- 5 years ago
Bees, I need help. You all are so supportive to everyone on here and I just need to let it out. I’m sorry if this is long and incoherent, I have a lot of thoughts. I promise it will get to the part about my relationship eventually.
I go through phases where for a few weeks I will be happy with my relationship and think nothing of it and go about my merry way. But then I will read something that just triggers a depressive state. This new trigger was when I listened to paramore’s new song “still into you”. Here are the lyrics http://www.metrolyrics.com/still-into-you-lyrics-paramore.html
And I just felt a disconnect from my relationship. Like, why don’t I feel like that? Why couldn’t I write a love song about him like that?
My main problem I think is that I read too much self-help from the internet, and I get conflicting viewpoints about my entire relationship. I’ll read something promising, I’ll be happy. Then I read something negative and I start questioning. And its all so confusing.
A not-so-quick recap of my relationship (I’ll star it so you can read past it if you want.) : *******SO and I had a rocky start. He was my upstairs neighbor freshman year of college. We officially met at their first party, but I also met my ex there, and started dating him. SO liked me the entire time, and had to painfully watch our relationship progress over facebook (because they knew each other, and we were neighbors..) This ex was not my first love per se, but I consider him to be my first real love. Nobody else had made me feel that way. We broke up after 8 months and I was devastated. (SO saw that too..) I know our relationship wasn’t good/meant to work out but I still hold the memory of what it felt like. A few months later after I was mostly over my ex, me and SO got together.
This is where the problems started, obviously. We were both walking on eggshells in the beginning and really insecure. I’d say it took the first 2-4 months for us to address the elephant in the room and work out our issues. This included sexual issues because I’m really not a sexual person, and in the beginning he couldn’t last very long (his ex was a nympho and took 2 seconds so thats what he was used to, I take 15-30 mins). I’m also pansexual (a derivative of bisexual) and it took him awhile to get used to that fact. But I also think it plays into sexual problems because while I’m emotionally attracted to guys, I’m more sexually attracted to girls. (Ive never had sex with a girl.) ANYWAYS.
We have now been dating for almost 18 months. And our relationship is really wonderful. He is the kindest most generous person I’ve ever met, and he takes the best care of me. He is my rock. And around the 8 months mark I started thinking about maybe this is the guy I will marry one day? We’re still young (21 and 22) and it won’t happen for years, but like I said I read too much self-help on the internet and it led me here and now I’m addicted to the site. We also like talking about a future of when we live together (nothing about getting married)
********But back to the main problem. I feel like me and SO still do not mesh perfectly sexually. Its come a long way, but still when he initially touches me I get squirmy and it takes awhile for me to get into it. It makes me think I’m not into him that much. I just feel a disconnect sometimes. I never want to initiate sex, but after it starts I get into it sometimes. Sometimes we just have to stop.
That said, I’ve never really enjoyed sex with anyone, outside of my previous ex. But I don’t tell SO that because it would be extremely damaging to his self esteem. Because of this, I think its taking a toll on my current relationship, because I know how easy it CAN be. I just feel I would be perfectly happy right now if it weren’t for my knowledge of my previous sexual experience (Can we get an ‘eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ up in here?)
I just feel like he’s this great guy that I can’t appreciate enough as he appreciates me. And there IS a lot of stress right now because he is super busy in his last semester of college (he is taking 24 credits… 12 is the norm if that tells you how busy he is) so he doesn’t have much time for me but he really tries. I feel like I just need to make it past this lull in our relationship, make it to the summer and our cruise, and that the 2 years long distance coming up with help bring us together in the end.
But I can’t help but reading stories on here and thinking if I’m settling, and I’ll just end up in this relationship forever and be unhappy and get divorced like a lot of people that I read in this section? I keep telling myself there are definitely key differences between us and them, but what if I’m kidding myself?
And I know there are a lot of unconnected thoughts here, its hard to explain how I feel. I’ve tried to explain this to friends but not many of them have had relationships and they just tell me to go see a therapist. Which I should but I’m terrified of them. I just needed to let it out.
ok I think I’m done…
AHHHHH someone please tell me something encouraging 🙁