Long distance and engaged…

posted 2 years ago in Beehive
Post # 2
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yup, we did the same thing.  We were semi LD to begin with, then got engaged in December and he moved for work in February.  We were LD all through the rest of engagement and through our first year of marriage.  It’s a bummer.

How often are you going to get to see each other?  Can he plan a week or two of vacation for the wedding and honeymoon at some point?  

Post # 3
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Got engaged and then got accepted to gradschool, he in FL and I in NY. Both are one-of-a-kind programs and none of us wanted the other to compromise the other’s dreams. So… here we are after a whole year: alive and kicking harder than ever!

Suggestions? do a long-distance activity together: watch the same tv show while on skype, cook the same recipes, andd get “together” for dinner. FI and I decided to fold 1000 origami paper cranes (there’s a meaningful story behind this) and we meet on skype to fold them.

If you travel light, Spirit Airlines and Jet Blue will become your best friends, but a weekend once a month or two is glorious.

There are ways around everything, and there are some wonderful things about long distance relationships… You learn to trust, to value each moment together, to communicate and to not take each other for granted. It will make you stronger. 

Now… Do you absolutely want to get married once he’s back for good? why don’t you guys have a destination wedding somewhere in between? when can he ask for vacation? Why not have a small 10-20 people get together? Just throuwing ideas out there. 

Let us know how things evolve!

Post # 4
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

Stephieyl:  long distance is sucky no matter the distance. My husband and I are just now moving in together, the 2 years before that have been all long distance. Sometimes only an hour’s drive, others 7 or 8. It doesn’t seem that far till you add in the fact that I was a poor student and he doesn’t get a lot of time off. 

Lots of phone time if it’s possible! We would stay up all night talking about everything and those are some of the best memories of our early relationship. Skype will be your friend too! Watching the same movie and eating the same supper “together” was always a fun date for us. Wedding planning was easy because he picked the location and the day and left all the details to me. But if you don’t have a destination yet, it makes it difficult. 

Best of luck to you during this! Long distance make or break a relationship and I’m hoping this will make yours!

Post # 5
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Stephieyl:  We got engaged in March as well. We were long distance when we got engaged and we still are. He is living in a different province for school, and in a few months I will be joining him. But in total, we have been long distance for about 1.5 years. 

It has been interesting wedding planning. Partly because we are getting married in the province where he lives. So I am planning the wedding long-distance. Things have gone pretty smoothly so far.

In terms of thriving in an LDR, what has worked for us is to keep busy with our own lives. We have hobbies, hang out with friends, etc. When time allows, we talk pretty much every day. We have “study dates” over skype. Cheesy, I know, but it makes it feel like we are just hanging out with each other. Right now, we are also reading marriage books together. We each have a copy and we talk about the chapters or go through the questions together.

Even though we have been long-distance for quite awhile, it hasn’t been too bad. We get lonely and miss each other, but it is bearable. We dream about when we will get to finally live together, and that keeps us going. There has also never been a time when we have doubted whether we wanted to continue the relationship, that was never a question.

Post # 6
Member
1344 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

MrsMusicBird111:  That is very true. You value every moment together and you really learn to trust and communicate with each other!

Post # 9
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Stephieyl:  Here’s another idea: download one of those multi player app games like Draw Something or Words with Friends (formerly known in real board games as scrabble and pictionary)… you can play together, have fun, have a laugh or two, and each can do it at his/her own time!

Post # 10
Member
1981 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Stephieyl:  Welcome to the club! I was engaged shortly before I finished grad school and moved across the country for a REALLY great 1 year long job. Since I know I am coming back after I finish this job, we scheduled the wedding for a couple of months after I get back. Planning a wedding from a distance is not for the faint of heart, but it is do-able. I have interviewed many vendors over the phone and skype. Plus, I’m sure many places in Las Vegas have a TON of experience with long distance brides!

As for general advice for LDRs… it is hard, a lot of the time it is really hard- especially holidays and anniversaries (at least for me). The longest period of time we went without seeing each other was 5 months. It was rough, but we hardly ever skyped- I think once or twice in 5 months. I couldn’t talk to him on the phone every day because of our schedules and the time change- that was fine. We are two independent people and I think for an LDR to work, you need to be. We are confident in our relationship and we trust each other. An LDR does help you appreciate the precious time you get to spend together, and we try to send each other surprises! Flowers, sending his fav cologne, cards, etc. The best one was when FI surprised me with a HUGE card- and inside were envelopes that revealed he bought me a plane ticket to see him for Valentine’s day, and planned a wedding-related surprise every day of my trip! Cake tasting, visiting the venue, and he even made me a dress shopping appointment and arranged for my closest friends to be there. (I had been wedding dress shopping by myself and it was making me sad). I’m not gonna lie, I can’t wait to be together again, but it is doable! We are stronger now than ever before! 

Post # 12
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Stephieyl:  Long distance for almost two years now. He surprised me with a proposal in April before having to run right back across the country. What all are you most wondering about? I will answer any questions I can.

Post # 14
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Stephieyl:  Communication can be tricky. Much as skype is a wonderful invention, it has some pitfalls.

The other person can become just part of the computer pretty easily. You’ll find each other complacently browsing the net during your talk times. One person will suddenly want to talk, and the other will distractedly continue browsing. The one person will feel neglected and then go back to browsing, when person two will surface suddenly, wanting to talk, and the process will go around in a circle like that until both of you end your skype feeling neglected, unsatisfied, and taken for granted.  

This is something you have to work really hard and be intentional about counteracting, because it happens easily after a while of long distance. Replace some of your skypes with regular phone calls. Try to limit your distractions when skype is happening.

The other biggest thing – even though it is when you will both have time, DO NOT ALWAYS TALK AT NIGHT. Or at least not late at night. This seems like the perfect time, but in reality you are both tired but not fully aware of it, and the tiniest little things will make you and him disgruntled at each other until every one of your skype sessions breaks into a little quarrel at some point or another. It is weird, but it has happened with us and with every other long distance couple I know. Instead, just set time aside to talk when you both have energy and it is bright outside.

It may feel counterintuitive, but if you can only talk late at night for a couple days, just don’t talk except for a short phone conversation, texting, emails, etc. It is better to have four really good, positive, productive talks in a week than seven that are laboured, tired, grumpy, distracted, and petty. Better to come together excited after a brief reprieve than boredly talk past each other.

Long distance can be pretty tough, but when you get to a low point, please realize you won’t keep feeling like that forever. There are strange natural ebbs and flows in the difficulty of it, and a day where you think “how can I do this?” may be followed up a day later with “I totally got this!”

The good thing about it is that you really have to learn to be committed to loving the other person, even when you don’t feel it as much on an emotional level. You won’t have him to touch, smell, look at as he really looks, and that will take its toll to a degree. Your relationship will have moments of feeling very dry. It is hard, but it forces you to remember what you want, why you love your fiance sans the fluff and hormonal responses to him, and how you are going to stay that way. 

Growth through long distance relationships is not usually growth through pain or growth through marvelous good times together. It is growth through eventual complacency and status quo. It is fighting to break through that when it is settling in for too long. It is basically good prep for when that invariably will happen in marriage.

Hopefully none of that was too discouraging! Long distance is not ever truly ideal, but very manageable and can really teach you to appreciate getting to see the other person at the times you do, and my fiance and I have managed to flourish through it despite its challenges, so I fully believe you can too!

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