(Closed) long, wall-of-text VENT: FMIL sending out her own invitations

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

As much as this wedding is about you, for her, it is about her and her family. I completely see your side — I would be peeved off to say the least. But in her mind this is a chance for celebration, and perhaps she thought she’d be more of a host towards these visiting FI family members more than you would. So she worded the invites in a very FI-centred manner. 

I would be annoyed, but don’t take it too personally. 

Post # 4
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This super sucks, sorry you have to go through it! As long as the invitations are to people on another continent that you might not meet, that aren’t coming to the wedding, maybe just pick your battles and let her have whatever “invitation” she wants for them. I definitely understand why you’re upset, and think it might just be best if she busies herself with fake tasks like this that aren’t actually related to the wedding that you’ve planned!

Post # 5
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

OK, I didn’t read through all of this, but I am Indian (ABCD) and I married an Indian FOB. We are also from different cultures inside of India. I am using these terms of out love and to save space-we joke around calling each other ABCD and FOB all the time. My in-laws totally did this too. My parents bought invitations and sent them out but my in-laws didn’t like them because they weren’t braggy and FOB-y enough and sent out their own version. Their reason was that a) in India in spite of the girl’s family being required to pay, they think the groom’s family gets top billing and my parents just flatout said “send your own invites then” b) they want to put like everyone’s resume and name on the stupid invites, including distant relatives and my parents and I were just like “no” that’s not standard in the US and we are not putting jobs and education and random nephews on the wedding invite. 

I haven’t even seen the ones my in-laws sent and I didn’t even care. The best part is how they made my parents buy a shitload of gold and then “they” gave it to me at my wedding.

Totes PM me if you want and I’ll send you my old wedding website that has our “American” invites on it (we share ou religion so we did have the Ganesh invites). The ones my in-laws made sound EXACTLY like yours…like, here are all my relatives, my son who went to IIT, this is my job and oh by the way, he’s marrying some random-ass bitch and here are her parents names in parentheses. It’s going to be a long frustrating ride, man. Their stupid groom focused invites are going to be the least of your worries, so I’d just let it go, sexist and annoying as they are. It’s very odd, but the sexism and entitlement of an Indian man’s family comes out in FULL FORCE at the time of the wedding, even though many of them are obsesed with getting the most professionally educated daughter-in-law they can. And my in-laws are uber-educated and my MIL (who actually I adore, it’s just my FIL that annoys me) is a Ph.d and they still engage in these stupid antics. My in-laws brag so much about the fact that I am a JD/MBA but my father-in-law still advises me to spend “more time in the kitchen” and told me the day after the wedding that my sister and I have ugly faces. 

Is your FI a North Indian? Neither my sister-in-law nor I are North Indian like my husband and BIL and the north indian wedding culture was a shock to us. Just breathe, at some point you will be married and living your own life in America and this stuff won’t be as important but I wanted to add that I SO FEEL YOU. It can be beyond insulting, but they are probably (mostly) acting out of instinct.  

Post # 6
Member
12259 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugh that sounds SO frustrating! At least the invited were intended who will probably not show up/never meet your family!

Post # 7
Member
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

whaaaaa?

Also, I would never ever send any invitation to someone who you don’t intend to have attend. Who knows – perhaps all of his family could up and decide that they want to take a trip to America, and then where would you be? That is what wedding announcements are for – so you can include people who weren’t close enough to be invited to the wedding.

Post # 8
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@distracts:  Her FI’s mom is sending invites to the friends and family in India that are not going to attend due to the wedding being held in the US. It’s a huge insult not to invite your blood relatives to a wedding, even if the chances are that they will not be able attend. It’s a courtesy thing. 

Post # 9
Member
1467 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@blueprint:  Wow. That is hard!

It is definitely a cultural issue. My cousin married a man of Indian heritage, and I learned a lot that weekend! The biggest thing I learned was that family is extremely important. I also would not be surprised if you get some unexpected yes RSVPs from India because weddings are so important to the culture. At my cousin’s wedding, basically every person they knew in India came to the wedding, it was that important to them. I guess every family is different so your FI’s family might not feel the importance of the wedding as much as my cousin’s FI’s family, but I thought I could warn you since I am aware. 

