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Well I'm not married, but I do understand what your saying
even when I got engaged I've noticed a little bit of distance growing between me and my single friends. Of course I still love them and I always will, but the conversations are so different! I can't seem to relate to the constant conversation about difficulty finding a man, vice versa they probably don't want to hear me talk about the wedding all the time..
I hope, like you do, that even though situations change your best friends will stay your best friends, but relationships have to evolve i guess
My fiance is actually going throught this. He hasn't really talked to them for a while now. But he's beginning to realize that he might regret not trying to patch things up. His friends aren't really the roudy type. Some of them have families of their own. He's just starting to feel disconnected to them. Hopefully you and my fiance will be able to work things out because you do need your friends with you in life for moral support when you significant other can't be there.
I haven't really made any friends where I live now. But I haven't really noticed that I can't be friends with single people just because I'm married now. I don't have any firends that have had kids yet though so that makes it different.
I had my bachelorette party this past weekend and I could already see it happening. There were 3-4 married/married with kids girls who wanted to turn in early and then there were the single/dating girls who wanted to stay out til dawn. It was really rough being caught in the middle because in my heart I wanted to go back to the hotel and curl up in bed with my married girls and just chill, but I stayed out with my party girls because being the bride, I couldn't exactly leave the party first!
It's rough. But it happens. But i feel like your true deep-in-the-heart friends will always be there, it just might be a lot more early dinners or low key brunches than going out all the time, you know? You will find new ways to connect with them and keep them in your life. All relationships take work sometimes, even the ones that are supposed to be so easy.
I can't tell you how many times my best girl and I have gone through this. We've been friends 21 years and have gone through it all, questioned our friendship, where we are in our lives, what was keeping us friends, but we always find a way to reconnect and are going strong.
Good luck! It will get better and your true friends will be there no matter what!
@layox you are right. True friends will last. I geuss I am so sad to realize that people I thought were really good friends are probably not. Friendship has it's ups and downs.....but it's sad when it seems like the other people are more than willing to just let you go
I told my husband that I can't wait until we are starting to have babies and can make new friends who are going thru the same thing. I really hope that someday I can make some good friends who are moms at baby classes and playgroups. I don't fit with anyone right now and I look forward to the time that I am able to meet couples in the same boat and we can bond over the same things. Right now I am in a growing phase and I think I am trying to figure out where I fit in
I'm just feeling alone right now and wishing I had more freinds. ugh........pity party, table for one! haha
I've learned, getting married really shows you who your true friends are. As I was going over my Bridal Shower invite list with my MOH the other day, I realized that a lot of the girls that I went to highschool with that are still living the small town life (I moved an hour away to be with FI) are just not my true friends anymore. I rarely talk to them, we have nothing in common anymore, and I just don't see the point in trying to hang on to a friendship that's just dwindling away.
If there is someone you really love and miss, talk to them, tell them you miss them, and definately make an effort to keep her in your life, but aside from that, as we move on to the next stage of our lives, it seems we have to let go of old friendships.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Good luck and I wish you the best in your marriage.
Its happening with us but its weird bc our friends are older, I'm 30 and DH is 27. Now that we are married we are trying to make our house a home and make quality time with each other and not do the usual out every weekend with our group. There was a rift noticed after the wedding and our friends are even making new friends that are younger, single and crazy. When they found out we are trying to have a baby, well now I never hear from them. Yes they are antikids and instead travel every month, but they were more than my friends, they were family to me. It hurts but I know its life. I've seen it happen too many times. But we looked forward to meeting people who are similar to us and doing things with our kids.
I've had this happen with married friends, but it has more to do with what you want out of life than with marriage itself.
FI and I are always going to live in the city, enjoy cultural ammenites, have dinner parties, spend time with friends, that is who we are. And we know married couples who've done the same, even after kids.
But we also know plenty of people who've moved to the suburbs in the biggest house they can afford, 45 minutes from anything but an Applebees and McDonalds (this is California, there aren't many suburbs with character, which I know isn't the case everywhere, I'm form back east). Seeing them is a haul. They want to go home by 9. FI and I talk about the latest local band, they talk about reality TV shows.
