(Closed) Long vent…very very sad :(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think this situation all boils down to misunderstadins and differences in opinion. Your BIL is too touchy fo your Dad’s tastes, and BIL should have respected that, IMO. If I saw someone squeezing my daughter, who really knows how I would react.

I think the FIRST offender (BIL) should begin the apology, with the second ofender (Dad) following suit. After, all should move on. I don’t know if this is what is going to happen, but I hope so for your sake. Also, your FI should just stay out of it as it has nothing to do with him, unless he is there to keep the peace, moderate, and make sure EVERYONE is able to talk.

Post # 4
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Everyone just needs some time to calm down. It would be best if they don’t meet tonight as more time could be needed for cool heads. Give everyone a cooling off period then set a meeting and if it were my family I would have it in a public place. Things will calm down and you staying calm will help your Fi to calm down some too. In a few days things will look different!

Post # 6
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hopefully this will all blow over for you.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  Your BIL was just being himself and your Dad was probably tired and overreacted.  He’s your Dad, though, so he was being protective.  Nobody really did anything that wrong. 

Maybe you can play peacemaker here since you’re at the crux of the issue.  They need to apologize to each other, shake hands, and move on with things.  Don’t make things worse by adding to the drama with a lot of emotionalism.  It was an incident, it’s over now, and you all should be able to go back to normal seamlessly. 

Post # 7
Member
9484 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Everyone needs to come together with an open mind.  Allow them to cool down and hopefully it’ll blow over soon.  I’m sorry you’re in this situation.  I wish you the best of luck.  Please keep us updated.

Post # 8
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Could you ask your father to explain why exactly the “squeeze” upset him so much, in addition to the apology?

If it is cultural issues where your father is from a more conservative family, or a culture where such displays of affection are taboo, then your BIL needs to acknowledge the cultural differences between the two of them. Father should apologize for his outburst and promise to try to be more tolerant of the BIL’s less conservative culture, and BIL should apologize for his contributions to the disagreement and promise to be more respectful of Father’s cultural boundaries.

If it was simply a case of exhaustion and crankiness after a long travel day (which I can fully appreciate and understand) then both should apologize and BIL needs to agree to let bygones be bygones.

Post # 9
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your fiance is overprotective of his BROTHER but not of YOU?  It is totally inappropriate for your FI’s brother to give you extended hugs.  You are NOT his sister, you are his brother’s fiance.  Your dad may have been out of line pushing him, but he was way out of line touching you inappropriately.

 

ETA:  I re-read what you wrote.  Your BIL came up BEHIND you and SQUEEZED you for a couple MINUTES?!  That is way inappropriate, IMO.  Does he hug his brother or sister from behind for multiple minutes at a time?

Post # 10
Member
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i agree with a PP that it would be best to let this situation cool off a little bit more!

but if the meeting has to happen tonight, i hope it goes well. it sounds like your father is sorry for his reaction, so hopefully he can keep his cool. it would be better to have a non-involved party there to mediate, and i really dont think going to his house is the greatest idea, but maybe if your in-laws are there they can help keep things calm?

for the record, can you explain squeezing you? at first i was picturing some sort of sexual fondling, but reading on it seem like it was just a long hug?

Post # 11
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m a little confused about the appropriateness of the touching. If you felt uncomfortable that is one thing, but if you didn’t then your dad was way out of line.

Post # 12
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

The brother in law is an adult. As such, your father and he should hash this out. Your fiance, their mother, your mother have nothing to do with this and should stay out of it. It’s only going to make this worse if everyone tries to dogpile your Dad.

If your family is conservative, your brother in law should have respected their wishes. Frankly, being “touchy-feely” with his brother’s fiance seems a bit sketchy in the first place.

But again, this shouldn’t be about anyone but the two of them. I’m sorry, but your brother in law should be more understanding and open. And your father does owe him an apology for pushing him. But he shouldn’t be made to get down on his knees and beg forgiveness with a long drawn out apology speech to a man who crossed the line with his daughter. They need to discuss this man to man. Period. Because you’re also involved, you should be there as well. But your fiance will make it worse if he gets involved. Your dad should explain why he reacted that way, bil should explain why he feels it’s acceptable to hold you from behind, and you should explain why you’re okay with it. Then the misunderstandings will be understood. 

Post # 14
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Don’t meet up tonight. People need a chance to cool off.

Post # 15
Member
12569 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

No one can make this decision for you.  It really sucks, and I’m sorry!  It honestly sounds like a bad situation all around.  Perhaps it’s just anger coming from your father, and in a few days he’ll come around? 

Post # 16
Member
11242 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Maybe it’s because I come from a very touchy-feely family and am marrying into another, but I seriously think that your dad WAY overreacted. As in, he shouldn’t have said or done anything at all. If the way your FBIL interacts with you makes you uncomfortable, YOU or your FI need to talk to him.

Anyway.

In regards to my dad and the hug, it is extremely super inappropriate in our culture for BIL to hug me. You have to understand my FI and I do not even hug, kiss, or show major affection in front of my dad. We are not even allowed to live together until we are married. He finds all of this extremely disrespectful so for my BIL to hug me the way he did was completely out of line in my dad’s eyes. Plus add to that jet-lag and crankiness and it was just a bad situation in the making.

Can you explain this further? What culture is this? This is just weird to me (like I said, touchy-feely family) that you won’t touch your future husband in front of your dad.

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