Long relationship – ever feel a bit unappreciated?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

MatrixDonna: I am sorry to hear that you feel this way.  I have been with my FI a little over 5 years and I cant imagine not feeling very wanted. I know you said that you talk to him and he tries to cheer you up, but apparently you get back in the same rut again. Have you tried different things to spice it up? Fun outings/dates? Romantic weekends away? New things in the bedroom? And finally, I do not recommend for unmarried couples (because if you are having issues before marriage what is it going to be like after) but since you have so much times invested, couseling. I hope that the two of you can get through this and be happy together. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
7 posts
Newbee

I was in a similar situation with my ex.  We had been together for about 8 years. I felt under appreciated constantly as I was earning double him, doing all of the housework, cooking, helping him with stuff, house renos etc.  It took us a lot of conversations and discussions to realise that it was because I didn’t feel like he valued my input into the relationship any where in the vacinity as I felt like I was putting in – or at least it wasn’t visible to me.  Him not wanting to meet me halfway was basically why this ended but if your partner is seeking councilling with you it shows effort and a desire to make it work which I think that is a great step!

I know with the history I described with this situation it may not put as much weight on it – but coming out of it I started with one my mates setting aside a few hours each week.  Basically we alternate each turn (weekly occasionally stretches to two) who’s responsiblity it was to organise what we were doing.  The rules we set in place were pretty simple that the other person wasn’t to know what it was until the time, nothing really expensive and no heights (due to fear).  It is the best thing that I have ever done as I feel great doing something nice for them, and it makes me feel wonderful knowing that someone takes the time to think of something really nice for me.  It has been things including picnics, dinner, wine tastings, trampolining, bushwalks, gym classes, swimming.  I know I do this with my friend, but I don’t see why something like this wouldn’t work in a relationship situation?  Adds a little spark and mystery along with some quality time to reconnect.  As an adult there are so few opportunities for surprises – create them where you can!

Post # 5
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

You both need to put lots of effort into this relationship or you need to call it a day.

I suggest that you agee to make one night a week ‘date night’. 

List lots of possibilities: a film at the local cinema; a walk in a forest or along a beach; a trip to the theatre; a snowboarding lesson; a swim at the local swimming pool; a public lecture at a local college; a candlelit meal at home with champagne and rose petals, a drink at a wine bar; an evening in bed with no distractions (except each other); a game of badminton; horseriding, rifle shooting, surfing, sailing, ten pin bowling, a tram ride; a game of pool at a poolhall; a piano recital, a climb at a climbing wall; an evening at a museum; a visit to the zoo; a midnight ramble; a bicycle ride; a charity collection; abseiling, a zip wire ride, a firework display, wildlife watching; a hike to the top of a hill; a canoeing lesson, a French class, a ride in a hired convertible, a jog around a nearby park; a favourite film DVD night at home; raftbuilding, a trip to a monument; a barbeque, etc., etc.

Think of 52 possibilities and write them down on 52 small pieces of paper.  Put the pieces of paper in a box.

Jointly choose your first date activity.  At the end of the evening one of you closes his or her eyes and randomly chooses a piece of paper from the box.  This is the following week’s date activity.  The following week you do the activity and then the other person closes his or her eyes and randomly chooses a piece of paper with the activity for the next week, and so on.

After a year of these date nights your relationship will have changed.  Either it will have become much more exciting or you will know that you need to move on.

Voila!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  .
Post # 6
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Relationships are not 50/50, they are 100/100 and I agree, if you aren’t both trying this doesn’t end well.  You need to really let him know what you need, and it sounds like you do need more effort and attention from him and he needs to show that he knows that’s important and is trying.  I had an ex like this and for years told him something had to change, I tried everything I could think of but in the end not feeling wanted killed me – and that wasn’t just sexually, but as a person, for who I am.  One of my absolute favorite things about my DH now is that the way he says things and how he wants me lets me know it has everything to do with me being me for exactly who I am. Good luck!!  And I don’t like your counselor’s advice that you should find distractions from what you don’t have – no you need to find out what you need to have for the relationship to be all you need and if not, move on to one that is.  Don’t think just because you’re 5 years in you can’t start over either.  Every second is a new start if you need one.

Post # 7
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? Everyone shows and experiences love in different ways. Perhaps you respond more to physical affection and words of love, but there is also quality time, gift giving, and acts of service that are also ways of expressing love. I experience a similar feeling to you with my husband. My love language is physical affection and words of love, whereas his is quality time and acts of service. What we need to do is recognize and appreciate the ways we show love to each other. Everyone feels love in all 5 ways but there is one or two ways that speak to you most. There’s a book called the 5 love languages if you’d like to look more into it, as well as a test to see which one you are.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  stargurl101.
Post # 8
Member
1926 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh and Oprah did a special on it too, if you’d like to check it out.

Post # 9
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’ve been with my FI for 10 yrs in July.  Were getting married on July 5th.  When couples have been together for a long time it’s easy for one party or both to feel taken for granted/unappreciated.  I think it’s common.

Based on what you wrote one of the things I wanted to ask you –  Do you feel inscecure about yourself? Are you comfortable and happy with who you are?  I’ve found that often when I feel I need more attention from others I am not feeling very good about myself.  I’m speaking in general here.  We all have days that are better than others and inscecurities. 

I was wondering if your FI might be feeling unappreciated by you? It’s is a two way street.  Also, I think your making assumptions about what your FI is feeling without asking him.  i.e “I’m going away on a business trip and it makes no difference to him”.  Just because he didn’t say he would miss you doesn’t mean he won’t.  You did say that he has a hard time expressing his feelings… I bet that’s a big reason he dosen’t say things like “I’II miss you”.  I suggest you speak with him and tell him you need him to try and express his feelings more.  With your help and encouragement I’m sure it will improve.  But your going to have to patient.  It won’t be easy for him as it’s not something he’s used to doing.  It does sound like he’s different than other guys you dated.  Keep in mind even if he makes an effort to express himself more, he may never be the type who makes a “fuss” over you.  Is that something you can live with?  Good Luck.

Post # 10
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

You’ve been with your man for 5 years now so him being this way is something you’ve lived with all this time. People don’t really change unless they have a life changing event, etc. and even then, it takes time.  If the only way you’d stay in this relationship is if your SO changes into the affectionate man you want, then you need to reasses your relationship.  If you can’t accept him EXACTLY as he is now and he never changed, then this is not the man for you.  You deserve to be with a man who can fulfill your needs and his basic personality just naturally complements your own where his habits/tendency gives you what you want.  And your SO deserves to be with a woman who is happy with exactly how he is, unromantic and all.

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