It's just a change in culture, and it doesn't mean anything bad about anyone.
I feel like this is happening to me majorly so, even though I'm not married yet. Me and MOH are both "old married ladies" by behavior and so instead of a bachelorette I wanted to go to the Spa- and my Bridesmaid J (who's single) was kinda bummed. But I've never been a Party-Booze-Gal. It's sad to know I'm already losing Bridesmaid J a little because we're not in the same place and can't relate as well to each other. :o(
@MissGreen Reading your post just made me feel a little better. I have just spent the past hour crying to my husband about my lack of friends and how i feel so hurt by the ones I have. It is nice to hear someone else say what I am going thru. I would say I have 3 friends and 2 of them are kinda leaving me. One of them is doing what you said. She is now making new freinds who are younger and they go out all the time. not only have I changed by getting married but she seems to be changing too......in the other direction. Also.......these 2 freinds are brother and sister and I feel like they are family to me. So I feel like you do........I am not just losing a freind, I am losing people I thought of as family. It is a hard thing to relize that I am not family and never will be. It's also hard to change and see who your real friends are. These people were a BM and a MOH and in 8 months time I now wonder if we will be freinds in the future. it's just so sad. I feel really alone and really sad
@Monitajb I really agree with what you said. Let me see if I can explain myself well. Ummm......ok: some of us are like you. We are urban hip people and we always stay that way. Then other people (like me) have changed as they got older. I used to be much more hip and urban. As I have gotten older I have wanted more calm. I had started to like that cheesy-suburb life...even when I was single. Now that I am married I LOVE that I live in suburbia and that's what I want. It is a little hard to be made fun of by old freinds but I understand. I would be ok with seeing each other less because we don't have as much in common........but in this case I feel like people don't even care and just push me aside.
My MOH lives 3k miles away and I just went to visit for a week. My husband had never been to NYC before and I had not spent a lot of time with my MOH on almost 2 years. We had 2 days together on the weekend (he works) But by Saturday afternoon He invited his friend down from boston. This is his current bff who he sees maybe every other week. She lived with them until last year. And not only does he invite someone else but once she comes they talked like bff the entire time and I was totally left out and ignored. I don't even mean "I thought I was ignored"..........there were times that I was looking at the BACK of their heads while they were on the laptop and making plans for the next weekend. and minutes would pass and they would keep talking without looking up at me.
This was 2 days that we could have to reconnect and have fun...........but he chose to have another come down and hang out with them because they were "more fun." Though I have changed a bit.....I am the same person and I thought freinds WANTED to see each other. I had been SO excited for my visit with him. I love my freind Brandon and always call him my "best friend". I was so excited to see him and I fell like such a "chump". I feel really rejected
For him to choose to take that time to just hang out with someone else really offended and hurt me. He has always been like this. In the past there have been issues where I just wasn't enough for him....times where I felt like he was best freinds with another and took me for granted......but this was worse. we don't live in the same city and we don't see each other anymore. I flew 8 hours with my husband and I had been so excited to spend time with him. and I felt like he didn't even like me enough anymore to want to spent 2 days with me.
So I just totally rambled. Sadly it's one of those nights where I really wish I had someone to talk to........but because my current problem is that I feel I don't have freinds.......having someone to talk to seems to be an issue! haha
Somewhere along the line a lot of our friends became too busy for us although most of them are still single.
So I completely agree with you guys. I'm totally missing my friends.
i've had the same friends since preschool. literally, we've had a click of girls our whole lives. we've always had our differences- they like to go to bars and i'd rather stay in and have a game or movie night. but after i got engaged, we barely talked. and now that i'm married, it's never. i know that we're at different stages in our lives, and sadly i think they're kind of bitter about it (they're both in relationships that don't seem to be able to go anywhere for various reasons), but i don't think that's an acceptable reason not to be happy for me and to cut me out of their lives. it makes me angry and sad.
i've started hanging out with my husbands friends, who are older than me and have babies. these people who i've only known a short time are now so supportive of me and there for me, while i get nothing from my friends.
