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We were apart for less than 2 years. And we were already engaged too. We ended up seeing each other about every three months or so. So I guess that helps. But still excruciating. Obviously knowing we were engaged and there was a definite end in sight made it easier.
I applaud lasting four years. So where will you be living? In Canada? It's also hard because involved in a long distance engagement is not only the stress of getting married, but usually one person (maybe both) dealing with the stress of moving. Tough stuff.
Washington to Iraq and now Oregon to Kuwait.
What makes it work?
We read together every single night. We set aside one hour of almost everyday at the same time to talk and then read.
At first we could only see each other 3 times a year. But now we see each other every 8 to 10 weeks.
Also, we never focus on how much we miss each other but how much we're looking foward to upcoming events.
He works 7 days a week 4 months at a time, so this means I do twice as much traveling. I found a job that I enjoy in my field that allows me to take time off (unpaid of course) for this kind of travel. I also try to plan "events" that keep me focused 2 to 4 weeks at a time as opposed to pining away for the 8 or 10 weeks to pass.
What tricks do others have?
@tanya123 - my FI is from Calgary but got a golf scholorship to Texas so once he was finished his schooling after the 4 years he came home to me, and has been home since (2 years now)
It was hard the first year I only saw him when he came home for Christmas then when he was finished in the summer his next 2 years I saw him maybe 4 or 5 times in the year. His 4th year however I got to see him every couple of months which was fantastic!
We talked on the phone nearly everynight, at least to say good night, we emailed quite a bit too, etc.
I look back at it now and its crazy all the things we dealt with but was worth it to be with him the rest of mt life!
@Mizuno - what a crazy distance! but its so nice to hear that you both have such positive thinking - not dwelling over the distance but focusing on how much you miss one another, that is the best way to look at it (however the distance must make your heart break once in a while, you're only human! ha ha)
We were together for two years of high school, then starting with college we were long distance Washington DC - New York state for two years, and this year has been Italy - New York state. Next year we go back to both being in the US and while it will still be distance I think it's going to feel really easy! We'll go back to seeing each other about once a month or so. I'm so excited for us to actually have the same home once we're married but I know the separations won't be over even then, since he's in the military. At any rate, for now I am just focused on going back to the US and seeing him again for the first time since January 3!
I love the feeling of beating the odds too. I think long distance has really forced us to become even better at trust and communication, and we are just very emotionally close as a result. Of course we have matured as people and in our relationship, and long distance has only strengthened that effect. Getting married and living with him is going to feel so wonderful, and also be such an adjustment. I'm excited. :-)
Yup. People usually doubted us. Let's see...my FI and i were together for 2 semesters at school (with a summer apart in between) then he was stationed 30 minutes away for a few months.....then I lived in Savannah with him for 2 months....then he was in GA and I was in MO....then I moved to Seattle for a summer....then i moved back to MO to finish college and he got deployed for 15 months....now he's back in GA and i'm still in MO cuz i got a sweet job. We've been doign this for about 4 years or so now....we're getting married a little after our 4.5 year anniversary...NEXT MONTH! WHOOHOO.
We aqctually get to live together in November when he gets out of the Army though. So there's our second celebration! haha
My tricks were a) being in college b) finding a job c) planning a wedding d) AMAZING sorority sisters and friends and e) taking advantage of the fact that he was gone to indulge all those things i ever wanted to do, like gym classes, ballet, cooking, etc. I adopted two cats....
and i ALWAYS counted down to the next time i'd get to see him. Every week apart was a week closer. Light at the end of the tunnel ladies!
My philosophy was that i'd rather spend all this time without him to have him in the end....than not have him at all and have someone else. That mantra alwqays reminded me a harder relqatinship with him was better than an easier one with someone else.
I dated FH a whole whoppin' month before I moved back to CA and he stayed in NY. When we started dating I really didn't think the relationship would last since we only had a month of dating behind us. Sometimes life is funny like that though because we've been together 4 years now. Unfortunately we only see each other about every 3 -4 months. Sometimes it's only for a weekend, and sometimes it's for a week. Christmas break is the longest at 10 - 14 days. Luckily, the end is in sight. He graduates June 12th and we get married the 13th. From that point on we can live together (minus 6 weeks of training he has in Oklahoma and any time he's deployed).
For us I think that one month together really cemented our relationship in the beginning. Although, it was only one month, it was one month we spent together in a military college. All that stress and pressure that comes from a bootcamp like environment acted like a cruicible for us. In that environment you don't put on facades and the real you shines right through, so we knew about each other and who we really were real quick. I hate being away from him, but I love how the distance has forced us to communicate in ways we never would of if we could simply see each other every day. It's definitely made us stronger for it.
