- 2 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
I’ve been very, very absent in these boards over the last few months, and I apologize. I’ve been working a tremendous amount of mandatory overtime lately at work, and have had little time to myself. That said, I need some serious advice on what to do regarding a huge fight with my family. FYI: I will be providing as many details as possible, not to bore anyone or to write a book, but to help you ladies gain some understanding on the situation. If you don’t have time or patience to read this, I understand! But those that do, please hang in there.
My wedding is just about one month from now, May 31 2014. These past two years have been the busiest of my life, having lost my grandfather whom was my entire world, switching jobs, working lots of overtime, etc. My family, for the most part, has remained interested but at the same time detached from my wedding, perhaps because I’m the third grandchild to be married (yet the second oldest) and this is the third wedding in a row. I’ve also never been satisfied with the status quo in my dysfunctional family, and because I tend to be an individualist who speaks her mind good, bad, and indifferent, I tend to inadvertantly kick the proverbial hornet’s nest which makes my family ostrasize me, for the most part. (It’s been this way pretty much my entire life:The only two folks who treated me as an equal, accepted me for me, and included me was my mother’s parents, my Gram&Poppy, who have both passed on. My Grama back when I was 12 years old, and my Pop just two years ago.)
They’ve all mostly kept to themselves, except for the last six months. I’ve been criticized on everything, from not getting married in a Catholic church, to my choice of wedding gown, to my choice of venue, my guest list, etc. and so on. I’ve kept my mouth shut as much as possible, given my inherent temper, but lately I’ve had enough and I guess you could say, have blown my top.
My parents have been divorced since I was born, (30 years now) and they can’t stand each other. So I’ve constantly been harassed by BOTH parents about how: “Your mom does more for your older brother than you and bitched to me about having to contribute $3,000 towards your wedding, the BITCH!” and, “Your father was always a deadbeat that never paid me a dime for your brother and you, and now all of a sudden he demands that both of us contribute to helping you pay for your wedding!”, and so on, so forth. They’ve been constantly “reminding” me about how I need to do my seating charts for the wedding&reception, about how they refused to be in a photo together with me on my wedding day, and as said earlier, constantly feeling the need to dig up the past just so they can use me as a battering ram to belittle the other parent with nasty names and insults. My fiance right now is at odds with my old man, because, being a typical overprotective father, he has had not one, but *THREE* man-to-man talks with my fiance about how he needs to get a second job to bring in more money and what-not. And my dad, who is not always the most tactful guy, demanded this in a rather condescending manner which really pissed off my future husband. So I’ve been constantly hearing from future hubby about how much he can’t stand my father, because he never did anything for me growing up and has been living on disability and in legal bankruptcy for several years and he feels that my dad has no place to judge. Honestly, I can see *BOTH* sides of the story, but when I refuse to take either my dad’s side or fiance’s, I’m left feeling like the bad guy. *sigh* My parents also made it a point to remind me that, “Since we’re both helping pay for the wedding, you *HAVE* to invite X,Y,Z” (understandably) including a second cousin on my mother’s side who I barely know or care about if he’s coming and his wife and mother.
- One of my aunts, (mom’s sister) bought my wedding gown for me in lieu of my grandparents–she said, “If your grandparents were here, they’d have wanted to purchase your gown for you. So as part of your wedding gift, I am buying your gown and it will be a gift from your Gram and Poppy.” I thought they was overly generous, and I tried to politely decline, but my aunt felt insistant and would not take no for an answer, so I reluctantly-yet-gratefully accepted. Part of the deal was she would purchase it for me and pay for alterations at the bridal salon on her credit card. I warned her that it wasn’t a wise choice to pay for alterations at David’s Bridal, as their prices are highway robbery, but she insisted. Okay, so, the day of my first fitting, she flipped shit because the alterations came to almost $400!!! I told her that’s why when the gown came in I should take it elsewhere, but instead of being nice and diplomatic about it, she was nasty and sent me a text saying, “I hope you’re happy now!” I mean, talk about feeling horrible! I then sent her a rather curt text message back, saying, “Fine. I will send you a check for the alterations cost as soon as I get paid.” I never heard back from her.
