Post # 1
Yesterday I was about to write a post about how happy I am, that my SO has been looking at rings, discussing my likes/dislikes etc. But then I did something I know I shouldn’t have done… I snooped. I’ve never looked at his history or facebook or anything before and have never felt a reason to do so. But when he said he’d been looking at rings online I had a lapse in judgment and decided to see which ones he’d been looking at (dumb, I know. I regret it and wish I had respected his privacy…I just went a bit crazy because I was so happy he actually brought up engagement-related stuff!) The first thing I noticed were tons of facebook links to girls’ facebook pages…most we mutually know, some he knows of but isn’t facebook friends with. Most of them link to bikini/vacation type pictures of very beautiful girls. I feel horrified for some reason. I am very open with porn and the sort, and know he will likely have “alone time” and I think that’s all well and good, no problem. But for some reason the idea of him getting off to girls we know and his female friends and peers just makes me cringe and feel horrible about myself. It seems like something a single guy would do. I feel really sad and he knows something is up (he keeps asking me what’s wrong and what he can do to cheer me up; just being generally sweet). But I can’t admit to him why I’m sad, because doing so would require me to admit I snooped.
Is this normal behavior for a guy in a relationship? Should I talk to him about this? Admit that I snooped? 🙁
Post # 3
Sounds harmless. I look at friends FB pictures all the time just to see their families or just to look at their pictures. Not to “get off”. I tihnk it’s harmless. With you snooping, i think you have some kind of trust issues. #1, with the rings….trust that he will get you what you want…#2, Facebook. It’s not porn. Enough said.
Post # 4
You need to just come clean and address the situation with him.
Post # 5
Tell him what happened. I would be upset too, pornstars are very different to girls you actually know! I would be upset too if Fiance was jerking off to bikini pictures of people we knew!
Post # 6
Who knows what this is about. I wouldn’t jump right to the worst possible conclusion though. What now? I think honesty is the best policy. You need to own up to snooping and talk to him about it.
Post # 7
I would also admit I snooped and ask him about it. Porn is one thing, but looking at friends and people he knows? I would be upset too, if I were you.
Post # 8
I agree with everyone, hon. Just tell him in the exact context you just told us. Sometimes snooping isn’t all bad because you find out things. This is an opportunity for the two of you to become closer, if you look at it that way. Don’t be accusatory with him, but definitely ask him what’s up with looking at his friends in a seemingly sexual way. Ask him how he would feel if one of his friends was checking you out in a bikini in such a covert way. Just make him understand how you feel. Big hugs!!!
Post # 9
I think knowing the girls definitely changes things. With porn its such an abstract fantasy. With someone you know its a fantasy that has the possibility of becoming reality and thats what bothers me about it. I would not want my Fiance looking at our friends one afternoon and then we go hang out with those friends later that weekend. Ugh.
Post # 10
I look at people’s Facebook photos without masturbating… I don’t know why you’ve automatically decided he was maturbating while looking at them! Have a chat with him before jumping to conclusions.
And remember there is a difference between fantasy and real life.
Post # 11
How do you know he was using them to masturbate? Maybe he was just curious and looking. My Darling Husband and I do this all the time – we look at random people when bored.
Seems pretty crazy to jump to the masturbation conclusion.
Post # 12
@oriskany: I think you have to give your guy the benefit of the doubt. I have lots of links to my female friends in bikinis, but it’s because I want to see where they vacationed. I think the only way to clear this up is to be open about it. It’s probably more harmless than you think. That being said, if he really was using these pictures to get off, I would probably be upset too.
Post # 13
Hi everyone, thanks for your kind words and advice. As some of you brought up, he may not have been using these pictures for masturbation, since we all use facebook to kind of ‘stalk’ people every once in awhile. I would like to believe that and give him the benefit of the doubt. However, there is a definite pattern of visiting the same pictures/albums many, many times over a span of months (his history goes back to february). It seems he visits a few of his favorite facebook ‘pages’ a few times a week, with the time stamp indicating times I am in class. I am so incredibly hurt. I will talk to him tonight after I’ve calmed down and try to approach it rationally and give him a chance to explain himself. I hate admitting to snooping, but this isn’t going to resolve itself if I stay silent. I hate confrontation though and I’ve never had to address this sort of problem before… any ideas of how to broach the subject? I’m not sure why it bothers me so much since I have no problem with him looking at porn, but the fact that he is choosing this instead of porn makes it weird for me.
Thanks again ladies. This is such a wonderful and supportive community 🙂
Post # 14
I think you need to talk to him about this, but I wouldn’t assume that he used the pictures to “do the deed.” I doubt that is what he used them for. He was probably just looking at the photos.
Post # 15
@oriskany: Hang on, though: how do you know he was using these pictures to “get off” and wasnt just browsing through photos of bikini-clad girls?
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor
@oriskany: My Darling Husband does that and it doesn’t bother me. But he does it when I’m sitting next to him on the couch. Talk to your SO about it and as long as you keep communication open, and you make it clear what you are and aren’t comfortable with, you shouldn’t have any issues.