Looking for support, and some help getting through a broken engagement/break up

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

I recommend a book called “There goes the bride.”  I went through the same thing 12 years ago (I thought of that earlier, can’t believe it’s been that long!)  and was actually a contributor to the book (don’t worry, I don’t get paid or anything.)  He broke it off over 4th of July weekend, wedding date was August 31st.   It helped me to read it and think about what happened and process it all.  I have other book suggestions as well if you are interested.  My heart goes out to you… ((hugs))

Post # 3
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been through an awful breakup and so much of what you are saying is so familiar, the not eating for days, crying, screaming and demanding answers, not even being able to feel hunger. However, I cannot imagine how painful it is to deal with not only the breaking up of a relationship but the timing of it all, 5 weeks before the wedding. It was absolutely cruel of this man to put you through that, allowing you to plan and prepare for a future he didn’t intend on you having. I know it sounds impossible but you will get through it and be so much better off without this jerk (even though it doesn’t feel like it now). If you ever want to vent please don’t hesitate to PM me. I’m truly sorry this has all happened to you, sending you all my happy thoughts and prayers right now that you have the strength to move on and be happy again soon. 

Post # 4
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

Is he 30-ish? I ask because I’ve witnessed at least a dozen 30ish men have midlife crisis this past year, it’s like an epidemic. And almost all of them had the common thread “He said he had been depressed for a while. He said we didn’t have enough in common, we were too different and he thought we would end up in divorce. He said he’d been feeling that way for a while but didn’t have the courage to tell me.” The poor women were totally blindsided, it’s terrible 🙁 please don’t blame yourself at all, this is not your fault!!

And just because you broke up does not mean you have to cut off contact with the family 🙂 I’m glad they’re supporting you right now and you’ll always be ‘like family’ even without him!

Post # 5
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m so sorry honey. First of all, stop talking to him unless it has to do with the house. Once the house is sold, cut ties with him completely. You will never be able to completely heal if you are still speaking to him. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there.

Except I was the one who called it off.

It was 8 years ago and it was a month before the wedding. I had my dress, he had his tux, everything was booked and it was truly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I didn’t do it because he was a bad guy or he cheated on me, because he wasn’t and he didn’t. No, I did it because I didn’t love him in the way he deserved to be loved. It didn’t feel right to me and it hadn’t for months (we got engaged 2 years before we were to be wed) I still remember we were both crying when I told him that I didn’t love him and that we needed to break up. 

I remember crying for days. I could barely choke down food and calling and canceling vendors was awful. Every time I called a vendor, I’d start sobbing into the phone. I am so greatful for the family I had around me during that time. I would have been lost without them. 8 years later, I’m happily engaged to a wonderful man who I love very much. I also know that my ex is happily married.

As much as it hurts right now, you will start to feel better and you will find a wonderful guy who loves you and who would never ever cheat on you. Please believe me, because it’s the truth. Take as much time as you need to heal your broken heart.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  TunaCat29.
Post # 6
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - county fairgrounds

I did the same thing about 2 years ago. I was engaged to a guy for a year and a half ( and he kept pushing back the wedding dateI thought bc of money) well about 2 months before the date we had aactually settled on he told me he didn’t really want to getmarried anymore ( I was upset but figured it was just cold feet) well within 2 days of that he told me he ddidn’t feel the same way about me anymore we had just bought a home together. I did a lot of crying but we agreed to stay roommates til we could get the living situation straight. Almost immediately after (within 2 weeks I found out- meaning this wasn’t when it started but when I found out) he had started dating one of my bridesmaids so I not only lost my fiance but one of my best friends in the deal. That was probably the part that made that made me the most angry of all of it. And I thought my plans were all going down the drain.  A few months later I started dating again and after a few bad matches I met my current fiance. My ex/ roommate decided with short notice he was moving out and I had to find a new roommate so the guy I had only been dating for a month moved in with me and things progressed pretty quickly and he treated/treats me better than any man ever has and he’s so wonderful around the house and my dog (who tolerated my ex but was never warm and fuzzy with him) sometimes makes me wonder with my current fiance if she loves him more than me haha. We’re getting married in less than 2 months and I don’t think I’ve ever met a man more excited about getting married in my life and I would have never met him if my ex and I hadn’t moved  down here to this house and if he hadn’t “dumped” me and honestly I probably would have ended up miserable and getting divorced. I still have contact with his mom (she doesn’t particularly like my former friend) so it is possible to keep the relationship with his family. It’s going to be really rough right now and seem like everything is over and your world’s crashing around you but something better is on it’s way to you just wait and see

Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - county fairgrounds

Feel free to message me if you need to vent. I did a lot of venting myself

Post # 8
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Ceremony and Reception: Historic mansion on the water

In short I’ve been there too.  I cried my heart out just like you.  Gut wrenching tears.  I am here to tell you it does get better and you come out stronger.  Let yourself grieve as much as you need to. It’s what you need to heal and move on.  It will be ok.  Oh, and yes, his loss.  BIG TIME. 

