Post # 1
DH and I have been long-distance for 4 years. We got married last year and will finally move in together in about 1.5 years. For now we live on opposite ends of the country and see each other every 1.5 months or so.
It is our “turn” to spend Christmas with DH’s family, who live in the middle of the country and who see DH 3-4x/year. Between DH’s and my work schedules and DH doing an overseas volunteer trip leaving on Dec 27, we have only about 3 days during which either of us is free to travel over Christmas.
I am not close to my ILs and will find such a short trip both non-restful as well as challenging to spend quality time with DH after not seeing him for awhile since his family will also want to spend time with him. I am really starting feel resentful about the holidays: at my ILs for the prospect of having to share DH with them, and at DH for committing to this volunteer trip at the expense of time we could be spending together the week after Christmas.
DH and I have discussed possible solutions:
1) Visit the ILs as planned and establish a defined schedule in advance to ensure that DH and I get semi-equal quality time together and that we spend quality time with the ILs. Downside: 3 days is a VERY short period to have any semblance of quality with DH OR the ILs.
2) We break with tradition and spend Christmas at my place or DH’s place and enjoy some one-on-one time. Downside: Airfare is exorbitantly expensive during the week of Christmas. (Tickets are free to us if we visit ILs, since we would use their airline miles.)
3) We throw up our hands and decide it’s impossible to have quality couple time over Christmas. DH visits his family to at least see them again, and I stay home and don’t exhaust myself trying to compete with the ILs for DH’s time. Downside: DH and I don’t get to see each other.
What would you do? I am getting really frustrated with these options and don’t want to end up resentful because of the holidays.
Post # 2
philodendron: maybe im out of the loop and u addressed this, but how/why are you married but still long distance? this answer would factor into how i would handle the situation
short answer: this is very complicated…im usually not one that is fond of breaking already set up “rules” just bcus someone all of a sudden changes their mind, but in this case.. going to visit for 3 days is not worth it if there is a good chance you will end up resentful at the end of things. but it is a free trip, and they are family soo.. theres that. ‘also give weight to how DH felt, you gave the solutions u all discussed, but i dont have an overall consensus on if he thinks you two should go see his parents or not.
I could give a more honest response if I knew why you were long distance still barring you are willing to share.
Post # 3
mckey430: Good question. We are long-distance due to my schooling and DH’s work. We will reunite when I graduate.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor
philodendron: spend Christmas together. If you’re going to take advantage of your in laws’ air miles, then you have to go along with their schedule. If having alone time is the most important thing, then fork over the money and spend the 3 days alone together – having been in a long distance marriage, that’s what I would do. Having alone time together is priceless.
Post # 5
philodendron: somehow that didnt help me as much as I thought it would lol. but it does help that your long distance is a temporary situation and you seemingly have a really good reason, that said.. Id be a little ticked off with my husband for scheduling a trip right in the middle of our time, although his intent was good for wanting to volunteer, I selfishly would still have initially been upset, as you hinted at.
if your ILs are really set on you all being there AND DH really wants to see them, Id probably suck it up and go with him to see them just to be able to get some time with him. sure u likely wont be alone as much as u want, but you will at least be with him, you know? it could also potentially lead to a better relationship with your ILs.
I wouldnt have either of you fly to the other if it isnt financially plausible as that money could likely be better spent else where.
as far as option 3, you staying at home may raise some eyebrows and lead to unneccessary drama with the ILs as they may take it personal, you never know. u may also end up pissed off at yourself for not going and even more mad at DH for even leaving you.
I’d probably bite the bullet, tired and all, and go with option 1. u guys can have one on one and grab dessert on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. it doesnt have to be anything large just a small break from everyone else. make it a priority to do so. it doesnt need to result in a fight over time. also, it doesnt have to be a defined thing, maybe just sneak off for a walk or something if u are unable to get away.. hope it all works out.
Post # 6
If he sees his folks 3-4 times per year, I vote for skipping Christmas with the IL’s. I would find the least expensive way for just the two of you to have Christmas together. Where is he volunteering? Is he paying his own airfare? Could he go a few days early and meet you there? Can you meet at his stopover city if he has one?
Post # 7
philodendron: Your marriage comes ahead of in-law time! Spend Christmas together, alone. (Option 2).
Normally I would say option 1 (visit the inlaws because it’s the inlaws’ turn), but your situation is not normal.
p.s. This means that inlaws get the first Christmas (ahead of your family) when things return to normal and you’re not long distance.
Post # 8
philodendron: I am in a long distance relationship and Option #2 is what I would try to go with. If y’all only have 3 days, then spend them together. Then, go back to the schedule and spend next Christmas with the IL’s.
I think it’s only natural that your DH’s family wants to see him as well as you during the holidays, if they can. That’s reasonable and to be expected. And I think you shouldn’t be angry with them for wanting to see you two. I sure hope they won’t be upset if y’all decide to spend the holidays with just the two of you, but that’s the best option here.
mckey430: I don’t understand why the reasons behind their long distance marriage would factor into the decision making at all.
Post # 9
well I understand and feel you. I too am in a long distance relationship and we decided early on that hey you can’t please everyone during the holidays. I am getting married in December and because of his work I will be spending my first christmas away from my family(he has already been away from his family) and I’m ok with it because I want to be with my new husband! i think you should just go be with your husband and spend some quality time. If you can spend the money go for it! I agree with pp time is priceless! good luck 😉
Post # 10
philodendron: Long distance marriage as well and I would opt for option 2. Our relationship is a little easier than yours because we see each other more frequently and DH travels nearly every weekend. It is fairly easy to see each other.
Post # 11
philodendron: I think that if you are in a long distance marriage, your marriage and time together has to be prioritized over IL time. You can readjust and once it is no longer long distance
Post # 12
You alternate Christmases between your families, right? Since this year, it’s his family, let him figure out the plans. When it’s time with your family you can do the same – and request he not be volunteering right after!
Post # 13
MissMarple: personal preference, i said it would factor in for me. I could care less if you agree (not being rude, literally saying). The reasons why im “long distance” in my relationship is bcus of poor communication and relates to my FILs, so being that in my situation I already had some lingering ill feelings toward them, I wouldnt advise OP to go on this trip to see them if she already had issues with them (as I did) cus that would all but guarantee resentment which isnt good for anyone.. BUT this is not the case for her as she stated her reasons why. so it doesnt matter.
Post # 14
mckey430: Oh, okay, I said what I said because it didn’t cross my mind that someone could be long distance because of a family. So it wasn’t something I even considered, but now that you bring it up I definitely see your point. I hope you’re able to end the long distance soon, I think most of us LDR bees hope the distance ends sooner rather than later. 🙂
Post # 15
MissMarple: lol yeah no prob. I put long distance in quotations cus fortunately we are only 2.5 hours away by car. were young (still in college) and he chose to stay in state due to his parents while he pushed me to go out of state, so i blame them. Its mad petty to be honest, but its the truth. i graduate in May so ill be movin back in state, and everything will be everything. thanks !