Long distance after marriage?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

i think it could work. i mean, in a sense, military couples do it all the time. i think it would be hard, but if you think it could be worth it, employment wise, then it’s doable.

i was in an LDR with my fiance for 6 months, at the beginning of our relationship. it sucked. a lot. but it made our relationship stronger.

anyway. here’s what i think you have to think about:

how far would you be looking to go? would it be somewhere that you could come home on weekends? would he be able to visit? could you afford to pay for an apartment there? would the salary be enough to cover rent/utilities/car/gas/etc?

Post # 4
8677 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m kind of in the same boat. My husband deploys and he is gone more than he is home. I pretty much always have a long distance relationship with him.

It’s hard. It’s definitely hard, and it never gets any easier. It didn’t really affect our relationship much (Although I am probably way more excited than normal to see him come home) but our relationship stays strong due to lots of communication. We talk whenever we can, he calls me after he lands/before he takes off, we play games together in his off time, we spend as much time as we possibly can with each other when he’s gone.

Post # 5
2070 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

@mayflowerbride13:  Yes, kind of. A couple months after we got married, my DH started working off-shore on an oil platform in the Gulf of Mexico. He’s gone 2 weeks out of every month. I’ll be honest, it sucks. A lot. The worst part is knowing that he’s in this job indefinitely – they say that in 2-3 years they can offer him a desk job, but that is a longggg time!  So there’s that. But I do think we’re similar to @Hyperventilate:  in that we try to communicate as much as possible so it doesn’t take a toll on our relationship.

On the other hand, I totally get where you’re coming from. I am really really unhappy at work too. I think it would be worth it for the long run for you to pursue your dreams in another town/city, especially if you could go home for the weekends or see him as often as possible. 

Post # 6
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

We started LDR 2 weeks after being married.. DH has to work about 8 hours away and comes home every 2 weeks for 3 days.. 

It sucks. We had barely moved in together and JUST gotten married. It was def not what i thought my forst few months of marriage was going to be.. 

As a couple it hasnt really affected us badly.. I mean we talk on the phone a couple times a day. he wont skype. I just miss him like crazy.. we sometimes argue.. not bad tho. it just seems worse when ur far away and cant hug when its over. 

I have dogs to keep my company so at least thats some comfort.. 

Its harder financially becuase its like were living a part but still have to pay rent for where i live.. 2 grocery bills and extra gas becuase of when he drives down every 2 weeks. 

The only thing that gets me through is that i know it wont be going on forever. Its just temporary and he is doing it for our family. 

Weve been doing it for a little over a month and the first 2 weeks were the worst..i felt overwhelmed, sad, lazy.. but i decided to put my big girl panties on and be happy and busy and try and wait with a smile on my face..

dont know if this helps but i def know what you are (will be) going through and although its not an ideal situation it is one that you CAN deal with and will be ok.. it will make the time that its over even more special..  

Post # 7
1778 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Mrs. Wallaby:  My bf wants to do this (Work off shore). I know the money is good, but him being gone for 2-3 weeks at a time makes me upset just thinking about it.

Post # 8
22 posts
  • Wedding: April 2012

My husband left right away for a deployment. Literally had like 4 days with him. Its not easy but its worth it to us. If you really aren’t happy with your job and its filtering over to your personal life I think you should make the change. If you really are unhappy thats not good for your marriage either. Even though long distance sucks, if you are able to get a job that you enjoy it will probably be beneficial to you and your marriage

Post # 9
2070 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

@FutureMrsBex:  PM me if you ever want to chat about it. Would he be an engineer or an operator? My husband’s an engineer so theoretically in a couple years he should have a desk job. The operators on the other hand don’t have a whole lot of options onshore, he works with guys who have been working offshore for 20+ years.

I have to say, the money is really good. We’re putting 20% down on a brand-new house in an expensive market thanks to DH’s job. I’m really grateful that we’re able to do that. When he’s home for the 2 weeks off, he’s like my house husband and takes care of everything around the house, gets my car washed and oil changed, etc. There are some big pros even though I miss him so much every 2 weeks.

Post # 10
1778 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

He’s an electrician, so I’m not sure what that would make him.  He was actually offered a job a month ago but turned it down because the position wouldn’t have him doing things he enjoys. 

Post # 11
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mayflowerbride13:  We did 27 months apart with him in Ireland and me in Boston. But it was early in our dating history (only after about 3 1/2 months of being together). We then did another 4 months apart after he graduated and got a job in Toronto but I was unable to leave my job straight away. 

The pros:

1) It really helped our communication. There is something to be said for not being able to “kiss and make up.” You gotta work that shit out over the phone – which means purely TALKING. 

2) You really appreciate the time you do have with that person and you make sure to make that time special.

Cons: Well its easy to see the cons because obviously you miss that person, it can be lonely – and expensive to travel back and forth. 

I personally don’t think I could do it again after marriage, but then again, I could easily see a 3 or 4 month seperation happening to us again (we’re moving around from country to country so much that it is easy for jobs and visa processes to work faster for one than the other). How long would the seperation be for? I think if you want to make something work, you can. People always ask how we did 27 months apart and really I have no idea. But NOT making it work just wasn’t an option – so we just found a way. 

I don’t know if that’s helpful, but feel free to message me with any questions. 🙂


Post # 13
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Also, because it sounds like you’re having a rough time at home with DH, let me tell you that it won’t magically get better by spending less time with him. You just don’t want to become so independent to the point where you feel like you don’t need him or miss him. You’ll have to put in the effort to keep communicating, or it won’t work out.

Post # 14
2261 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@mayflowerbride13:  DH was stationed in another part of the country when we first got married.  He only had about 10 months left in the service and we decided since we had already been in an LDR, it didn’t make senese for me to give up my job, when he only had 10 more months left.  Sounds reasonable and responsible and in hindsight, “maybe” we made the right decision financially. 

With that said…and please take this with a grain of salt because this is my own personal experience and it is different for everybody!  My one life regret is that we did spend the first 10 months of our marriage apart.  If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would.  I would have relocated to be near him.  We had been in a LDR our whole relationship.  Granted, it was a little extreme because of the military.  Because we rarely saw eachother, we missed out on ALOT.  I thought I was fine with it because that was the hand we had been dealt.  We didn’t have a choice.  BUT when we got married, we had the choice to be together and we made the choice not to.  Because of that, we missed so many special moments in our first year of marriage that I’ll never get back.  The glow of being newlyweds?  Gone because he left to go back to his post 5 days after the wedding.  Missing him desperately because we saw eachother twice in the first 10 months of our marriage…downright awful.  Granted, what we had gone through up until that point made our marriage rock solid and for that I am very greatful.  I just don’t think a job was worth sacrificing the specialness of being newlyweds.

And like I said, this is just my personal experience, which is the only experience I can give good insight on.  It definitely works for some couples! 

Post # 15
362 posts
Helper bee

I could never do it, to me my SO, kitty and our life together is absolutly the most important thing in my life and highest priority in my life.  Things like work, money, school etc are just not as important as being together (then again we aren’t having any of the problems you are).  If I was in your shoes I would find a new job, even if its not the most ideal, in the area you live so you can stay together and work on your relationship

Post # 16
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

@mayflowerbride13: Ive been doing LDR (although not married) for a year. Havent seen FI since August. Honestly, its made me appreciate him a whole lot more but i wouldnt do it again, its been tough

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