I definitely think it was incredibly rude and disrespectful how your FMIL treated your family on her invitation. It’s pretty weird that she didn’t share it with you. She probably didn’t share it because she knew that it was disrespectful to you. I’m sorry your FI didn’t consult you or stand up for you. It’s definitely something you can discuss with him as you approach marriage and a shifting of family ties. Once you are his wife, you should be more important to him than his family is! Your relationship comes first and the two of you need to band together as a supprotive team.

Post # 10
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

in some subcuktures within Indian culture, you’re expected to invite world plus dog to a wedding. It’s the parents’ bragging rights, if you will. You (or actually, they) invite old colleagues from decades ago and distant relatives. Most will decline, so the invite is the parents’ opportunity to show off what a fine son or daughter they’ve raised. I’ve got a friend who was born in India and now lives in Honk Kong, and married a Dutch fella; they sent I believe 1200+ invites (!!!!). I believe about 200 people actually attended. There were separate, more “westernized” invites for the friends of the bride and groom, and her parents pretty much did the same thing: overly elaborate, ornate invite, sent to everyone they’d ever met. I think this is a cultural difference and while it may be awkward, it’s likely just one of the many cultural/traditional differences you’ll the faced with. Accept it for what it is— a mother very excited for and proud of her son.

 It’s also worth noting that India is a very, very large country and it’s difficult to say “this is what Indian culture is like” because, within the one country, there is a huge variety of regional cultures, amd you’ll meet all sorts of folks with different traditions and etiquette.

Lastly. I’d say if you’re angry with or upset by anyone, it should be your Fi. he had the opportunity to tell you about the second set of invites, and didn’t. That would have been the time to set boundaries with your FMIL or at least learn about her culture and why these invites were so important to her. You may want to use this as a guide for communicating with your Fi when your different cultures are in play.

Post # 11
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

At first I was like No – she cant do that, how rude, confront her 

but then i was like – who cares. Youve got too many other things to do than worry about this. 

Just let you FI know that anything else she asks to do if you guys could talk first about it as to avoid any miscommunication that would be great.

Post # 12
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My FI is Chinese-Canadian and I’m Indian. I would never let my parents try that. All parties are Christian in this case, however, but that is so shameful. 

Post # 13
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@blueprint:  That really sucks. A lot. I would be incredibly upset and offended. At the same time, what can you do about it now if they had been sent and she did not consult with you. 🙁 Hang in there, at least it’s just invites to people you don’t know 🙂

Post # 14
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@blueprint:  Honestly? I think you’re right to trust your instincts and not bring this up as a big dramatic issue with her. These aren’t really invitations, per se, but rather more like wedding announcements. And I’m assuming it’s mostly to family and friends that only your in-laws really know and that will never actually come to the wedding or, even, meet you. Many of them might not even know your FI very well. So I would save my battles for the stuff actually taking place at the wedding. Perhaps you could just tell you MIL that you would be happy to help with any wedding-related stuff for her family in India, or at least tell your FI you’d like to be informed if something like this is in the works again.

Post # 15
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@corasong:  +1, these people aren’t attending and your FMIL is sending the Indian version of a wedding announcement to friends and family ALL on your FI’s side. Obnoxious? YES, but honestly just brush it off and be happy that your FMIL is excited enough about your upcoming wedding to send invites to people on the other side of the world bragging that her son is marrying you! 

Post # 16
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

As @monkeyinasuit explained, this is quite common and seems to have a direct correlation to how “traditional” the Indians are. (My family is North Indian, btw.)

1) My aunt gave me stack of ~50 invitations she’s collected over the years (so I could have examples when I was designing mine) and about half of them were clearly sent by the groom’s family because the groom and his parents have top billing. In fact, when this same aunt’s son got married a couple of years ago, the invitation we received was sent from my aunt and uncle and their names (and my cousin’s name) had top billing.

2) EVERY “traditional” Indian invitation lists grandparents in addition to parents, even the deceaesd ones. (During the hindu ceremony, the priest will recite the grandparents’ names.) I’m guessing your FMIL didn’t include your grandparents’ names because she didn’t know them and was afraid to ask you because then she’d have to reveal her plans.

3) It’s also traditional for Indian invitations to prominently feature Ganesh. He’s the God of celebrations.

I say all of this as someone who is not traditional and did not do any of this on my invitations, and would’ve been super pissed if my in-laws sent out their own invites. But I just wanted you to know that this isn’t out of left-feld. It’s a common practice.

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