Post # 1
Background:<br />DH and I’ve been married for over 5 years, together 10+. We met in college in which he were both in great majors with amazing earning potential.<br /><br />Long story short I got my degree and got a fabulous job, he got his degree and bottom fell out in his field so he went back and got another degree and once again bottom fell out of that field with no jobs and best he can do with two worthless degress is find min wage employment.<br /><br />DH is very close with parents and (IMHO) they lean on him too much. This is only made worse when father had medical issues and had to quit his job. They are close to the point of bankrupcy and will lose their house.<br /><br />Currently:<br />I’m getting to a point that it’s too much mentally/physically/emotionally to be the breadwinner but can’t say anything to him for fear of triggering a major depression episode in DH. DH is depressed because he can’t do better to support me. Depressed because there’s nothing he can do to fix his family. Depressed because he wants to be a father more than anything and until he can financially contripute I will not willing have a child with him.<br /><br />We were all set to buy our first home and it was hell. Everything that could go wrong with a sale did. Finally I put my foot down and told the bank to f*** off. This broke DH because once again our ship that was finally coming in hit some rocks and sank.<br /><br />I took this as a sign from God that we aren’t meant to be here. So I encouraged DH to apply out of state. Begrudingly he did.<br /><br />Last night he’s having a crying fit because “I’m trying to take him away from his family”. I asked him if he wanted a better life and the possibilty to start a family and he stated “I do, but I don’t know how much time I have left with my dad.”<br /><br />This started the mother of all fights. I explained I feel that he’s choosing his family over me and our future and he feels that I should take on the role of provider without guilting him and I shouldn’t be so cold as to even suggest moving right now when his dad isn’t well.<br /><br />Keep in mind no out of state offer has been made. While is dad is not in great health death is not on his doorstep. He could die tonight or in 20 years, but in reality he’s been told he’s got <3 years left.<br /><br />We are both in our early 30s. I can’t wait for his dad to die so we can start our life and family. There are no jobs for DH where we live! Lets be honest, if he dad dies I know he still would refuse to leave the area so that’s a cop out.<br /><br />I just don’t know what to do with him. He lacks any motiviation to do better for himself or me. This is not the man I married.
Post # 2
AnonymousDucky: Wow this is a really tough situation you’re in, and I can see both sides. Unfortunately, it seems like your husband is having a hard time finding work, but on one hand it seems like it’s not due to laziness or lack of trying; then, you say that he lacks motivation. I’m not sure which it is. However, it does seem like you have a real issue with being the breadwinner. I don’t think there is any simple solution to this. Maybe some couples counseling could help you both get on the same page with your future goals. Hopefully things will turn around in the job market, what field of work is his degree in? Maybe some other bees in the same field can help you with suggestions for him. Best of luck.
Post # 3
AnonymousDucky: Sorry you’re going through this and I know it’s not easy, but you sound really calous about his dad situation. I don’t think wanting to be around his dad, who has less than 3 years to live, is a bad thing.
If you have a decent job and he has a minimum wage job just try to cut your bills for now. Switch to a prepaid phoen plan (like $50/month) shop for cheaper car insurance, move to a smaller apartment, see if he can pick up more shifts at his job.
Being unemployed can be really stressful as can being the breadwinner. And throw on top of that a dying parent and no wonder he’s depressed. Just try to support him emotionally and make sacrifices where you can financially.
For richer or poorer…
Post # 4
AnonymousDucky: I think you’re being insensitive. I’m not crazy about the area where we live but both my parents and my fiance’s parents live ~25 min from us and we want to be close to them. Your husband is right, they aren’t going to be around forever and I think it’s good that he sees that. If you’re making such a decent amount of money and he is also contributing by working, who cares who brings in more?? I know several people with now “worthless degrees” that aren’t making that much money but they’re happy and it’s not their fault the economy went to shit, stop blaming him. I understand you want to be in a comfortable position before having kids but you don’t have to be rich to do so, trust me, I raised three on my own before I met my fiance making less than $40,000/year and we were happy. Cut the guy some slack and be more supportive, that will motivate him more than being snarky about his income and family values.
Post # 5
I have to agree. Your issues are more serious than anything that can be resolved via keyboard. ITA, counseling is the next logical step from here.
You can’t change him–if he’s just not an ambitious guy, that’s just who he is. Or he could be suffering from depression. I think it’s time to bring in a trained professional therapist to help you guys communicate & understand each other better.
Post # 6
AnonymousDucky: I’m in a similar situation where my FI is having trouble finding work and I am in the breadwinner position. I have no problem with being the breadwinner, though, as I know that FI is working hard in his current job and is trying just as hard to find a better one. With the additional stress of a terminal illness in the family, it may be time to step back and reassess immediately priorities, because someone in this situation needs to budge and to be honest, I think it’s you. It’s not fair to put this much pressure–find a better job! become the breadwinner! get a house! have a family!–on your man while he is going through a seriously exhausting and devastating emotional event like this.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center
I can’t even believe this right now.
