Post # 1
Hey guys! Long time lurker here. I just made an account to finally write my first post. I’ve been on the site reading your threads for about two years and now it’s time for me to get some much needed advice.
My backstory started about 2 years ago. I was in a very serious relationship that I believed with all my heart was “the one.” He ended up breaking up with me out of the blue (literally)! We were driving from a party back to his house and everything was great when we left, by the time we got to his house a couple miles away the entire relationship was over. I have a pretty steady job and he was in school. He said he felt “immasculated” that I made so much more money than him – even after school, the job field he was going into still wouldn’t match or come close to my income. The thing is, I NEVER threw this in his face or even asked for much. I was very concious that this bothered him so I subconsciously (and consciously) went out of my way to make sure I never flaunted money or anything like that.
The breakup was obviously hard on me. But I’m really strong in myself and know I deserve someone who A) Is proud of what I’ve accomplished and B) Cheers me on and realizes what he has and doesn’t want to let me go. I was able to get over it and move forward.
I’ve dated on and off for the past two years but nothing ever clicked or felt special to me… until now. I met a guy through a mutual friend a couple weeks ago and immediately hit it off. He asked me out on a date the next day and we’ve hung out almost everyday since then. I’m really falling hard for him. And I’m terrified. He’s leaving the country for work in a couple weeks and won’t be back until the summer. I don’t know if he would even want a LDR or be open to it. I would be more than willing to try to make it work and have the means to fly out to him every now and then to see him.
I guess I don’t even know what my question is. I’m terrified of opening up to him and scaring him away. I don’t want him to think, “Dang, I’ve been with this girl a couple weeks and she’s already talking about this.” We haven’t even had the “exclusivity” talk but I just feel in my gut that we have an incredible connection and I’m pretty confident he feels it too. The other half of me thinks if I don’t go for it I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
I just need some advice. Thanks in advance for anyone who took the time to read this and/or respond.
Post # 2
“The other half of me thinks if I don’t go for it I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.“
Go for it. If he is “scared away” by you asking him if he enjoys spending time with you, and what’s the plan for when he goes away… then you know you shouldn’t spend another second thinking about him (or waiting for him).
I’ve been in a LDR since the relationship started – and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It definitely improved my time management skills, helped control my jealousy issues, and really made me appreciate the “little things” even more. It’s hard work, but it’s enjoyable work. It’s incredibly worth it.
P.S. – your ex should have been proud of your accomplishments, instead of looking at you and seeing a failure within himself. Love motivates and uplifts 🙂
Post # 3
What do you need to label what you and he have as a relationship if he is going to be out of the country for almost a year? Personally, I think you should enjoy your time together now, let him go off and do his thing, and then keep in mind to try to reconnect with him when he gets back. Let him go off without stress and with the fun memories of your time together.
It’s unlikely he’ll meet someone while he’s away from home, which means that if he feels what you feel, then you’ll be on his mind.
Also, in the meantime you may meet someone else. He has a greater risk of losing you than you losing him.
Post # 4
missfreefalling: I’ve been in LDR’s before but not of this magnitude, and we had already discussed exclusivity so it was a little easier on my end.
That being said, I think that maybe not to start off with, “So when you’re gone, are we going to try to stay together?” or something along those lines, because that COULD scare him off, while he’s thinking, “But I didn’t even know we were together!”
Maybe the best way to approach the situation is to ask questions/make statements that will allow him to divulge where he thinks things will go. Talk about if/how he plans to keep in touch with you, or maybe mention trying to visit each other at some point, and see how he reacts. I’m trying to think of examples of things to say, but I’m coming up a little blank right now, and I’m sorry that I’m not more helpful! I guess the jist of what I’m trying to say is that you need to get a feel for where he’s coming from, and if you approach it like, “I’m already planning a trip to come see you!!” he might start to back away if he’s not on the same page.
I hope that helps at all! Frankly, I think if you’re not getting anywhere with that approach, that you should come out and just tell him how you feel, and see what he says. If he’s not that into it, at least you will know before he leaves and you spend money going to see him. If he feels the same way, maybe he will be relieved to know you feel that way too!!
Post # 5
missfreefalling: Well, I for one am a fan of taking the chance, and having the conversation with him!! It does not need to be a pushy convo, or a ‘let’s make plans forever and ever’ convo, but it certainly can be light-hearted!! “I am really enjoying my time with you…do you still want to chat while you are away?’ Something more along the lines of keeping the communication open, rather than dating in a LDR?! My hope, for you, is that he tells you he wants to see things continue, to talk, to maybe even exclusively date while he is away.
IF you did not, then you could regret it, and life is too short for regrets. I know it can be scary, but at the very least, you will have a response/idea if you are even on the same page!!
