Post # 1
Slowly my friends are becoming single. Their BF’s are breaking up with them and one by one they’re becoming bitter about love and relationships. All they want to do now is go and party (while I’m out of that stage of my life) I just feel like I don’t fit in anymore. Worst of all I feel like I’m losing one of my best friends to this. Its so hard to be happy about your wedding when all your friends are jealous and or bitter about relationships in general much less marriage. What makes it worst is I’m the first one to get engaged so I don’t have anyone else that has gone through this before.
This is putting such a damper on my engagement. They were all going to take me out to celebrate my engagement and kept blowing them off for like a month because I was so busy with the hustle and bustle of getting engaged and now a few months later when my life has finally calmed down it seems like none of them care about taking me out for my engagement dinner. Especially since of the girls’ boyfriends just broke up with her its turned into making sure she’s comfortable and catering to her needs which means going out all the time, something I just don’t want to do or have time for.
What do I do bees? How do I get my friends back? Its so lonely here in engagement land…
Post # 3
I don’t really know. The same kind of thing happened to me. It seemed like all my friends were in long term relationships that were going places, then all of a sudden everyone but me is single! And all my local friends are going out and partying all the time and the very last thing any of them cares about are weddings. Which is disappointing because you know when its their turn I’ll be there for them and doing all the things I wish they’d do for me.
But, I just keep in mind that I’m happy with where my life is going and if I’m not getting a lot of support from my friends thats just going to have to be ok. I am lucky that my Maid/Matron of Honor is actually fantastic and super interested and is also soon to be planning her own wedding, so I’m sure that keeps me more sane… but I just dont think there is anything to be done about the people who aren’t excited.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! But I can kind of understand how a few months later, while you’re still excited about your engagement, to them it sort of seem like old news (no offense!). Why don’t you try to come up with some activities you can all do together which don’t focus on either celebrating your engagement (which might be painful for those just out of relationships) or going out like single ladies. Maybe call people up to meet for coffee one on one just to chat and catch up with each other. Or invite a few people to go see some movie that you want to see, but your Fiance maybe isn’t interested in.
But at the same time, if you’re taking the attitude that you don’t have the time or desire to see to your friend’s needs (last sentence of the second paragraph), then I can kind of see why they might feel like they don’t have the time or desire to see to yours. Try to find and suggest things that will work for all of you…
Post # 5
I’m not to sure what to do… it’s so crazy that is happening. But I would just be supportive and positive with them and I am sure they will change their mindset and be supportive and positive towards you.
Best of luck!
Post # 6
i agree with greenleafmountain – try and find a middle ground. the engagement is exciting for you, but not so much for them, since its not their lives. try doing things that arent wedding related and arent ‘lets just go out and get wasted’ kinda things like movie and dinner night, go to a new restaurant together, etc.
its hard when friends arent at the same place that you are, but remember its a two way street. you can only do what you can do, and if you are willing to make an honest effort they have to as well or it wont work (and vice versa).
Post # 7
well that’s the thing, they’ve all been excited up until now but I just feel (maybe its too soon to tell) that soon enough they will ALL be single and no one will care about wedding stuff anymore. So far I have to say they’ve been great, giving me wedding/shower ideas and tips, offering to take me to vendors -haven’t taken them up on their offers but its nice that they cared enough to ask. Maybe I’m just being overly paranoid
Post # 8
Well, one thing sticks out to me. They don’t have time to throw you an engagement dinner, but at the same time, in regards to taking care of one of your girlfriend (whose boyfriend just dumped her!), going out with her is “something I just don’t want to do or have time for”
Friendship is a two way street. While you may not LOVE going out and partying, sometimes you do it cuz you’re a good friend. You don’t have to go all the time and you don’t have to get blasted, but you can still have fun and be there for her, even if it means taking her out to distract her on a Saturday night.
If you can’t find time for them, how do you expect them to find time for you? Maybe they’re partially having a hard time dealing with losing you (or realizing THEY are still single–i got that from a few of my friends, too, not that they were jealous and bitter, but they start to wonder why they’re single), but in the end, they’re still your girls.
Post # 9
it sounds like (with your second post) that your friends ARE trying to be supportive. but if its an instance where you just dont want to participate in *their* single lives thats a whole nother issue. you cant expect them to continue to want to support you if you dont support them.
if its working fine now, just go with the flow. friendships change over time and thats natural.
dont shut them out just because they are single now.
Post # 10
I definitely won’t shut them out, its just going to be different than I originally anticipated. I feel like everyday something new happens and I don’t know whose coming or going anymore.
