- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
My FI is a wonderful and loyal man who always puts me first. I love that about him and I do the same. However, from the beginning the more serious that our relationship got the more his younger brother resented me. At first he was really cool, but as things progressed he got quiet, surly, and would flat out refuse to talk to me. When FI and I announced that we were moving in together (about 3 months before he proposed) things really nosedived. Not only did the poor treatment continue, but he sat FI down for a nice long talk about how he needed to see other people before committing to me, that we spent too much time together, and that he just didn’t think that we were right for each other. Obviously I was very hurt by this. But I continued to do everything I could to make things better. I would invite him over for dinner, offer to help him with whatever his crisis of the week was, and in fact, I went so far as to hire him when he needed a summer job! (Didn’t turn out well, he lied to his family about the job, blew off my corporate office and HR director more than once, and ended up quitting 6 weeks early because he didn’t feel like working there anymore).
Ok, so now that I’ve made my FBIL sound like the worst person on the face of the earth I should point out that he is only 22. For the duration of our relationship he has been 19-22, and when he blew off the summer job he was only 21. So I do understand that a lot of this comes down to maturity and that things will probably get better as he gets older. I also understand that he and his brother, my fiance, were always really close. They used to hang out once a week or so before I came along. But of course, when FI and I got serious he had less time, and he couldn’t hang out on 5 minutes notice because he was already doing something. Of course I started showing up at holidays and family dinners, and I know that a lot of this comes down to pure jealousy. I’ve tried really hard to accommodate that and give them a night every few weeks or so for just the two of them. But ultimately, it has been wearing on both FI and I that he has been having such a chummy relationship with someone who has made no secret of how he feels about our relationship.
So the time came to pick our wedding party. FI decided to talk to his brother one last time before making the decision. During this conversation FI pointed out that I had been making every effort to turn things around and that they were always rebuffed. His brother agreed and said that he didn’t try harder because I’m too judgmental. FI asked how, and he couldn’t come up with a single thing to support that.
So long story short, his brother is not a groomsman. He loves his bro, but he doesn’t want someone standing up in the wedding who has been so consistantly unsupportive of us. We did agree that for the sake of family harmony his brother should be an usher, although that took some convincing on my part, FI was so disgusted he didn’t want him as anything. When we asked his brother to be our usher he was visibly upset because I’m sure he was expecting to be a groomsman, if not the best man. Now its time to tell the rest of the family, and we know that his parents are going to be upset, as is his sister, grandparents, etc. They were all expecthing the brother to be the best man. We need to know how to get through without airing our dirty laundry for the whole family but making it clear that we think this is best.
And then there’s the matter of guilt. I know that most, if not all of this behavior is coming out of immaturity and jealousy. I also think that once his brother ends up serious about someone he’ll understand and things will change. I don’t know that I am ok with having this rift forever imortalized in our wedding photos. I don’t know if this issue is essentially worth announcing to his family that he has lost a lot of closeness with his brother over me. I don’t feel comfortable embarrassing his brother like this in front of both of our families just because he hasn’t fully grown up yet. And I definitely feel bad that they grew up as best friends and continued that into adulthood until I showed up and this happened. His relationship with his brother shouldn’t suffer because he’s getting married. But I will admit, a small part of me is disgusted at the idea of him standing up in our wedding knowing the things he’s said, the way he’s acted, and the way he feels about it.
So I guess I just want to know if we are doing the right thing and how I can get over these feelings and enjoy the rest of my wedding planning.