- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
Be forwarned, this is totally a dump. I’m looking for both advice and just to rid myself of this dark mood. I know that there are women, so many women, that have it worse than me. However, I can’t seem to find many people who are in between those that have a cycle of 35 days and those that have regular cycles of 70+, so I figured I’d add what I have at least.
My husband and I had planned to begin ttc in April. I had gotten off of birth control on December 31, had a normal 28 day cycle that month and in January. In February (before I knew everything I know now), we did the pull method for what my app quoted my fertile week to be (being okay with the possibility of a surprise but not going gung ho). At the end of that week, we just went back to normal but this time sans bc.
Weeks passed and I never got my period. I was excited, yes it was a little early but whatever- I must be pregnant! And yet, when I begun to test- nothing. Nothing the week my period was due up to three weeks after. Even though the tests told me otherwise, I still had hope that maybe- just maybe, it was happening.
In that time, we just bd’d whenever we wanted, without any precautions. In the end, I went to the doctor but she just said it was an irregular cycle.
In the end, my cycle was 49 days long. Which, is funny now that I’m thinking that was a long time. Still, I was heartbroken. I had convinced myself I was pregnant. It was stupid but the heart wants what the heart wants. I thought that surely if I hadn’t ovulated at my official time, I must have done it sometime after- surely we bd’d around the same time. I can’t say whether I did or didn’t, at that time I was merely charting my periods.
Since then, it has been 64 days. I started temping on day 38, annoyed that my cycle was once again not going to be within my previous 28 day range. On day 50 it looked like I might have ovulated (it wasn’t above 80 F, but it was on the higher range of my chart). We had been pretty consistent bd’ing and continued. The next week, thinking we had done all we can- we took a break. Then I had another tempature shift on day 57, way above the 80F mark, after a quick drop the day before. Surely I had ovulated. I did the whole tww, trying not to think of how long before I could test.
I told my husband last night that I would be testing today (15 dpo). I knew it wasn’t likely but I wanted it to be. But then I took my test and it was just so white. Nothing. I crawled back into bed and he asked. I tried to keep it light, like I didn’t care.
Now I can’t stop thinking that the second temperature shift was actually when I ovulated, once we had stopped bd’ing after WEEKS of making sure we did it every 2-3 days. We had stopped just two days short. And now it’s going to be anywhere from another 50, 60, 70 days before we even get another chance.
I’m angry at myself for stopping just a little too short, I’m confused and sad that my cycles have decided to go out of whack the moment we were SO CLOSE to trying, I’m angry at the various people that tell me “Once people give up is when it happens,” “You’re stressing yourself out of it,” “Just stop caring.”
Are long cycles always connected to a problem? Or are they just long for some women?
What do you do to get your mind as far off it as possible? I’ve tried distancing myself in so many ways and it has helped. I don’t feel the same as in February/March. But every now and then, seeing someone’s child, seeing my husband act so gently with a little one, it just hurts.
I know it’s only been three months, and I’m sure to many it seems ridiculous to feel the way I feel. But I’ve been ready for a baby for well over a year. I just waited for my husband to catch up. And now that he has, there is yet another (this time unknown) wait.