- 4 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014 - Glen Sanders Mansion
My mom and I have always had a love/hate relationship. She was young when she decided to malke a baby, and was just 19 when I was born. she often says she “grew up” with her girls (I have 3 younger sisters). On top of that, she has displayed attention seeking behavior in the past, but to those who don’t know her it just seems like she has a loud and vibrant personality. I think what may make matters worse is that my mom is attractive and definitely does not look her age (she will be 50 this year), and she makes sure she is always noticed. As an FYI, my dad was never really in the picture and passed away 8 years ago.
Our wedding will cost, after everything is said and done (including hair, makeup, dress, tux,flowers, etc) about $30k. We are very fortunate in that FI’s parents are contributing about $15k. My mom is paying for everyhing I will be wearing from head to toe (about $2k total). There have been several times throughout the wedding planning where my mom has called our decisions into question. For instance, my family is very small compared to FI’s And so he obviously has a larger guest list than I do. When it came time to planning the rehearsal, I told my mom we were having a hard time finding an inexpensive yet nice place to hold It. her suggestion was that I cut down the wedding guest list on FI’s side (even though Im closer to those invited from his side than I am to many on my side). I explained that was impossible and when she continued to make that recommendation and then asked why I felt the need to “kiss their ass” and include so many of fi’s family, I pointed out they’re paying for half the wedding. She screamed, ranted and raved and hung up on me. She then proceeded to send text messages and emails that continued to state I was “kissing their ass” by inviting so many members of FI’s family and that I should buck tradition and not have a rehearsal dinner (even though i never said I did not want to host a rehearsal dinner). She went so far as to say she and my grandparents wouldn’t attend the dinner because they would have to get home(??). She also said I was ridiculous to have so many BMs (8) and I should have just had a small wedding. Mind you my mom has never had a big wedding despite being married three times. she just got married for the third time a little over a year ago and my sisters and I weren’t even invited (neither were his kids). They planned an out of state wedding for just the two of them. Even though my mom never had a large wedding, she was actually in two wedding bands for about 12 years so she knows what a traditional wedding entails.
Anyway,this has always been my mother’s pattern. If you say something she disagrees with or finds insulting, she yells, swears, says “Im your mother” as if that allows her to be rude and disrespectful, and then hangs up on you. She has been doing this to me for years. Eventually she just starts talking to you again as if her behavior never occurred.
last Saturday was my bridal shower. On Friday morning, my mom went to the ER with a panic attack. She was released around 5pm and that was that. my shower started at noon the following day. I arrived around 12:20. My mom (not surprisingly) didn’t get there until 12:40. I was hurt that she couldn’t show up on time for an important event. There were guests who traveled over two hours in lousy weather who still got there on time. When she arrived, i immediately greeted her at the entrance so as to avoid her trying to make a grand entrance – she actually started to walk in and announce to everyone loudly “sorry I’m late” but I interrupted her. she also tried to draw attention to herself throughout the shower with pictures, saying she should have been seated at the table of bridesmaids, etc.
here is where it all came to a head. My mom called me tonight and after having a trying week at work, I admit I was distracted when she was speaking to me. I let her know at some point that I had my hair and makeup trial today. we then started talking about whether or not she would have hers done and when she would have to get to the venue where everything is happening on our wedding day. I told her two or three times how important it was that she get there by 12:15 At the latest because she has to help me get dressed. She said she didn’t understand why I was repeating myself because OF COURSE she would be on time. the exact words out of my mouth were “I am just worried about you being on time because you were late to the shower.” All hell broke loose. She started making excuses for her lateness (she is always late), then started screaming and swearing at me (Several F bombs). I very calmly told her if she was going to shout and swear I would hang up and she could call me later. She continued to yell, told me to go to my dress fitting alone next week (she told me to go dress shopping alone last year when she was mad at me) and then hung up on me. She then sent me a text telling me I was a self centered brat, and that I was speaking to her “like a client” (I’m an attorney with the local public defenders office). Apparently telling someone youre going to hang up if they keep yelling and swearing is patronizing (according to her). Ironically, none of my clients would ever speak to me the way she does nor would I let them.
She then called me back, denied swearing during the conversation, and at first denied name calling. When I reminded her that she called me a self centered brat, she said “well you are” (?!?). the amount of BS my mom has put me though the years is just nuts. I’m the oldest of four and was very much parentified from a young age. I was very much the second parent of the house at a young age. Just 3 weeks after FI and I started dating six years ago, we had to pick my mom up from the police station after she was arrested for DUI. When one of my sisters found herself pregnant at 18, I supported her regardless of her decision. My mother didn’t agree with my sister exercising her right to choose, and sent me a text one night that said “F–k you, killer!” I actually had to place a block on my cell phone account because her texts and calls were out of control She has yelled, sworn, etc. not the way you should speak to you child at all. It’s beyond hurtful and makes me feel like I have no real adult to turn to for love and support because it’s always on her terms. I feel like Im walking on eggshells and she is quick to say “Im the mother” as if that gives her the right to be rude and show no common courtesy and respect. I was a straight A student, went to law school, have worked since i was 14, have friends and family/in laws that love me unconditionally and yet she says these things to make me question myself as a person.
I have no idea how to handle my mother not just with the next couple of months before the wedding, but also after I start my family. This is not the type of person I wamt to be exposed to, let alone my kids. It’s heartbreaking to say the least. Sorry for the very long rant!