So last night my SO didn't come to be till 3 a.m. This has been happening alot lately. He has cheated on me in the past with a girl about 2 years ago. I thought we were past all this. Anyways, I just started getting all my trust back for him and he created a new facebook. Well he didn't come to bed till early this morning and I finally had enough of it and checked his phone records. He has been talking to anothing "friend" that's a girl till 4 am almost every night, as I lay in OUR bed with OUR daughter putting her to sleep. They have sent over 300 texts every night for the past week and pictures. He says its nothing and they are just friends. Now my question to you:
Is this okay for a MARRIED man to do?
Is this normal?
Or am I just freakin crazy?
To asnwer your questions, no no and no. It's only okay if you're okay with it - which clearly you are not (and I wouldn't be either!)
@justfornow: It is absolutely NOT ok for a married man to be doing this!
It is NOT normal
You are NOT crazy.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this =(
@MrsWBS: I am so torn up inside. I can't help but cry. I am not okay with it. I just don't know what is next for me.
Not okay not normal and you're not crazy. I would get marriage counseling asap. I'm not pro-divorce though. If I were, I'd leave him asap.
@justfornow: It is not ok, he is overstepping the bounds of a married man by even being friends with this woman and you are perfectly sane. For your daughters sake see if he will stop but if not don't let a man walk all over you. She will see that and think that is how it is supposed to be.
Is he a good father?
@Brideonabudgetlauren: Sad thing is we were trying for another baby. I feel like I am just sick and disgusting.
@subtlebee: He's a great father but a shitty companion.
We have only been married 2 months. This girl is his old old old fling.
No, it's not okay for a married man to do. Particularly a man with a history of cheating.
No, it is not normal.
No, you are not crazy. Though I'm wondering, two years ago when he cheated on you the first time, were you guys already married at the time?
@justfornow: The girl he is talking to is his old fling?? Oh my gosh. I do hope you leave. This is not okay, especially considering his track record!!!!
@justfornow: I am so sorry you are dealing with this OP. This is not acceptable behavior for a married man. Hugs to you OP.
@justfornow: Ok well then counseling should definitely be your first step. There even if you decide he wont change and make it work you can get help on how to transition her to co-parenting through divorce.
She is still little (2) she really won't remember us being together. I haven't been the greatest wife (never cheated) but I don't think I deserve this.
No, no, no.
"Just a friend." I don't have a friend, male or female, that I would stay up until 4 a.m. talking to on a regular basis, barring a crisis. I also don't have any friends, male or female, I text with whom my husband doesn't know (or at least know of). That is just so effing inappropriate, especially with a history of cheating.
I personally think it's ok for the husband to have friends that are girls and the wife to have friends that are guys. However, I think he crossed the line to more than friendship. I don't think it is ok to behave that way to where it is affecting the relationship. I'm sorry:(
@justfornow: you do not deserve this. Nothing excuses this behavior. Without knowing you I can say you are better than this treatment.
We don't have money for counseling. What do I do with all the money we received from the wedding? How do I tell my parents? How do I keep my dad from killing him?
@ecstaticfuturebride: I think when youre in a serious relationship old friends are one thing, old flings are another thing and new friends of the opposite sex should be avoided completely
Have you confronted him? I would be curious to see how he defends himself and whether he's willing to take steps to change. It does sound like this is a cycle for him, though, not just a one-time thing, which would pretty much eradicate all trust for me.
So sorry you're going through this.
@justfornow: No, it is not normal or okay. You're not crazy for being upset either. What kind of pictures does someone need to send at 4:00 a.m. anyway?? The fact that you gave him another chance (after he cheated) should have made him more sensitive about behavior like this to begin with, not make him think its totally an okay thing to do. The fact that he's talking to someone he used to sleep with until 4:00 a.m. is definitely not okay.
Have you asked him where he is/why he is staying up so late talking to a "friend"? You need to talk to him about this.
*hugs*
No, No, No.
You deserve more. No husband should have female friends like this, ESPECIALLY considering his past. Even if he is not physically cheating (which I'd be surprised), it seems like he is at least emotionally cheating.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but he sounds like you'll never be able to trust him. Don't put yourself through years of sadness and letting your self esteem go down the crapper. Be strong for your daughter and find someone who deserves and cherishes you both.
Sorry, I've been throught it. Sounds like cheating to me. Talk, go to counseling if you feel the marriage is worth saving.
@justfornow: Do you live near a university? Our university offers counseling for 20 dollars to the entire community. You should check. Also if he is military you can get it for less probably
@anemonie: I confronted him.
He say's its not like last time (the first time he cheated he said she was just a friend.) its just texting. I asked him about the pictures and he says that her phone sometimes sends pictures as text messages.
