Post # 1
My fiance is a clean freak – like OCD type clean freak… me? yea i just don’t care to be perfect all the time. We’ve been living together for two years. We’ve worked through it thus far but have yet to come up with a total solution – only partial fixes. Like i’ll vaccum while he mows the lawn on saturdays.
Its really been taking its toll on us recently and I could use some advice on how to deal with this. We’ve been able to discover WHAT the problem is and WHY we have it but for the life of us we can’t come up with a solution… so i’m coming to you ladies for advice in case any one else has to deal with something similar.
Basically the problem is what I consider “clean” he says is a “mess” and what he considers clean i consider “way TOO perfect”. He has a REALLY hard time dealing with it. He tries to stay calm or ask nicely at first but he’ll eventually just lose it. it just irks him. He can’t live in a mess (its not messy to me)…and i can’t be perfect all the time (but to him its just common sense and picking up after yourself).
the big problem is when its my stuff and my responsibility to clean. Or if i made the mess then i need to clean it… but i just don’t see it as that bad or it doesn’t bother me. But he just can’t stand it existing in the first place.
How do you decipher who cleans what. Do you clean all your stuff and he cleans his or do you clean up after each other?
Post # 3
@Kate0558: DH & I are opposite in this situation, with me being the OCD clean freak. I have to say that it only works because we both had to realize where the other person is coming from. DH doesn’t care if his shorts are on the bedroom floor or if his towel isn’t hung up exactly straight, but things like that bother me. So I take the initiative to fix them. He doesn’t care if his papers are a mess all over the counter, so we compromised and he gets to put his stuff inside a nearby cabinet, organized or not, because that’s his space (out of sight, out of mind for me! :)). I’m not sure if this will help you at all, but compromise is key – you have to respect each other’s ideas of cleanliness and try to come to some sort of agreement about who does what and when.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
The best solution is to clean it as best as you can and if he doesn’t like it then he can finish the job. Everybody has different ideas of clean and this is a standard issue in many relationships. My dad was like this and ultimately it ended up being emotional abuse towards me and my mom because the house was never perfectly clean enough. A piece of lint on the floor would send him into a tirade. It may be OCD and it may be an indication of other issues he has with control in your home or your relationship. Maybe it would be a good idea to sit down and find out why everything has to be so clean and perfect.
Post # 5
I had a psycho roommate like that. She would completely clean out the fridge – I mean take everything out and spray Lysol all over the entire interior until it sparkled – every two weeks. She would freak out over all the “food trash” I had in my room… She was referring to empty water bottles.
We are no longer friends, and we haven’t spoken since the day she moved out. She was a psycho. I know for a fact that I could never live like that again.
It’s all about communication and compromise. How willing are you both to compromise? If you can do it, great. You’ll both have to keep up your ends of the bargain, though. If you can’t… Well, I hope things turn out better than with me and my psychobitch roommate.
Post # 6
@catnip: THIS! I was going to the say the same thing essentially 🙂
I am the OCD neat freak…he has a more laid back approach!! Knowing he cannot change his behaviors, and knowing I cannot change how I feel, I have accepted my ‘role’ as the one that cleans up after him – essentially. I accept, and thereafter do not complain that I am the one cleaning the house, tidying up, etc bc in doing that I ensure it is getting done ‘right’ and ‘my way’. Has he tried to ‘help’? YES, but it was always ‘not good enough’, and then it always caused a fight.
The compromise, for me/us, was that he had to do his part to keep his ‘messes’ organized, lol. Case and point…we have a paper shelf in the house…a place to throw our keys, mails, coupons, etc. As long as he ‘throws’ his stuff in the right pile on the shelf, I will be the one to organize it/make it look pretty in the proper filing compartment bc the piles drive me bananas by days end! Or, the closests that are all organized with baskets, etc (again, I AM CRA-ZY, lol), if he can just put things that go in the closet(s) on a shelf, I will then organzie it into the proper baskets. Or, I bought over the door hanger hooks for clothes. I can live with him putting his clothes on those hooks – whereever he feels to put them – as long as they are not on the floor. IF HE CAN JUST DO THOSE ‘things’ I PROMISE TO NEVER COMPLAIN 🙂
And finally, with all this said, I find the biggest compromise made was he handles the outside ‘cleaning’, and I will do the inside – end of story. He will never complain that I do not mow the lawn, and I will never complain he does not mop the floor!
Hope this helps!
Post # 7
I’m a very clean person and I’ve taught DH to be very clean too. Once you get in the habit of doing something (like putting everything away for 15 minutes before bed), you just do it and it’s not hard.
