(Closed) Long term partner not invited even though knows couple

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Attend wedding while partner who paid for me to be there is in the hotel room
    Tell them I can't attend due to travel plans, and cancel our flights, hope they forgive me : (21 votes)
    18 %
    Explain to them the situation and ask them what they would do if they were in my situation : (12 votes)
    10 %
    Tell them I made travel plans based on the verbal invite and now I'm in a bad spot : (49 votes)
    42 %
    Tell them I can't attend without my partner because he will be in the hotel room and that is awkward : (34 votes)
    29 %
  • Post # 3
    1628 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Ouch, that is rough.  Worse still because they told you your SO was invited and then didn’t invite in the end.

    I was in a similar situation actually (my bf of 6 yrs–now FI–who I’d been living with for years and knew my friend, the bride, wasn’t invited).  My friend also led me to believe he would be invited and we booked plane tickets. Surprise surprise when the invite arrived.  I really understand guest list issues and if she had told me upfront (or anytime before the invite arrived) that Fiance wasn’t invited, I probably would have gotten over it.  But that mixed with some other things is why we don’t talk anymore.

    Under your circumstances, you have every right to decline the invite even though you verbally said you would come–I mean, wasn’t that the perfect opportunity for your friend to mention that your partner wasn’t invited rather than let you get the shock in the mail??

    Post # 4
    5118 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would just kindly RSVP no, and make plans with your partner. If they call to ask, then you can tell them that you understand their predicament with the limited space, but you can’t feel right about leaving your SO on holiday while you’re on a trip together.

    You can let them know that you wish them the best, etc, send them a gift, and maybe the’ll extend an invite to your SO, but either way, it may be a bit awkward for a while. They may be upset that you don’t come, or you may both feel awkward if they feel forced to invite your SO, so either way, I think you’re in a pickle, but I’d choose spending time with my SO. 

    Post # 5
    804 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I just helped my Maid/Matron of Honor stuff invitations for her own wedding; they decided the +1 issue after they had written up invitations without adding “and Guest” on the envelopes and set it at long-term relationships only. We wrote in the +1’s name on the envelopes that we realized qualified, but one or two slipped through without the guest’s name added even though my Maid/Matron of Honor counted them in the master guest-list.

    Did you ask specifically if you could bring your partner? I only ask because you had gotten a verbal invitation before; were you told that things have changed or are you inferring it from the formal invitation?

    Since you had a verbal invitation and that changed, I think it’s acceptable to not attend even though you said you could. It’s not petty, I just know I would feel uncomfortable if my Fiance paid for me to go to a wedding that he wasn’t invited to (though he is amazing and would do it without a thought because he’d want me to enjoy myself). I would feel uncomfortable on his behalf, is what I mean, even if he said he was fine with it.

    Post # 6
    642 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I voted the last choice, since they are your good friend. I would be honest and let them know your situation. I think it would be terrible for your partner to pay for a trip, then cut it short to sit in a hotel room. Maybe after they have recieved a few RSVPs they will see that not everyone will be able to attend and there will be room for your partner. If not, kindly decline and try to get together and take them to a congratulatory dinner another time, it doesn’t sound like you live near by so maybe sending a gift with a nice card would be better than dinner. 

    I hope it works out! 

    Post # 7
    368 posts
    Helper bee

    I didn’t go to a cousin’s wedding because I was under the impression that my Fiance was invited, and I wish she would have just been honest. It was only 2 and half hours away but we only had one car. So he would have had to take off work, come with me, or drop me off and pick me up. Either way we would of been out a lot of money, and it just wasn’t worth all the trouble.

    Post # 8
    6893 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Yeah…I wouldn’t go.


    Post # 9
    1697 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    personally i would not go without my Fiance.

    Post # 10
    705 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    They told you verbally that you and your partner were both invited.  You told them that you would both attend.  They are the ones who rescinded their invite with the formal invitation, you’re merely responding to that.  Since it’s completely not ok for you to spend $2000 for the fun of you leaving your partner in a hotel room while you make a brief appearance (and probably won’t really have too much fun knowing that your partner is rotting in a hotel room) at this wedding, it’s totally ok for you to send your regrets.  

    Send a nice gift and card and try not to be too upset–space limits are a pain what with family being all “You HAVE to invite Great Aunt Marge!  How could you not????” your friends probably had to fight for every friend space that they got.  Maybe they can use that space so someone can bring their SO.  Enjoy your suddenly longer trip and visit your friends later.

    Post # 11
    631 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m only going to ask this because it recently happened to us with a wedding we’re attending this weekend: Are you sure that they aren’t inviting your partner? The invite I received was addressed to me only, but after an odd little inquiry on my part (I’m close enough to my friend to not be embarrassed, but I felt odd asking) it was for both my Fiance and I, just addressed to me for some reason. Could this be the situation, or did they explicitly say, “your SO is not invited even though we originally thought we could?”

    If that’s not the case, even if it were a close friend of mine, I can’t see myself going without my Fiance. Even though your friends were probably not meaning to be that way, it comes off as super rude to split up a social unit when inviting them to a function… especially a live-in long term partner. I might not feel the same if you were dating someone for 3 weeks, but that’s not the case. Make sure you clarify with your friend that your partner can’t be accomodated before you turn down the invitation. This could just be a comminication fail. 🙂

    Post # 12
    319 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    It’s really not appropriate to not invite long term live-in partners… at that point you’re equivalent to a married couple as far as being invited to weddings as a unit.

    You have every right to decline. I would do so without saying anything unless you’re asked.

    Post # 13
    3689 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I would decline the invitation.  You can’t invite half a social unit.  A social unit is those married, engaged, living together, and sometimes those in long-term relationships.  But the first three of those absolutely must be invited together.

    I wouldn’t tell them why because it will put them in an awkward position, too, where they will think you’re fishing for an invitation for your SO.  That could build resentment on their side, and I’d imagine you’re already feeling some of that toward them.  

    Post # 14
    512 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Hell to the no, don’t go!

    You have been together over 6 years, they know him and they issued a verbal invite. Sweetie, I would not continue to consider them “good friends…”

    I know weddings, I know budgets, I know about having to make choices but that is just plain wrong. WRONG!

    Go on your previously planned trip, have the time of your life and don’t for a second look back or feel bad because they obviously didn’t….

    By The Way…I agree with PP and would not give a specific reason. No need for drama or to cause any more hurt feelings. Just a polite decline.

    Also, have you told your SO yet that he’s not invited? If so, how did he feel?

    Post # 15
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    PP stated some similar things, but I would call them and say you just wanted to clarify who the invitation was for, since you were verbally told that you were both invited. Hopefully they say they have room for both of you. If they can not accomodate both of you, I would tell them that unfortunately you can not travel without your partner, and so you have to decline the invitation.

    Post # 16
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @asscherlover:  <– I would also call to clarify.  Then politely decline if my partner was not invited.  This is very rude of them, ALL SOs of guests need to be invited.  You are absolutely a social unit, especially after being together for six years, and social units should always be invited together.

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