Living with my parents after getting married?

posted 3 years ago in Home
Post # 3
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My advice is the following: do not eat out, do not buy unneeded things, save every single penny you can so that you can get out of there as soon as possible.

Even under the best circumstances, living with your parents and your husband will be extremely difficult. Try your best to set appropriate boundaries and stick with them.  I wish you good luck!  (and invest in a good door lock!)

Post # 4
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

FI and I stayed with my mom for a short time after we sold my house and were waiting to get into our new one…horrible time! And we weren’t even married. Are you sure your want to start of your marriage that way? It’s so stressful and you guys won’t have any privacy. It’s there anyway to rent a cheap apartment for a year or two?

Post # 5
Member
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands

Set ground rules before the wedding. Sit down with your parents and your FI and spell out things like chores, rules about knocking and noise, who cooks dinner, anything you can think of. Write it down. Sign it. Print and copy it. Hang it on the fridge if you need to. Then stick to it.

Post # 6
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

My FI and I have been doing this for a little over a year.  Fortunately, their basement is finished and they never come down.  It’s our own little spac.e  The only time we really go upstairs is to use the kitchen.  Fortunately again for us, we all get along pretty well.  

Being able to save all of your income is a huge opportunity that a lot of folks don’t get, and I would definitely advise you to take advantage of the opportunity!

Post # 7
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee

@ALazi:  My SO and I are living with my parents (not engaged yet). I never moved out; he moved in. I think my biggest question is why can’t you postpone the wedding until closer to when you move? SO and I aren’t getting married while we live with my parents (unless our honeymoon will be spent moving lol); we’re even iffy about getting engaged.

I do have to say, I know what you mean about the overbearing parents. Mine are still that way. My mom even made my dad or SO drive all the way to campus to walk me to my car last year after there was a sexual assault at my university. My dad seems to think he should have a say in ALL of our finances, including what job SO takes. It’s really irritating. But I think I can grin and bear it a few more months in exchange for low rent (which includes utilities and groceries), the security of knowing my parents will work with us if something happens (like SO losing his job last month), and a free education (scholarship, not my parents).

It really sucks, but you have to weigh the pros and cons. For some people it’s just not worth it. No one can tell you what you can handle and what you can’t. My biggest advice is to set boundaries that establish you and your SO as your own entity. For instance, no discussing finances with your parents and not letting them know if you fight. Having some things that just you and your SO know and keeping other people out of your business can go a long way to making it more comfortable. My parents NEVER have any idea when SO and I fight or what about, even though sometimes (mostly when we’ve been together too long) we fight like cats and dogs. It really helps to know that my relationship is mine and it is something my parents can’t control.

Post # 8
Member
2102 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mepayne:  +1 about the house rules!

 

@LMD:  Bravo! Same here!

 

@ForeverBirds:  +1 to keeping relationship privacy!

DH and I live with my parents – he is British and there was a transitionary period where he came over on a fiance visa and had to wait on the governments timing for the processing of his green card… My parents were gracious enough to let us move in and pay meager rent for the room I’ve had since I was 16 while he waited to get work authorization…  My parents are some of my best friends so we live as a big, happy household of adults – my sister (21) and her ever-present boyfriend (25) are always around too. 

We share kitchen duties, fridge space, have some communal meals but most are shopped for/cooked/cleaned up by us.  We always pay our rent the first week of the month and are always sharing food and drinks and etc.  

When he first moved over, my parents said about a year limit and I agreed. Now that he’s here and we’re all getting along so well and saving so much for one of the very biggest purchases of our lives (downpayment for a $300K townhome!), my parents have decided there shouldn’t be a limit and they would miss us if we left cuz the 4 bedroom/2 bathroom family homeis just too big for only them.

I love living with my parents, always have.  Its sometimes an issue when we want to be romantic or intimate but we know its for the best for the time being and by being able to save $4K a month, we will likely be able to buy a single family home instead of a townhouse which is so much more appealing and would save us even more money by skipping the starter place!

Anyway, I would have an adult talk with your mom and just be honest.  Its important for her to recognize that you are an adult and have your own family now and although you are part of hers forever, she needs to release her grip a bit so you can grow with your husband too.

 

Post # 9
Member
724 posts
Busy bee

You can’t live in your parents’ home for free and not feel like a child, as far as I am concerned. Adults pay bills and do chores. Sucky but simple.

Post # 10
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee

@KimmySumShuga:  I really wish it were as simple as talking. My dad is extremely reasonable and as long as you talk to him calmly will generally listen and back off. My mom, on the other hand, is emotionally unstable because she is living with untreated borderline personality disorder. A simple talk can turn into a screaming match at the drop of a hat, so sometimes it’s easier to humor her for a while because odds are, she’ll forget whatever she was worried about in a day or two- week at most. *sigh*

Post # 11
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee

@shaka:  You can pay bills and do chores living with your parents. Even living rent free, there are some personal bills that may not be covered; for instance, SO and I pay low rent, but we also pay our own car insurance, car payment, gas, and his cell phone (my parents still have me on their family plan cause it’s cheaper for them). And in some places, it’s the cultural norm to move in with the family.

Post # 12
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ALazi:  Don’t do it. 

Either rent a place on your own or wait to get married until you can live independently as a couple. 

Post # 13
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I will be living with MIL (not by choice… it was expected) until she pass away or really old that she needs to live in senior home (which most likely not the case) 

I don’t have advise but so far, what I gather from others in my life is stay a polite distant and ground rule will help. Once you open the door to have her included in your married life, it sounds like a disaster from those who been through it… 

Post # 14
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@shaka:  Yeah.. I’m kind of in this camp too. OP, if your mom treats you like a child now, of course she will continue to do this. In her eyes, you’re not self sufficient and it’s going to be really easy for them to exert power over you. After all, that old saying about the one paying the bills calling the shots is true. I’m honestly not sure why you would subject your new marriage to that – marriage is hard enough as it is. 

The best advice I could possibly give you is to save up your money and move out and then get married, or do both at the same time.  If you have to rent before buying, oh well, that’s a fact of life for many if not most adults. Sorry, I’m sure it’s not what you want to hear though. 

Post # 15
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would wait to get married until you are financially able to support yourself.

Post # 16
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@shaka:  +1

OP, forgive me if I missed it, but why are you getting married if you don’t/won’t have a place to live?

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