LONG: Bridesmaid regret – And she's my FSIL!

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MKWeddingBee:  On the basis of only what you have shared here, it seems the one with the problem may be you. You may have a different perception of what sort of relationship was going to exist between the two of you.

She is likely younger, still going to college, has her own friends and her own life. You are her brother’s FI. Although I am quite sure that she considers you to be a friend, you are not her BFF and do not appear high on her radar.

Your wedding is still a year away. Most experts do not even advise chooosing your wedding party this early. There is absolutely nothing for her to be doing at this time, as far as being a BM.

I suggest you modify your expectations, perhaps tone down the frequency of your texts (she may feel that you are grilling or checking up on her), and see where it goes from here.

Post # 4
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m also having my two FSILs in the wedding and am experiencing similar issues. I thought including them would make us closer but our relationship hasn’t changed. FI says it’s because they are younger and don’t really know what a BM does other than show up and wear a dress. There’s also been a bit of drama between FI/me and his parents and it has made me feel even more alienated from the family. I try so hard to build relationships with everyone and text his sisters every so often to ask how things are, but I’m always the one that has to reach out. FMIL’s excuse it that you can’t force a relationship. I’m not forcing anything, but feel now is the best time to work on building one before we move away in a few months. I’m not sure what you should do in your situation, I just know how much it sucks to feel like you’re constantly reaching out and getting nothing in return. I almost regret asking these two to be in my bridal party, I would have much rather freed up the spots for two friends. But what’s done is done and I wouldn’t ask them to step down as it would start even more drama and I don’t want any bad feelings at the start of our marriage. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  mab3015.
Post # 5
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Yes, it would be crazy to ask her to step down. Yes, it would damage your relationship.

You knew from the beginning that she isn’t great about keeping in touch, but you asked her to be your bridesmaid “in the name of family.” Don’t punish her now for having the exact same relationship with you that she had before the wedding.

She is probably under the impression that her only job as a bridesmaid is to show up to the wedding, wear the dress, and be supportive (it is). I highly doubt she feels “pressured or stressed” about it, so don’t pretend like you would be doing her a favor by asking her to step down.

Post # 7
5162 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

MKWeddingBee:  Don’t ask her to step down.

Here is the problem: you asked her to be a BM expecting it to transform your relationship.  That’s really unrealistic.  Some people don’t stay as close while they are long distance with you but you feel like you catch right up with them when you see them in person.  That’s fine – there is nothing wrong with that! 

Your origional reasoning for having her as a BM was sound – she’s going to be your SIL for the rest of your life.  Keep her as a BM but stop putting so much pressure on the relationship.  She isn’t going to become your best friend before your wedding, but if all goes well she’ll hopefully become a best friend throughout your lifetime as sisters.

Post # 8
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

MKWeddingBee:  What on earth has she done , or not done, that would warrant you asking her to step down?  If you are unhappy with your relationship now, wait and see what happens when you do that!

I suggest you modify your expectations.

Post # 9
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

You say you’re only expecting her to be at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, but you’re clearing expecting more from her. You’re expecting a fully developed relationship. She’s your future sister-in-law and it sounds like your expectations of a friendship with her are not the same as she has. I love my sister-in-law dearly–she is an incredible person. But that doesn’t mean I want to get texts from her all the time. Maybe if you back off a bit she’ll be more receptive.

And yes, asking her to step down would be crazy. And hurtful. 

Post # 10
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you know what happened here…you never pick bridesmaids that you hope to get close to. You pick bridesmaids that your are already close to. I think you picked her for all the wrong reasons.

Perhaps becuase of all the family drama she doesn’t want to make waves and stay neutral (or perhaps she is busy, and doesn’t really want to have long conversations via text). If you don’t feel that the relationship you have with her is worth anything at this point then by all means you can ask her to step down.

Post # 12
437 posts
Helper bee

my (at the time) best friend asked me to step down from her wedding party in 2006.  we were both in our early 20’s and i was moving to the west coast a month before the wedding, but planned to fly home for it.  she didn’t think that i was committed to her enough because i was working a lot to save money, packing for the move, and dating a new guy. 

it has WITHOUT QUESTION damaged our relationship (even all these years later!).  we try and force hangouts now and it’s still really awkward not only between us, but also with our families and mutual friends.

DO NOT make this decision lightly!!!

Post # 13
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I can tell from your responses that you really just wanted us to come on here and tell you that asking her to step down would be totally fine. 

Don’t ask her to step down. You made the mistake of asking her in hopes that she would become a better friend to you, but that was unrealistic. Your wedding is a year away, and since you aren’t expecting parties or anything she really has nothing to do. Honestly, I talk to my sisters less than you talk to this bridesmaid, and I would still be happy to stand with them on my wedding day. 

Post # 15
266 posts
Helper bee

When you originally asked her to be your BM were you under the impression that she would keep all wedding details to herself? Have you spoken to her about keepin the information to herself? That might be a good solution.  You also mentioned you haven’t really shared any wedding details with her, but in your last post you say she shares all the information with her mom, so its a bit confusing. 


At this point if I were you I would do nothing, you don’t need to text her and you don’t need to share any details the wedding is a year away.  Maybe wait 4-5 months and as the date gets closer just share the information that she needs to know for example what type of dress you expect her to wear.

I would never ask someone to step down once I ask them to be my BM.  Just try to work it out with her, she will be your sister in law soon and she will be in your life as long as your married to your FI. 

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