I’m not sure that a neat freak and a messy person can live together. They both would feel like the other person doesn’t care about them or their feelings. Literally if DH makes a huge mess and leaves it for me to clean, it makes me feel like he didn’t care about me, that I’m not as important and am supposed to be his maid. I also have found that the more I clean and keep things tidy, the tidier DH is.
Post # 8
@GreenEyedMoon: i had a psycho roommate like that too. FI isn’t as bad as her or he’ll just confront me – she should leave me nasty notes as to how disgusting i am and i need to pick up my garbage (the empty soda can on my desk). My FI would just be like “Kate throw out the soda can”. That ex roommate – i actually transferred colleges because of her. She was just an a**hole who got everyone else to hate me too. Maybe i’m more sensitive to him asking me to clean because of her. IDK but it doesn’t really matter why. He’s not like a “sanitary” type clean freak he’s just an organization nut. So i always clean the bathrooms cus they’ll bother me and never even phases him. We have the POTENTIAL to really compliment each other we just don’t know how to get there- instead we are just really good at annoying each other.
Post # 9
He’s a bit obsessive about the cleaning at times, but we never leave things lying around either. We both always put dirty dishes beside the sink, rinsed to await washing, dirty laundry always goes into laundry baskets, and when we’re done with something we put it away.
If I take out a book, i put it back when I’m finished with it, for example. So we never let things get to a point they need to actually be cleaned. We always wipe off counters and the table after dinner or while I’m in the process of the prep work, if we spill something on the floor it doesn’t sit there waiting to be cleaned up.
It’s just really basic not being lazy, it takes seconds to put a dirty dish in sink or dishwasher, a dirty sock in laundry basket, or to wipe off the counter while cooking.
I used to work in the Food service industry, so I’m big on “cleaning as you go”. I have a tendency to do the prepwork on supper, and then while it’s cooking do dishes from the prep work, so when all is said and done the only dirty dishes left are very minimal, and those get rinsed and either washed right away or left for when i make the next meal and washed with those dishes.
Post # 10
Hire a maid, SHE cleans everything, Mr. Tidy can pay for it, everyone is happy…also, if his OCD surrounding this issue is starting to generate anxiety, he needs some theraputic intervention and exposure therapy, otherwise the disorder will continue to erode his ability to cope with situations that are not “ideal”.
Your not doing anything wrong, and neither is he, if it’s truly a sypmtom of his OCD, it’s his responsibility to ensure that HIS problem doesn’t become YOUR problem too
Post # 11
@Nona99: We did this, only my DH fired the maid because she didn’t clean well enough for him!!! HAHA!
Now he needs to find a new one or he’s going to be the one scrubbing the toilets!
Post # 12
HA I wish we could afford a maid – we can’t even afford furniture to help us keep organized. Or should i say me – somehow everything has a place with him. i tend to just leave it there cus i don’t know where to put it. maybe he just has less stuff. idk. lol
Post # 13
I’m the OCD clean freak, thanks to my parents. LOL. My fiance for the most part is very clean, except that he ALWAYS leaves his muddy boots by the damn door, lol. Truthfully, I don’t expect him to do anything around the house on a daily/weekly basis. When I ask him to do something, he will do it and fotunately for me he does it right because he’s a perfectionist. I usually do all the house work. But I’m a firm believer that if you clean every single day, you never get overwhelmed because your house doesn’t get filthy. That and everything has a home, put it back. lol.
Post # 14
FH is more a clean freak than I am. I have never been good at cleaning and organizing and luckily FH was ok with that from the get go. We usually clean up after ourselves, but we each have chores that we each take care of. FH does the litter box, the dishes and he usually sweeps. I do the cooking, the laundry and I mop and vacuum.
Of course if I’m really busy with studying or something FH will take care of everything. He likes things to be clean.
Post # 15
I can be OCD about cleaning but I also didn’t want to be taken advantage of. For example! If he knows I’m going to move his towel from the bedroom door back to to the hook in the bathroom because it bothers me then he’ll always have a towel hanging in the bathroom for him. BUT if I leave it there, he’s SOL… (actually he uses mine and then I give him crap for it, but that’s another story!) Anyway, I’ve tried those tricks and it helped temporarily but not long term. : / It’s better to just talk about the issues, pick your battles and see where you can compromise.
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
My FI has way higher standards with cleaning than I do, so I made a schedule of when things should be cleaned and stick to it, to make sure that everything gets cleaned before it gets to the point where I think it’s dirty. It’s worked pretty well so far. I like the one from pinterest with the swing day and daily/weekly chores.