- My great-aunt, mother’s aunt. She wouldn’t let go of the fact that I am a non-practicing Roman Catholic, and therefore refused to get married in the Catholic church. She went so far as to gossip to the rest of the family, my mother included, about how my marriage was going to be “invalid” in the eyes of God. My mother actually stuck up for me on this one, since my mother hasn’t had ties to the church since before her divorce finalized, but that didn’t stop the constant nagging from her. I got so irritated with my great-aunt that I snapped: “I don’t care about a marriage being ‘valid’ in the eyes of God; what I *DO* care about is the marriage being valid in the eyes of the State of Connecticut law!” Ooo, she didn’t like that comment at all, and so she tried resorting to guilt-tripping by saying, “Poppy would have wanted to see you married in the church.” Also, very recently, she made a few low-blow comments in regards to my wedding makeup and where I was getting my cake from. She spoke ill of my mother’s oldest best friend who did the makeup for my proms back in high school, saying: “I hope she isn’t doing your wedding makeup; she made you look like a two-dollar bill whore on all your prom nights!” COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR. NOBODY thought my makeup made me look like a whore! She even had the nerve to tell my mother this, and it was all my mother could do to not tell her to f*** off! When I told her the bakery who was doing my cake, she scoffed and told me, “REALLY??! Their pastries and cakes are greasy and too sweet! Why didn’t you ask *US* in the family first where to get your wedding cake done? They’re HORRIBLE!” So I snapped, “Well, then, I guess you don’t need to have any cake if that’s the way you feel. And by the way, who do you think bought the cake? Unless you’re contributing to the cost, you have no say.” That sparked the beginning of a third world war, as she accused me of having an attitude problem.
- Most recent fight with a cousin sparked drama amidst my whole mother’s side of the family. One of my cousins was recently admitted to the hospital. He’s had Chrohn’s diseases for about ten years now, and due to his obstinance in seeing his G.I. doctor when her first experienced pain, he ended up in the ER and needing surgery. I’d like to say I feel sorry for him, but he knows that with his condition and the colon cancer that runs in our family, that he can’t just brush off pain or weird bowel issues when they come up. So he ends up needing surgery. Okay, I *DO* and *DID* feel bad for him in that regard. However, the night he got admitted through the ER, he goes on my Facebook account and finds a status update I had posted that was already four days old, and decided to lecture me for two paragraphs about how I post too much information on Facebook, and that “even if the rest of the family doesn’t have the nerve to tell you, *I* do”, et.al. A few select relatives on my mother’s side saw his comment, liked it, and backed him up on it. Well, perhaps I overreacted, (even fiance thinks this) but with all the stress that’s been going on lately in my family, I blew up. I threw out a few F-bombs, told him it was none of my business what I decided to post online, and that if he was so ill and laid up in the hospital, why did he choose *THAT* time as an opportunity to read through my old Facebook statuses, only to call me out on it? It was not a status update that had anything to do with my wedding, family, sex life, etc. It was simply an update bitching about how one of my credit cards raised my limited without informing me. That’s it. And he chose that time, being laid up in the hospital, to pontificate about how I’m too open-mouthed online. Once my family began chiming in and siding with him, I blew up at all of them and told them that if they had issues with what I do or do not post, then they needed to take it up directly with me instead of jumping on the bandwagon with a young man who made several wrong decisisions in his life in the recent past and is no angel himself. Immediately I started getting IMs and comments from above-mentioned aunts, as well as from his sister, telling me to back off and that I’ve been being a total bitch lately to everybody and that it was uncalled for. Since then, I have tried reaching out, not so much to apologize, but to smooth things over and have not been successful. And guess what? My bridal shower is TOMORROW.
Now, as a side note, it needs to be mentioned that I am going off a couple of antidepressants (I have anxiety, depression, and up&down moods) as recommended by my doctors to prepare to conceive a child. A lot of what I might normally be able to deal with has been much harder having to wean off these meds. I’d love to explain that to some of them, however, they stigmatize mental illness and believe that meds are a crutch and not necessary, since mental illness was all “in the head.”
Ladies, I just have *NO* idea what to do anymore. My wedding is one month away, my bridal shower is tomorrow, and almost everyone on my mom’s side of the family, (including my mom herself) are upset with me, telling me that I’m the one who started and caused all the drama. Perhaps they’re partially right in a sense, as snapping at others only perpetuates the cycle, but after two years of keeping my mouth shut and trying to be diplomatic about this being *MY* wedding (and fiance’s) I’ve just had enough. I apologize that this is super, super long–but can anyone please advise me as to what to do? I’m dreading tomorrow and my wedding day like you have no idea.