardly but only the cat sees that.
The cooker doesn't do the dishes applies in our house as well. And we do laundry at the laundromat so we each fold our own clothes and put them away as soon as we get home.
The big problem is the fact that he's unemployed but going to school full-time while I'm in school part-time and work two jobs. So he's home much more than I am and that corresponds to him doing a lot more housework. He fills and empties the dishwasher because he makes most of the dirty dishes. (I only eat at home on the weekends.) He takes out the trash because he generates it. I'm sure he resents it but if it's done when I'm not home, I can't really help that.
Also, we generally only clean when we get disgusted or people are coming over. It's always tidy but the cat hair would be a daily battle if we took up the fight.
Mr. Octo and I have been living together for 4 months now, and it's definitely a tough thing to work through in the beginning. Just remember that he's not doing on purpose, and that it's new to both of you! You may need to flex on some things and he may need to change on some things. It's a learning experience! And when, that's right WHEN, you guys finally work things out, I can say that there's nothing like coming home to love of your life. :)
Hang in there! It'll work out with some patience.
LOL. My husband throws clean clothes on the floor too when they are fresh out of the drier. It pisses me off so much. I made sure to tell him that my clothes never get thrown on the dirty floor unless they are in fact dirty.
You need to have a chat about what bothers you, what bothers him, etc. Everyone has their pet peeves. We have been living together for 6 months and things work really well. We just kind of have a set agreement on everything.
The person that cooks, does not clean dishes/kitchen that night. If we cook together, we clean the kitchen together.
We have a dry erase board on the fridge that we make a checklist of all the major household chores. We agree that one person will do all the bathrooms and kitchen. And the other does all the floors, dusting, uncluttering. It seems to work. Usually if one of us sees the other working it motivates us to begin also. Once a chore is done we put our initals by the checklist on the fridge. It can kind of wake the other up if they arn't pulling their weight to see that one person did it all.
We each do our own laundry. In order to reduce clothing clutter, I have taught my fiance my laundry system. He made fun of me at first but now he loves it. I have three laundry baskets at the bottom of my closet. 1 white/lights, 1 darks, 1 reds. He has 1 lights, 1 darks, 1 dryclean. It works to keep the mess in the baskets and once a basket is filled you know you have a full load ready to go.
Find what works for you and your fiance. Approach him in a way that makes him feel like he has a say as well. You don't want him to feel like he is getting yelled at by his mom to clean his room.
Thanks again for all these great Ideas. I think I'll try just asking him what he wants to be incharge of. I did once & he said that he would clean the bathrooms; but I needed to tell him when to do it because he can tolerate it longer than me. lol So we'll see how things go. But thanks again Ladies! Youre all great!!
I've been living with my fiance for 7 months and there was definitely a bit of an adjustment period. He is pretty neat but I am a Danny Tanner-esque neat freak! I knew from the outset that my expectations were unrealistic, so I made a point of having a conversation about household duties and expectations in the first week or so. We talked about chores we like to do and hate to do, and figured out that my fiance likes to vaccuum (I hate it) and hates to clean bathrooms (I love it).
We have a few other rules/routines that help minimize conflict about household chores. For instance, the person who cooks is not obligated to clean the kitchen (although we usually do it together). We spray the shower and wipe off the bathroom counters every day to minimize the need for "deep cleans." We usually do the dusting/vaccuuming/bathroom cleaning/mopping together on Saturday/Sunday mornings while we listen to NPR. And more than anything, I've learned to just ask if I want or need help with something. If I ask nicely, my fiance never minds helping. Yes, it's a little annoying to have to ask, but I don't expect him to be a psychic and I know I'm a crazy conscientiousness neat freak!
Long, but I hope that helps!
The Mr and I have been practically living together since we got back together, first he moved in with me and he did alot of the house work cause he knew i didnt like to leave the house when its a mess, and he had no problem helping out, I think because he felt he was in my space.
We recently bought a house and have been in it since Halloween. I lost my job the same week so it seems fair that if he works, I clean, right? I dont mind maintaining, but having to follow him around like a child drives me nuts.
He has been married before and he had to do everything, she was just a lazy bum so at least now he appreciated that someone works with him. He does alot for me however, never the things I ask him to do
We have Christmas lights still in the box that we bought to hang outdoors....maybe next year.
He finally asked for a todo list to hang on the fridge, thankfully he is working on that. Top of that list, wedding guest list including addresses by Christmas day!
He cooks, i clean, we both do laundry except his still dumps all the clean clothes on the sofa so when i get up or get home thats what i look at, kinda makes me wanna punch him!
One things he hates about me is that when i flush the toilet, sometimes i forget to put the lid down (?) sorry!! Im working on it
Its gonna take some getting used to, its been about 10 months now.
Good luck and GREAT POST!
