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@kag5079: If it really is a logistics issue, just run through the reality of the schedule with her. Doing the rehearsal dinner the night before is simply an impossibility. Explain that you're willing to compromise by still having one at another time before the wedding, but if that's unacceptable, then you just won't be able to do one at all. Thank her for her offer and, if out of town guests are the issue, suggest an alternative like a day-after brunch if that would be more feasible. Similarly, let her know you wouldn't be hurt or offended if she wanted to have a dinner party for those guests, even if you and/or FI couldn't make it.
@kag5079: gently remind her that it is your wedding and it will be hard to have a rehersal dinner without you (making it clear you won`t be able to attend)
I'm just worried I might have to do the reminding by myself. FI is really nonconfrontational with his mother to the point where, while he doesn't side with her over me, he certainly won't argue with her about things. He sort of just passively ignores the issue and changes the subject. I feel like if it's mostly me saying this stuff, she'll see it as just another one of the crazy daughter-in-law's ideas and get frustrated and/or dismiss it like the other nontraditional aspects of the wedding.
Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand from your post why you can't make it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. You said you work long hours but do you expect to work the night before you wedding?
@kag5079: I know exactly how you feel my FI is so passive that its at the point where his family feel they are ok to mistreat us because he never says anything, I always feel like the bad guy. Talk to your FI and say you need his support a marriage is a partnership and you want to feel united
@Meowkers: Yes. We're still very, very new to our current jobs (recently graduated college) and can't take off the Friday before the wedding. We expect that we'll be working right up until traveling Friday night. As a side note, we're also postponing our honeymoon until we can use vacation time, but we're okay with this. We're just happy to be employed!
**EDIT** It's not like we're working until midnight or anything, we just wouldn't be in town until 8 or 9pm, at which point the church is saying "um, no" to having a rehearsal that late.
Why don't you split the difference and ...
have the rehersal dinner the night before BUT in your city (where you live not where you are hosting the wedding) that way you can get there on time.
If you want to practice, do it a week or so before hand and don't worry about it. Tell her the Royal's practiced months before they got married, so you can do it a week or two before. Becuase would they ever mess up on ettiquite?
Maybe if you present it a different way. Why don't you tell her she's welcome to host a meet-and-greet for out-of-towners and family the night before and you'll try to get there as soon as you can, but that you're going to do your own rehearsal and a dinner for the people involved in that a few weeks ahead of time? I understand her wanting to host people who traveled, but I also see how the logistics just won't work.
Why not have the rehearsal on a different day, and let your FMIL throw a late rehearsal dinner (or better yet, mmm a dessert party) the night before the wedding?
You might be a bit tired after traveling, but that's a smaller price to pay to keep peace in the family.
@CassidyR: A good idea, but nobody else lives in our city, lol! I'm not sure how it'd be easier to ask 15 people to come 3 hours away than it would be for the two of us to get down there.
@LALaw: My concern is still that she wants to host some of her out of town relatives that aren't in the wedding party (grandparents, a few aunts and uncles) along with the 8 people total (including us) who are in the wedding party. How are we going to get them all in town for a weekend, then again for the wedding? I can ask about the super late dinner the night before, we'll see how she takes it!
Thanks bees!
No I think what @LALaw: means is you host your RD the few weeks before with just you WP. Then the night before you FMIL hosts a dinner or dessert party for out of town guest and WP that are there.
PS- ask your work if you could just work a half day on Friday and make up the hours earlier in the week. Can't hurt to ask.
@mmsva: Ah that makes slightly more sense! But like I said in my original post, 2 of my 3 bridesmaids won't be able to come (one lives cross country, the other is in college) and we have no idea where his groomsmen will be living ten months from now. Maybe my real issue is I see no need for a rehearsal dinner when half the bridal party can't be there. I think we may just do the suggestion from daybyday; tell FMIL that she should go ahead and have a "welcome dinner" for her out of town folks, and that we'll try to make it but we might not get there until really late. FI's dad is really intent on making a speech though.... perhaps let him do one at the reception instead?
