Long-distance marriage: Where to spend Christmas without resentment?

posted 2 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

philodendron:  maybe im out of the loop and u addressed this, but how/why are you married but still long distance? this answer would factor into how i would handle the situation

short answer: this is very complicated…im usually not one that is fond of breaking already set up “rules” just bcus someone all of a sudden changes their mind, but in this case.. going to visit for 3 days is not worth it if there is a good chance you will end up resentful at the end of things. but it is a free trip, and they are family soo.. theres that.  ‘also give weight to how DH felt, you gave the solutions u all discussed, but i dont have an overall consensus on if he thinks you two should go see his parents or not.

I could give a more honest response if I knew why you were long distance still barring you are willing to share.

Post # 4
mswallabyBee
2070 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

philodendron:  spend Christmas together. If you’re going to take advantage of your in laws’ air miles, then you have to go along with their schedule. If having alone time is the most important thing, then fork over the money and spend the 3 days alone together – having been in a long distance marriage, that’s what I would do. Having alone time together is priceless.

Post # 5
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

philodendron:  somehow that didnt help me as much as I thought it would lol. but it does help that your long distance is a temporary situation and you seemingly have a really good reason, that said.. Id be a little ticked off with my husband for scheduling a trip right in the middle of our time, although his intent was good for wanting to volunteer, I selfishly would still have initially been upset, as you hinted at.

if your ILs are really set on you all being there AND DH really wants to see them, Id probably suck it up and go with him to see them just to be able to get some time with him. sure u likely wont be alone as much as u want, but you will at least be with him, you know? it could also potentially lead to a better relationship with your ILs.

I wouldnt have either of you fly to the other if it isnt financially plausible as that money could likely be better spent else where. 

as far as option 3, you staying at home may raise some eyebrows and lead to unneccessary drama with the ILs as they may take it personal, you never know. u may also end up pissed off at yourself for not going and even more mad at DH for even leaving you. 

I’d probably bite the bullet, tired and all, and go with option 1. u guys can have one on one and grab dessert on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. it doesnt have to be anything large just a small break from everyone else. make it a priority to do so. it doesnt need to result in a fight over time. also, it doesnt have to be a defined thing, maybe just sneak off for a walk or something if u are unable to get away.. hope it all works out.

Post # 6
Member
41867 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If he sees his folks 3-4 times per year, I vote for skipping Christmas with the IL’s. I would find the least expensive way for just the two of you to have Christmas together. Where is he volunteering? Is he paying his own airfare? Could he go a few days early and meet you there? Can you meet at his stopover city if he has one?

Post # 7
Member
6907 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

philodendron:  Your marriage comes ahead of in-law time! Spend Christmas together, alone. (Option 2).

Normally I would say option 1 (visit the inlaws because it’s the inlaws’ turn), but your situation is not normal.

p.s. This means that inlaws get the first Christmas (ahead of your family) when things return to normal and you’re not long distance. 

Post # 8
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

philodendron:  I am in a long distance relationship and Option #2 is what I would try to go with. If y’all only have 3 days, then spend them together. Then, go back to the schedule and spend next Christmas with the IL’s.

I think it’s only natural that your DH’s family wants to see him as well as you during the holidays, if they can. That’s reasonable and to be expected. And I think you shouldn’t be angry with them for wanting to see you two. I sure hope they won’t be upset if y’all decide to spend the holidays with just the two of you, but that’s the best option here.

mckey430:  I don’t understand why the reasons behind their long distance marriage would factor into the decision making at all.

Post # 9
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

well I understand and feel you. I too am in a long distance relationship and we decided early on that hey you can’t please everyone during the holidays. I am getting married in December and because of his work I will be spending my first christmas away from my family(he has already been away from his family) and I’m ok with it because I want to be with my new husband! i think you should just go be with your husband and spend some quality time. If you can spend the money go for it! I agree with pp time is priceless! good luck 😉 

Post # 10
Member
2681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

philodendron:  Long distance marriage as well and I would opt for option 2. Our relationship is a little easier than yours because we see each other more frequently and DH travels nearly every weekend. It is fairly easy to see each other.

Post # 11
Member
2681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

philodendron:  I think that if you are in a long distance marriage, your marriage and time together has to be prioritized over IL time. You can readjust and once it is no longer long distance

Post # 12
Member
10416 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

You alternate Christmases between your families, right?  Since this year, it’s his family, let him figure out the plans.  When it’s time with your family you can do the same – and request he not be volunteering right after!

Post # 13
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

MissMarple:  personal preference, i said it would factor in for me. I could care less if you agree (not being rude, literally saying). The reasons why im “long distance” in my relationship is bcus of poor communication and relates to my FILs, so being that in my situation I already had some lingering ill feelings toward them, I wouldnt advise OP to go on this trip to see them if she already had issues with them (as I did) cus that would all but guarantee resentment which isnt good for anyone.. BUT this is not the case for her as she stated her reasons why. so it doesnt matter.

Post # 14
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

mckey430:  Oh, okay, I said what I said because it didn’t cross my mind that someone could be long distance because of a family. So it wasn’t something I even considered, but now that you bring it up I definitely see your point. I hope you’re able to end the long distance soon, I think most of us LDR bees hope the distance ends sooner rather than later. 🙂

Post # 15
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

MissMarple:  lol yeah no prob. I put long distance in quotations cus fortunately we are only 2.5 hours away by car. were young (still in college) and he chose to stay in state due to his parents while he pushed me to go out of state, so i blame them. Its mad petty to be honest, but its the truth. i graduate in May so ill be movin back in state, and everything will be everything. thanks !

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