“I can’t wait for his dad to die so we can start our life and family.”
Um, no. I really don’t care how long your DH hasn’t had a job, you shouldn’t EVER wish someone’s father would die. That’s just awful. And if I was your DH I would divorce you if I read that.
You’re being selfish. I get it – it’s hard making all the money; my FI doesn’t have a job right now and I’m paying for almost everything for our wedding. But that does not support wishing your FIL would die.
You need to stop blaming your DH. He is trying. He is obviously distraught over the situation and is trying his hardest. You’re literally trying to push him away from his family over work when the fact is you already said his dad has less than 3 years to live – why is it so difficult for you to understand that he would want to stick around while he has the time with his dad? Do you not have parents yourself? Because that’s the only reason I can think of for you being insensitive about the situation.
Give your DH a break before he has a mental breakdown.
I don’t think your real issue is being the breadwinner, I think your issue is that you want to be put first in your DH’s life and want him to ignore his family. Sorry but they were there before you, and you need to respect that.
Post # 8
AnonymousDucky: This is a really tough situation that you and your DH are going through. To be honest, I don’t think I would push moving out of state because I know that I wouldn’t want that. I am also very close to my family- we live in an hour from my parents- and I know that I would not want be any further.
I don’t think it’s fair to use against him that he is choosing his parents over a future with you. He shouldn’t have to choose one or the other because you and his parents are both extremely important parts of his life. Imagine if you did move…would he resent you for that? Would it really make things any better?
I honestly don’t know what I would do in this situation, but I know I would not force someone to move if that’s not what he wanted. I’m sorry you’re going through this and that I could not be of more help.
Post # 9
cwedding14: I read that sentence the same way you did but I’m seriously hoping she meant it as she’s ready for the next stages of their lives sooner rather than later, not actually saying she can’t wait for him to die. If I’m wrong then holy shit my faith in humanity just plummeted.
Post # 10
My husband has been in and out of work recently and I can totally understand where you’re coming from. It can be stressful being the main breadwinner. I have a newfound respect for husbands of stay at home moms! However, having lost my mother, I can absolutely say that I would refuse to leave my parent if they only had a few years left and they were in need of help (not just financially but emotionally and time wise).
I think you need to examine where your concerns are coming from. You say that you’ve got great earning potential, can you support the family financially on your income alone? Would your husband be interested in being a stay at home father? Or a stay at home husband who is also caring for his father in failing health.
Is it actually that you guys can’t live comfortably on your salary alore, or yours plus his smaller salary? Is a more expensive lifestyle important to you? More important than your husband?
Are your concerns more based around social gender stereotypes that the guy should be earning more and “taking care” of his woman financially? Or losing respect for your husband because he isn’t earning a lot of money?
All of these things can come up. But it’s important to figure out what’s really bugging you. Do you have friends/family who are sole breadwinners who you could talk to about this?
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center
RedheadMeggs: Yea… I don’t know. I mean, if you’re ready for the next stage of your life that’s one thing, but if I was in that situation I wouldn’t be clinging to the hope my FIL dies just so that happens.
Post # 12
housebee: Second degree is teaching. You get a small window frame to apply for jobs and if you miss it that’s another year of your life on hold. I know he’s applying right now, but in the mean time he could get a second job or constantly search for a better job than come home and complain everyday he hates his job. That’s where I was getting the ‘lacking motivation’ part.
RedheadMeggs: I’m far from a Doctor, but I make a decent living. Now if I was man I’d be making far more and be sitting better, but that’s for another post. The plan was never for me to be a SAHM. I want to work. I just figured I’d have a partner that did too and we’d have a better savings.
cwedding14: First of all you read that completely wrong. “I can’t wait for his dad to die so we can start our life and family.” Is not meant as I’m hoping his dad dies sooner than later, but I don’t want to put my life on hold until his dad dies. For the record my father died suddently my first week of college. I went to his funeral on Friday and returned back to classes on Monday and went on to make dean’s list. You can’t put your life on hold over something like that because whether you like it or not life goes on.
Post # 13
cwedding14: I totally agree with you, when I read that my jaw literally hit my desk. I can’t even fathom the thought crossing my mind, I love my fiance’s parents. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, hopefully she just worded it wrong and it came across as henious.
Post # 14
“he feels that I should take on the role of provider without guilting him”
Uhhh… Why are you making him feel guilty for being the provider? What’s wrong with a female being the breadwinner? Honestly, if you guys are able to pay bills right now I would stay by his family. It sounds like he is already depressed and I think it might get even worse if he moves away from them at this time.
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center
AnonymousDucky: Yea, life goes on, but that doesn’t mean you forget about people. You already said his dad is dying. I would absolutely refuse to move away from a dying family member, much less my own father. And I think it’s selfish you would make him do that, job or not.