Post # 1
Okay; so FI and I got engaged in August. We just bought our first home & have been living there full time now for about 3-4 weeks. Lets just say I’m learning A LOT about him. I’m wondering how many of you have had these same experiences. It just seems like I have to follow him around like a child. So far I’ve basically been doing all the “housework” because there have been maintanance things that need done & he’s been working on them. But now most of the maintanaince is done & I’m starting to notice all these everyday things that are driving me crazy. Every Light Gets Left on. Every blanket/clothing used gets left on the floor. I asked him if he could take the clothes out of the dryer last night before bed (because I was already in bed before they dried) & he took them out alright. He took the pile from the dryer and just threw it on the floor in the bedroom. I know I can probably look over a lot of these things and just wait until he picks them up; but It just seems like it is common sense to pick up after yourself.
Okay; Anyway. Need Advice from you Bees on how to look over some of these things & adjust to Living with a Male/ or living with anyone period!! What else should I expect & what’s worth asking him to do and whats not?????
Post # 3
It really depends on the guy what he will and won’t do. I have gotten used to the fact that my husband doesn’t like to have his clothes washed as often as I do. But I did convince him to put them all in one corner if he doesn’t want them washed instead of leaving them all over the house like he used to. I think it’s sort of a learning experience of trying to get them to do things but not complaining about it so much that they don’t want to do anything!
Post # 4
Pick your battles. I’ve lived with FI for over four years now. There’s still a few things I’ve been asking him to do for FOUR YEARS. Some of the things, I just let them go and do them myself. But some of the things, I really get on top of him about.
Post-it notes seem to work really well with men. When we’re having a particularly crazy week, I will leave a note on nearly every surface ;oP
Post # 5
I think that, without NAGGING, you should probably let him know that things like “take clothes out of the dryer” means fold the clothes, not throw them on the floor. And you should probably decide on who is responsible for what, chore-wise. Like, if you cook, he does dishes. If you do the laundry one time, he does it the next time. You shouldn’t get stuck feeling like you’re doing all the housework all the time, and you definitely shouldn’t feel like his mommy. It seems like he’s just not really that aware of his behavior – stuff like leaving lights on, etc. Maybe that’s worth mentioning to him, but it’s one of those things that I would let go. Things like dumping the clean clothes on the floor are just not OK, though. Whatever you end up saying, make sure you do it in a way that doesn’t seem like you’re nagging because he won’t respond well to that. Try not to be condescending, too, if you bring up something like leaving lights on – he should know better than that, yes, but you don’t want to come off really harsh.
Post # 6
We definitely had an adjustment when we moved in together (we waited until after we were married). I moved in with him, so I was hesitant to put things in “his” space…which was pretty much the ENTIRE condo. I had to learn to get over that very quickly and call it “our” place. There are still things that annoy the crap out of me! He won’t change the towels unless I do it! If it were up to him, he’d use the same bath towel for 2 weeks!
The thing to keep in mind is that there are probably plenty of things that annoy him about living with you. So definitely try to consider that. Do you leave the toothpaste cap off? Do you pile your shoes up in a corner in the closet? Something like that…so it’s definitely and adjustment, and you have to pick and choose your battles. Asking him for a little more help with the housework wouldn’t be out of line here…especially since you said that the handy work around the house is pretty much done. He can chip in every once in a while!
Hope that helps! You’ll start to find that some of the annoyances that you first get upset about aren’t so bad as time goes on!
EDIT: One last thing! One of the best piece of marriage advice someone gave me was never to keep score. Do things for each other b/c you love one another. Asking him to do things nicely will help: “Sweetheart, can you come and help me fold the clothes so that it gets done faster?”
Post # 7
I try to gently remind my FI of things that really bother me. We’ve been living together for about 8 months and he is usually pretty receptive. Some things I just suck it up and deal with, for example he doesn’t feel the need to wash his towels or sheets as often as I do, so I just do it for him.
I agree with hotchild, you should just pick your battles. Things that really really bother you, just try to bring them up gently! I usually start with “I don’t mean to be a huge pain but…”. lol
Post # 8
Good Advice. Definatly do notice that the “nagging” doesn’t get too far with FI. I try and tone that down; but I just couldn’t believe he threw the laundry on the floor. He said “you didnt’ tell me what to do with it.” lol Just made me think…. “Really….Really…” We do have some stuff worked out like the Dinner/Dishes thing that Kity Mentioned. Thanks for the Advice!! I do need to try and pick my battles!