I wish I could ask work to be flexible, but court waits for no one. 
@kag5079: Can you do both? What I mean is, can you do the formal rehearsal with the church/priest/immediate family members whatever day you guys can make it there as you want to do it. And then as a PP posted, have your FMIL host a party that Friday night to appease her out of town guests. You guys can make your appearance and everyone is mostly happy. Yes, you'll be exhausted and you won't want to go at 8pm when you arrive in town, but it allows her to host her out of town guests and it shows that you're trying to make things traditional, but with a twist. You can say your thank yous to whomever is there from your bridal party. Or, would she be willing to host a Sunday brunch instead of the Friday night rehearsal for the family/out of towners?
@longdistanceco_ca: Brunch could also work. My sister did that for her wedding and it was a big hit with the out-of-towners who enjoyed having a nice "afterparty" breakfast and getting to see everyone before leaving. I worry that this might run contrary to FMIL's traditional ideas though, and I'm pretty sure my parents will be doing a brunch for our side of the out of towners (close to 30 people), so FMIL might chafe at having to share. I think I might be able to talk her into though if I say my parents would share the cost 
Your FMIL would hate us... no rehearsal and no dinner at all! Gasp.
Your FFIL can do a toast at the "welcome" party too, or do one at the reception. Or both!
Your FMIL sounds like the type of person who gets anxious about rocking the boat. I'm sure if you (or even better, her son) explain to her that while you realize the night before is the traditional time there is simply no way without you and FI losing your jobs I'm sure she'll calm down.
Also, you can do the actual rehearsal without your maids who can't make it the week before... their job is really pretty simple. You just need to walk through and hear from your officiant who does what when, it isn't anything to stress about.
@Lexy: Oh I know that - about the bridesmaids' job being pretty easy. I meant them not being there for the rehearsal dinner was tough. Usually the church only requires the bride, groom, and whoever's giving them away to be there and everyone else can have it explained later.
You are dead on about her being anxious about rocking the boat - really perceptive from only a few posts! She is very set in her ways, but is pretty nonconfrontational about it (I almost wish she would just come out and say things to clear the air!). She's also a worrier, so I think you're right if I explain simple logistics she might take a chill pill.
Honestly I would just take the day off before the wedding, I am sure your employers would be more then understanding about the situation. You are going to be so stressed about getting the final details finished I don't think you would be very useful at work anyways lol
@kag5079: 'Atta girl, work it from all sides. Sorry it's frustrating, but I think you guys will find a solution. Also, maybe letting her know that it's really stressing you out. I had to call my mother in law in tears one day (without my then fiance knowing) because she was allowing people to add guests and bring children who were not invited despite it being a well hashed-out conversation. I don't think she knew how much stress it was causing me and once she realized it, she made amends. She just may not realize what her wishes/demands/desires are doing to you. Also, you have almost another year until the wedding. Perhaps things at work will have shifted a bit by then and you'll be able to do it afterall. And maybe not. Good luck! :)
Oh, but also maybe wait until after the holidays? Holidays are generally stressful for everyone and it might be better to have conversations of this magnitude later since you still have time until you have to send out any invites to a brunch/dinner event.
@kag5079: I would still have a rehersal, even if you can't have rehersal dinner. If it's only going to be you and FI, then no dinner, but even if a few people can make it, it's lots of fun. Maybe invite your parents and you FIL and make it special family evening.
Hi again!
What I was suggesting is that you just have the rehearsal itself earlier in the week. The most important thing is that your wedding party has the logistics of the ceremony all figured out, right?
Then just have the dinner the night before the wedding to appease your FMIL. Having a dinner is way less time-consuming than a rehearsal AND a dinner.
Who says the RD has to immediately follow the rehearsal? You have to work within your circumstances.
Hope everything is working out!
Is she paying for the dinner? If she is, she definitely gets a say in the timing. If this is really an issue for you, then politely thank her for the idea but you and your FI will cover the cost of the RD and hold it when you want.
