- 6 years ago
- Wedding: November 1999
Ladies, for those of you in a long distance relationship like myself, I need some advice or at least some common ground.
My fiance and I were apart for a good two months recently. I have just come back home from spending a month with him and will see him a few more times before going back to do my final year of university. But there’s lots of little things that are bugging me at the moment.
To get something clear about me first, I am prone to high anxiety and usually let worrying take over my life. I experience anxiety attacks and these usually come and go with normal periods in between. I have a history of clinical depression in my family, and I do worry that I am susceptible to it as well. My fiance is aware of this and is very supportive, but I still feel terribly guilty. I also tend to self-question a lot and think the worst.
Secondly: When we first got together from our time apart, it was amazing, but somehow it was a bit disappointing as well. I had this fairytale vision of him and us to try and compensate for the length of time we weren’t together, and sitting exams and working at the same time meant we didn’t Skype as much. But when we finally got together, it was like “Ah, this isn’t Prince Charming who can do no wrong, it’s my man, real and lovely but sometimes annoying”. I did get over that in the end, but I still remember it.
The month of living together was alright mostly. But came with all those teeny revelations you find about your partner, making a mess, not picking up his socks, leaving the dishes (although fairly unintentionally). But we did try and have fun times, and I met his friends from work, all good stuff etc.
But the stark bit was how when it was coming up for me leaving to go home, I wasn’t dreading it as I usually do. It reminded me of when we first started going long distance, and my way to deal with it was to go emotionally numb. (My counsellor who I was seeing for family and personal reasons said this was an akin reaction to grieving and perfectly common). This time around, I did not feel as painfully miserable about the parting as I usually do when we visit for just say a weekend. I wasn’t even lovey-dovey, I just felt nothing, apart from looking forward to our wedding plans going further, planning the next visit.
But my anxiety is consuming me over why I feel this way, not many tears, not much romance, just mainly feeling void. My mind feels detached from my heart and is making out “you’re out of love, you don’t miss him as much as he misses you, even though you’re feeling so scared of your own thoughts and feeling guilty”. But I have normal periods where there are no anxiety attacks and it’s like “anxious me” is a completely different person.
I don’t want this to ruin my relationship. I love my fiance even though I have all these negative thoughts. I love being engaged and am looking forward to my wedding. I’m just so scared I’m going to let my constant self-questioning and anxiety take over and I’ll push him away permanently.
Please help, if you have any advice or have been there before with something similar. 🙁