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I'm not sure I understand the whole situation. So you moved to Germany for him, and are now finishing up school in Germany. And while you are there, in Germany because of him, he will be moving to Finland. Personally, I wouldn't be OK with it. But I think that moving to a new country is a big deal. (Especially if your fella is leaving you all alone in a new country.)
I can understand the part about being a big opportunity. And in some situations it might be OK to sacrifice some time, temporarily, for the sake of a career, or other things. There are some gals on here who have to spend time apart from their men. So I think it's not the end of the world.
But I definitely, think you need to figure out what is important and what is a deal breaker. If it's a matter of it just being a year, and you can then live in the US, OK. But if you don't know, and this Helsinki thing might be more permanent, is that going to work for you? Would he be willing to quit his job if he can't get the transfer? How important is living in the US? What are the parameters for one of you following your career path, now that there are two of you to think about? A pretty temporary situation is fine. But the two of you are going to need a better solution than living separately when you each want to pursue career interests. Ultimately, there is probably going to be some compromise and potentially letting some career opportunities pass one or both of you by.
Good luck.
Is this job something that he really has to do and you want him to do? Is this something that is worth the separation and the sacrifice?
I am American living in Ireland and stayed here after I met my FI. If he picked up and said he was moving somewhere else (even for a really good opportunity) I would be really, really upset (and I have relatives in Ireland!)
If it were FI and me I would tell him that I don't think the timing is right and that I would be unhappy being in Germany without him. He knows you're in the middle of your degree so just because it is a good opportunity for him doesn't mean it's a good opportunity for both of you. Once you make the decision to get married the decisions have to be made to benefit both of you. I know the career move would probably be a great chance for his career right now but it would be really tough for you guys as a couple. And that is probably more important right now. But you have to decide that together.
There may be other opportunities down the line but you'll never get to re-do the start of your marriage.
Good luck with your decision - I'm sure you'll be able to make it work - I think communication is going to be the key.
As someone who is spending the first half of their marriage year apart, I can give you some insight.
It's the same as before. Long distance relationships *feel* the same, regardless of if you're married. I have issues with this b/c I AM married, but I don't really feel it. And I'm totally cool with living by myself and doing my own thing. I've been doing it for over 4 years now. My husband spent 15 months in Iraq...i saw him for 2 weeks out of that period of time. I haven't seen him since 4th of July weekend. It takes some time to get used to, but it's not the end of the world, either. It sucks, but you just do it and find joy in living by yourself, indulging yourself, and doing your own thing. It's just not such an awful thing that you can't put up with it. BUT, 2-3 years is a longer time than I'd be comfortable with. What if you got pregnant in between that time? That was a fear of mine...being all alone and him being far away and being pregnant. In a way, though, I'm quite happy that I got to have this experience as I think it will make me a better person in the long run, for what it's worth. We'll have our 'newlywed' experience when he gets home in November, it's ok; we still have the rest of our lives =]
If you'd gotten together on the premise to end up in the U.S., go with that unless you BOTH are ok with changing. DH and I stayed together with the premise that we would BOTH settle in St Louis so I refused to take a job out of college outside of St. Louis. I lucked out, but had I not, I'd have moved to Savannah to be with him and done who knows what. I'd have figured it out when I got there. And just so yuo know, one weekend a month is hard hwen you're in school. You can't just dorp everything when you're a student. I had to bust my butt to take a weekend off occassionally just to see my guy and then bust my butt for a week to catch up. It was really cyclical and REALLY hard on my mindset while in college.
Can you transfer your education to Helinski? If you dont finish where you are, is it a complete waste? Is there a distance/online education option?
Ok, ultimately, whatever you decide, you have options. If he decides to go for the career and you stay and finish school, a LDR marriage isn't the worst case scenario. That being siad, I'm freakin tired of my LDR. I want him HOME. 2-3 years is longer than I"d put up with. A year? I'd say, yes, doable, go for it, be supportive. Frankly, I'd be selfish and say, "no, let's stick to our plan, otherwise it'll be YEARS before we get back to the U.S." and have him stay in his current job (PS why is the new career opportunity so good? money or moving up in the world?), you guys stay where you are, and then figure it out when you're done with your PhD.
I will say that being married and living apart is not the wrost thing in the world if you decide to go for the career opportunity! Lots of people do it, as it's their only option, but you do have a choice, and I'm quite envious! =]
*communication is THE most important factor in a long distance relationship, especially a long term. It makes or breaks people. Don't want to scare you, but communicating in person is a LOT different when that face to face venue is taken away from you. Phone, email, etc....it really is a different thing.
Oh gosh, this is so difficult! I didn't have the exact same situation, but I'll go ahead and explain.
