Post # 1
After over a year of trying to help my best friend get over her ex and move on, I’m finally fed up. I’ve posted before about it before here. It’s just gotten worse and I can’t deal with it anymore. It’s not just the ex drama, I can’t even talk about my wedding to her or anything to do with me, it’s all about her, she has become so self-absorbed it is sickening. She blows off plans we make, she lies to me, and it just hurts. FI and I have talked about it and we both feel that the friendship has turned toxic and I don’t need that. So I sent her an e-mail today basically saying that she treats her ex better than any other person in her life (she never blows off plans with him and is always hanging out with him) and I can’t understand it after the way he treated her. I asked her if she honestly still wants to be friends with me and to give me a straight answer so that I can deal with it whichever way the cards fall. I’m just hurt, I could care less about the fact that she won’t be in my wedding anymore (I care but there is a bigger picture here), I’m hurt because I’m losing my best friend.
Post # 3
*hugs* I’m really sorry it has come to this, but I understand. It hurts alot to have to let a friend go and I hate that you have to make that choice, but I’m sure it’ll be good for you in the long run.
Post # 4
I’m sorry. 🙁 Has she responded?
Post # 5
I’m so sorry that you are losing your best friend. But honestly it sounds like you have been losing her for a long time because she doesn’t appreciate you like her ex. If she can’t let the guy go and realize the people that are really there for her, it is her loss in the end.
Post # 6
I ended a friendship last year that was toxic and although it was sad at first and I missed him it’s been very freeing since. I look back and wonder why I didn’t end it sooner. Good luck!
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. It always hurts to lose a friend, but sometimes it’s for the best.
But honestly, if you’ve been dealing with this for a full year, do you think she will give you a straight answer and follow through? I hate to be Debbie Downer, but you might have to decide for her.
I went througha very similar situation, where I was friends with someone very toxic and self-absorbed. Whenever I brought it up, she told me she was sorry and would be a better friend. Well, two years later and repeated offenses…I finally just had to “dump” my friend. Sure, it still hurts that she couldn’t step it up for me, but in the end, I’m a stronger person with less toxicity in my life.
Good luck with this situation, and I hope your friend really can figure out how hurt you are, and hopefully she will correct the problem.
Post # 8
I think it’s good that you are standing your ground and putting a distance from her and her toxic behavior. I think sometimes that people get so wraped up in their own drama they don’t realize how they are treating other people. It doesn’t make it okay though. I’m sure that, whatever comes of your email, you will feel better without her toxicity in your life. ((Hugs))
Post # 9
I am so sorry. I understand how you feel about losing a friend, but I think you are doing the right thing. Maybe after some time things will get better and she will come around. Just be patient and focus on the good relationships in your life right now.
Post # 10
Oh, no. What an awful situation, but unfortunately this is pretty common. I’m assuming she is like this even when happy, as these types usually have the world revolving around them.
You were right and strong to stick up for yourself. It’s ultimatum time with her: either reciprocate the friendship or have 1 less friend. She has to realize that your kindness only goes so far and can’t be onesided.
Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t respond positively to your email. I would assume she gets very defensive and angry at least at first. I actually have a BM who is very similar to your friend, she didn’t break up with a longtime BF but hasn’t really had luck in the dating world. Every time I speak to her it’s all about her – in particular any guy she met, totally analyzing every ounce of communication or lack thereof. I can’t talk to her about the wedding, she only pretends to ask me about it so she can quickly change the subject to herself. The conversations always end with her bursting into tears about how lonely she is. It’s very hard for me.
FI made me distance myself from her and it’s definitely worked. Passive aggressive, which isn’t me, but a kind way to let someone know they’re being too much of a downer. And after now years of me giving her good dating advice and her not listening to a word of it and doing her own thing, I can’t even speak anymore. I’m done. It’s literally like the movie “He’s just not that into you” – she’ll call/text/email obsessively to any guy who shows interest and of course they run for the hills.
Anyway, good luck and let us know how it turns out..
Post # 11
awww that sux…maybe this will be a reality check for her. good luck hun ((hugs))
Post # 12
Well she responded and it wasn’t quite what I thought it would be. Shortening it up a bit, she said that I need to let the issues with her ex go because they are friends and she goes to visit him because there are other people there. She makes plans with him because they aren’t ordinary. She wants to be friends with me but I have to let things with her ex go. I am always on her ass about something and she is tired of it.
Basically, after reading it, I feel like I have to make super exciting plans to win her friendship. I’m not really sure how to respond. There’s a million things I would like to say, like how she is suppose to be there for me and supportive of me and someone for me to lean on and she isn’t. I’m just digesting this now and I think I will take some time before I respond.
Post # 13
I am going through the samething right now. Just step back-it’s hard, it sucks but she needs to figure this out on her own. You can be there for her in the future when she finally see’s everything for herself.
I just moved back from the west coast after a year and I didn’t even tell my best friend that I had come home early because I didn’t want to deal with her at the time. When I did finally tell her I was home I got a “YAY, when am I going to see you? My car is broken and I still don’t have a job. Can you come pick me up?” and then she went into a tear about how much her life sucks even more.
I didn’t even see her for almost a month. When she starts on being self-absorbed and etc, I let her talk, I don’t respond to anything she has said and then keep on talking about myself and what has happened to me. I did the samething she was doing to me. After a few phone calls like that, she got it.
Now I just tell her when she is going on too far about her ranting I just say “Hey…we are going to talk about me now. I’ve given you advice-its up to you to take it. If not, stop talking about and move on”
It’s up to you if you want to stay friends with her. You don’t have to be friends right now. You can let it go, once shes in a stable place, you can be friends again.
Post # 14
Yup, she got defensive and angry. You did her a favor by being honest and upfront and her response is that YOU”RE the problem, not her. Doesn’t seem like she’ll be too reasonable with you until she needs a shoulder to cry on. Just wait it out, she’ll come crawling back.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion
Honestly, it sounds like she isn’t willing to take a look at herself and your friendship and be honest about what kind of friend she’s been to you. It may be best to just ignore the email and assume that she made her choice.
I know this is a really tough situation, and I’m sorry that you are losing someone who is (or at least used to be) special to you.
Post # 16
I totally agree with moderndaisy. You let her know what was going on, and she turned it around on you, which only makes you feel like YOU have to step it up. I also let go of a toxic friendship that sounded something like this, and it was very hard to do, but I became stronger because of it. It ate at me for a while, but I later made the conscious decision not to give it any more energy, and I felt a lot better. Stay strong, and focus on the wonderful people in your life!