- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
I’ve been on break from posting a lot to see if it’d help with the waiting pains, and I guess for a while it did, but I wanted to see how some of the ladies from a while back were doing and can see that many are off the list, and many are still on it.
Boyfriend or Best Friend and have been together an unGodly amount of time without him asking or giving me a new name, but with many reasons which lame or not from my point of view, are important to him, and this would mean nothing if he didn’t do it of his own volition – if I ‘forced’ him in any way it would never be what I want or need.
Starting in 2010 and running through 2011, we had 11 couples, 22 people, we know get engaged, married, or both. It was a very rough time as Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together longer than all, but for personal reasons, he’s ‘behind’ where he should be for his age, and he and I are both in our mid 30s after starting dating in college, but time seems to mean less to him and so he’s still got a lot of ‘not ready’ comments (I know this means probably never comments). While in a really bad low, pretty much a nervous break down, he told me loosely that he though we might be able to get married in 2 more years, he DID want to do it, but coldn’t afford it and wanted to get soemt hings done first, which I accepted as he’s finally finishing his degree, and the time and money that’s taking up, and as a thing a guy likes to ahve ‘done’ before marraige, I could easily see it being not what I wanted, but reasonable and the closest to a timeline I’d ever get.
So last year was rally hard, but as the ‘wedding storm’ subsided, and the concurrent ‘baby storm’ from couples who’d been married ealier also let up, I was able to stop the crazy moping, self depreciating thoughts and just try to be happy with what is. Without the constant reminders of what I didn’t and honeslty may never have, I was able to stop my spiral into depression about it, and just work on taking care of me/us.
Then we lost our 15 year old fur baby we’d had since the first year we were together. And I think I am still in a really deep depression over that – I have no family – my furrbabies ARE my children and my family. I turned 35 recently, and though Boyfriend or Best Friend was really good at setting up a small party of course he didn’t ‘take me off the list’. Not that I had any true hope of it, but you all know that little bit of hope is there, no matter how hard you try every holiday where it might make sense.
Also, true to his fashion, he did a lot of things last minute for my birthday (as though it’s a new day each year), so I can really just see him finding the ‘last minute’ to take any steps to marrying me, which I can only imagine as being on my death bed, or he on his 😐
And then two nights ago a friend sent me a cryptic text of a smilely, and I waited for more not to come… then she sends me a pic of her newly bestowed ring – her Fiance had just proposed on Saturday and she was making the rounds of friends’ announcements. I’d had a feeling it was coming, and was happy for her, but not too long after I had that same punch to the gut feeling. She and one other friend are the only remaining unmarried girls I know. And I have that same certainty that the other one has a proposal coming, soon, too – her Boyfriend or Best Friend is getting ready to head off in the military, her borhtday is coming up, and so I will be the girl in the longest relationship, but without the respect that being married garners, and instead with all the great questions being in a long-term r/s but without a ring invites.
I just needed to type this out. No, I am not leaving, giving an ultimatum, or planing on pushing Boyfriend or Best Friend. I want this more than anyhting in the world, but can’t reconcile wanting to marry him with being okay to leave if he doesn’t do it. I mean, if I love him for the long haul, I love him for the long haul even if I don’t like parts of it. But still I need a place to come to ‘talk’ about it so I won’t go crazy at home, and married friends won’t get it, and those about to be engaged won’t get it…
I have a drs. appointment next week – I’m planning on asking about my pet-greiving depression and if she can do anything to help – it will probably help my outlokk on this, too.