(Closed) Looking at what’s right! Share your tips

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I have to try really hard not to talk in my mean (not yelling, but mean/upset) voice.  I find it really upsets my husband and raises a conversation to an arguement really quickly. 

 

Post # 4
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

we keep on topic, no name calling, and no yelling. We’ll sometimes go to sleep angry, but normally one or both of us will compromise soon to keep the peace.  Avoid alcohol during any fight. Even our worst fights have been kind of tame because we keep them civil. We don’t normally fight though!

What about you?

Post # 5
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

We always try to ask each other “what do you need right now?”  to get to the real reason we are fighting.  It really makes us stop and think about what the problem is and how ‘real’ the fight is.  Sometimes I’m just tired or scared or frustrated and a fight comes out of that.  Hubs will ask our questions and usually the answer is that I need a hug or for him to tell me it’s all ok or some other concrete solution. 

This doesn’t always work, but it’s a good way to really put the brakes on and think about why you are really fighting! 

Post # 6
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I try to avoid confrontation so I’ll do the “IM FINE. WERE FINE” in a really high pitched hyperventilating voice. (PS: I’m crazy)  Then I need 2 minutes to collect my thoughts before I can make eye contact with FI and express myself. So what works for us is FI sits there for 2 minutes feeling frustrated but giving me the avoidance I need, and then when I look up he knows its the cue for talking time.

 

Post # 7
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Going to bed angry works every time. Usually because our arguments stem from being over tired and stressed out. Waking up in the morning puts a whole new perspective on things.

Otherwise, no name-calling, fo sho! And sometimes? Just letting it go because it’s not important. Lastly, actually talk about it is my own rule. If I’m mad, I hold it in, and just simmer, simmer, simmer until I explode. I’ve learned to just let it out right away and talk it through.

Post # 8
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with No Alcohol.  That is just horrible. 

Also we try to make sure we both have the time and energy to have major discussions/conversations.  Its not fair to either person if one person is walking out the door, has somewhere to be, is tired, etc. 

Post # 9
Member
2476 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We truly rarely have blow-outs, but when we do, I’ve found that spending some time apart helps.  Like I will just go into another room, and keep to myself until I feel less “hot-headed”.  Usually one of us will initiate the make-up process and then we’ll discuss things in a calm/collected manner.  

Post # 10
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

NO YELLING!! DH actually had really bad experiences with people yelling when he was younger (a bad stepdad that is NOT in the picture anymore) so I have to actually remind myself not to raise my voice when I’m upset. We definitely don’t stick to the the no-name calling rule, though – if I’m being a b*tch, I want him to tell me. If he’s being and a**hole, I’ll tell him 🙂

If things start to get really heated, we take a break. We both walk away for about 5-10 minutes to cool off, get our thoughts together, and focus. Sometimes the fight is over because we realize there wasn’t really anything to fight about!

Post # 11
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I tell him or he tells me “I’m too upset/mad to talk to you right now.  I need to be alone for awhile.”  Rather than storming off we actually verbalized why we are leaving.  Obviously we are in the same house so sometimes its a simple as a closed door or another room but taking the time to calm down and sometimes write down what is really bothering me or how I’m feeling helps move the discussion in the right direction when we get back to it rather than getting sidetracked or getting to such an emotional point that we aren’t getting anywhere but more upset.

Our premarital counselor suggested we always set aside one night for discussions or things that are bothering us about the other person, etc and that we stick to one issue at a time.  That way you konw it is coming, no one is surprised, you have time to write down and rationally think through what is the problem, and you are both ready to constructively work out any issues.  We’ve never done this but if you find yourself having frequent problems, this might be a good solution.

Also, if you phrase the problem never saying “you” (let’s face it, most fights have a tendancy to be behavior-based) then the conversation has a totally differnet feeling.  For example, he never takes out the trash.  Rather than saying “you never take out the trash” say “I am unhappy and it bothers me that the trash isn’t taken out on a regular basis” (this is a very simple example).  You’d be amazed at how hard it is to take the word “you” out of what is bothering you but once you do, it’s amazing how he can hear what the problem is instead of brushing it off as just something else he isn’t doing right.

Post # 12
Member
11328 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

1) We both try really hard not to raise our voices or swear and we never name call 

2) We try to use i-statements instead of you-statements (i’m upset because I feel that I don’t get enough help around the house vs. you’re a lazy ass bum who never does shit)

3) We don’t go to bed angry. I know it works for a lot of people… and it would probably work for FI, but I am physically incapable of “cooling down” or sleeping it off or really sleeping at ALL when I’m upset. When I’m angry I start out slow then I just get angrier and angrier and angrier until things are resolved. If we waited until morning a minor tiff might become world war 3!

Post # 13
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’ve learned that getting worked up and crying and freaking out does not get me anywhere. It doesn’t help FI understand, and usually he gets more frustrated. I’ve somehow turned off that switch, and now I talk to him really calmly and rationally. I refuse to let myself get really worked up. Usually that works for us. I try to take a few minutes to collect my thoughts to explain myself rather than just blurting out everything that tumbles into my head. I’d rather make a clear and rational argument for myself than end up with verbal diarrhea that doesn’t help either of us or say something that I don’t mean.

If he’s really worked up about something and won’t let it go, I’ll tell him I don’t want to talk to him and to come back to talk to me rationally later. I’ve only had to do that once or twice, and it was after a long frustrating day for him. He had a shower and came back to apologize.

Post # 14
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

FH knows I tend to avoid confrontation, then finally melt down (the joys of a bipolar bride).  He quietly and patiently sits through my spazout.  After I stop sniffling and ranting, we discuss what the actual, down-to-earth issues are, without name calling.  If I can’t calm down, we go to separate places until I am rational again, generally 20-45 min.  If he screwed up, he comes to find me; if I screwed up (which never happens b/c I am perfect Innocent), then I seek him out. 

I insist on us not using “always” or “never” (i.e. you NEVER sweep the floor, you ALWAYS storm off) because they are just not true.  We talk through the issues and make plans to change the problem.  We had a fight last night bc I am sooo stressed out about things at work and managing wedding stuff.  My parents, MOH, and #1 BM were all on vacation this weekend, and I felt like I never get a break from stress.  I yelled at FH for not keeping up his end of the wedding planning, and he yelled back that he is, I said if he didn’t want to do it, I’d do it myself, etc.  Then we looked at our marthastewart.com planner and saw what needs to be done NOW.  He promised me the honeymoon info will be ready by the weekend, and I promised to stop worrying about our July-Sept tasks. 

Post # 15
Member
2083 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

We never do the name calling – not that we made that a rule or something, it just never happens. We try not to yell at each other… I think most of all though we never go to bed angry. No matter what we always work it out before we go to bed. One time I was really mad and had fallen asleep on the couch and he woke me up to talk about it and said that he never wanted us to go to bed angry or feel the need to sleep in a separate place. Sooo that works for us 🙂 We never really have big blow ups, but keeping to this have always worked things out when there happened to be one.

Post # 16
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2000

We pray. It took concerted effort b/c it’s so hard to stop in the middle of the heated discussion, to do this  even though it’s going nowhere. We usually still need to take a breather (anywhere from 1 to a few hours) and resolve it later with more compassion and grace.

This past week was the first time we handled  an argument very differently. No post-analysis or forced resolution. We just left each other to go to work, reflected on our own and sent I’m sorry emails to each other. The next day, we planned an awesome date together as if the fight never occurred. It’s a week later and  I now realize the argument was based on differing decisions on how to handle a situation. I backed off and didn’t press him to agree on my viewpoint because it was really his decision.

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