posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m sure it’ll be fine. I think you’re scared that it won’t ever happen, so you’re not trying to get your hopes up. I’ve found that with almost everything in life that I’ve REALLY looked forward to/thought about, it has turned out differently than I imagined it would. If that makes sense. Not necessarily badly… but just slightly different. For example, you have dreamed of getting engaged for years now, but now that it’s close to happening, you feel a bit odd. I think that’s pretty normal. When it happens you will be relieved, and then you will start to get excited.

Post # 4
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@bellenola:  Nearly 7 years is a very long time to wait, in my opinion. I’d be feeling kind of resentful, too.

You mentioned his cousin told you his plan, but have you actually heard that from him yourself?

Post # 6
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I wonder if this is a protective thing. You said, “…I guess I have this worry in my head that I am always going to be waiting…” and I think that worry will definitely prevent you from feeling excited until it is “safe” to do so (ie: it actually happens). I wouldn’t worry about how you might feel when it happens but rather deal with the emotions you are feeling right now during “the waiting”, if that makes sense??

Post # 7
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I just read your reply about the previous relationship and the false promises made. I think you are right – that could be carrying over to this situation for sure! Are there difference between the way your ex and your current partner discussed the issue?

Post # 8
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I was in a similar situation, though we hadn’t been dating as long. It seemed to go on…and on…and on. The comments, though I know they were meant in jest, were like daggers. And they only grew in frequency leading up to the proposal. I grew so resentful that no – I wasn’t excited about the proposal. I was happy, but I don’t think I even felt excitement after the proposal. I was happy to have the wedding done and over with.

Not everyone gets thrilled over being engaged, and that’s not a bad thing – especially when it’s been something you’ve waited on for so many years. I think putting pressure on yourself to feel excited, or feeling that you must feel a certain way, is really the concern here. If you find you aren’t excited, or that you’re never excited about your engagement…it’s not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Maybe the wedding, or just married life, will bring that for you.

Post # 9
4 posts

@bellenola:  I’m in a similar situation. Going on 8 years this October. I go through excitement phases and resentment phases. Try not to compare your relationship with others around you. Focus on what you love about your BF and your time will come. When it happens I’m sure you will be excited and love every second of the proposal. Maybe now since you aren’t super focused on it you’ll actually have a surprise engagement!  Good luck!!!!!


Post # 11
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@bellenola:  Oh sweetheart! My heart was hurting reading your reply just now. I am proud of you for not giving an ultimatum; however, I think it’s also important that you feel like you’re getting what you need in a situation. What if you talked to him about how your feeling. You can tell him just what you’ve said here: that you don’t want to put pressure on him but that this big move has stirred up some feelings for you. I’m sure it’s hard not to compare to others but remember that every situation is unique. That being said – you are half of this relationship and deserve to be understood. Communication is everything! Good luck xo

Post # 12
10902 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think I can relate at least a little bit to how you’re feeling, though it is for somewhat different reasons.

As a committed Christian, I knew that I had to wait for God to bring the right man into my life before I could marry, and, for various reasons (among them being that I had already experienced a broken engagement to a great guy whom I loved but whose own spiritual journey was different from mine), I knew that I really could not allow myself to risk dating and falling in love with anyone who wasn’t “the one.”

I watched as nearly all of my friends became engaged, married, had children, had more children, and watched their children become teenagers, while I waited for God’s plan to come to pass in my life.

Although I had a very full and, for the most part, very happy life as a single woman, I knew that there were many people — some who shared my faith and some who did not — who thought that I probably would never marry.  Some well meaning individuals would caution, “You’d better hurry up!” as if I were in charge of this timeline.  I even had one older man from an organization where I worked tell me that I was “wasting” my life. Of course, I knew it wasn’t true.  However, it did bother me that some people really believed this.

I always, always, always knew in my heart that God would deliver on His promise to bring His choice of a mate into my life.  However, by the time He did, I had become so used to not having things on MY timetable and SO used to having to wait on God, that it was almost difficult to fully appreciate that it was finally happening.