Post # 11
I guess I don’t really know what you want from them… Offering to take you to vendors, talking about weddings and showers with you, that’s way more than my friends have done! And since you kept turning them down (which is fine) they got the hint that you had the planning under control and didn’t really need any help. So they stopped offering. There’s a phrase that we say a lot here, and it’s a good reminder in times like these: “No one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.” It’s just a statement of reality, that no matter how much your friends care about you, they have stuff going on with their own lives that will take precedence over your wedding. So when it comes to wedding stuff, just involve you and your Fiance, maybe your mother, but don’t expect too much from your friends. Not because they’re bad friends, but because no one’s friends are that involved. Then when it comes to your friends, just do things that aren’t wedding focused…
Post # 12
I’m sorry. I didn’t really experience this. As most of my friends and I were geting engaged around the same time. Do you feel like they are trying to distance themselves, because they’re jealous?
I like the idea of finding a middle ground. (They eat lunch right?)
Also, as EJS said about a two way street, can you just go out once in a while, with them? Even if you don’t want to, can you do it to preserve your friendships?
It’s rough that they’ve broken up with their bfs, especially since you’ve got your wedding to think about. It probably feels like salt on a wound. As stoic as I’d want to be for a freind, I’d probably be pretty bummed having to deal with a friend’s engagement on top of my break up. Can you make sure you don’t talk weddings with them? Just going out and doing girl stuff…
Someone needs to be the hero here. Maybe I’m messed up in thinking this, but since you’re the one engaged, I’m thinking you’re pretty happy with life right now. They however, might be unhappy withtheir broken hearts. So it might be better/easier for you to be the bigger person.
And if all else fails, at least stay in contact with them. Eventually their lives will settle down, and you’ll all be old married ladies one day. Then you’ll have something in common.
Post # 13
Yes, thankfully there are a few girls left in our circle that are taken so it will balance things out a bit but everyone seems really keen on making sure the newly single friend is comfortable in her element i.e. clubbing, meaning going out much more. I guess its also hard for me b/c Fiance and her Boyfriend or Best Friend used to do things together and I just assumed we were all settled at this point and now everything feels so up in the air which is hard when I know where my life is going and I can’t say the same for the rest!
Post # 14
We don’t get to choose when people are interested in our lives. Your friends may not notice that you’re feeling left out because you didn’t seem to need them in the first place. You mention “A few months later” that you’re ready to take them up on their offers to celebrate and plan. After a few months, I would think that my friend just doesn’t need my help and that I’m butting in on her planning.
Now that the dust is settled and you’re ready for the party to commence, they’ve focused on something else. The newly-single girl probably took them up on offers for company and commiseration pretty quickly. They’re catering to the needs of someone else and it’s a boon that doing so happens to involve “single girl” activities. Have you mentioned any of this to your friends? I would suggest something neutral as an activity if you just want company. If you want people to get knee-deep into wedding with you, you might have to remind them of their previous offers because they may think you have it all under control.
Post # 15
People change and circumstances change. I don’t like to “party hard” with my friends as much as I did when I was single (and younger – the morning after I always feel soooo ooooollllddd!)
Instead of mourning the loss of how things used to be, I think you need to commit yourself to transforming these friendships into something that will last into the future. If they want to go out and it’s not something you care to do, maybe say “I’m not really up for going out tonight, but would love to meet up with you ladies tomorrow afternoon to catch up!” Or, just go out for a few hours and leave when you’re tired.
You need to reconnect with them before you can get them excited about the events in your life again. And they were probably super excited when you first got engaged, but felt you were blowing them off when they tried to schedule an engagement dinner. Once bitten – twice shy.
Post # 16
Thanks for the advice Bees!
I should also mention that I DO see these girls regularly so its not a matter of spending time with them…I see them anywhere from 1-3 times per week- I know a lot right?!!
Update: I have really been the #1 friend there for the girl who just got dumped (she’s my best friend out of the group so I obviously wanted to show my support) and have taken her out just the two of us (even to bar like partying atmospheres) as well as with the rest of the group! I guess I’ve come to realize that in due time they will be there for me too. As far as the engagement dinner goes… I think when this whole issue with single friend blows over they will be more into celebrating again or they might have just thought to themselves, she didn’t want one then so she missed the boat…too bad, which is OK I guess. Now I will just try to look forward to all the new things I can do with them that will be wedding related. I will take your suggestions and start taking them up on their offers to come to some vendors etc.