I am just now starting a Ph.D. program, and I had to move across the country for it. When I first met the FI, he knew from the get-go that this was in my plans...and even so, we continued dating, until we realized that it was getting super serious (I guess an engagement counts as serious, right? ;) Haha!). Then we had to deal with the conundrum of what we were going to do...was he going to leave his job and move with me? Would he stay behind? It was awful. I hesitated to have him leave his job to move, because there is never a guarantee that he'll find employment in the new location...stress! But, the job he had wouldn't ever allow him to be on vaca for more than like, 2 days at a time (talk about an awful job, right?). He didn't get full weekends off, he always had to work one of the two days. So, getting to visit me would be very difficult. In the end, I left it up to him to decide, and he made the decision to move with me.
I'm going to be honest, at least in my particular situation, I could fathom being away from him for perhaps a month, mayyyybe two...but I struggled to imagine what would become of our relationship if we were apart for longer. Not that I think either of us would be unfaithful, etc, just...there is something about being WITH someone that a phone call, texting, chatting, email, etc just cant replace. I think it was a huge step for you to move to Germany to be with him...thats a bold move! But, I think I'd be drawing the line at being apart from my new husband for the first year of my marriage. That is only my ***selfish*** opinion. I would just make sure that the two of you really lay out your expectations for being long-distance if he decides to take the position. It will take a lot of work, but I'm sure it wouldn't be impossible!
How do you feel about it? You just say you're trying to be open to the idea. From the options you've listed you seem to feel badly about it. I don't think abyone would blame you.
Fiance and I started out our relationship long-distance. We've both stated we would never want to do it again. It was painful. It also, I feel, made me think our relationship was strong right from the start. It's hard to stick together from far away, but we did it.
But I think long-distance relationships can also be a huge strain on people and at such a turning point in your relationship it seems very risky, especially since you sound stressed out about it.
I am a bit unclear about things though. How long would you have to stay where you are for your degree after he moves away. Is it 2-3 years? That is a lot of time to be away from one another. How much do you want to return to the U.S.? Is that essential for you? Since you've discussed it as your plan, that is a big decision to change, I think.
I like that he recognizes that he's asking a huge thing from you though. That's nice. I would really consider a few things: how badly you want to return to the U.S. and how capable you feel of living apart from him for an extended period of time. I would want to know how he feels about being apart so long too and how regretful he will be about passing the opportunity up. Make sure you really think about what you want and make sure you really discuss with him what he wants. It sounds like he is very open to discussion about it, so take full advantage of it.
Thanks for these insightful posts. It is clearly not an easy decision and if I could, I would encourage him to go for it and just move to Helsinki with him (seriously, it's a georgeous city on the water and when else would I ever have the chance to live in Finalnd) but that is not an option because of my school. To be really certain, he told me he would not even express formal interest in the position if I am not okay with it and as I mentioned, he did not think I would even consider it. For him, it would be a chance to move up a level on the management ladder of a Fortune 100 company which could translate to an expatriot position in the US. I would not be supportive of this LDR for more than 2 years. If it were 1, I think I could confidently agree that it would be empowering to live alone in aforeign country and speak a language I don't consider myself to be fluent in but it's the open end that leaves me wondering. It is especially interesting to see how people interpret my post and makes me reevaluate my feelings. Thanks, I really appriciate the feedback and appologize if I was not completely clear, I tried to shorten a super complex situation.
It's also a bit ironic because he told me this yesterday after I wrote on my blog, for the first time, that it is possible we will live somewhere after leaving Germany and before moving to the US. It's just a heavy decision to make and we will most defiantly be talking about it before any action is taken.
Hi Hun!
I can't tell you what decision to make (only you can make that decision based on the strength of your relationship and your emotional capabilities), so all I can do is share my store.
My fiance and I have been dating for 10 years. In those 10 years, I did my bachelors degree 2,000 miles away from him for 4 years. We averaged 2-3 days with each other every 5 months. We became long distance about a year into our relationship.
I then went back and lived in the same town as him for 3 years, but here again, I moved away in order to earn my Ph.D., a 7 year program on average for my field of study. This January, I will have been here for 2 years, and I've seen him less than I did during my bachelors. Once again, 2000 miles away, I saw him in May when he proposed and I won't see him again until Thanksgiving.
It is incredibly difficult, and it kills me that there's no current end to our long distance stint written in stone, since I'm not done and he's in school as well. I'm tired of being at year six of a relationship where we're so far that one weekend a month would be a dream come true.
However, it's do-able. It has brought us to our knees, but it hasn't killed us yet. We just hold onto the hope that it'll be over soon.
Again, I really wish I could tell you if you'll make it, or if you should even try. Some people can do it, and some people can't. But, I thought I'd share my story with you.
after reading your follow up and having my bad night (i'm crabby i haven't seen DH in 6 weeks and wont' see him for a few more....we almost bought a ticket for me this weekend but i said for $500 i felt like that was too much), I think you are at that crossroads of family vs career.
IF he puts his career before you (which kinda is kinda isn't true, i know that sounds bad) this one time (moving away, you know what i mean), is this the only time? or will there always be another *awesome* opportunity lurking around?
Will this opportunity open SO many more doors for your future together that it could be beneficial to buckle down and join me as a LDR wife for 2 years to secure something fabulous for the rest of it?
