- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Trying to keep a long story short – after finally managing to break free from a 6.5 year abusive relationship I met my now fiancé. I always knew I would meet someone as lovely, caring and responsible as him and really couldn’t believe my luck. 6 months passed of complete bliss. I really can’t think of another word to describe it. We spent a lot of time together with each other and his family. I got along very well with his mother, father and brother. My family adore him (and still do), we travelled overseas and we’re more in love than ever. Obviously my old relationship left me with some scars and I suffer from high levels of anxiety. During this six month ‘honeymoon’ phase my anxiety seemed to have all but disappeared.
Just over out 6 months of togetherness my fiancés brother rekindled an on again off again relationship with his ex girlfriend. I was very excited to meet this girl that his mother had always made seem was the ‘one that got away’. I approached her on Facebook stating who I was and that I was excited to meet with her the following weekend when she was coming to visit. Her visit came and went with no problems and I was happy for my FMIL that she got this girl back that she mentioned so often. That weekend that girl did not leave the house for a week. She slept there for 7 days straight. I had never done this with my partner out of respect for his parents so was a bit excited to know that it was accepted practice by them. I spoke to my partner as asked to speak to his mother about me staying over on weekends so I wouldn’t have to go home just to shower and change. He was excited about this also as we would have more time together. He was met with a blunt ‘No.’ from his mother. Her exact words were ‘Your one only lives 5 minutes away, the other is 50 minutes away. There is no reason for her to stay.’ And that’s where it all began..
Obviously I was shocked that this was her response. I mean I understand that it is her house and she can place any rules she wishes but to isolate one girlfriend from another in such a fashion I didn’t think was well thought out. A string of unfair, similar situations then lead to ‘crisis talks’ with my FMIL. We discussed all issues and I let her know how I felt and it seemed like a good conversation – only nothing changed. During this time my partners brother had distanced him self quite a bit from me and until this day has said about 5 words to me since. This behaviour is condoned by the parents as his work is supposedly stressful and it is just his way (even thought this was not the case beforehand). I had called him something inappropriate and was overheard by him (though valid). We had a discussion about this and I thought this was the reason for his coldness. Once we had cleared the air, no change from him.
My FMIL then set herself a mission to bring the four of us together (FBIL and FSIL). Her exact words were ‘If the girlfriends are not close then her boys would never be so we had to be friends.’ Now upon getting to know this girl, without my already resenting her for the way FMIL treated her specially she really isn’t my type of person. I’m low key and down to earth. She is loud and with the fairy’s and honestly, if it wasn’t for the family situation she would be someone I would avoid. I didn’t like the pressure we were put under regarding this but went along for the ride anyway.
About March my partner and I had discussed getting engaged. We looked for a ring and my partner purchased it not long after. I didn’t know this at the time but my partner had planned to propose to me in April during a holiday we planned. My OH is old fashioned and let his mother in on his plans. They had the biggest fight about it. Basically she was not ready for this, it was too soon for her, we hadn’t been together that long and he better not do it! So he didn’t. I only found out that this had happened when we got home and went to visit a friend. She grabbed my hand and then looked at my partner and said ‘you didn’t do it?’ It was a horrible feeling. Months went by and we discussed getting engaged more. It seems that since I knew of the first proposal that didn’t happen this one was a bit more planned in order for his mother to be on board. I knew something would happen in October. In the spirit of trying his mothers plan of getting the future siblings closer I suggested my partner let his brother in on his proposal plans. After a bit of pushing from me (which I now regret) he mentioned his plans to his brother. He was met with ‘Nobody will be happy if you propose now. I’m going to ask mine on new years so don’t do yours. It will look stupid since we’ve been together longer.’ My partner said well that’s not his fault and he was sticking to his guns. In August his brother rang him to say he was about to spontaneously propose. He mentioned nothing to his parents and they were in shock when they found out. Sly and spiteful are the words I link with this.
Since they were now official I jumped on the bandwagon. I had to make an effort now as she was going to be family. I started to involve myself more and even helped find a venue. They wanted to wait for a few months before their engagement party but we made it clear that ours engagement plans were still on and our party would then be before there’s and it would seem silly. I helped as much as I could with there preparations. I was with her when she picked her dress, she wanted a guest book but didn’t have the money so I bought it for her, I wrote out her invitations and paid for her makeup for the night. As their party grew closer her attitude was becoming more unbearable. Being very childish and secretive about certain things (not that I gave a damn which irritated me more). I was just trying to be friendly and keep the FMIL happy. The day came and I was mindful of the time. They were late, my partner was trying to seat guests, they cut there cake late and just before the photographer was going to leave and I took over 200 photos. It was very unorganised but ran well enough for them. They were happy, that was the main thing. The day after we went to her house to watch them open their gifts, it was nice enough but once they had opened all their cards they didn’t want to tally up the money. Now I completely respect the fact that they didn’t want everyone to know but they knew we were coming as immediate family and that they would share these details? Why invite if you have no intention of sharing? Again, not so much the issue as when they said they were going into a room to count it and that was it. It left everyone feeling awkward and it seemed really rude to everyone there. I mentioned this to FMIL on the way home and was pretty angered. The next day we were invited out to dinner with the couple which was extremely unusual and the main topic was excuses for that behaviour. Another time FMIL has spoke to FSIL and made her explain herself. The excuse was there was some friends in the house and they didn’t want them to know. Both of them had ample opportunity when we were leaving for her to whisper ‘sorry about that, unplanned friends were here and we didn’t want to let them know how much money was in the house so we went into the room.’ I would have been happy with that but no, only when FMIL mentions I thought it was rude do we get an explanation. This is probably the least of the issues but it got under my skin for some reason.