@Artbee I think that is really crappy and sadly I think it is all too common. As I cried last night I told my hubby that I really want it to be 2 years in the future when we are having babies. I want to meet new friends in baby classes, etc. I cry and say that I just know our future friends are out there and I am sad and lonley and really want to meet them NOW! :-)
My mom told me right after I got engaged that I would probably start losing friends but that when I have kids and they get into sports and playgroups I will make great friends because you can find people at the same place and into the same things. She said it was like when you started high school and there was so many people to see if you fit with.
I'm also glad I have someone who feels the same way bc it helps you get past the hurt. I do believe it will get better. I've gotten upset too lately but the fact that my family is also now spread across the US I feel homesick in my own home! Weird. But then I remember this, I'm 30 my sis is 14 yrs older than me and she went through this multiple times. We will always have friends that come and go and she didn't meet some of her truest life long friends till the last 10 yrs. Kids activities, jobs, moving always creates new opportunities. I also remember my MIL stating she doesn't talk to her MOH anymore bc they had a similar situation over 30 yrs ago. Life is crazy. I honestly feel this is the time when I'm going to meet my quality life friends. Hang in there!
This is a good post...I think a lot of people go through this. It hurts a lot to lose friends and to realize you're not on the same page anymore. But be thankful for what you have and in time, if it's meant to be, your friends will come back arround and maybe you'll have a chance to reconnect. I went through this with my best friend when she got married and it's been a struggle. There've been times when I thought we could never be friends like we were. And we porbably won't...we're different now. It's taken me years to accept that...but I have now. So hang in there and be encouraged...things will soon be better and new people will come into your life too!! :)
I think its not just getting married when this happens. Try having a kid! well esp at 19, but just a kid in general. i have what, 5 friends now, due to having kids. life sucks like that sometimes, but the good friends stick around. so if you can't be friends with the others anymore, then f*ck em. thats mean, but its the truth. And you still have free time!!! lol.
I am feeling the same. I am engaged, not married yet, but as soon as I got engaged I felt the difference. I also work midnights and so my friends don't really understand my schedule. I just feel as though I have nothing in common with them. I do try to remain friends, although yes I probably could try harder, but we are in all different directions. A lot of my friends don't live around me and I am getting sad. Plus it's hard bc my FI has his guy friends that he goes out with every weekend. In my experience, it is hard for girls to remain friends. There is always a jealousy factor or something that comes in between.
My FI prob thinks I am nuts bc I tell him all the time how jealous I am that him and his friends have been friends since middle school. That is rare for girls
Nope, you're not alone! I'm definitely in the same place. It's an adjustment and some of those friendship will probably stay (I have a few that don't seem affected, I think because we still have enouhg in common), but others -- including some that I thought were the strongest -- that seem to be slipping away. It's rough.
And in our case, we just moved to a new city, 14 hours away from friends and family, so we're kind of starting over from scratch anyway
@spraguebride: I am on the opposite end, all of my friends are married. I am engaged but ever since the first one was even engaged, things changed. Its really sad because nothing happened between us, they just can't seem to want to make time to get together anymore. Some are better than others, and I can understand I can't seem like as much as I did before but some I only see when they invite me to party at their house or if I try to make the effort to plan something. I'm am the one reaching out all the time.
I don't even mind talking about them being married with children.
I want to get to know the kids more. I would like to be in their children's lives.
I feel like I am guilty of what your friends are doing. I was feeling lonely the other day and I thought about how some of it is my fault. Getting married, I embrace my life with my husband. I find though that it's been too easy to get lost in that and just spend time with him. I didn't mean to grow distant and boring, but it kinda happened.
I also think it's overwhellming at first. I am in school and trying to do my school work as well as keep up on cleaning my house and being married....it feels sometimes like that is ALL I have time for.
I think as a newlywed it's been a learning process of trying to balance everything.
But it's also not all my fault. The few freinds I was thinking about have gone in such a different direction than me. They go out all the time and party. I on the otherhand think about having babies and getting pregnant. I find that there is a huge lack of things to talk about and it makes me sad.