It’s not that I wasn’t excited, because I was.  And it’s not as if my DH wasn’t worth waiting for, because he is.  However, I gradually had become  a different person along my journey of waiting than I would have been had I married years sooner than I did.  Because of this, my 20-something-year-old self or my 30-something-year-old self never had the opporutnity to respond in the manner she  would have responded, because she no longer exists in that same form because of the person I had become by the time I was meeting and marrying my now-DH when I was in my mid 40s. Does that make any sense at all?

Although this is true, I honestly would not trade who I am now for who I was then, even if it meant that I could have married sooner and experienced all of that excitement along side my friends at the time they were going through it. I know that I am who  I am now, and I have the relationship and marriage and life that I have now, and, most important, I have the relationship with God that I have now, in great part because  of the journey on which He has led me.

I realize that our situations are quite different.  However, I hope that something in my story will help to encourage you in yours.

Post # 13
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I went through the same thing as you; everyone in my life was getting engaged or married or having babies, including couples who had dated for a shorter period of time. 

But, your bf has very logical reasons why he’s waiting, and my bf had similar logical reasons.  In September 2012, those logical reasons had sorted themselves out, he had indicated that it would happen by the end of 2012, and he was so excited he proposed in October.

Have faith!

Post # 14
87 posts
Worker bee

I am dealing with something similar and it sucks. My BF and I have been dating almost 2.5 years, we are both 36. Unfortunately I’ve had to give him an ultimatum which is rapidly approaching. A large part of me feels like he isn’t going to do it and I’ve found myself psyching myself out of the whole thing, just seems easier to focus on my own life than on a proposal I have doubts about ever happening. We had an original timeline of our two year anniversary which after some serious conversations he finally admitted to being scared of marriage, he agreed to counseling and we moved things back another six months. I’m not really excited thinking about a possible engagement, I would love to skip most of that and just go into married life with him already. I feel like there’s no point in getting myself worked up over a big fat maybe. Self preservation I suppose.

Like you, we don’t live together either and wanted to save that for when we got engaged. He moved a year into our relationship after accepting a new job and now it’s 40 minute drive each way, I’m just over it. When we first talked about getting engaged I was excited to show him rings I liked after he asked, but it loses it’s luster when you are constantly put on hold. People ask and instead of talking about our plans, I just want them to drop the subject. If he actually proposes I know that excitement will return, for now it just seems like wishful thinking so I just sort of dismiss any excitement about it. 

My only advice is to make sure your needs are being met, it’s fine if you don’t want to “pressure” him but make sure you’re happy. If you want to know where things stand you need to ask him, if you’re hesitant about moving with him, maybe ask for some kind of timeline so you have the same expectations. It’s not about “pressuring” a man, it’s about being in control of your own life and what you want and need, there’s nothing selfish about making that clear. 

Post # 15
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1997

@bellenola:  you’re understandably angry and resentful. 6.5 years and now he wants to wait even longer. You’re 31 and want to get married and have a family.

You’ve given up all your power to him.  You’ve made all the concessions. F–the “surprise” factor at this point  you are concerned he won’t propose at all. Marriage is a joint decision. Studying for the bar and buying a ring and dropping to one knee are not mutually exclusive activities. Tell him you want a proposal before the end of this summer..F–the end of the year. Take back some of your power.

If he doesn’t propose by the end of summer propose to him!  If he hems and haws or wants to set a date years from now, you’ll have clarity and will know that you need to move on. That will be painful but certainly less painful than wasting more years and possibly running out of tiime to have a family.

Post # 16
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center

I understand where you’re coming from, but honestly, you would have been MUCH MUCH HAPPIER if you had stopped worrying about what everyone else was doing as opposed to where you were in your relationship.

It isn’t illogical of your SO to want to get through his schooling stuff and have his job before popping the question. It’s extremely reasonable. Some guys might jump right into it not caring about job stability or anything and that’s great – but that’s not the kind of guy you have your hands on.

My FI and I were together for 5 1/2 years before he proposed so don’t get me wrong – I understand where you’re coming from. But the fact is that you know the ring is coming, so stop worrying about it! He loves you, you love him, and what is 6 years when compared to being together the rest of your lives? 

I would just be consolidated by the fact that he’s going to propose to you this year. And remember, you don’t have to have a long engagement – it can be as short/long as you make it!

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