Then came my proposal and my time to plan. I had been planning for a while but kept everything low key as to not spoil there moment. I received zero interest from her with anything we did. I didn’t need any help nor want her interest but it was more the principle. After mentioning this to FMIL suddenly his brothers fiancé took an uncharacteristically interested in things. I knew then that the communication between FMIL and FSIL was more frequent and sneaky.
My partner and I had set the 30th of August 2014 as our wedding date but then decided that October 2013 worked better for us. My partner told his mum while driving somewhere and she jumped out of the car, kicked his door and told him to not come home. How dare we suggest such a thing? I had to go and have crisis talks with her again. We had planned a trip toEurope with the family for July 12. Once his brothers girlfriend was back in the picture the dates didn’t suit her so we then planned for July 13. With wedding plans now, we weren’t up to the trip any more. FMIL stated if we did not go toEurope she would not coming to the wedding as we changed the date and she’s wasn’t ready for this wedding so soon. I’m stupid and bought the threat. 12k later spent on this trip and the drama is still unfolding. That was my biggest mistake. FSIL also made a point of not allowing me to invite a friend of mine because she had a fight with her over the internet a year ago. FMIL sided with her and this caused a lot of issues for us in our social circle. I still can’t believe we let her get away with that..
A week before our engagement was my partners birthday. I planned a surprise night with friends at the strippers. Strange I know but I knew his friends would have a ball and so would he. It was a great night. His brother who is known to be a womaniser and spends all day on facebook liking pictures of half naked girls I thought would be first at the door. He was really keen when I mentioned it to him a month before. Of course his partner who is insecure was not happy with my plans and conveniently his brother couldn’t attended due to work. I only found this out, on the day as I was picking my partner up. I was furious that she would let her jealousy stop his brother from being there but also blamed his brother for not standing up to it. Of course I assumed that she was not attending either so took her of my list of guests on the facebook event I had created. She went bonkers stating that I was forcing her to not be at her FBIL birthday and that who was I to make decisions for other people. Um, it was facebook? I didn’t have a gun to her head saying she couldn’t attend? She knew very well where we were going and at what time. If she wanted to attend she could have, but she didn’t. Dramatic. I tell FMIL that it was pathetic that his brother couldn’t make it and that neither of them could have informed me and as usual she sided with them. The conversation got so heated that FFIL said that I was causing all these problems and we should just f*ck off. I’ve been blamed non-stop for being the trouble maker and tearing their family up.
Our engagement party comes the following week. I had no contact but a random message from FSIL saying something about ‘get excited – weeee’ or something stupid. I replied as bluntly as I could. They arrived 40 minutes late, she was dressed as a tramp (but hey, each to their own fashion), her parents bought alcohol into the venue when she knew that was no aloud, made faces during the priest blessing our rings (on camera), craved attention on the dance floor most of the night, got my FFIL drunk (granted he did nothing embarrassing), sat on his lap and was all over him, (everyone noticed) my partners brother was telling people that he didn’t know why people where here, they were only here for the free drinks and food and then she followed up the night when everyone had gone and decided that was the appropriate time to bring up all the family tension. My partner and her had a big fight since he put her in her place which lead to her going home crying to FMIL. FMIL rang my partner and abused him saying that he need to apologise to FSIL and a bunch of crazy. Really? They couldn’t let him have 24 hours of peace? FMIL sided with the other couple again. FSIL even said she was helping to seat people and took all these photos and was trying to help. FMIL ate it all up – this b*tch did nothing! I have now lost all respect for the lot of them. The next morning FMIL was to come to my parents house where we were to unwrap our presents. My partner told FMIL that the FSIL was not welcome at my house. FMIL said that she wouldn’t be there either then. They did come but and put on a fake face but I knew what had happened before hand so it was hard to hold my tongue.
My partner made a point to FMIL of feeling uncomfortable in his own house when FSIL was there without her partner being there. If he is at work for 3 days, she should go home. Things are not good with my partner so it makes sense. Apparently not, FMIL siding with FSIL again.
We have decided that we will not be inviting FSIL to our wedding. I do not want to have someone with ill wishes towards me at my event to ruin my day. FMIL has stated that FSIL is family and if she is not invited they are not coming. We are now up in arms over whether to just have a church ceremony and go on our honeymoon as the mood really is not right for a reception. The threats are getting old and I just don’t understand what hold FSIL has on my FIL.
Now just for some background. I’m 26, my partner is 24. We both work full time jobs. I work9am – 5pm and my partner 12pm – 10pm weekdays. We have our own money, make our own decisions as we are adults. This pathetic excuse for a woman does nothing. At 23 is into her second or so year of studying and does not work. Also didn’t do anything before deciding to be an adult student. I don’t need FMIL at all. I make my own money and am completely independent. The other one has no cash (besides some money inherited), they have to watch her while her partner is away, she basically lives at there house, doesn’t clean anything, uses his mother for free coffees etc as well as her partner as he is the only bread winner for them, has all these ridiculous plans for their future which can’t possibly come to pass and really is basically a bed warmer for her partner when he is home.
There is so much more that I have not mentioned, FMIL is very controlling and hates that I try to make my partner independent. All her friends agree with me and understand how I’m feeling but when she confronts them they take her side since they all know she is bat sh*t crazy and they don’t need the drama – which is fair enough. I’m acused of not being a family person because I don’t hae the time to spend with FMIL like FSIL who again is unemployed has time for and so so much more. I just don’t know what to do anymore. As a couple we are finding it hard to enjoy ourselves or make further preparations for wedding that they may make miserable. Everything’s sort of in limbo and we are both very stressed. The favouritism is just too much to bare and FMIL is in complete denial about it. I’ve just withdrawn and have had no dealings with his family since the day after our engagement. Any suggestions or is this all in my head like my future in laws are trying to make out.
*Should note that anxiety is back worse than ever.