Weddingbee boards

Hello all, it's been a while! :) I'm 32 weeks away from my wedding, and something has come up.

Some facts about FI and I: we've been together for 8 years, we're very close and have lived together for 7 of those 8. We have our own house together.

Here's the situation: FI has been offered a job that pays him more than three times what he makes now. But it's in London, England (we live in SC). The job would provide him with a rent-free flat, tax free pay, a substantial sum for moving expenses, and a very good salary with potential for excellent bonuses. It would be for 2-3 years, and he gets 1 month in America per year and one week vacation per year, from what we've been told. If he took the job, he'd leave in about a month.

FI has always wanted to live overseas, but if he went, he'd be going alone. I'm committed to the family business here, and I absolutely can't leave, though my off time is extremely flexible (I can basically vacation when I want to for any amount of time, especially during winter).

Honestly, that's a long time to have to deal with a long distance marriage. In reality, I'd probably handle it better than FI, who is a much more emotional person. My rational mind sees this as an amazing opportunity to save up funds that we never would have been able to save up before. The long term benefit of that kind of money saved up would allow us to do many of the things we thought would take years and years to be able to. But I also know it would be hard, especially at first. FI is sensitive though strong in some ways (though he has anxiety issuse), and requires a lot of emotional care at times, and that's what worries me. And it's what makes him hesitant to do something like this- basically I hold him back, for all means and purposes, in my words. We have a very strong relationship, and I think with the right outlets, we could make things work, even if it isn't the ideal situation. Web cams, phone calls, emails, texts, which we do regularly during the day already. Plus if he really needed me over there for a while, we'd have the money to afford a flight.

I think I just need some perspective here, from people that have been in this situation, and anyone that has an opinion in general!

Wow, that's definitely a tough situation to be in but congrats to your FI on such an amazing opportunity. My sister and her husband are in a similiar boat except they are only 4 hours apart and get to be together every weekend pretty much. My advice is that you CAN do anything, it's just a matter of realizing the sacrifices and determining if those sacrifices are worth it. It will be through your first couple of years of marriage which are an extrememly special and important time as a couple. It will be a bit easier because you have already lived together so long so it's not like you need that time to adjust to living together. I think if you are both really committed to traveling and to each other then you can make this work. It might also be good for your FI to  have the opportunity to gain more emotional independence. Although, you need to be prepared for that to happen because he could come back more independent than you would like. I think you both just need to weigh the pros and cons and make the decision together.

Good luck with whatever decision you two make and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

We are going to be long distance for about 8 months after our wedding.  It's a really difficult thing to have to wrap your head around but we are in a similar situation to you--I received a job offer that I simply will not be able to replicate where we currently live (hard to put a factor on it since I am currently a student, but it's a lot, and a lot more than FI makes).  We were long distance for 2 out of the 5 years we were dating so I feel like it might be a bit easier for us because we sort of know how we operate at a distance but it still stinks to not get to be a real "newlywed" right away.  Also, I have found others to be extremely judgmental of our decision which does not make things any easier.

I think what you have to decide is what is the best thing for you as a couple.  I knew if I didn't take this job that I would be significantly damaging my long-term employment prospects and our short-term financial well-being.  He, like you, has a slightly more flexible arrangement and we will be able to fly him to where I will be working every other week.  The way I like to think of it is that we are making a short sacrifice in the scheme of things for the health of a relationship that I hope lasts forever.  It stinks that it is at the beginning of your relationship, but if you make the decision that it's work the sacrifice, it's only a short time in the overall years you will be married.

Anyway, I just wanted to commiserate because it's something that I totally relate to.

To answer the questions and thank you guys so much for your responses thus far! :) They are extremely helpful to me!

- I am the only person that can handle that part of the family business, so no, there is absolutely no one else that can do what I do.

- He has always been pretty able to stand on his own, he's always been that way in terms of his family, but with me, we're pretty connected, and my hope is that an experience like this would make him less vulnerable to any emotional effects that come with our infrequent arguments and issues. I'd like to see him more resilient.

- From what I know, and we do need more details in writing, he would have to be over there for 2-3 years, no less, as stipulated by a contract.

- My Dad's perspective is that companies really like to see employees make sacrificies and take risks, and this would put him in even better standing with them if he makes a go at it. So in a lot of ways, it is a very good opportunity. I see it as a short term sacrifice, as someone else mentioned.

- A lot of people I've spoken to that have been in 2-3 year relationships say that long distance (and they've all had between 6-15 months of it) is really hard. But the people I've spoken to have rocky, young relationships to begin with. Ours has withstood a number of issues, and we trust each other and love each other completely- I just feel like it would be different for us, I suppose.

I say go for it.  It is a sacrifice now but, like you said, it would give you a chance to save up and be well-prepared for your future, not to mention giving his career a boost. 

While it's not a 3-hour flight (sorry @ejs!), it is only a 6-hour direct flight from NYC to London.  And, Iceland is right in the middle!  For me it would really come down to numbers.  Look at what his salary will be, after conversion to USD and income tax here.  I wouldn't factor in his free flat or travel fees, since these costs wouldn't be necessary if you two lived together in the states.  Deduct the cost of your flying back and forth, his flying back and forth, and your lost income during vacation.  Do the numbers still make sense?  Do they make so much sense that you'd be a fool not to take it, or is it arguable that it's worth the first three years of your marriage?