All in all...being an LDR wife sucks. 2 years? No, I'd have put a cap on 1 year. DH got back from Iraq Dec 08 and he will be home by Dec 09 at the VERY latest. Any longer, and we had decided that I would move to where he is stationed, not live apart.
A year is a long time. But a year is VERY doable. It humbles you, much like coconutmellie says and it can be very good for your relationship. It makes you stronger and since you'll be married, you can't just say "oh man this is too tough. I don't wanna be your girlfriend anymore" so you'll be forced to grow with it. It's not a bad thing if you decide to do it. But 2? I don't think I'd say yes to 2.
Good luck on your decision. You have a lot to weigh on and I love that he's taking your feelings into it instead of just saying "I hvae this awesome oportunity, here's the deal" sorta thing. Is the job he has right now so bad for him to stay at?
Sometimes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it....even if there's a prettier model promised to be behind door number 2
I have been in a long distance relationship with my FI from the start(4yrs). I am home for a month in Philadelphia, and then gone for a month. My only reason for working is MONEY pure and simple. It may seem shallow, but is a necessity. I am taking my hits now so we can have a better future. That being said their has to be a plan. My plan is to only continue this for a few more years, and from then on we will be attached at the hip. Setting priorities and having a set plan makes our lives much easier. I want to have children, and be a stay at home mom until they are in school. To be able to do that we need to beef up our savings. Lay it all on the table and let him know the things you would want and need in your future(children, job, travel...). We live by our promises to each other and make concessions when necessary. My motto is...Make your sacrifices now so you can enjoy life when it counts. Good Luck!
Is it a permianent or semi perminent if its semi then no big deal. The fi and I have been doing semi perminent for 3 years now and it works well. He goes away to college so I don't see him he comes in on the weekends and holidays and stuff. Lets put it this way if its ment to work it will. There are plenty of long distance relationships that work.
this is a tough decision. It's not entirely impossible to make it work though! I have a best friend who is finishing MED school and her hubby's in the navy. They got married 3 years ago and haven't lived together because of their careers but when she is done with school, she will be in a much better place and have more freedom to be with the one she loves! You can make it work if you want to and you and the fiance decide that it's for the best for you!
I have nothing personal to add. But your question did remind me vaguely of a recent advice column I read in the Globe and Mail, about a married couple in a long distance relationship. Thought you might want to read it:
Thanks for all for sharing your personal experiences, I can't express how much it has helped me to put things into perspectives. With my support, FI inquired about the opening and learned that it is not being filled immediately (thanks to the economy) so we have some time to think and discuss if this is realistic for us. I really appriciate the insight you all have brought to the table, thanks hive. I also realized I have a million typos/spelling errors in my previous post, sorry about that.
Wow that article was a little extreme. I do agree it's a bad idea to raise children in that household, but for someone to say you have to see someone every day to be married and then refer to his wife in quotations, well, that's kinda poopy. It's not as though the author divulged lots of details to give us background
Glad you have some time to think about it slicey =]
It's definitrly nice to know that if you are going to do it, there IS an end to it, not just an open-ended question sort of thing
@ejs4y8: Yeah, that article is a bit extreme, but then again, it's talking about an extreme situation (choosing to have a child while in a long distance relationship). A long distance marriage isn't so strange - but long distance parenthood? I guess it offers an extreme view of what *can* happen in relationships that end up being long distance for the long term, which is why my mind thought back to that article when I read about OP's situation. Obviously the situations are quite different, but in any case, that article offers one advice columnist's perspective about a vaguely similar situation.
Yeah no joke! That poor kid would be shuttled around so much! I can't even fathom doing that to a child...
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Hi Hive, for the first time in our relationship, FI and I considered long distance and I'm trying to be open but I'm not sure I am considering eversthing. I know there are several of you who are currently or have been long distance and hope you can give me so me advice. It is still very early but I want to gather information from experiences because once he tells his boss he will go, there's no going back. Here's the situation.
I am American, FI is German, I moved to Germany with him and we've been living together for almost 3 years (engaged for 2). I am now doing my PhD at a local university and can not move until it is finished (2-3 years) but we had planned to return to the US shortly after I finish. Yesterday, he found out about an open position which would be a huge opprutunity for him careerwise but involves moving to Helsinki. I like Finland, particuarly Helsinki a lot but I can't move with him. Basically, he would move about 6 months before the wedding, we would get married honeymoon and then return to different countries. Yes, he would be able to come home but flights are few and expensive so I feel like in reality, I'd see him one weekend per month and on vacation (as a bonus, Finland has 5 weeks of vacation). While I think it would be good for us to spend a short time apart, I'm just not sure that spending the first year of our marriage apart is a good idea. Also, this would be an open ended situation, I could potentiall move there after I finish or he could move back but he may not be able to get the same company to transfer him to the US until he spends another year or so at HQ. Am I crazy for even considering this? He actually told me, he expected a flat no from me but I don't want to cause him to miss a career opprutunity.
Any input, especially if you've been in a similar situation, is totally appriciated. Thanks.