My FI and I dated for about 2 months during the summer before he went back to school on the east coast in Philadelphia. He had already been going there, I just didnt realize it until about a month or so into dating! Before he left to go back to school, we figured we had only been dating a couple months and we would "see what happens". I did not date anyone else, he went on a couple dates but when he came home a couple months later on break in October, he realized I was "the one" and didnt date anyone else.
We were apart for a little over 2 years. It was hard not seeing him that much, but we got to see each other every 2-3 months. I went out to Villanova 3-4 times and he would come on October break, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter and summer. We talked every day and completely trusted each other.
I think by being long distance in the beginning of the relationship, we got through the hardest part first. Everything after that seemed easy. But I completely agree, I love beating the odds. I had SO many people (not family, but friends and co-workers) tell me it would never last. And almost 6 years later we are still together and getting married next month!
I second the statement made above about getting through the difficult stuff first. The physical is put on hold in a distance relationship and you experience your emotions and you want to talk about it. So, you end up confronting these things first, because you have no choice.
It makes everything so much better.
If you can survive the distance, you can survive marriage.
It will be, as they say, CAKE. well, almost. But you have learned to communicate which many relationships lack.
I love hearing all the stories of you all staying together through the distance and making it work! Its insprirational most definetly for those women on here who are, and still will be enduring the long distance relationships myself, and others have had!
@mizunoheaven - "if you can survive the distance, you can survive marriage" - perfect! agreed by many I can only imagine!
Our stories are so similar! We were friends in high school, went to prom as friends, and the summer before college decided to date - then came August and the prospect of being 3 1/2 hours apart for college. We stayed together, did the distance thing for 4 years, and we've been back in the same city for 2. We're not officially engaged yet, but we're definitely planning on marriage. Congratulations on your success, too! We saw each other anywhere from ever 2 weeks to every month...depending on what was going on for each of us on weekends with other committments. I agree with you though - how great is it to beat the odds. :)
yeah, we've been long-distance our entire relationship
met him in times square at a bar it was his last day of a year of travelling and working, I was drawn the minute I met him and knew he was someone I wanted in my life.
We've been doing the inter-continental thing for two years now, gives me a reason to travel to Europe a lot.
The hardest part is when we say goodbye, he hates it when I cry, so I wait til he leaves, we survived by skype, we chat everyday or every other day; we see each other every 3 months and I am very blessed my sister is a flight attendant so we saved bigtime on tickets, if it weren't for her our wedding would never be
plus we are both very frugal so we could save for our next trip, we both have the same family and religious values even though we are different races and we just plain love each other
I think it's the love and commitment that helps you beat the odds, if it's really meant to be it will happen no matter what, I had no idea, but I am very happy we are now engaged, I always knew there was something good about this that was worth pursuing and not letting it go, it's just an instinct you have, we nearly gave up because it ws painful, but it was too good a thing to let go, my friends would say how can you do it, anther said what are you going to do with this, but deep in my heart I knew it had a chance of working
Plus I have an amazing circle of friends I have a good time with in the city, my girlfriends and I have so much fun so it helped me through the lonely nights when I was missing him, which is why I invited all 18 of them, litttle do they know they helped me with my relationship and surviving the odds
It also makes you appreciate every minute with each other, you don't focus on the small things and don't take each otehr for granted when you are with him because your time is precious, it makes your time together much sweeter
My FI and I started dating long distance! We had mutual friends in college and we took a semester off to work. One weekend he came back to visit and we realized that we had feelings for each other. He left to go back to work (it was only February!) and we emailed for a few months, which turned into weekly phone calls. He came for one more visit at the end of the semester & we officially began dating. And when that weekend ended - he went right back to work.
We did long distance all that summer & it was really hard. He was working for a branch of the forest service that had him traveling to remote forests all over the western US. He had to call me (and really work to find cell phone reception or a payphone) or make special trips into the nearest town library to use email. But he was able to visit every other month or so.
We did this for the next two years. We spent the year together at college. He graduated and went back to the forest service for the summer and next fall semester while I student taught. That winter he decided to switch jobs for many reasons, but one was being able to see me regularly.
These days, though, I wish he had keep working for that branch of the Forest Service. He would probably have a full-time postition now, instead of setting himself back and still working seasonally. It would have been hard, but I think we could have done it. I tell him all the time that if he has to go somewhere without me, I'll be okay.
What everyone has said so far is right: long distance really makes you closer. I trust him and he feels sure about me. Why make all the effort for someone you don't think is right for you? It also makes me more sure about our decision to get married. I know we can make it through everything -- our communication skills are supurb! There's no room for vague sighs or "it's fine" when you've only got an hour or less to talk at night!
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I think that's one of the best things about long distance you both have to be very secure and trusting, if you are insecure about your love it would never last if you didn't trust each other it wuld never last
I never worried about him going out and he never did with me, we were both secure, sure there were beautiful people around us but they could have been a sack of potatoes, he feels the same way, he says they may as all well be guys
I agree with ilovenycmissie: you definitely have to have trust, or the long-distance thing doesn't cut it.