I feel the same way I did when I wrote this months ago. Feeling lonely and wishing for the day that we are having a baby and can meet fellow new parents. My husband doesn't have a very large group of friends so it's just too easy to it to be "just us". I really want to make some GOOD friends who I can spend time with. I would love to have good couple friends.
@spraguebride: I totally relate to the "in between" thing. Almost everyone we know is either single or married with kids. It's like people think as soon as you get married, you have to pop out babies right away. It's so hard to find interesting couples without kids!
I wish you ladies lived closer!
I read this post because I'm on the other side of this. My BFF (I was her MOH) started changing when she got married and it became so hard to relate to her because she stopped talking about herself! She also began to end our phone convos really early because she had to go be with her DH, but when I visited, she would complain about how he never hangs out with her. So I began to wonder if she was just making up that she had to go be with DH & didn't want to talk to me anymore. Also the last time I visited, all she did was watch TV with one-word answers to my questions, complain about her town/not having friends, and once or twice made some AWKWARD passive aggressive remarks about how her DH doesn't talk to her anymore to him and me! I actually WANT to hear about her married life and what her relationship is like now they are married. Hell I would love to talk about that, I want to be a couples counselor and am 3 months away from my MA degree! I also am NOT a party person and would prefer a night talking and watching silly TV, but we have to actually talk and have fun while having our night in!
That last trip was the icing on the cake as I asked for her help in planning what my SO and I do for our anniversary and she just said "when are you guys getting married?!" in a voice that said "I don't wanna hear anything from you until you're married." No support from her whatsoever, no "aw wow your 6 year anniversary! omg! I hope this is the year you get engaged, blah blah blah" Just judgement.
So I'm not at all insinuating you are doing what my friend did, but just be aware that you may be assuming your friends don't want to hear about it and are not being as talkative as you used to be. But what I really want you to know that there are "single" people (I don't consider myself single, but doctors office forms do, haha) out there who ARE interested in your life! :)
I am newly married and i too am shocked to have lost some of my long term friends this past year.
I find that there are friends who understand that you can't meet up all the time due to life events like planning your wedding or house hunting. on the flip side, there are friends who rule that as you just cutting them out of your life. I think at the end of the day, we can't please everyone and we should just be happy for the family and friends we still do have in our lives and the new people we will meet along the way.
as an example that you can't please everyone, i threw a holiday cocktail party at our house this year. i invited friends so we could all catch up as everyone is very busy. one of my guests questioned my friend as to why i was throwing the party when i couldn't cook and how i had become just a docile unambitious housewife!
point being you can have good intentions of wanting to keep your friendships alive, but at the end of the day, you just can't control what happens. and there's no shame in that.
@LaurenK0105: Thanks for your input. I think about it and I realize that I may not talk about things because I assume that they don't care. I am not at all like your friend....but your story makes me realize that I may also make assumptions and feel awkward and then I don't talk about stuff. Thanks for the different perspective
@ Ms. Purple, I wish I had more friends like you, as understanding that is and I really how you said we should just be happy for the friends that we do still have! Its hardest when you have a best friend that you have grown apart from and she doesn't want to make the effort to be friends. That really hurts.
I've lost friends as soon as I started dating J. They really disappeared as soon as we became engaged. Now that I'm living in a different county, I haven't made many friends in this area yet. So, hopefully I meet a few people that are on the same page as the two of us and can be mature.
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I never would have thought that this year would have been such a transition.....but it is
Now that I am married.......I am changing. I am getting settled and growing older.
Suddenly it seems like some of my old friends and I are no longer on the same page. They are not interested in what I am ........and visa versa
This makes me SO sad. I would think that real friends would last thru the phases in your life.......but I see that is not the case
I am told this is normal. We change and grow. But it hurts like hell. I don't wanna "out grown" my friends. But there is no denying how disconnected we are becoming.
I feel stuck in the middle
Too young for the older people who have kids but too old for my single friends. I feel like I don't fit.
Turning 30 and getting married is seeming to cause this HUGE transition in my life
Is this happening to you? Are you changing? Are you losing friends?
Am I the only one who feels so lost and feels to "inbetween" life phases?