Post # 6
I would just keep enjoying the time you have together now. You will know soon enough if he is interested in continuing a relationship with you. He will tell you. He will want to keep in touch. He will phone, text or skype. He will plan for you to visit each other.
I’m not saying you shoudn’t tell him that you like him and enjoy his company. I am saying that telling him you are willing and able to fly to see him, might be a bit premature.
Post # 7
WOW! I am overwhelmed by you guys already helping me out so much. I feel such a sense of ease already. I know what’s supposed to happen will. Y’all are incredible! Can’t believe I waited so long to start posting/responding to y’all.
We went to dinner two nights ago and he said, “Ya know, we should really hang out a lot more.” I jokingly replied with, “We’re already seeing each other almost everyday!” And he was like, “Yeah, but I just feel like we have a really special connection.” I agreed then we moved onto talking about something silly. Maybe magnets, IDK.
Here’s my game plan: We have a date tonight. I’m going to casually bring up him going away. Maybe something like, “I wish you weren’t leaving so soon” and see how he responds. I don’t want him to think I’m already picturing a forever with him, but I do want to know if he’s even looking for something more than a fling.
@nikkiibee – Thank you! I love hearing about things like this. Knowing it made you that much stronger together gives me hope 🙂
@jamb – So true. Maybe I don’t need a label. I guess I just don’t want to be spending money to go see him or investing my time trying to keep things going if he’s not doing the same.
@SoccerBee86 – Love this advice! As you can see above I totally took it and hopes it will help me get some answers for my own peace of mind.
@OUgal0004 – I absolutely agree with you! Thanks so much for your advice and taking the time to write it out 🙂
@julies1949 – Completely agree with this! He should let me know how he’s feeling. I guess I’m just scared because I’ve had numerous guys tell me after that they couldn’t really read how I was feeling and were terrified of trying to see if I liked them back. I guess I’m bad with showing my emotions or letting them know how I feel.
Again… thank you all! You’re really helping me and I feel so blessed to have y’all!
Post # 8
missfreefalling: I guess what I’m saying is that you don’t need to keep things going. Now is not the right time for this relationship. Maybe though, in a year, if he’s still thinking about you and you’re still thinking about him, then it will be the right time and then that’s when you can invest your time and emotional energy.
BTW, I was in your position at one point. I asked the question, I forget exactly how. The answer was, “Well I’m going away.” In hindsight, I guess I shouldn’t really have expected a different answer. He did come back a year later. By that time I was very happily in a relationship with my now FI. When he came back, he was also in a relationship. I’m no longer in touch with him so I don’t know what happened to his relationship. He did try to re-FB friend me maybe 2 years after he came back, but by that time I was really no longer interested.
Post # 9
@jamb – I absolutely agree with you. The feelings are just already so strong that I don’t want to just let him go and regret it later. He’ll be back and forth a little bit between now and then anyways, so it’s not like I won’t see him at all until next May.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
If you’re going to regret not going for it, then go for it! I had a gut feeling when I met my husband for the first time, and I don’t really know how o explain it. But, I subscribe to the idea that the worst someone can do is tell you no. But if you don’t go for it they can’t tell you yes. I hope that made sense.
Post # 12
@MrsWoods47 – So true! I love that philosophy… the worst thing that can happen is he doesn’t return the feelings and at least I don’t waste either of our time. I’m gonna just enjoy our time together for now and see what happens and maybe make a move a little later.
@catpeaches – haha like Nike says, Just Do It!
Post # 13
Myself? I couldn’t do Long Distance, but that’s because I hate computers, refuse to skype and just in general am not a gadget person My Guy had to go back to London during the holidays because his dad died and I hated every moment of it–my kids set up Skype for me, but I was just frustrated with it.
However, why not enjoy him while he is here and see what develops. If he is MEANT to be in your life he will be and you guys will find a platable solution to the distance.
Post # 14
I say definitely go for it! If it’s meant to be, it will be. 🙂
Post # 15
I know it’s not the same length of time but I went on a blind date with a guy the night before I went overseas for 6 weeks and we both had such a wonderful time that we picked up right where we left off the day after I got back, and now 4 years later we’re really happy together and will be engaged soon. We emailed a lot. At first it was just short notes but I actually felt that our relationship developed really well whilst we were apart. We got to know each other without the physical distractions that usually happen after a few dates lol – so I wasn’t blinded by lust but falling for the guy through his words and thoughts. In fact I was on the other side of the world when I realized I was in love with him – sounds weird after only spending 4 hours with him in person but that’s how it was.
I’d say make the most of the time you have so that when he’s away he’ll be thinking of no-one but you and how great you are and the connection you have. Don’t be clingy but let your intentions be known in a non-pushy way so he feels wanted but not cornered. I hope that makes sense!