Post # 1
To introduce myself, my bf and I have been together almost 7 years now, living together 6 years. The first 5 years were amazing, the 5 to 6 year mark was tough because I was really struggling with why he hasn’t proposed yet, but the 6 to 7 year stretch has been good because I think I understand where he is at (I don’t like it or agree with it, but I get it ;)). We have talked about marriage a lot over the last few years. He says he pictures himself marrying me, wants to stay together, wants to plan a future together, only wants to be with me, but just isn’t ready for marriage yet…this has been tough for me to understand because all of the things he says he feels about me and wants with me ARE what marriage is…but, through talking with him, some couples counseling sessions, and some serious internal and external reflection has really shown me that him “not being ready” is valid and I love him enough that I can wait for him to be ready…so many people say “he should know after blahblah years” or “he should be able to give you a real reason or a timeline”…but he really just isn’t ready yet. He had a rough childhood, bad parents divorce, and his Phd is taking forever to be completed. I really think trusting that things will work out how he wants and believing in forever are possible for him, it just takes him longer than most… and I was really letting the fear and anger take over vs really focusing on why I want to be married to him…
Mainly, I just wanted to share this because last year was a really tough year for me emotionally….I struggled with the “why hasn’t he yet, when will he, etc” last year and then I came to a place where I decided the reason I want it so bad is because he is right for me and I do love him and he is a person that needs more time to be ready because of post emotional stuff and current stress with still trying to graduate. I really know he is right for me and this is a part of him that I need to accept and be okay with because loving someone is about setting their good and bad…
Anyway, just wondering if any other long term waiting bees have gone through similar ups and downs with their waiting period and if you want to share….
Post # 2
october26: I can relate to how you’re feeling. I’ve been with my SO for almost 7 years and I felt ready for marriage about 3 years ago but I knew that he wasn’t ready. I did not push him at all because, like you, I knew that he wanted to be with me and I knew that he just wasn’t ready. That was definitely okay with me. We talk about our future all the time and have been for years.
It wasn’t until recently that he started bringing up getting married more frequently. I’m pretty sure he’s proposing in two weeks on our weekend getaway.
Anyway, I also don’t agree when people say that he should propose after so many years. I think that as long as you are happy and okay with waiting then there is no problem. Good luck and I’m sure everything will work out.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2016 - Gratus Vineyard
I was in a similar situation up until recently. It has caused a lot of tension in our relationship over the last year. We have dated for 5 years and lived together for 5 years. He began to talk about marriage after dating for only a year. But at that time I was 25 and wasn’t ready. Now that I am ready, it seems like he is dragging his feet. It may sound weird, but much of my anxiety over this comes down to wanting to have children. I am turning 30 this year and have never had children. I read all of the medical statistics about children after 30 and panic. We are both in agreement that we want to get married and have children together. Our timelines just don’t match up. I’ve compromised and agreed to wait another year. Until then I’ve agreed to look for rings (though it’s more me looking). At times there is still tension because I feel like I want this more than he does. Only bc I feel like our timelines have been pushed back several times already due to school. I think as long as we can keep making steady progress I will be happy.
I’m crossing my fingers that I’ll get a ring by my birthday in December. We’ll see.
Post # 4
october26: I was with a guy for 6 years before my cirrent SO I totally get how you are feeling. Personally I got extremely resentful, every holiday that went by I ended up in tears over no proposal. I eventually felt as though I didn’t even want it to happen because I had waited so long. He finally did propose I am pretty sure just to shut me up, it was awful.
Hopefully you can do better than I did at waiting because if you get resentful it’s hard to break out of feeling like that:(
Good luck with everything
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
I can relate. I’d go through being really mad/angry/anxious about waiting and others i was completely fine with it. It was usually trigged by other people getting engaged or asking me why we weren’t yet and it was really annoying. However, we weren’t living together. And not living together made things more difficult than they needed to be… just a pain to go home to different places all the time when we do pratically everything together anyways. I set a few “deadlines” but when they approached I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do. I couldn’t imagine breaking up with him over it so I just waited and waited! He seemed to finally come around when he realized if he didn’t soon I was going to buy a house without him. And after his 18yr old cousin got engaged… who I remember being a little girl when we started dating! Oh man that one was hard to deal with!!
Post # 6
I spent a long time waiting with my ex. Through holidays, birthdays, graduations, anniversaries and no ring. He even bought a ring we picked out together and never gave it to me! I told myself it was okay because I loved him and wanted to be with him and the marriage didn’t really change anything but that wasn’t really true for me. I felt sad and depressed that this person I loved so much still wasn’t sure enough about me to pull the trigger on committing to forever. I felt bad about myself and embaressed when friends got engaged. Eventually he broke up with me because lo and behold he wasn’t proposing because – he didn’t want to marry me. But it has actually been a blessing because I met someone else who is a better fit for me. He makes my life easier and happier. I just like to put my story out there sometimes on these waiting threads to give people the idea to really analyze the reasons behind the waiting and realize there are other fish in the sea. I think that was part of my problem, I felt like I was so invested in this relationship and was just on the cusp of having everything I ever wanted, marriage, family, house, that I was scared to give up on it with him.
Post # 7
Scarlett11: Same thing happened to me, exactly. Over six years waiting to no avail (even though he would say stuff about us getting married and talk about our future like we had one, he just wanted to wait and wasn’t ready until school was over, etc.) and then out of the blue getting broken up with because he still wasn’t sure about me.
In the end it was a blessing for me too, I have a better relationship with a man who knows he wants to marry me.
Post # 8
ShhhItsaSecret: 🙂 I think it makes it easier to find the right one.
Post # 9
I’m just past the 7-year point with my BF. Very early in our relationship, he said he wanted to be with me for the next 40+ years, and I put the brakes on, saying we have plenty of time, let’s enjoy our relationship and not rush into anything…
We moved in together in 2009, and I thought maybe marriage was coming in 2010, but we settled into a comfortable lifestyle and have barely talked about it in the last 5 years. I’m very independent and have pushed back on every step of joining our lives together, so I appreciate his patience with me. Lately he’s been bringing it up a lot more, and before this year’s wedding season, I initiated a talk about our own marriage plans (since friends and relatives would be asking us about our relationship status, I didn’t want each of us to have different ideas!). We agreed that engagement is coming “soon”, and that is where we currently stand. Just a few weeks ago, I finally admitted to myself that I am Waiting and joined the list. It may happen this year, or maybe not, but the long-term waiting period has given us plenty of time to enjoy and build our relationship without deadlines or outside pressures.
Good luck, I hope when it happens for you, it will be *amazing* because you’ve worked through these struggles and are both ready to move forward!