Post # 9
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

mmn2014:  Oh goodness 🙁 I am so sorry you are going through all of this. He sounds like a jerk to do this to you. I don’t know if it will help much, but if someone you thought you loved with all your heart turned around and treated you this way, there IS someone even better out there for you who will treat you like you deserve when the time is right.

I feel really sad for you because I could imagine having your plans and life turned upside down like this would be devastating, however I think it has saved you a lot of heart ache that you found out before the wedding. Reading this I feel mad that your ex FI cheated on you, I can’t understand why people cheat when they have someone who adores them and trusts them! He is the one at a huge loss. Someone incredible is going to come along and make you realise that it was meant to be. If you want to message me or vent please do. I’m sorry I don’t have a lot of advice to give but please know I care and I am very upset for you. x

Post # 10
Member
4901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I know it sounds trite, but time & distance will heal you.  Time works magic.  You’re grieving right now & that is as it should be.  You’re mourning a huge loss– the loss of the man you thought he was, your hopes & dreams.

If the depression becomes unmanageable, please don’t hesitate to see your doctor about medication.  I had to do that during my divorce–all I could do was cry all day.

I am sorry you have to go through this, the pain is excruciating.  But, again, time does get you past it.  Take extra good care of yourself right now.  Gentle cyber hugs from SoCal.

Post # 11
Member
34 posts
Newbee

mmn2014:  I’m so sorry you are going through this. I went through a terrible break up of a 9 year relationship and it was a somewhat similar situation to yours. Please know time will heal. You will be in a happy place again.  And you will be ok. However to help yourself, you need to cut ties with him. 100%. No ifs or buts. Communication of any sort with him is not helpful. 

I chose to make the most of my situation when my relationship ended. You will cry and wish it wasn’t true and not feel hungry, but at some point you need to pick yourself up and choose to make the best out of what could be a new and exciting beginning.  

A wise friend said to me during my grieving stage, “the best revenge is living a full life”. So I did and I am now happier and stronger than ever. I went overseas, pursued by dream career, made amazing friends and once I met my ‘now’ fiance,  I was incredibly happy and fulfilled. 

“Don’t wait for the storms to pass,  learn how to dance in the rain” 

Xoxo

Post # 12
Member
8907 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Wow, I just wanted to say that I am SO sorry that someone you love did such an awful thing to you. It’s cliche but time does heal all wounds… hang in there and don’t be afraid to lean on your loved ones for support in the meantime.

Maybe try throwing yourself into a new hobby? Spin classes, pottery classes, crossfit, volunteering at an animal shelter, etc? This will keep you busy AND make you even more badass. 

Big big cyber hugs to you!

Post # 13
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

There is certainly hope! He has given you your future back, even though you can’t see that at this moment!

My advice to you, is, as much as you love his family, you must cut all contact with them, too. They will be a constant reminder of him and the pain he has caused. Remember this, you are not the first to go through this! You will survive. I have. I thank the assholes who treated me this way or I would never have found the love of my life! Be strong! Get yourself back to YOU and everything else will fall into place! I promise!

Post # 14
Member
518 posts
Busy bee

You didn’t have a choice and you had no control over this. You have to accept his decision and move on. So take control of your life back. Try to envision a year from now when this isn’t raw and hurt and you are doing things for you. Picture it. Picture a year from now, and then get up each day and get there. Do things for you, whatever that may be. Take a class, get a dog, volunteer, read, take day trips, do anything you wanted to do and couldn’t. If you can go to counseling, go, I highly recommend it, I went after my divorce and I am much more self aware of my needs now.

Post # 15
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

 

mmn2014:  I am so, SO sorry you are going through this.  I have tears running down my face because it brings back so many memories.

I was with my ex-FI for 12 years.  He broke it off 3 weeks before the wedding.  And here’s what I can tell you

It’s not your fault.  You couldn’t and you can’t save him. Cut him out of your life; believe me, seeing him will only make it harder because every time he leaves it will feel like the scab has been ripped back off.  This is going to be tough.  This is going to get better.  One day you will be happier than you could ever imagine.  YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.  Some days will be harder than the day before, you’re not going backwards, it’s all part of the process.  Listen to your body and what it needs; sleep when you want, cry when you want, eat what and when you want.  Whatever you’re going through today, the sun will set and the sun will rise – tomorrow is a new day.  Time WILL heal you, and although you will never forget him, there will be a day (in the not too distant future, I promise) when you wake up and your first thought isn’t him.  You will be happy again

 

My ex left in 2012.  I have since met the most glorious man I could ever imagine.  We’ve been together nearly 20 months and we’re getting married in January.  Honestly, I still can’t believe that, one, I was with that man for 12 years and didn’t realise how unhappy I actually was, and two, that in 2 years my whole life could be turned right around on itself.

What doesn’t kill you makes your stronger.  One day you will be stronger. 

Sending you SO MUCH love

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