(Closed) Looking for Advice on How to Handle Christmas and Families

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

Any chance your in-laws would extend an invitation to your mom to join everyone?

I’ve spent many, many christmases alone, so i feel for your mum. I think your husband needs to appreciate that your family is important too. (But don’t ask me how to get him to see it that way)

Post # 4
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

Wow, I don’t know what to say.  If my husband made me do that, i would be pissed.  It isn’t fair to only see his family for Christmas.  And you’re right, your mom spends Christmas alone. I just don’t understand why he feels visiting your family isn’t as important as visiting his family.  

Post # 5
Member
11354 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It is not right for a couple to spend every Christmas with the husband’s parents and never with the wife’s mother and stepfather.  That is not only very unfair to your mother and stepfather but also very unfair to you.

Unless or until you and your DH should decide to begin spending Christmas Day at your own home, I think you should alternate spending Christmas Day and the day after with his parents one year, and your mother and stepfather the next. Since you noted that you usually spend several days with your in-laws at Christmas, perhaps you can begin splitting your time off at Christmas by visiting the other household (where you did not spend Christmas Day and the day after) for the remainder of your Christmas vacation.

Post # 6
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First, find a kennel to keep your dogs so you don’t have to keep them in the garage with a heater and worry about packing them up with you.

Second, just because you are married doesn’t mean you are joined at the hip. If he wants to be traditional and throw back to his childhood and see his parents, let him. You don’t have to be there, you can each do your own thing for Christmas. If this were taking away from a beautiful Christmas you would both have, that’s one thing. But he would probably not enjoy spending Christmas at home, just the two of you, because he would want to see his parents. And enjoy some semblence of his Xmas from childhood. He may not be willing or ready to give that up, and may never want to.

Also, every time he goes to his family events, he can go to some alone. You don’t have to go to every one, if it stresses you too much to travel, but let him see his family. I think otherwise he will probably resent you keeping him from seeing them.

Post # 9
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

How about hosting Xmas at your house?  I know it’s a lot of work, but could be a solution?  Otherwise, I think it’s only fair to alternate each year.  Are you guys open to be being apart on Xmas?  I know it’s a little different and maybe not conventional, but I wouldn’t see anything wrong with going your separate ways for a few days over the holiday (but then again Xmas is not a very big deal for me).

Post # 10
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

@Cincygirl1:  Ahhh. So your mom isn’t alone at Christmas.

Not that that really makes a difference. You won’t like this, but I think your husband is an ass for being inflexible and not making an effort towards your mother.

I would remind him that he had agreed to alternate every year, and after 3 years with his family, this year it’s your mom’s turn. And then with or without him, I’d spend Christmas with your mother.  I would seriously alternate every year, even if it meant the years with your mom, you are not spending Christmas with him.  It’s YOUR Christmas too, and Christmas is a time to be with family.

Post # 11
Member
7794 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s tragic that your husband has lost his brother, but that doesn’t excuse the need to alternate. 5 years is long enough, it’s time to return to normal. I think you should spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning/lunch with your father and mother (one with each, doesn’t matter what order), and then after lunch drive to his parents’ for dinner. Since you then spend a few days with them, I don’t think it matters if you arrive in the evening of Christmas day.

I have to see 3 families (my parents are divorced) and we spread it over 2 days. It’s just unacceptable to exclude your mother completely. I can see why she gets upset.

Post # 14
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What do you guys do for thanksgiving?  Could you do thanksgiving with his and xmas with yours one year, then thanksgiving with yours and xmas with his the next year?  That’s really the only way to do it that is fair, since you can’t host and don’t want to split up.  He needs to compromise on this – it’s not an unreasonable request. Part of healing from a loss is learning to live life normally even though that person isn;t there.  Maybe your husband is still grieving his brother (which is understandable) but he needs to commnicate this with you (and maybe seek professional help) not just say my brother died so we have to do xmas at my house. 

Post # 15
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Cincygirl1:  If his parents are willing to travel, perhaps they can come down to your place for Xmas and you can invite your mom over.

If not, and you really believe spouses have to be together, I think you need to suck it up and just go to his family’s place. I know if my husband asked me to spend Christmas as his family’s house and not see my family at all I would be so completely resentful I would not enjoy it one bit. So it wuld be like sitting Christmas out that year. 

Post # 16
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MrsWBS:  “Could you do thanksgiving with his and xmas with yours one year, then thanksgiving with yours and xmas with his the next year?”

I second this… this is exactly what my husband and I agreed to. It’s really the only thing that is fair, ESPECIALLY considering that traveling takes a toll on your health. He is being selfish and utterly unreasonable by guilt-tripping you about going to his mother’s.

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