Ha! Yeah; it definatly is an adjustment!! That's funny that he wants you to put the toilet lid down?? lol Wow
Ive lived with my boyfriend for about a year now, and there is definetly an adjustment period. However, we dated for about a year before that and spent every weekend together (because of distance), so most things didn't really shock me. Although I have to say that when he moved in with FIVE loads of dirty laundry I was a little surprised/ furious/grossed out.
I agree with everyone above that talking about things as they come up is the way to go. Every relationship is different so you guys will work things out as they happen. I know for us that I get home from work before him so I usually make dinner during the week, and he cleans up. I also do the laundry (only because I had one too many 'dry clean only' sweaters go through the wash), but he carries the baskets up and down to the basement for me.
Just talk and have fun with it :)
the exact same thing happened to me (and often still does) when i moved in with my BF. the worst was when i went away for a long weekend and the same dishes that were in the sink when i left were there when i came back, and he has no excuse for not doing them. you just need to be open with him about how you feel and then agree on a plan for dividing chores.
1) he needs to learn to clean up after himself - you are not his maid!
2) you should set up a cleaning schedule so say, every 2 weeks on Sat afternoon you both clean the house, or you take turns doing various chores (which may even be better so you can hold him accountable for a specific task and if it doesn't get done you can say "hey - it was your turn to clean the bathroom this week and you didn't - when do you plan to work it into your schedule?") or you can trade off if someone is going to be out of town or has plans, you get the picture.
3) be very specific about all the steps involved when asking him to do certain chores. i find that guys are often clueless when you say things like "take the clothes out of the dryer before you go to bed". the more you can (in a very nice, loving way) say "would you mind taking the clothes out of the dryer and folding them all and/or put them away before you go to bed" the more he'll get into the habit of doing it.
and i threaten my BF with him paying for the entire electric bill when he leaves lights on. that's one of my major pet peeves! he does it less often but i occaisonally come home to a living room light that has been left on ALL DAY, or i'll come him and he'll be in the living room watching TV, and the hall, office and bedroom lights are all on! ugh!
good luck and try not to let it stress you out too much. just be honest, and agree on a way to move forward!
Hahaha...Apparently I am the only one with the opposite problem! I'm not a dirty person by any means, but I definitely am not a clean freak. You'll find books piled up on my nightstand, a coat on a chair (instead of on a hanger by the closet!) and I'll wait until EVERYTHING is dirty before I'll do laundry.
BF on the other hand is a neat freak. He's the one doing laundry every week whether or not our hamper is full. He's the one following after me and putting away coats, or emptying the drying rack (again...I wait until it's full--not until each item is dry!)
I definitely feel a little pressure when he does these things, and he knows that he has a habit of nagging so we're both working on this. Because he does so many of the day to day clean ups I try and tackle the once a week big things (cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen floors) that way I feel like I'm contributing weekly.
Yeah. I have to keep on FI too. H does the same thing. lol. Whatever you do...don't nag. My FI compares me to his Mom when I do it on accident and it pisses me off. ugh! It takes a lot of getting used to, but once you do, it's not so bad.
When my FI and I first moved in together, we had similar issues as above. For us, when something is bugging us about what the other person does, we agree to wait to talk about it later...not at the moment when we're totally irritated. About once a week or month (whenever one of us feels it's needed), we do a "check-in" and see how things are going in our relationship. It works really well for both of us to express things we think are gonig well and things we think we could improve on or adjust. This has lead to many successes with our communication! We are able to talk to each other when we're not upset in a non-threatening way and almost always, the irritating behavior improves!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Rivendeler | 14 |
| Suikerbossie | 9 |
| Future Mrs K | 8 |
| janetsnakehole | 6 |
| ellisrobertson | 6 |
| MrsOliveBird | 5 |
| ladyartichoke | 5 |
| NehaPrasad92 | 5 |
| ndreighton | 5 |
| deniselobo | 5 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| aprose | 1 |
| NehaPrasad92 | 1 |
| shychigirl | 1 |
Okay; so FI and I got engaged in August. We just bought our first home & have been living there full time now for about 3-4 weeks. Lets just say I'm learning A LOT about him. I'm wondering how many of you have had these same experiences. It just seems like I have to follow him around like a child. So far I've basically been doing all the "housework" because there have been maintanance things that need done & he's been working on them. But now most of the maintanaince is done & I'm starting to notice all these everyday things that are driving me crazy. Every Light Gets Left on. Every blanket/clothing used gets left on the floor. I asked him if he could take the clothes out of the dryer last night before bed (because I was already in bed before they dried) & he took them out alright. He took the pile from the dryer and just threw it on the floor in the bedroom. I know I can probably look over a lot of these things and just wait until he picks them up; but It just seems like it is common sense to pick up after yourself.
Okay; Anyway. Need Advice from you Bees on how to look over some of these things & adjust to Living with a Male/ or living with anyone period!! What else should I expect & what's worth asking him to do and whats not?????