(Closed) Long, but need advice… honest advice

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Wow….can I ask what you were doing going through his Facebook?  Is that something he knows about or were you snooping?  Either way, you need to stop that, if you are insecure and have problems trusting people, indulging those problems by being hypervigilant hinders what little coping skills you have AND makes it harder to create positive responses to your fears.

As a married woman, with a large group of male friends, I can say with no doubt that they talk to me about their girlfriends, fiances and wives because we’re friends…and sometimes, friends turn to each other for advice.  I understand that every relationship has a level of exclusivity to it, things you don’t share with anyone…but if this is a problem for you, imagine how he feels, he was probably talking to this woman to try and find a way to help make things better. 

It’s no different than you coming here and telling all of us that he was promiscuous and a drinker…he might not like knowing you shared that with the thousands of women here, but you did it, to get help, so he could probably get past that.

Post # 5
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think that this relationship is built on very very unstable foundation.  I think you both need to sort through your own individual issues (your insecurities and his drinking) before you guys can build a really healthy relationship.  

Post # 7
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Is it appropriate for a man to talk to another woman?!  Yes, provided boundaries in the relationship are not being crossed.  Is it appropriate to confide in ANYONE regarding YOUR issues without your permission?!  Not really, no.  (I say not really because I think we all chat to our closest/best friends about our partners, but it goes no further, etc.)

Beyond that, your post touched upon a lot of things you seem to be dealing with; from his drinking to your insecurity issues, etc.

I think you need to have a candid discussion with your FI about it all! 

Post # 9
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ditto PPs; I’d suggest individual counseling to work on your insecurity/trust issues and couples counseling to work on his drinking/the fights and how to deal with your insecurities and communicate better.

Post # 11
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yeah I’d agree that it’s not inappropriate for a partner to talk about their relationship to a friend of the opposite gender.  I totally get that some things, you’d prefer to keep between your fiance and yourself, but not everyone has the same values and standards there. You’ll have to spell out the boundaries with him, and ask that he do the same. You might be in a situation somewhere down the road where he’s (for example) trying to quit drinking, and he may feel the same way about you sharing that with your friends that you feel about him sharing details of your insecurities.  It’s not wrong to share either of those details in the context of trying to get advice or even just trying to express your thoughts and fears, but they are extremely personal topics and  not everyone’s going to be comfortable with it. You both have to communicate what kinds of things you consider to be “just between us” and make it clear, or risk having more misunderstandings and more uncomfortable situations in the future.

As to the bigger picture, you’ll need to work on your trust issues, which may (or even should) include setting some milestones and guidelines, both for yourself and for your fiance. How can he earn your trust if he doesn’t know what it takes to earn your trust?

The drinking-and-fighting thing is not acceptable, though. In some people, especially younger peple who don’t have a lot of experience controlling their emotions when they’ve been drinking, it’s a phase that will be grown out of in time, but in others it is a serious problem. I can’t say which category your fiance falls into, or if it’s urgent that he stop drinking, but either way, the two of you must work together to put an end to this. Period.  To me, that is the most troubling part of your post.

Post # 12
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

can you explain the “odd” relationships he has with other women?

I agree he should be talking about your insecurities with you. Maybe he was trying to solicit advice to help you, but he needs ot be talking to you not others.

I thnk you guys need to address the drinking issue you keep talking about and your own insecurities and issues.  It sounds like both individual and couples counseling could be a good step for both of you since you cannot talk with each other on your own.

Post # 13
Member
1282 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It sounds to me that you are both very insecure in who you are and need to work some things out before you jump right into marriage.  I’m confused because you say that you were in an emotional relationship with a girl, but youre not gay.  I have several gay and lesbian friends and they have no choice but to be gay because thats who they are.  It’s not an emotional attachment only.  I feel like maybe you need to feel a connection with someone so male or female wasn’t an issue for you.  I can only say from experience and a child of an alcoholic, that unless these issues are worked out early, they do not change.  Even if someone doesnt drink ever, if they were once an alcoholic, they will always be an alcoholic.  There are a lot of trust issues going on with both of you; him being around flings, talking to other girls… you clearly do not trust him.  Marriage will NOT change these things.  Women often think that if a man beats her, is a drinker, runs around on them, that once suddenly they are married it will suddenly change that person.  It doesnt.  It also seems like if he is purposely talking to girls and doing that when you aren’t comfortable with it, he also needs to gain some maturity and work out his individual needs too.

Fast forward down the road, and you may have children in an unstable relationship, and then you are teaching your children that this is an acceptable environment, and way to treat each other.  Your children will not be able to ever see a loving trusting relationship where they can then imitate and cultivate that in their own lives.

I suggest you seek pre marital counseling ASAP!  If you really are both commited to one another then do not rush into the whole marriage thing.  You both need to build a very solid foundation with each other as well as alone.  You say that you have past family issues, and I’m sure he has too.  There are so many broken homes today that we all bring baggage into our relationships.  But the key is that you need to work out your own baggage so you can know where you are coming from before you can even think about adding someone into your life.  You may find that at the end, he isn’t really what you are looking for, and once you knwo what you want and what you need in your life, you may be able to go out and find that by saying, “this is what I bring to the table in a relationship, and these are the things that don;t work with me and for me, and these are the things that complement me.”    I think you really just need to knwo who you are before you continue.

Someone will be able to take you both through a program to help you realize what you need to work on as individuals, and as a couple.  Everyone deserves to find love and to be loved in the way that they need, and I truly beleive that once you know who you are, you are equipped with the tools to find your other.  Whomever that may be!  I do hope that YOU find love and true happiness!  The last thing you want is to be taken advantage of and be miserable in this life!

Also, it’s kind of a guy thing to not want to talk about things right away.  Ive read a few marriage books, and really women are hardwired to talk things out… men are not and they sometimes don’t actually know how to say what they are feeling.  My Fi and I usually take a little time to gather our thoughts before be speak about our fights so that we can choose our words and not say anything out of anger.  Those are the things you cannot take back, and normally when you leave it go for a half hour, you get a chance to cool down and not say something horrible out of spite or anger. 

Althought they are Christian based books, and I dunno if that’s your thing, but they are very good reads and not Bible thumping texts, I do recommend “Love and Respect”  and also “The proper care and feeding of a marriage.”  I actually need to finish ready these books but they do a lot to explain who I am as a woman and actually make me feel empowered!

 

Alright ill get off my soap box now… whew!

Post # 14
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Nona99:  I agree. There is really nothing wrong with this and he is probably looking for another perspective.

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