Long rant about mom :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

OMG. I’m flabbergasted and have no idea what to say, except to send big hugs your way. You are maintaining a relationship I think I would have cut off a long time ago. I hope your mother doesn’t cause any trouble leading up to your wedding. 

Post # 4
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Jayceedee:  you both need counseling bc you don’t communicate well and she needs to be reminded it’s not her wedding!

Post # 6
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Just because you are related, doesn’t mean you have to love her.

Your mother certainly has some issues. Do you live near her?

I think I would limit her involvement in the rest of the wedding plans. Hopefully she won’t try to make your wedding day all “about her”.

Regarding children, you naturally don’t want to expose your children to her tantrums and poor language. It sounds as though you are much closer to your fiances family. I would spend much more time with them and limit the time you spend with your mother to the significant times, such as Christmas, Easter etc.

Post # 7
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@BrightSide:  we should always love our moms, but you don’t have to always like her. 

Post # 8
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Jayceedee:  The only difference between my mother and yours, is that mine was 31 when she had me (22 when she had my twin sisters)… My mom met my day when my sisters were 2 or 3, they have been married since, and she has been a stay at home mom since.. even though I’m 20 now. And she and my father have been alchoholics for as long as I can remember.

She talks to me the same way. Whenever I say something “matter of factly” she laughs at me. SO ANNOYING. It’s like when a 5 year old does something bad, you catch them and they laugh as you tell them to go to their room.

Currently we’re arguing over the guest list as well. She’s telling me I need to invite more of her family (aunts, uncles and cousins I don’t talk to…yet she hasn’t mentioned anything about inviting my dad’s side). She tries to convince me by saying “the more people you invite, the more gifts you’ll get!”…uhh I don’t care about gifts. I want to marry my FI. Plus in order to receive those gifts, we’ll have to pay $150/person just for them to be there.

She asked me “What are weddings about Brittany?” so I replied “well from what I can tell they’re about 2 people getting married” She laughed at me and said “No sweetie, they’re about family”. Um NO. My wedding is NOT your family reunion. F*&^ing deal with it.

Then she goes off saying we’re inviting all of FI’s family and none of ours. I have 35 and he has 21. This includes close friends, neither of us have many.

Currently my sister is trying to explain to her that I have a right to have a small wedding if I want to. Hopefully she gets it because I don’t want extra people there that I could care less about. I have no desire to bring her dress shopping, she’s very negative, and I honestly haven’t asked her opinion about anything. But apparently when people get married, it gives everyone a right to have an opinion on dates, guest list, your dress, the formality, food, etc.

I don’t have advice, but I hear you sister.

Post # 9
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Jayceedee:  Whilst it doesn’t sound like your mother is a mature adult I also get the feeling from what you wrote that seem a tad jealous of her. I agree with a pp, you both need to see a therapist and work out your issues.

Post # 10
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t like or love my mother.  She never wanted to be a mother, but being a practising Catholic, wouldn’t use birth control.   She has made it very obvious that she was/still is resentful that being a mother placed restrictions on her life….and then wonders why myself and my 2 brothers have not had any children.

I’ve not seen my mother in nearly 5 years – I live on the other side of the world from her, through choice.   I get very angry when people say things like ‘you will miss her when she’s gone’…no I won’t, because she’s barely in my life now.  

Anyway, I’d maintain some distance from your mother.  I learned 20 years ago that mine wasn’t going to suddenly wake up one day and become the type of normal mum that I wanted, and I was wasting my valuable mental health and happiness trying to force her to.  

 

Post # 12
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am in agreement with Baal. It doesn’t sound like she is going to change at this point. If I were you, I’d get MYSELF into therapy to deal with the realization that she won’t become the mother I want. And then I would exclude her from any further wedding activity. I would tell her the time of the ceremony and that’s that. Her involvement seems to result in unhappiness on your part, so why involve her? If she shows up, great, if not, oh well. I know that sounds harsh, but why make the wedding so unpleasant by trying to involve someone who doesn’t really want to partake politely?

Post # 13
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Jayceedee:  reading your post made my heart hurt for you. You seem like a lovely girl who any mother should be proud of and dote upon 🙂

The sad truth is, while not impossible, the probability of her changing her ways at the age she’s at is nil to none. My best suggestion would be to get thru this wedding as best you can, seek some counseling of your own to learn better coping skills and how to handle her when she is around. Then, keep your distance and focus on YOU. Being a good person, having all your shit together, and being a “good girl” still doesn’t change anything about HER, know what I mean? So, at some point you’ve got to just isolate yourself from her frantic and impulsive, unhealthy behaviors towards you.

sounds like you’re beating a dead horse trying to take the high road here with her and trying to be mature enough to communicate with her. Sometimes, it takes the epiphany of realizing what other humans are and aren’t capable of before we ourselves know what actions to take. And sadly, she’s seemingly INcapable of anything mature or constructice. Trying to force her into a mode she’s incapable of will only continue to hurt and disappoint you, and frankly, confuse and irritate her. Thus, the cycle churns…

Very best of luck to you!!!

Post # 14
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m sorry your mother is that way.  In your shoes, I would cut her off.  She’s not going to change, and all she does is try to tear you down.  

Post # 15
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is awful and has to be so difficult. I once had a counselor say to me about my mom “her feelings are no more important than yours. She doesn’t get to treat you in a way you don’t like just because she is your mother”. It sounds like you already embrace that and are just trying to figure out how to make her see that. For many years in my 20s and early 30s, I had to live a flight away from her, driving distance was too close, not talk to her about anything personal or substantial, and limit visits to 3-4 times a year for 1 – 1 1/2 days at a time. like a PP said, limit your interactions with her, do not involve her with your wedding. Treat her like a guest and have someone else who will be supportive and positive to help you get ready. dont put her in a position where she is allowed to cause stress or drama. 

Post # 16
Member
3934 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Jayceedee:   If you google “daughters of narcissistic mothers” you will find a web site with coping techniques which may help.   *hugs* to you.  You are not alone.  

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