My FI and I started out long distance. He's in the UK and I'm west coast; we never would have started a relationship with that sort of distance if we didn't immediately think that this could be the most important relationship of our lives. That's the great thing about long-distance: you know right off the bat whether or not it's worth it.
That said, we've been really lucky to see each other for about a week or so every month, and I was in a position to move to the UK this summer. I really admire the people that can survive years in an LDR - but I am not one of them! This has been one of the hardest things I've done, and if I had known beforehand just how sad and pathetic and weepy I'd get during our separations, I would not have signed up for this - no way, no how. Luckily I had no idea. 
I feel like a weinie when I compare my long-distance travails to some of yours. ^_^ We went to the same college, so we were only long-distance during the summers for 3 years. But ever since graduation (about 3 years) we've been long-distance and even that's only been a distance of an hour or two. But even though we're not really far away from each other, between working weekends and his crazy school schedule we see each other every couple weeks.
Not gonna lie, it's still hard sometimes even though I know Mr. Spin and I have it pretty easy compared to some. I agree that it does force you to talk through things instead of patching them over with sex or distraction. Though, man. It can be really hard to talk about things on the phone and make sure that things aren't taken the wrong way. ^_^ We've definitely learned there are a lot of different types of silences and that you can't just jump to conclusions when someone doesn't answer right away. ^_^
I've never had anyone say "Oh it won't work" but it sucks to see the doubt in people's eyes when you say, "Oh, we're LD." Because I do worry sometimes. I mean, even though we love each other so much, it is also true that we haven't been in the same city for more than a week in almost 3 years. It's weird and I have to remind myself that the trust and the love make us stronger, and the time apart makes us stronger. I'm going to remember "if you can survive the distance, you can survive marriage."
Hey everyone, let's see...it's been about four years long distance relationship, with another year to go. We've seen each other at most THIRTY DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR!!! We've kept our relationship going through phone, emails, and letters. The distance apart has always been at least 1000 miles. And at least two time zones.
Hmmm...let me count. By the time we get married, it'll be 2 years and 4 months since we started doing the trans-Atlantic relationship.
He's a teacher, and I'm a government drone, so there isn't a lot of time off for us. We've lucked out this year with UK half-terms lining up with Monday US government holidays!
I'm with peaches in that we see each other for a total of a month for an entire year. Sucks big time. I also agree with ilovenycmissie that you have to have a lot of trust in your long distance relationship to make it work. I have no problems with my FI going out with the guys or his fellow teachers.
Most people I know see that I'm secure in my relationship with FI. They're really happy for us. However, they're more worried about how we're going to survive on one income while his conditional green card is processed and while looking for a job in a poor economy. Sure, I worry about that too, but I believe he's got skills that will get him a job eventually. We've already decided to scale back the wedding and will tighten our belts until it all works out. And it will work out!
Hi Chantellamus! I know how you feel - my FH and I have been in a long distance relationship for four years now, and we will continue to be until we are married in two years. So six years total by the time of the wedding! We attend separate colleges and separate states, and he has had commitments that have kept him away during summers. We are from the same hometown, but that hasn't helped us get to see each other much. Luckily it does help around holidays, though.
I don't know about the rest of you bees, but the way we got through this distance is by learning to talk to each other incredilbly well (and having free mobile-to-mobile minutes, haha). Talking a lot, and often, makes us feel less far away from each other.
Everyone talks to me about how long-distance relationships stink, but for us, it has worked well. We've had the time to do our own "stuff" while we're young while still remaining committed to each other.
I am so proud of the rest of you bees!
Gemstone, the pattern of your relationship sounds similar to mine - we're from the same town so that helps (though my parents now live 45 minutes away). While distance has been hard at times, I wouldn't change it because we both followed our dreams and goals and "stuff" during our college years and really had our own lives - while staying a couple. I see that as a blessing and a strength for us. But at the same time I very much look forward to the beginning of what will truly be our life. :-)
I never thought i'd be a LDR person, but me too! I met my guy while studying abroad in the USA. Our casual dating unexpectedly escalated in my last month in California but we didn't plan to stay together when I left. Somehow we just couldn't stop talking to each other. I had been home for about 2 weeks when he booked a trip to come out and visit me and once that visit happened we were pretty much done for - it was obvious that we had something special.
For 13 months we went on living 1500 miles apart and seeing each other for a few days every two months. But part way through that time he decided that he'd move up to be with me when he finished school. Now we live about an hour apart just across the border from each other. Some people consider that long distance but it really doesn't compare to living an entire country apart.