While I don't think there's anything wrong with having friends that are women, I wouldn't be okay with my DH texting someone else like that. Not to mention, he's not coming home until 3 a.m? I'm sure he wouldn't think it was okay if you were the one doing it. I don't blame you for being upset. I'm sorry you're dealing with it. :-\
It's okay if you are aware of it. This sneaking around at all hours of the night is FISHY FISHY FISHY. If he was being up front and honest, there would probably be no need to worry, but this is red flag central. :(
Him having a female friend isn't an issue, however texting till 3/4am. Being out till 3/4am....
Where has he said he's been on these nights out?
Have you read the content of the messages?
Have you made him know that you're aware of the quantity of messages?
If it's not physical cheating, it's emotional.
He should be open about a friendship or whatever it is now that you're together. Otherwise, it's not right. It's okay to speak to other girls but up until 4AM? It can't wait until the morning?
Nuh uh. A talk needs to happen. THE talk.
Honestly if he loved me and wanted this marriage to work he wouldn't have texted another girl. He has been so weird lately. He hasn't mentioned texting her and he kept asking me all weekend if there was something wrong or if I was mad at him randomly. Like he felt guilty.
@vickiburns: He said his phone got "too full" to save the messages. He hasn't been staying out of the house till 3-4 am he has been texting out on the couch while I am across the house sleeping.
In all honesty, I think you're best to just both sit down (on a night that he actually decides to stay home and not go out until 3am) and lay all the cards out on the table, tell him you know how often and how much he has been texting this girl. Ask him to show you the messages. If they're deleted, that's for him to explain.
As for picture messages. My phone sends normal messages as picture messages but it only converts if they are so so so long, (about 6 normal messages long)
@justfornow: Apologies I read the first part of your original post wrong. His phone hasn't got full, he's covering up. He knows that, you know that and without meaning to sound rude, everyone on this forum knows that.
You just need to tell him he needs to be honest with you for the sake of the little one. At the end of the day, what sort of a life is it for your child if Mummy and Daddy don't even get on...? I've seen it too often and it's not fair on the kids. If he thinks there is something missing from your relationship, hence why he's doing whatever he is doing, that needs to be addressed by the both of you but that can only be done if you both sit down and everything is discussed and there are no more lies and no more secret.
@vickiburns: I agree with this. I think you should try to get everything out in the open before going forward with a divorce. He needs to know that you're not an idiot, that you can see through his dishonesty, and that you deserve an explanation for behavior that is not okay. He clearly knows it's not okay, or he wouldn't be sneaking around about it.
If nothing else, this might give you some closure.
Another resounding...
NO - NO - NO (on all 3 counts)
As the other Bees have said, this is a case of Emotionally Cheating (if it hasn't gone any further than he claims)
And it is NOT OK for a married man with a child, and the hopes of having another.
He is not only disrespecting you at this point in time, but he is also quite frankly disrespecting his children (sort of ala Tiger Woods did)
There are some things that married men don't do. And one is INVITE TEMPTATION into their home in the middle of the night with their wife and babies in the next room... which is EXACTLY WHAT your Husband is doing
You need to tell him that... and explain WHY you are not ok with it and his behaviour
Truthfully, if he can't see that outright... then counselling "could" be an option
But personally... I'd be packing and leaving. If he has cheated on you before he obviously has issues with boundaries... and what is and isn't appropriate for him as a PARTNER in a relationship (let alone a married man)
As the other Bees have said, you choosing to stay will send a strong message to your daughter over time... that being someone's DOOR MAT is ok.
And lets admit it here... it isn't. EVER
PS... I am very very sorry you are going thru this... as a Divorced Woman, I all too well know the pain of marriage breakdown and love for a man who lets you down. Especially with the fact the guys were hoping to have another baby (lost dreams). BUT honestly there is someone out there a lot more deserving of you... and although it will be very very hard to leave your now husband... in the end you will be ok. And no doubt looking back you'll say to yourself (and other women)... IF there are RED FLAGS before you get married, then there will be more (and sadly more incidents to cause them) after you are married. Truly not worth the immense effort and pain of hanging in there... as they say... "When a man shows you who he is... Believe Him"
(( HUGS ))
@justfornow: If this was my SO/DH--I would be gone quicker then you can say gone. There is NOTHING ok with this.
The most important person in all of this is your daughter.
But you need to let him know you're not a mug and there's no way on this earth you are going to be treated like one.
Long story short... He needs to come clean and be honest with you. You know exactly what is going on but he need to know it's not fair on both you and your daughter to do what he's doing.
It is absolutely NOT okay, NOT normal and NOT acceptable. You deserve much better.
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