Post # 1
I have been with my partner for 8 years and we’ve lived together for most of that time. I am 32 and he is 40. When I ask about marriage and children (which I would like in that order, before my fertility declines and because I’m ready), he says he wants to wait a further 2 years when he gets to the top level in his career. He also says that things need to be right in the relationship, which I agree with although I don’t think it’s ever going to be perfect and he doesn’t make it easy to discuss issues. My first worry is that we don’t spend time together doing things we both enjoy. This seems to be because we don’t make time and can’t agree on what to do. His hobby seems to have taken over his life and I don’t feel I can make any plans to do things together as he doesn’t stick to them. I often go to friends’ events on my own because of this. He doesn’t seem to want to come to family events, either mine or his. He also makes it difficult for us to have holidays together as he doesn’t approach work in a timely manner. However recently he managed to get 2 weeks off for revision when he’s previously told me a fortnight off is not possible. I’ve wanted to get a dog for ages but he doesn’t want to feel ‘tied down’, so I found it hard to see how he could be sure he wants children and marriage in 2 years. We haven’t had sex in a few months. I do find him attractive (when not burping in front of the TV!) but I don’t feel close to him because of all this and I don’t think he takes care of my needs very well either as he doesn’t seem to listen. He hasn’t tried it on for a while either. He puts a lot of store on spontaneity which is difficult when you both have full-time careers in addition to doing exams etc.
I guess I’m worried that if we do end up together, I’ll always be waiting for him to come home, unable to make any plans, looking after the kids as it was ‘what I wanted.’ That’s if we get to that point at all, as he may turn round with another excuse as to why he’s not ready to get married and have kids in 2 years as being at the top of the career ladder is going to bring with it a lot more responsibility that he’ll have to get used to.
What do you think? Thanks for you help in advance!
Post # 2
It sounds like you are more unhappy with the relationship than you are happy. My advice to you is to talk to him about it and tell him how you feel about it all! Don’t leave anything out. If he keeps insisting on waiting and isn’t willing to compromise or doesn’t seem like he really cares after all of that then I say move on. You might be committed to him longterm but clearly he isn’t committed to you longterm. You want to be with someone who makes you happy and who has, maybe not all, but some similar interests and who enjoys spending time with you and doing things with you.
Post # 3
I think it’s time to break up. He sounds like a major drag, and you’re definitely not on the same page. Next!
Post # 4
You haven’t had sex in a few months and he doesn’t understand that you have serious issues? Yikes. Go to counseling by yourself and with him, and if that doesn’t work, I think you need to move on. Walking away from an 8-year relationship sounds awful, but not as awful as walking away from one of 10+ years that includes a marriage and children.
ETA: I agree with him that you shouldn’t get married right now based on your issues. Your relationship has SERIOUS issues. You shouldn’t even be thinking about marriage while they’re this bad, because marriage won’t do anything to fix them.
Post # 5
Doesn’t sound like he has any intention of marrying anyone or settling down–he can’t even commit to a dog!
Time to bail, IMO.
Post # 6
I don’t think you’re going to be able to live the life you want with this man. Ending the relationship is most likely the best course of action.
There’s a much better man out there for you. One who wants what you want and who is compatible with you. I know it might be scary to leave a man you’ve been with for eight years, but doing so will allow you to live the life you really want. Staying with a man you aren’t compatible with makes life much harder than it needs to be, and it prevents you from achieving the things that are most important to you. If you do manage to achieve your goals despite being with the wrong man, it’s likely that you won’t be able to fully enjoy what you’ve done.
Don’t waste time hoping this man changes and starts wanting what you want. That’s most likely not going to happen. The sooner you do what’s right for you, the sooner you can start living the life you want. You don’t need this man. You’ll be better without him.
Post # 7
Let’s see: he’s a middle aged control freak who wants life to proceed on his terms, spends his time on his hobby to the exclusion of all other activities, and doesn’t have sex with you. Oh yes, he sounds like a real prize! Definitely marry him – and be prepared to live miserably ever after.
Post # 8
He’s FORTY and you have lived together for ~8 years. If he is not ready for children and/or a marriage now, he is never going to be ready. Sounds like he is stringing you along. I know cutting your losses after this long will be hard as hell, but I wouldn’t want to waste another day of my life waiting for this guy to come around.
Post # 9
He’s 40 and telling you he’s not ready, which makes me think he will never be ready. He sounds a bit immature, unwilling to do things with your friends/family, etc. I think your average 20 something guy understands that a relationship requires certain things, and that it’s reasonable for your SO to want to spend time with you and discuss the future. Honestly, if you were both 19 I might say stick it out a little bit, but you sound like you know exactly what you want. You’re a grown woman, you need a man, not peter pan.
Post # 10
Sounds like my ex. he was very selfish and completely lacked the ability to see another’s point of view. The whole relationship was on his terms. His friends and his hobbies always came first and I always felt like I was waiting for my turn for his attention.
Id say really sit on it and consider how happy you are. Maybe even make a pros and cons list. Are you willing to wait another two years in the ‘hope’ that he will finally want marriage and kids? It’s been my experience that people don’t really change too drastically from what they are. So a life with this man will be what it is now. It won’t change much. Maybe if you left him it would shake him up a bit
Post # 11
i would leave him. I can understand him wanting to do his hobbies and all and I can understand him not always wanting to do things with your friends but him not attending family functions would be a dealbreaker for me. When you are commited to somebody then that person needs to be commited to not only their family relationships but relationships with your family too. when I get married someday I expect my future husband to attend family functions at least 90 percent of the time. Sorry but my expectations of my future so attending family functions is a given. I can understand not wanting to go to every social event or at least any social event where their your friends not his but family functions need to be a joint activity.