Post # 9
I think it’s a fine line you have to walk in regards to making a big deal about something and letting other things go. I think after a while living with him you should narrow down specific things that are most important to you that he do around the house. And then you have to tell him that you really need him to X and X because it’s important to you and you really need the help.
And be as specific as possible. Things that seems common sense to us simply aren’t for them (as you can see already). Another thing I would mention is not to nitpick or complain about the stuff that he actually DOES do, because it will make him not want to do it. I have found that really hard to do because I’m pretty specific in how I like things done around the house so sometimes it’s hard to keep my mouth shut and not criticize how he does something. Give him words of encouragement and appreciation when he does something right (like folding the clothes out of the dryer rather than throwing them on the floor). God this is starting to sound like training a dog or something…. 😛
Post # 10
Kitty gave some good advice! Make some rules – whoever cooks doesn’t do dishes. By far the most fabulous rule in our house!
Post # 11
i would just talk to him about it. maybe if he knew how you felt, he’d try to do more around the house. we’re kind of the opposite, he’s much neater than i am. he puts up with me, but i also make an effort to clean up after myself because i know it bothers him.
Post # 12
More Great Advice; Thank You! I have do try and not criticise the things he DOES do. Because I’ve been told that tooo. If he does something; even if it’s not the way I would do it @ least he’s trying. So I am trying that. Thanks Again Ladies!
Edit: Thought I would also share that I asked the 2 gentlemen I work with about this today. I said “What would you do if your wife asked you to…..”
They responded with “Well; you didn’t say to fold them.” lol I guess All their minds think alike! lol
Post # 13
I also leave post it notes on his mirror. I leave them at night, so that he will see them in the morning. I always sign them with a heart. He likes that and the post it note request always gets done because he doesn’t feel as pressured if I ask him to do it. Also, ask your guy if he would mind a “to do” list. Mine loves “to do” lists. He can look at it and cross things off as he does it. Also, like a previous poster stated, guys need to know the specifics. If you are asking him to take the clothes out of the dryer or clean the kitchen, you need to list the things that need to get done. Like after you take the clothes out of the dryer, please fold them and put them away. And when you clean the kitchen, please do the dishes and wipe the counters and stove.
Something else, try asking him how one of his guy friends would ask him. That sometimes works too.
Post # 14
I second Hotchild. Pick your battles. Although for us, it was an improvement for both of us to live together as he is the neater one and I am better at running a household. We have totally made each other better at those things. And he stayed over so often before moving in, there weren’t any surprises when he finally wasn’t paying his separate rent anymore.
The only thing we had to establish was who does what chores and when. Before he moved in, I was still doing all the cleaning and grocery shopping and that obviously ended right away. We split up the chores based on preferences and it works really well.
Post # 15
For me, it was just figuring out what the other was okay with doing. We seemed to have fallen into stereotypical male/female housework roles without much discussion about it. I do almost all of the housework, and he does the garbage, the cars, the garage, and most of the yardwork. It works–yes, on a daily basis I’m more likely to be doing stuff, but he’s got the all-day projects. Regarding the lights, we switched EVERYTHING out to LED’s or energy efficient bulbs–he did all of the math, and if we left every single light on all the time, it would increase our monthly bill by less than $5, so not worth fighting about. I’ve found that common sense is not the same for us all–what’s intuitive to us is not for them. It’s like him telling me it’s common sense on how to perform maintenance on my car! Specifics are good on both ends!
Post # 16
When it comes to chores, then you need to be specific with what you want done with them. I know it sounds juvenile, but some guys never had to take care of this kind of stuff. I make hubs do his own laundry even tho he hates to. I do most of the cooking therefore he does most of the dishes. He leaves his clothes everywhere, but my solution – laundry baskets/hampers in the living room, bathroom and bedroom. That way, he has a place to keep them contained. If he doesn’t do his laundry for 3 weeks and has massive piles (like he does right now) I don’t want to hear it cuz I have more clothes than him and I need to hang dry most of mine so mine are more work. But if I only have a half load to do, I put his in til its a full load and then fold them for him once I’m done. he does the trash, and we both straighten things up. However, we both hate to really clean, so we reserve that for a day that we both have a few free hours and tackle it together – that way it takes less time and your still spending time together. I have found myself doing more just cuz he works harder and more hours then me, so I dont’ complain as much when I have to do the dishes more.
Its give and take, and since he’s probably never lived with a girl before either, you need to set rules so that when he breaks them you really have a reason to be mad