- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
I have been with my husband for 7.5 years, married for 1.5.
I am having extreme doubts about the relationship. I’ve written about them on other threads under this account, but now I am particularly interested in getting perspectives from those of you who have been in long-term (7+ years) relationships. I feel a little silly posting so many variations on essentially the same question, but you have all been so incredibly helpful and supportive, that I’m not leaving till you kick me out! 🙂
Basically, though my husband is a great guy, I have realized that I am not in love with him. If I am honest, I haven’t been in love with him for years. Now, I’d be ok with that if our friendship were very strong. Unfortunately, while I respect him a great deal, I do not look forward to spending time with him and am consistently getting the urge to leave the marriage. Whenever we talk about the future, I feel sick to my stomach because I can’t envision us together in it.
My husband is an extreme pragmatist, and is basically of the mind that one can decide to commit to a marriage, and the emotions will follow. Or something like that. He read a study that people in arranged marriages are generally happier than those who marry for “love,” and basically adopted the philosophy that he would commit 100% to his partner and either ignore the difficult emotions (which has gotten us into trouble) or work with them.
I am somewhat of a pragmatist (I realize that marriage takes work & that emotions can be fleeting), but I am increasingly unable to ignore the pit in my stomach that is telling me to leave. We’re working on communicating better, but honestly I am not sure that I am emotionally invested in the relationship enough to salvage it.
I am curious as to those who have been in long term relationships, whether you can relate to what I am feeling? Have you fallen completely out of love, and if so, were you able to fall back “into” love, so to speak? Or were you were able to build a new, different kind of love with your partner? Did you stay or did you go? And did you regret whichever decision you made?
I don’t need or want fireworks and rainbows all the time, but I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who feels like a pretty good friend at best, and a bad roommate at worst.