I think that always having something to look forward to really kept us going. When I moved away he planned his trip to come out and see me within weeks. After he visited me I booked my trip to come out and see him in a matter of days. After 6 months of long distance he decided he'd move up north by the end of the year. Having a defined goal really helped me push through.
In the end long distance relationships are hard - but not nearly as hard as I'd thought.
My fiance and I started out long-distance, and spent the first three years of our relationship that way. We met when I started grad school in 2003 (he was in his third year when I started) but we weren't really friends, just acquaintances, and then in mid-2004 his thesis advisor moved to another university in the other side of the country. He roadtripped his way across the US and posted a bunch of pictures of the trip in his website and sent the link to a bunch of friends and friends-of-friends (I was in that second category at the time). One of the pictures caught my eye and I emailed him to talk about it, so we emailed for a few days. A few weeks later he emailed me after he saw something I had posted in my website. We then continued emailing for a while, and slowly realized we had started liking each other through email, then IM, then txt messages, then phonecalls. Shortly after the start of the fall semester I flew over to visit him and we decided to enter into a relationship, regardless of the long distance.
We took turns flying to visit each other. Sometimes we'd visit once a month, sometimes every other month, but we talked on the phone every night and we were always emailing and IMing all day long. The hardest part of every visit was always the goodbye at the airport, and as time went by it got harder and harder to say goodbye. We also spent holidays together, usually Thanksgiving/Christmas with his family and New Years/Three Kings Day with my family. There was one time, very early in our relationship, when I got really sick and he took a last-minute red-eye flight over to take care of me. I wasn't expecting him to do that, nor did I ask him to. That's how I knew he was a keeper :)
Three years later in 2007 he graduated with his PhD and got a postdoc position back in the east coast, where I do my thesis research. From then on we moved in together and there would be no more 3,000 miles separating us ever again. We got engaged after about a year of living together, a few months away from our four-year anniversary.
Even though the long distance wasn't too bad and we handled it pretty well (plus we both kept busy with our graduate work, me with classes and him with his thesis), we definitely don't want to be long-distance again. Next fall he's starting a new job which is about two hours away from where we live, and he's going to commute by train so that we don't have to be separated again. He won't be commuting for too long though, because I should graduate about a year after he starts his new job and then we'll most likely move there. But yeah, we don't want to be long distance again. Three years was enough.
Its wonderful hearing all these stories! just shows how much us girls can overcome to be with the men we love!
K610 I agree completely -- definitely a blessing and something that makes the relationship much stronger. And I think it makes it that much sweeter to be starting a life actually together!!! I can't wait and I am happy for you too!
Our wedding will mark our 2nd year apart. We both lived and worked in London when we met and it was so hard to go from a relationship together everyday to being apart and then planning a wedding apart! We were living together and working together and then I needed to move back to the States and only had three weeks to make the move and re-adjust.
When I moved I thought the long distance thing was going to be hard because I was unsure if I would move back, how much we see eachother and if everything would work out. We fell lucky that he could visit every few weeks (more often than I thought he could), we could of took stock in airline companies honestly and after the first year apart he proposed and thats where we are now!!
We skype every morning, we even stretch together on webcam before we both head out for our morning jogs hehe. Emails, letters (love the letters), video skype calls and spending the time he is here doing everything we love (like going out to eat and movies) and just doing the day to day (cooking and grocery shopping).
See thats the short short take on all of it but its so hard when 1/3 of your whole relationship consists of three thousand miles from one another. We have "us" but our lives are so different day to day when we are apart. Sometimes I think the wedding is an afterthought to how excited we are to be TOGETHER again and how amazing it is going to be to wake up every morning in eachothers arms forever.
I mean do not get me wrong, weddings are lovely, the dress, the guests and the first dance... but I am more excited to be with my baby... and call him my husband.
My fiance and I started dating during my break between college and grad school. I really wasn't looking for a relationship because I knew I was leaving soon. But we got close during those months. And although there was only about 300 miles between us, it was difficult for us to see each other. He decided to go back to school back home, plus work, plus not owning a car made it hard for him to visit. I had so much studying and clinic work it was virtually impossible for me to go home. I think it was harder on him than it was on me because I had so much work to keep my mind off of him. But we made it work, all 4 years I was away. Now its been over 6 years and we're getting married next year.
I loved mizunoheaven - "if you can survive the distance, you can survive marriage"
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Hiya hive!
I was in a 4 year long distance relationship with my now FI - he went to university in Texas while I was in Calgary.
I loved beating the odds that long distance never works out, blah blah blah. It was hard I will tell you that, but worth it now that we have our own house, are engaged and waiting to spend the rest of our lives together
Now I am wanting to find the other Bees who have been in long distance relationships who are now engaged to the ones the love unconditionally throughout the distance! what made it easier to cope? how often did you see one another? how far was the distance and for how long?