It does seem a bit odd to hold it so far in advance, but if you truly cannot make it at any other time than go for it.
@longdistanceco_ca: I'm having issues with my FMIL fighting me on invites too- I've debated calling her on my own without FI knowing to explain to her how much added stress she's giving me and how much tension she's creating between FI and I everytime the conversation comes up about it. It seems like it worked out well for you though, right?
@kag5079: We're having issues with our RD too- FMIL wants to pay for it, but wants to invite half the wedding guests and have it in a place that's just too much- though that's the least of our worries. Good luck!
@kag5079: it's early enough to request--cant you take friday off? i think it makes sense to have a dinner the evening before to host out-of-towners as a thank you for traveling. it doesnt neccessarily have to be the "rehearsal dinner" but i think a dinner out or at home is a polite gesture to offer as a thank you to traveling guests.
I haven't read all the comments, but what about asking her to host a day after brunch.
This is frustrating. It is tradition for his family to take care of the rehearsal dinner (planning included) if it doesn't work for you...it just doesn't work. How do you feel about a rehearsal whenever it's convenient with pizza or something casual to follow. And instead of an actual rehearsal the night before the wedding, FMIL can host a celebratory dinner or something else for out of town family members.
@kag5079: um...are you engaged to my fiance too? becasue that sounds EXACTLY like my FMIL. No fake enthusiasm here!! I showed her my dream dress which is lace and she says "oh....well....that's.....ornate. it's okay, i guess". WHAT???
This is the same woman who said "oh, you can't just have ONE CHILD. that's just selfish" when I told her we may not have children, or just have one. Good luck. Let me know what you're able to do to reason with her...I could use the advice!
You should be THANKING your lucky stars that she is offering to pay. My FI's family isn't helping AT ALL. As a matter of fact the only time we hear from them is when THEY want money. Stop complaining and be grateful.
@BluntBlowinVSDrawShowin: I'm sorry to laugh - I know what you mean. My future in laws are the same way.. I try to laugh it off, because they are such show offs on the things they have. I do all I can to smile and not roll my eyes when my FMIL walks out in her skinny jeans and bling. LOL - what can ya do??? I put my foot down about the money thing - I have a rule now - No One will go without but until then, not giving our savings away.
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So my FMIL is really a nice woman and I have few complaints. However, FI is her firstborn and the first of her children to get married, so she is a little anxious about how this all works. So here's the problem: I know she's trying to be nice, but she is just horrible at faking enthusiasm and it's starting to get to me. Everything I try to share, from having wedding pie instead of cake, to having a tea length wedding dress, to getting a vintage Rolls Royce instead of a limosine - I get a raised eyebrow and an "Oh, that's... nice" or "You can't have a wedding without wedding cake!" or "Well, whoever's paying for it gets the last say, I guess" with an expectant look at my mother for backup. My parents just want us to have the wedding we want, so FMIL seems frustrated she isn't getting any armwrestling done.
I know she just wants the best for us, but the last straw for me is the rehearsal dinner, which FMIL graciously offered to pay for. FI and I are living in a different city than our church & venue, and have long-hours jobs, so traveling to and from the location during the wedding weekend will be rough. I've been discussing having the wedding rehearsal on a night other than the night before the wedding with our priest, because we literally cannot get there in time on a Friday before the church wraps up for the night. We may have it on a Saturday or Sunday a week or two beforehand. Two of my three bridesmaids won't be in until late Friday night before the wedding as well, so they wouldn't be able to go either way.
FMIL is appalled. Not only is this entirely unacceptable because she wants to entertain her family at a rehearsal dinner (her family will mostly be out-of-town, as opposed to my family, which is all in the location city), but this is just one more thing in the "non-traditional" thread that clearly makes her uncomfortable. I personally couldn't care less about a rehearsal dinner. I'm not having a bridal shower or a bachelorette. I understand she wants to do something nice, but it looks like a rehearsal dinner just isn't in the cards. How do I explain to her that while we appreciate the gesture, we probably won't be able to have one?