- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
Hey bees, so I’m hoping you can give me some advice on how to proceed with this situation. Sorry this is so long….been holding out a while on posting. For reference, my bridal party consists of only my MOH and one bridesmaid (my FSIL). My wedding is about a year away, and I have a lot of regrets about asking my FSIL to be a bridesmaid. I really wish I’d waited to ask her, and I’m beating myself up over how unfortunate it is. I love my FSIL dearly, but we are not extremely close. We mainly communicate via text, but when we see each other in person (rarely, maybe twice a year), we have very detailed, intimate conversations and spend a long time catching up with everything going on in our lives. I asked her to be a bridesmaid in the name of family and for the hope that in the future when she is done with college and more settled that we can be closer on a regular basis.
I have very limited expectations of my two girls. No showers, no parties, no luncheons. Just show up to the wedding and rehearsal dinner. Look and feel beautiful. Wear the bridesmaid dress I picked. Be supportive and keep in touch. So in my FSIL’s case, she doesn’t have to worry about any financial obligations (FMIL will cover all of those costs). She only has to worry about time management during the week of the wedding next summer (balancing her summer class and 15ish hours of work) and keeping in touch with me as a friend.
This is where I’m feeling all the reservations. She just doesn’t keep in touch. I text her, and it might take 3 days for her to respond if at all. These are not wedding-related texts. These are me asking how she’s doing, asking how she and her boyfriend are, asking if she’s heard any updates about her ill grandparents, asking about her schooling and jobs, etc. And whenever she does respond, she always apologizes for not seeing my text or forgetting to respond, but she says that every time. Then her response will usually be along the lines of “everything’s good” or “we’re good” or “school’s good”. This is how our relationship has always been. She is constantly glued to her phone, but I know it’s possible that she really did forget to respond and is low on time, so I always cut her slack. I’m just wondering if I shouldn’t anymore.
I’m so hesitant to share wedding details with her. I haven’t even sent her a link to the bridesmaid dress because of it. Some of this has to do with the endless drama with their whole family and our past issues with my FMIL (FI and I have decided to not really include FMIL and FFIL in wedding stuff, and anything I tell FSIL gets passed on to them). In addition, there’s just resentment building up that my FSIL doesn’t make any effort to keep in touch, and I think I had this expectation that asking her to be a bridesmaid would encourage her to do so. I honestly feel that her being a bridesmaid is throwing her into a bunch of drama (family) and stress (poor time management skills). I also think my expectations for her to keep in touch and be honest with me is hurting our relationship. If she weren’t a bridesmaid, it wouldn’t bother me as much if she didn’t communicate a lot, but bridesmaids are supposed to be your close friends, right?
I’ve begun the conversation of asking if she feels pressured or stressed but I think I’m going to need to be more direct. Would it be crazy for my to ask her to step down? I know that this isn’t a bridesmaid problem…it’s a relationship problem….but I feel like having her as a bridesmaid is making it worse. I don’t think it would damage our relationship/friendship if done in the right way. I was hoping she would come to the idea on her own and have been trying to think of ways to encourage her to step down without directly asking her. A bridesmaid regret situation could be so so so much worse, but I picked her over some very dear friends. I don’t know….help? :/