- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
Back history, I have been best friends with this girl since junior high. Fifteen years ago, my fiance and I dated briefly and lost touch (I was in HS senior, he in college). A few years later my friend dated my fiance’s little brother. This was a tumultuous relationship with a lot of fighting, physically breaking property in their house, etc. She has claimed he ruined her life on many occasions. They didn’t have a healthy relationship and I for atleast the last year of it urged her to end it. That finally came to an end, and she started dating someone new. Then almost 5 years ago, my fiance found me on FB and we met up. This was 10 years from when we first dated, and we then were dating again. I have a daughter and she was 2.5 at this time. I was head over heals and very excited to be dating him. As soon as I told my friend, she immediately shot it down. She couldn’t stand that we were dating (only reason being is bc she dated his little brother and still had strong feelings about that relationship). She never had anything possitive to say abt my fiance, and refused to see me when he was around. A few months into my fiance and I dating, she couldn’t handle anymore, she defriended me on FB and cut off all communication with me. For 2 years. And told me all her family couldn’t beleive I was doing this to her, that I was a horrible person.
Then she got engaged. I heard through the other people. She also had very limited communication with another best friend of ours. About six months later, she reaches out to both of us and asks us to meet her for HH. We agree. She appologizes for being a bad friend, promises to do better and asks us to be BMs in her wedding. We accept. And then all the wedding related parties and such ensue. Along the way, anytime she ever saw my fiance, she would still bring up his brother and how horrible he was. She never once saw my fiance for the man he was, or experienced how great he is with my daughter. We plan her bachellorette/lingerie shower, which went very well till the end when some people got very sloppy, and I helped carry her down the stairs of the club, and back to the hotel room everyone is staying at. This was one month after my fiance had moved into a brand new house we had built. Out of the blue she turns to me and says”he played house with his last girlfriend, you’re nothing special.” Needless to say, I gathered my things, walked out crying and took a cab home. I received a few texts over the next few days that she didn’t remember what happened, the other girls had to tell her, she was sorry, it was the alcohol, etc. I decided the best thing for me to do was to step down as her bridesmaid. I didn’t want to stand up supporting her when she obviously didn’t support me. So I gave her my decision and explanation, and feelings about how hurt I was. Over the next few weeks I was berated by phone calls and texts, and eventually spoke to her one night in which she begged and pleaded like a child with me to be in her wedding to the point of giving me an ultimatum to “be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, or she would never speak to me again.” Of course, I didn’t want this “official” friendship ending to be blamed on me so I reluctantly agreed. And told her she was going to have to make a real effort if she expected us to remain friends. I was tired of the unanswered phone calls and texts and her constant plan breaking. I would’t be the only one putting up the effort to keep a friendship that she obviously not a priority in her treatment. And to mention she uninvited/reinvited my fiance several times leading up to the wedding, that he plain said no, it was obvious he wasn’t wanted there, he wouldn’t be there since it would ruin her day.
Over the next year, the only time we talk was by occasion text, for a couple group dinners, her and her families babyshowers. Then my fiance proposed 6 months ago. Additionally, my mom has been battling stage IV breast cancer for the past 2 years that is continuing to spread, now to her lungs, liver and bone. My father past away almost 8 years ago. We decided to ramp up our wedding plans in hope that my mom will be able to attend as her condition is worsening. Wedding is in July. After much consideration to these past circumstances, her lack of effort towards our friendship, her issues with my fiance’s brother, etc., I decided to ask other woman who have been more supportive to me and played an active roll in my life over the past few years to be my BMs. One of those is our mutual other best friend that was mentioned above. I reached out to her a couple times to try to talk to her and let her know whats going on, but each time she had excuses. So one night the one Bridesmaid or Best Man and her got together and she started pressuring my Bridesmaid or Best Man for wedding details, which I told her to not get in the middle and to tell her talk to me. That night she figures out she is not in the wedding party and text me, “I’ll make this easy for you, I won’t be at your wedding.” And defiended me on FB. I occasionaly receive texts saying she doesn’t understand what happened to us, how hurt she is. To which I respond I will be happy to sit down and talk to her about it, but I’m not going to have some drawn out bunch of text about it. She never accepts to have a sit down. The most reason stated that our not being friends was MY decision.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I laid it all out in text back to her, that she needed to look at her role in all this, pointed out all of these occasions, and her lack of effort after her wedding to continue our relationship. And on top of the regular wedding stress, I have the issues with my sick mom so I have nothing left in me to chase a relationship with her. To which she said there was no way I wouldn’t have been her Bridesmaid or Best Man, but if I feel that way about her then our friendship was over long ago, and that her husband was checking tickets rates (destination wedding) until he found out she wasn’t a bridesmaid. I’ve already sent out STD including to her.
So, it hurts loosing her as a friend, but she hasn’t been there for me at all for the past few years. And it angers me that she thinks we can’t be friends if she isn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Like it is this all or nothing thing. So, invites go out soon. I plan to go ahead and send her one since she was originally supposed to be invited. Not to mention the other issue if she were to attend…her being in the same room as her ex, my fiance’s brother, and we are having a small less than 50 people wedding (majority being fiance’s family), so any drama that occurs at the event would be seen by everybody. And that this my wedding, and I don’t want any drama going on at my wedding. I don’t want to have to worry about if everyone can act like adults. It honestly hurts she never gave my fiance a chance bc of who he is related to.
I guess there is nothing left to do but leave it as is. She has refused to sit down and hear my reasoning, and can’t see how her past actions have hurt me and gotten us to this point. All she sees is hurt that I am not acknowleging our relationship, the way it was long ago, by making her a Bridesmaid or Best Man.