Looking for advice about moving in with SO

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I am in college still and bought a house with my FI. I go to school a few hours away though so I’m only there on the weekends. I would never have moved in with him if we weren’t engaged, that’s just me. We basically lived together at college but had our own apartments. Marriage is very important to us and I wouldn’t be strung along living like married people when we didn’t have immediate plans to marry and a ring on my finger. If you’re okay with it then that’s fine. The change wasn’t bad at all, just packed up one day and moved in, it was like nothing changed. I still see my parents at least once every week or two so it’s not like I moved across the country. It’s been really great but I love doing all the housework, laundry, dishes, just don’t expect to have much help. 

Post # 4
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@MrsN14: I don’t really agree with the “don’t expect to have much help” comment. Every person is different and I’ve found the exact opposite to be true in my situation.

Living with my SO has actually made things so much easier in my case because I have a partner that shares all the household chores 50/50. Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

Original OP, I would just sit down and discuss with you partner what each of you want and expect out of this new arrangement. You said you practically already live together so how the arrangement is now will probably give you a good idea if how it’s going to be when you move in together. If you do most of the cooking/cleaning now, then those things will probably remain the same. If he does most of the fixing up around his place, then that will probably remain the same, too. Whatever works, right? 🙂

I found that nothing really changed from when my SO and I “basically lived together” and actually lived together. I think it would help to still sit down and have an honest discussion where you both can discuss openly and honestly anything that you might want to see change, or something that might be urking one of you a bit now, because once you actually live together, those things tend to get magnified x10! 😉

You’ll learn a lot of stuff along the way of what works for you two. How to best resolve conflict when you live under the same room, schedules etc.

You’ll also want to let him know your expectations around engagement and marriage and make sure you’re both on the same page time-line wise! Doesnt’ mean you’re rushing or pressuring him, but it’s important to be on the same page

 

Post # 6
Member
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta

@edepp2010:  I lived with my ex for three years and FH for going on 3 years. My ex was a pig and it was one of the things that put a huge strain on the relationship. FH is so considerate and helps me clean all the time and will clean without me having to ask.

Ignore judgemental comments like the poster above, no one knows a relationship except those in it. Is there anything in particular you are nervous about? Do you feel 100% comfortable sharing a bed all the time, sharing a bathroom, cooking for eachother? It shouldn’t change the relationship much but you will have to relax and be comfortable around eachother under all kinds of embarrassing circumstances. 

Post # 8
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@edepp2010:  Originally (before I started dating my SO) I swore up and down that I wouldn’t move in with anyone unless we were engaged because I didn’t want to get stuck in a situation where there wasn’t any growth/movement in the relationship. Marriage has always been the “endgame” for me. Mr J and I talked about it early on, and we agreed on not moving in until we were engaged. Then, after a year and a half, we moved in together. Without being engaged lol. It just made sense and we were both ready. HOWEVER, he knows that I’m not ok with “just” living together indefinitely. The ring is in the house, if I hadn’t known about it he would’ve proposed already but he wants it to be a surprise *rolls eyes* haha.

Living together has been a small adjustment. We were together all the time anyway, but now it’s not just all the time it’s 24/7 and we share laundry, dishes, space, etc. I would say it took us approximately 1-2 months to get fully settled in. We had some growing pains when we had differing opinions on what was acceptable for some things, but everything is mostly resolved. We work hard and love each other, and we’re commited to building a future together – I think that’s the most important thing.

Now, for you guys – I think it makes sense for you two to move in together as long as it won’t cause a financial hardship on one or both of you. You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to (obviously) but do you think it is going to be harder to remain a virgin if you move in? IDK if you’re planning on waiting until you’re married or what have you before you go all the way, but the intimacy of living together and sleeping together every night would be really hard for me to resist. Also, IDK if you’ve said this already but how long have you guys been together?

ETA: Nevermind about how long you’ve been together, just reread your OP

Post # 10
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@edepp2010: It sounds like you have a really solid partnership. Congratulations on that 🙂

I think it’s great that you two plan on having lots of conversations before you move in together. That communication is going to help IMMENSELY when you live together.

As for timelines for an engagement, I’d say just move at a pace you’re BOTH comfortable with. Sounds like you’ve already discussed marriage and it’s something you both want – that’s huge 🙂 Just make sure you two continue to talk honestly and openly about where you’re at and what you want.

Moving in together is so fun, in my experience! Congrats on this next step!

Post # 11
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Aside from the fact that it will make it a lot harder to remain a virgin, if that’s something you’re committed to, I don’t see anything wrong with it, as long as you’re on the same page regrding what it means and where the two of you are headed.

Post # 12
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@edepp2010:  I also disagree with the don’t expect help comment. Everyone is different, like a PP said. My SO does about 75% of the housework and I do 25%. I’m still in college and he graduated about a year and a half ago. We aren’t engaged, but I don’t think that’s a pre requisite for living together, but that’s just me. In fact, I wouldn’t want to force engagement before moving in together, because I’d want to make sure we could stand to live with each other before making as big of a commitment as marriage. Living together has brought us closer than ever and I don’t regret how we did it for one second. 

Post # 13
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My BEST Advice…

Is too many women move into together expecting the relationship to be more once they do…

IF you truly want Marriage, then you need to talk abou that BEFORE you move in and have an active LIFE PLAN / TIME LINE to make that happen

Whether it means an ERing before… or after by a certain timeframe (“We`ll live together for a year and then get engaged”)

Otherwise you could end up to be a Waiting Bee wondering WHY you are waiting… not a good thing.

If Marriage is in the works… then you need to communicate / talk about it openly (and often)

Otherwise, you could be taken for granted

(ie Live In Maid to a Man, you arent paid, and he gets FREE Sex... never a good thing... being taken for granted.  Make a Plan so it doesnt happen to you !!)

Talk about how you are going to handle chores and money

Chores is easiest when you have a plan… and a list.

Be that what you want to achieve daily, weekly, monthly… whatever.  And very clearly defined on WHO is going to do what.

When it comes to money… my best advice is DO NOT COMBINE FINANCES 100% (that is too much like being married)

But work out a plan that is fair… so if he makes 2x as much as you… he puts in 2x a much (ie 2/3 + 1/3)

In this way, you`ll both be retaining equal percentages of your Bring Home Pay

And lastly… protect yourself / yourselves legally.  Make sure you have the following things in place for your relationship & yourselves as adults:

  • A Co-Habitation Agreement (this is a legal document for people living Common Law)
  • Renters Insurance
  • Health Insurance
  • Life Insurance
  • Personal Savings (this is important as a woman… incase you ever have to leave… you`ll need first & last months rent to get a new place)
  • And Longterm Savings (ie for your Retirement)

Make sure you have all your ducks in a row… BEFORE you move in.  If he cannot agree or get things done BEFORE you move in, that is a HUGE RED FLAG.  A man that wants the best for you will make sure that you are taken care of.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 14
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

@MrsN14:  your last line is kind of misleading. There’s nothing that says she’ll be stuck doing all the housework without help. 

Post # 15
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@mrspinesol:  Agree x1000. Living together has brought us so close and we have learned so much about each other. I’d be very reluctant to ever make such a huge commitment such as  engagement/marriage to anyone I haven’t lived with, but thats just me. Whatever works for each relationship! 🙂 what’s really important is that you both have the same expectations of where the relationship is going.

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